Friday, 30 December 2011

some fun and normality

Well, considering I went out last night, I am feeling surprisingly chipper today. I think I might be getting wise in my old age. Or maybe I've just had too many bad hangovers. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that I was a reasonably sensible old girl, and stopped drinking alcoholic beverages at midnight. I am headache free! Wahoo!

It was lovely getting out and about last night. My life almost felt normal for once.

I did feel pretty nervous before hand though. Knowing your going to be seeing old friends, who are going to ask the inevitable 'how are you' questions, just fills me with dread. Its so silly really, and my mind just spirals out of control into paranoia-land. Which is a pretty scary place. I don't advise visiting paranoia-land. If you ever get anywhere near the boundary, please turn around and run away quickly. Don't even think about stepping over the edge, you will forever regret it.  (Excellent advice, that I shouldn't just be dishing out, but that I should be taking myself....)

I was worrying for nothing of course. I had some good chinwags with people, and I didn't feel too shitty. I just have to concentrate on not comparing myself with others. And keeping the black dog as far away from me as possible.

I think I might be a little bit stronger than I realise...

xxx

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

dates and mystery

Killer of a headache, so probably not the best idea to be sat at the computer....

Ouch.

Although I have annoyingly not listened to my body and just wasted the past hour being nosey on the Internet. Its a dangerous habit. Whoops. I must control the gossip inside me...but its so hard! I love a bit of gossip. Not that I have any...Well, I might have some...But I really shouldn't say anything....I could just say a small bit of it....Maybe...

No..I won't..! My lips are sealed.

Ooh that was a good waste of a paragraph. Had you all on the edge of your seats for a minute. But in hindsight, I'm going to keep my mouth shut After all, a girl has to keep a few cards close to her chest. Sometimes I think that my life is like an open book, well, open blog really. So I need to keep some bits of my life mysterious.

I will say this....I am getting excited about a date in my diary. Not an actual date that you eat. Because I really hate dried fruit, its disgusting, so why would I put one in my diary?! Yuk.  But a date that's slowly but surely creeping nearer towards me (imagine if the dried fruit was doing that.. freaky..) So the fact that its nearly January, just makes that date seem a little closer.

Ha, this entry seems like a bit of a confusing oddball.

But that's OK.

That's just me!

xxx

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

off on a jolly

The midlands is calling me...

The place where people speak properly and I actually feel like I belong...(no offence Brizzle, I do like you, but its never going to be a lasting love affair...)

Up the M5 I travel tonight, to the wonderful town of Stourbridge, before heading over to the most Royal of towns, Leamington Spa. Yay!

So many happy memories, and I can't wait to see my lovely friends.

I must admit, packing has been rather stressful. So tricky trying to decide what to wear 4 days in advance, especially for someone who hates making decisions....and has a rather large collection of clothes...and shoes....and bags...

Anyway, that's all over now, I can just relax and try not to panic that I've forgotten something important....like....my knickers? Nope, defo packed them. Toothbrush, check. Teddy, whoops didn't mean to admit that I still travel with one of those...Hmm still racking my brain....fingers crossed!

xxx

Monday, 26 December 2011

don't let go

Absolutely exhausted.

I threw myself into yesterday as much as I possibly could, and now I'm finding it hard to move. In fact, I've barely made it out of my bed today. Whoops. Although I think I'm allowed this one whole day in bed, as a Christmas treat. A reward for making it through yesterday in one piece.

Just about anyway.

Well, no broken bones, I think its just my brain that's turned to jelly, but I'm hoping its nothing too permanent.

Not really sure how I managed to cook Christmas dinner for 7. But weirdly, it kept me fairly sane and distracted from everything else.

And now I'm sat here faffing around on you tube, listening to a tune that I'd forgotten about. I probably have written about it before, but never mind. Any song that has my name in it, is always a hit with me...(except for the Yogi bear and Susie bear song, so rude!) But the lyrics in this song really hit me straight between the eyes, and I need that sometimes. They're words that resonate so strongly with me, and I hope others can hear them too.

Don't let go.
Never give up.




xxx

Saturday, 24 December 2011

roads, signs and a marathon of thoughts

Far too much stuff running through my brain. I can't seem to grab onto one particular thought or feeling.

Its as if I'm stood watching the London Marathon runners go past. Zoom zoom zoom they race past faster than you can ever imagine. You see them coming up in the distance, little specs on the horizon and in a flash, suddenly they're gone. You're standing waiting to spot a friend, and you're craning your neck, standing on tip toes, trying to analyse the hundreds of people running past you. Have you missed them? You begin to panic, I need to see them, I want to spot them! Is it too late to catch a glimpse? You have to keep your fingers crossed, and now you really need a wee, so you have to keep your legs crossed too.  But you can't chance leaving, just in case you miss them. And if luck is with you, you'll spot them. They were looking for you, you were looking for them. You shout, scream, and cheer, before the moment quickly passes.

That's how my mind feels right now. I have a hundred thoughts and feeling racing through my brain, and I'm desperately searching and hoping to find the one called hope. Hope and love, and maybe a bit of Christmas cheer. Its just that in my depressed brain, the runners at the front are called hopelessness, worthless, darkness, despair, envy, failure. And they're the ones that take over the race. They block everything else out and tell me that the world would be so much better off without Susie Piggott.

 I have to keep believing that there are a few stragglers at the back of the race. The runners that never give up, despite having the toughest race. Bringing up the rear, persistently trying to wipe away the darkness. Perhaps they carry with them a little nugget of laughter... or at the very least a shitty joke from a cracker...!


xxx

P.S this song just seems to fit perfectly......thanks to Andy for sending it to me x

Friday, 23 December 2011

bahhh

Experiencing some pretty weird mood swings today.

One minute I'm laughing at myself. The next, I just don't seem very funny anymore...

Desperately searching for an adrenaline rush. Which could be quite dangerous....Especially as my pal Andy suggested skydiving.

 I'm so tempted to get another tattoo, but it would be ridiculous to get one just to experience the high that comes with it.

Does anyone have any adrenaline fuelled suggestions? (Anything that doesn't involve potentially slicing off a limb most welcome...)

Had to get out of the house today. Much as I love my family, I don't want to spend every minute with them over Christmas..... Which makes me feel even more like a moody miserable Grinch.

Oh nuts.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next 4 days.

x

Thursday, 22 December 2011

trying to get through

Been a little bit of a strange non existent day today.

I've just had to take a deep breath and get through it.

Surprise surprise I can't wait to get back into my bed again...

Urghhhhhhh.

x

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Superheros

Today I transformed into my alter ego and mega superhero Super Auntie Susie.

She donned her cape and grabbed her magic bag of tricks and swept her nephew along for a visit to see the jolly bearded fellow known as Santa.

She may not wear my pants over her trousers, but when the time is right, Super Auntie Susie can still perform some superhuman tricks. Getting up at 8am is just one of them. And pushing a ridiculously heavy buggy is another. When she transforms into Super Auntie Susie her muscles suddenly expand and she is able to lift small children as if they were as light as a feather. She has the patience of a saint and she can last a whole morning without a cigarette. Superheros just don't need fags.

However, the trouble with superheros  is they just don't stick around long enough. After a couple of hours, they have to take off their cape and relinquish their powers. They have to be a normal human being again.

And normal human beings aren't very good at fighting off black dog.

This one isn't anyway.

xxx

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

rubbishness

Black dog has got hold of me today.

I can't function properly.

Communication is limited.

Body is exhausted.

Mind is all muddled up.

All I can think about is going to sleep.

Oh its going to feel good.

Urgh hate writing when I'm feeling this low. I worry people must think I'm such a moaning miserable bitch. Hmm. Actually, maybe there is some truth in that. Oh I don't know.

Going to force myself to eat something. Black dog always takes away my appetite and I really don't want to turn into a boney twiglet again. Yuk.

xxx

Monday, 19 December 2011

bagaholic

Huge yawn.

MASSIVE YAWN.

Oh.

So.

Tired.

Getting up at 8am really doesn't agree with me.

But getting an unexpected tax rebate really does agree with me! Woohoo. Hurraah! I kind of feel like I've won a magic prize or something. £130 for Susie, thank you mr taxman, I like you a lot. In fact I like you so much that to commemorate this special event I have bought a new handbag in your honour.

And its beautiful, I like to stroke it.

My handbag and I are going to be very happy together.

A good day

xxx

Sunday, 18 December 2011

a mini bit of God stuff

When I tell people what my Dad does for a job, the next question is usually, "Are you really religious then?" And I never know what that actually means. What does 'really religious' mean? If it means going to church every week, then no, I'm not really religious. Or if it means reading the bible everyday, then, again, I would have to say no. I am not a devout person, and I don't pretend to be. What I can say is that throughout my life I have often felt far away from God, yet I have never doubted his existence.

Its not something I talk about much. Probably because I still haven't got my head around it all, and I also hate it when people shove their beliefs down other peoples throats. Yuk. But....saying that, this article popped into my life a few days ago, and whether or not you believe in any kind of Godly existence, it seems fitting.

The pressures of the outside world seem even more magnified at this time of year. It can be exhausting striving for perfection, when you feel so imperfect on the inside. And if you're not entirely sure whether God can be there to take a little of the weight off your shoulders at this time of year, then remember there are family and friends who can. They love you. Just as you are, messy, imperfect, ill, depressed, whatever. They don't care. They love you anyway.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has spoken on BBC Radio 2’s Pause for Thought programme to reassure listeners that however imperfect or ‘messy’ their Christmasses may be, God will still be there for them.
Thursday 15th December 2011

You know how every year you say, 'This year I'm going to get Christmas sorted out. I'll have the cards written by December the first and I'll work our properly what we can afford and do the presents in time, and I'll know exactly how many people are coming for meals and when, and...'all the rest of it. Lurking somewhere in our minds is the idea of the Perfect Christmas (probably with snow, only not the kind that closes down airports and messes up our travel plans).

And every year, mysteriously, all our plans seem to evaporate and it's the usual mess, with all the last minute panic. There'll be a good few people concerned just now about what they can afford for a start.

Yet it's odd in a way, this business of Perfect Christmasses. The story of the first Christmas is the story of a series of completely unplanned, messy events – a surprise pregnancy, an unexpected journey that's got to be made, a complete muddle over the hotel accommodation when you get there...Not exactly a perfect holiday.

But it tells us something really vital. We try to plan all this stuff and stay in charge, and too often (especially with advertisers singing in our ears the whole time) we think that unless we can cook the perfect dinner, plan the perfect wedding, organise the perfect Christmas, we somehow don't really count or we can't hold our heads up.

But in the complete mess of the first Christmas, God says, 'Don't worry – I'm not going to wait until you've got everything sorted out perfectly before I get involved with you. I'm already there for you in the middle of it all, and if you just let yourself lean on me a bit instead of trying to make yourself and everything around you perfect by your own efforts, everyone will feel a little more of my love flowing'.

I'm never sure whether to wish anyone a peaceful Christmas, because it hardly ever is. But I can wish you joy in the midst of the mess, and every blessing from the God of ordinary, untidy, surprising things.

xxx

Saturday, 17 December 2011

i heart bristol

Big up to Daddy P, who managed to get me out of the house this afternoon.

Of course I failed to get myself organised in time for yoga, and spent all morning underneath my duvet. It really is the best hiding place...so warm...so cosy... total bliss...

It was always going to be a difficult day, but the delights of  Fopp and walking across the floating harbour managed to keep the black dog at bay...

The light down at the waterfront in Bristol is always interesting. There's something about dusk, and the way the glass buildings reflect off one another and with the water... I love it. Its always moving and changing. You get these huge big industrial cranes, lined up ready for work, but now they're almost redundant. Some people would call them ugly. But to me, they're beautiful. Strong and silent grey figures that remind me of a time when things looked and sounded completely different. The smell of steam whispers across the water from someones boat. And I wish I could spend all day watching and drifting with the tide.

xxx

Friday, 16 December 2011

world of the strange

Oh for goodness sake you stupid computer. Why don't you cut me some slack and stock being such a knob!

Ah. That felt good. Release the angry beast in two short sentences instead of shoving my head through the computer screen. Much more appropriate. And not as destructive. Or painful.

Right, where was I....

Oh yes, I have been faffing around in a most annoying fashion. I can't really settle down, feel really restless. Having a headache that feels as if someone is constantly jabbing me in the head with a sharp stick isn't helping either. The fact that its a year ago today since I was signed off work  is bringing down my mood. Its a date that I don't want to remember. An anniversary I don't want to keep.

Dates like that are always irritating, and never fail to bring me down. But I think this one tops the list. Another reminder of my failings. Urgh. Another reminder of the marathon that I've still got to complete. Yuk. I don't think I've got the energy, I really don't. I'm only a little person. With tiny legs, and not much stamina. I can't take it any more. To think about next year, and realising that things probably wont have changed much again is so depressing. Disheartening. And makes me wonder what on earth the point is in my strange little existence.

25, living at home with parents. Trying desperately to keep busy. Knitting scarves, hats and baby blankets. Having to sit in the same chair every time I eat, and chop up my food into silly small pieces. Unable to plan things, or be around a big group of people. Failing to give up smoking because its the only way I can relax. Sleeping for 12 hours every day. Cleaning and organising obsessively when I feel like I need to try and control something in my life. Painting pictures that get shoved under my bed. Writing stories that I never finish. Missing people that might not be missing me. Walking in the fields as every season changes around me. Days turn into weeks, turn into months.

Sometimes I can't believe this is what my life has turned into. Totally bizarre.

xxx

Thursday, 15 December 2011

NHS mental health service...jokers?

A laughably disappointing meeting with the psychiatrist today.

I could feel upset...but mostly I'm just angry.

Emotionally drained.

xxx

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

keep fighting

Trying my best not to freak about my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

 But its hard.

I don't want to be brushed aside, or ignored. I want to be listened to and understood. If I had a lump on my arm or something, the doctors would do every test possible to get the right diagnosis. So why does it feel different when it comes to mental health? After 4 psychiatrists in 6 months, this doctor shouldn't just flick through my notes and top up my medication, surely he should start from the beginning. He should check and double check his facts. I don't mind going over the same questions again and again, I just want to be sure that nothing has been overlooked.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm not sure. I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that there is something more to my illness.

Ugh yuk. I really don't want to go tomorrow! Anyone want to swop with me? I can clean, type, do washing, be a personal slave for a day? What other skills can I offer....Oooo I can do all your Christmas shopping? I haven't got much to offer actually. Bugger.

Oh dear, I'm still wishing this month away. Its bringing up some horrible memories. And sometimes I feel so frustrated that not a lot has changed in my life. That's until I remember what I've overcome. I have fought this illness, I have battled it every day, I've tried to take my own life, but, somehow I'm still here. I've clung onto hope in the darkest moments, and I'm reminded by that everyday on my arm.

I hope others can keep fighting too. We can't let this black dog win. We deserve to be well again. Free from depression, free from our fears/

I have an amazing friend who reads this, but doesn't click on the links when I put songs on (very naughty I know....he he!) She is struggling so much with different things, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I don't want her to give up. I want her to keep fighting too. So, for her, and again for me, here are the lyrics of two songs that are a great big injection full of hope.....

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) Josh Groban
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Wonderful, Gary Go

The person that you were has died
You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life - into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition’s gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don’t know what you wanna do
Cause what you want does not want you
If what you want does not want you
And you’ve got no pull to pull you through

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

If what you’ve lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don’t stop to let it pass you by
You’ve gotta look yourself in the eye

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”

Cause we are all miracles
wrapped up in chemicals
We are incredible
Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
Oh we are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
wrapped up, yeah we’re wrapped up
Oh we are wonderful


xxx

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

must go and get ready

Its never the best idea to write this when in a rush.

So...

I'm not going to!

Ha.

What a hoot...

xxx

(actually I just made myself giggle...which is either worrying or good news...or both...!)

Monday, 12 December 2011

Top tips

Susie's top tips for controlling anxiety......(in times of stress, planning, shopping and other stuff...)

I'm making this list mainly for myself as I don't want to forget them, but maybe someone else will find it helpful too!

1. Don't put pressure on yourself. Get rid of it. Its unhelpful and a pain in the arse.

2. Have a plan A, but most importantly have a plan B. You could go wild and have a plan C too. Why not. Remember that you always have options, ways out, exit routes, etc. And of course, you don't have to stick to any of the plans at all, you can leave it till tomorrow, or the next day, whenever!

3. Make a list. Always a good one. Maybe make two. Manageable lists of course. Don't write down everything you have to do for the next month, yuk. Far too overwhelming. Start small. And if you're memory is as bad as mine, a list is very reassuring. Stops me worrying that I've forgotten something.

4. Talk to someone. You might be getting your knickers in a twist for something that seems silly, but I bet its not. Sharing the load is a great plan. And often clever people have lovely suggestions to help you.

5. When out in busy places, stick the ipod on. Keep a relaxing playlist all ready and waiting to soothe your brain cells. Air, Zero 7, and classical tunes always help me.

6. Have a break. Have a kitkat. Or a sausage roll. Take time out, have some space, and recharge your batteries. I always carry a snack in my bag for such times.

7. I also always carry a little something to hold in my paw when my anxiety is bad. Its a technique that I find so useful. It could be a stone, or I used to have a shell that I liked, then it was rosary beads, and now its a tiny glass pig. Just holding it, rubbing it, putting my energy into something else, instead of my anxiety, works wonders.

8. In the age of technology, my phone is a god send. When I'm feeling anxious and uncomfortable, I can have a bit of a text, a browse on the Internet, and know one would know whats going through my head. Its pretty obvious I guess, but makes a huge difference to me.

9. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just concentrate on getting through today.

There might be a few more that pop into my head later... (a list of 10 really would sound better..) But for now I feel quite pleased that over the past year I've been able to teach myself these coping strategies. Of course, sometimes it all goes completely out of the window, and a panic attack will pounce on me out of nowhere! It feels like progress though, and that's got to be good.

xxx

Sunday, 11 December 2011

all i want for christmas

Been sitting here feeling pretty rotten, and once again wishing that it wasn't December. I think everyones festive period would be a lot brighter without my sour old face dragging them down. I don't want to inflict my illness on others. I wish I could wrap myself in brown paper and post myself across the globe. Wake up somewhere sunny, and be satisfied that for the next month I wouldn't be able to ruin anybodys Christmas.

But maybe that sounds self centred. Maybe I should realise that whether I'm here or not doesn't really make much difference to anyone.

I don't know.

I'm confused.

What I do know is that after seeing this video on the news, something clicked in my head (and it made me giggle too...!)




 I'm sure lots of people have seen it, but it was posted by the crew of HMS Ocean, who were away for 7 months...instead of 7 weeks!  They're now back home with their families for the next month...just in time for Christmas. A heartwarming tale. And one that's made me think. What do I want for Christmas? Or maybe not just for Christmas, but in life. What do I want?

Presents? Hugs? Festive goodwill?

All good things. But none of those are at the top of my list.

I count myself as lucky, I know I have family and friends who love me, and I certainly couldn't ask for more from them.

But someone who wants me for Christmas? Perhaps that's a small secret wish that I'd like too....Although something that I've pretty much realised isn't going to happen for me...so that can't be at the top of the list.

So, all I want for Christmas?

I want me.

And maybe that sounds selfish, but after this year, its all I can hope for.

I want Susie back.

Healthy me.

No more depression.

No more anxiety.

Just me.

Susie.

xxx

Saturday, 10 December 2011

listen to your body

One of the most IRRITATING things about being unwell, is having to listen to your body. To know when to rest, and to take time out, but also know when you should push yourself, and get out of your comfort zone.

Its not been the best of weeks, and I think having this nasty cold virus hasn't helped my brain. Its an easy gateway for the black dog to creep in.

I really wanted to go away this weekend, but I've had to be a sensible girl and admit that actually, I'm not strong enough to go. I hate making those kind of decisions!

Curses.

This is just going to be another tiny entry because when I was going to bed last night I had an idea for a story. It wont go away so I must go and write it down before I forget about it! I'm quite excited actually, its going to be a little story for my nephew Joshua....involving gardens, a bit of magic and several fussy pheasants...

Intrigued? Me too...!

xxx

Thursday, 8 December 2011

sinking

A pointless entry wittering on about the same old stuff.

A pointless day full of the same questions.

A pointless year when nothing has changed.

A pointless life.

x

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

i wish



This is where I would like to be today, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.....

Lying in the sand, feeling the sun hot on my skin, and hearing the inviting waves coming onto the shore.

So if anyone has a genie in a lamp knocking around, or perhaps a fairy godmother in need of some work (although I guess it is Panto season and they might be a bit busy...) please send them my way. Even a magic wand would be worth a try....

And quite frankly, for today, I think that says it all....!

xxx

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

lets dance

Smashed the 20,000 hits target today! Many thanks everyone :-)

I've had some lovely messages of encouragement over the last few days. And they really have made a difference. Just to know that I'm not the only one out there suffering is a huge reassurance. Its so humbling to realise that people are sending positive vibes my way, I don't really deserve them, but I'm massively grateful. Thank you.

I managed to get my arse out of the house today and do something mildly productive. Felt quite proud of myself for once. Especially as I surfaced before 9am, for me that's truly impressive.

This afternoon another gem of a song popped on the radio and I couldn't help but dance wildly round my bedroom. It brought back memories of VK apples, crazy dance moves, losing all my friends in the union, and seeing lots of random sheep everywhere. And if you didn't go to Loughborough Uni on a Wednesday night then you may not quite understand, but I'm pretty sure you will have experienced something similar....

So turn up the volume, wave your arms in the air, stamp your feet, but most importantly, wiggle that bum.....!

xxx

Monday, 5 December 2011

fast forward me please

If just one lovely person out there in cyber land had a couple of tips on how to survive the next month, I would be eternally grateful.

Christmas seems to be coming at me from every angle at the moment, and I just can't cope with it. Every time I turn on the TV, I'm bombarded by a million adverts promising the best presents, the fattest turkey, and a dozen plastic faces sporting wide toothed grins. Who are obviously enjoying the most amazing Christmas ever.

As soon as I step into a shop I can immediately hear the dreaded Christmas tunes making the usual rounds. Someone change the record please. I really don't think I can cope with 3 more weeks of Noddy Holder screaming, "Its Chrisssstmaas...!" My ears are bleeding.

And as for people posting on facebook about Christmas, well, that's another story. But I really don't need to know that you've just seen the Coca-Cola advert, its been around for 10 years, I think its an established fact that you will see it some time over the next month.

Oh dear. I really am a miserable bitch tonight. Apologies.

I just don't think I've got the strength to survive this month.

I want to go to bed, fall asleep and wake up again in January.

It doesn't happen very often but I've just burst into tears as I'm sat here....I think its time to stop typing...

x

Sunday, 4 December 2011

darkness

Feeling particularly useless this evening.

 My brain feels frazzled, and my body is empty.

I hate feeling like this.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

A never ending dark tunnel.

Lost.

Trapped.

It seems so much worse because I think I should be on a high, as I've had a few days with my lovely friends.

All weekend the black dog has been biting at my ankles. I've had to kick him away, give my self little bits of space, and try and use my mantras to control him.

But now, I have lost all control.

I just want to change everything.

Change my life.

Change this situation.

Change me.

Hate this.

Hate me.

Hate hate hate.

x

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Trying to stay strong

Ooo I'm writing this on a fancy pants iPad and I haven't really got my head around it yet.....so apologies for the many typo errors etc....

I'm currently in Manchester and I've had a fabulous afternoon with my girlfriends at cloud 23. The only trouble is I'm losing my voice and sound like some sort of husky old lady...the smoking habit is probabably not really helping.whoops

Trying my best to keep the black dog at bay....it's so hard though...*bigsigh*

Perhaps another glass of wine and a sausage roll?

Oh go on then.....

Xxx

Thursday, 1 December 2011

stay away black dog!

There really is something special about having a stroll and popping your ipod on shuffle. Especially when a gem like this pops up.....


Quite simply, I couldn't ask for more.

Who needs to buy a new album every week when theres classic tunes like this hiding away?

Although now I have a very strong urge to get straight onto amazon and by the film. As a little one watching Robin Hood I was always puzzled by how Little John was rather large, but had a tiny hat, yet Robin Hood was small, and had a huge hat. What a conundrum. Its those kind of problems that keep me awake at night....

And now I just can't seem to stop whistleing that tune....! Oh well. Its probably in your head too now...

Today has been really rather productive. I've managed to jump over a few difficult hurdles. I actually sat down and finished my proposal for the art gallery, and posted it too. Still can't quite believe I've done that to be honest. And even if it doesnt go through (which it probably won't) I want to try and hold onto the fact that I tested the waters, and at least attempted it. Its a bit of a Christmas miracle.

There won't be much blogging activity over the next few days as I'm going to be riding the rail up to Manchester tomorrow...(insert huge excitement and large whooping noise here please..!) Oh its just going to be acefantastic.

Afternoon tea with the girls at Cloud 21 or 23...I can't remember...but I do know I've got a new dress...(another story, but shopping with a huge self image problem does have its difficulties..)Anyway, although Laura and I don't actually drink tea, I have a sneaky feeling there might be a glass of something sparkly around instead. Teeheehee.

Just hope the black dog stays in his kennel. He is not welcome in Manchester!


xxx

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

satisfying

So, to put it mildly, yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. A very shitty bad day.

But thankfully, its over now, in the past now, and I can try and forget about it.

Although I haven't felt exactly peachy today... I have managed to control the beastly black dog, and I actually got out of the house. Hurrah.

For anyone who follows me on twitter or facebook, you already know the next part, so feel free to have a small nap....

For everyone else, my most exciting part of my day was colour co-ordinating my CD collection. Wow. I really do live on the edge. Its a crazy kind of life I lead. But I felt so much better afterwards, and it really does look beautiful, well as beautiful as CD's can ever look, which I guess is not much really. Anyway, the important thing was that it got rid of some of my nasty anxious energy, and I got to focus on something else for 10 minutes. Go on, try it, you might like it.....

I used to be more of a group them by genre kind of girl, but after a manic episode six months ago when I smashed up my room and sent my CD's flying all over the place, I think the colour coding is the way forward...Its still ordered, but its not regimented. And that suits my brain.

xxx

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

bad bad tuesday

The beastly black dog has completely taken over me today.

Bastard.

Its not going to be a long blog tonight, as I can barely string together a sentence.

I'm supposed to be working on a gallery proposal, but I just can't get my head around it. All I can see is how shit my paintings are, and how it would be pointless stressing myself out, when ultimately the likelihood of my proposal going through is zero. And some people would say, "Well you don't know that." But the thing is, I actually do. I have a degree in Art History, and I know what 'good' art is, or what would make a successful exhibition, and my work just doesn't cut the mustard.

I have tried. I just can't do it. My words won't work, I sound like an emotionally stunted dickhead. I know I'm going to fail, so whats the point.

Oh fuckity fuck.

Black dog has taken over my brain and I can't see clearly today.

Apologies for my bad language, I just cant seem to stop these curse words spitting out of my mouth!

All I want to do is bang my head against the wall and go to sleep.

x

Monday, 28 November 2011

a bit all over the place

Been doing a bit of medical research this afternoon. Which can be a little bit dangerous, but I'm hoping it will be helpful. I've got an idea about my diagnosis, and I've been wondering if the doctors have missed something key along the way. Hmm. I almost don't want to say too much, in case I'm wrong, but I have a very big niggle, and usually my niggles are masters of truth!

When you have so much time on your hands, its hard not too self analyse constantly. Especially, when you're a person who does that naturally. But I think I might be right about this one....Hmm...Although once I've got an idea in my head, theres no way I'm going to budge. An irritating habit that I try to curb once in a while....

I remember the first time I went to see the psychiatrist and I ended up having a small row with him. Whoops. Well, he was trying to tell me that my paranoia's weren't actually real, and I was most put out. How can someone else tell you whats real or not real in your mind? Its virtually impossible, and I wasn't having any of it.

I'm feeling completely spaced tonight...not sure where this is going....

And now I'm thinking of all the times when I've been a stubborn cow and made stupid mistakes, hurt people I love. Urgh.

Personality transplant anyone?? Yes please.

Last week I had to make a list of my positive attributes for my counselling session.

It was super hard. Brain achingly hard....(it was the homework that I tried to forget about...!)

But the first thing on my list, and probably the only one that I truly believed in was....

"I'm not boring..."

You can't argue with that...

xxx

Sunday, 27 November 2011

dont give up

Ooo I have a wiggle in my belly, and a tapping in my toes this evening. Its really rather fun! Not sure how long its going to last, which is a good reason for writing it down, and then I'll never forget. Hurrah for that.

A good day has been had. Not just a good day, but a bloody good weekend too. Yessss!

I have been karate chopping and ninja kicking that black dog all over the place. Boom. Kapow.

Although yesterday I found a lump on my arm and I began worrying about all sorts. But luckily before I got too freaked, I realised I had one in the same place on my other arm...that's right, I had discovered a muscle! Two muscles in fact, or maybe even four, because this one seems to have grown from a bigger one on my arm. Its all terribly exciting, and just shows that I'm getting a little fitter and finally putting on some weight. Oh and of course all the ninja moves must help too.

It also seems that a few more lovely people have been reading my blog, and have been able to discover connections and comparisons. Nothing makes me happier to know this. Its amazing what small things we can do as human beings, that can make a huge difference to individuals everyday lives. There are so many people out there suffering from a huge range of mental health illnesses, and I feel completely blessed and inspired to hear their stories. Its like receiving a virtual hug, or someone getting an injection full of hope and shooting it straight into my veins....

xxx

Friday, 25 November 2011

big respect

Lying on my bed last night, my mind was consumed with what I had written in my blog. Why had I wittered on for so long about romance? Maybe I should pop back downstairs and delete the post. I shifted uncomfortably across the cushions, not able to find a place to snuggle into. I began to curse my own writing, my stupid wandering mind, and wondered why I even keep writing this blog....

A day later, and a fresh perspective.

Thank goodness.

I know I'm my own worst enemy, my biggest critic, I will always find some fault in my writing. But I also know that I write this for myself, its a stream of consciousness, and I have to respect that! Big respect to the typing fingers.

Good phrase, I must remember that one.

Managed to get out of the house and meet a complete stranger for a drink today! Well, not a complete stranger, but someone that I don't really know that well...So another little milestone I think. Anxiety levels were under control, and I actually had some fun too. Bonus!

I've found that as time ticks on I'm able to talk about my illness with a lot greater ease now. And not just the depression stuff, but just myself generally. I used to make so many apologies and excuses for my lifestyle, or the failings that I had made throughout my life. But now, something has shifted, and I  don't care what people think. Hmmm is that the truth? Not sure now actually.....I think it is. I'm searching for the right word...

Openness. Is that a word?

Being open.

Which is kind of funny that I'm saying that really, as this blog is a pretty massive open door....!

I just hope that all small steps will lead to the light.

Its not a sprint, its a marathon.

xxx

Thursday, 24 November 2011

wise words miss bradshaw

With so many million people on this planet, I sometimes think how miraculous it must be when you find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I really can't get my head round it. It puzzles me greatly.

Not entirely sure where this is going, but the sentences just keep on shooting out of my fingertips, so I'm going to roll with it....

I am a sucker for romance. Not the heart shaped chocolate soppy kind, but real old fashioned romance. When lovers would travel across continents to get declare there love for one another. Maybe that still happens, I don't know, but somewhere along the way I think true romance has been lost. Not that I know an awful lot about it, but it seems to me that I would rather have my knight in shining armour look after me when I'm really poorly, smooth my brow, clear up my sick, and get my medicine, rather than buy me a bunch of flowers and a card from Clinton's. Anyone can do that, but really being there for someone, is a lot tougher. And when life gets shit, you don't want someone to carry you through it, or around it, but to hold your hand and walk through it together.


My other romantic ideal comes from 'Jane Eyre', one of my absolute favourite books. The connection that Jane and Mr Rochester have is something far greater than romance, lust or love, its an inseparable understanding. They believe and accept they are two parts to a greater whole. My Mum has to remind me quite frequently that its only a book, and that kind of romance doesnt exist in real life, but something within me won't let it go.

I always hoped to find someone who would understand me completely. And its only now that I'm delving deeper into my psyche that I realise that understanding will never happen. I don't think you can ever fully understand another person, its virtually impossible. But the next best thing would be acceptance. That's pretty romantic. Accepting me as I am. Not wanting to change me. Not wanting me to be a bit more sporty, or a bit less grumpy, or not as free spirited. Maybe even liking me just as I am. Ha! Wouldn't that be a treat.

I'm getting a little bit angry as I write this now, thinking about someone who has tried to change me in the past. And I didn't even notice! How scary is that. But when you're in a vulnerable place, that stuff just washes over you. Ooh I need to calm down a bit, I'm really getting worked up now. Which is good in a way, better to be angry than just feel numb I guess. I would like to poke someone in the eye though. With a massive stick.

I would like to believe that my kindred spirit is out there, but again, I think that's just my romantic ideals taking over.

What I do know is, that I have some amazing kindred spirits in my life already. How lucky is that? And a love between friends, is never lost, it never changes, it just gets stronger.

I don't know why the hell I've been rambling on about all this romance crap tonight.

Bit odd.

Maybe I'll end on some wise words from Carrie Bradshaw.....

xxx

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

karate CHOP!

I wish I had something interesting to write about....

But today has been as dull as Wednesdays inevitably get.

Nothing new there then.

However, situations have improved since this time yesterday....Hurrah for that.

And I've also been able to get a few little things ticked off my list and given the black dog a massive kick up the arse just for good measure.

(Insert ninja moves here....)I'm getting pretty good at this now, practise makes perfect and all that...And for anyone concerned about animal welfare, no actual dog has been harmed during the writing of this blog. Black dog, is of course, the metaphorical name for my beastly depression.

While I'm feeling a slightly lifted, I may as well go all out crazy and add some sort of feel good tune, just to keep me bouncing around this evening...

Ooo here we go, four minutes of pure indulgence and a very guilty pleasure....

Hello Mr Mark Owen...

xxx


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

not a good day

Back into the land of heart palpatations today.

What fun.

Just when I've got myself a little bit organised, making lists and trying to keep myself stimulated, I wake up feeling like I'm going to pass out any second. Every time I move I think I'm going to faint, and my heart starts beating as if its just run the 100 metre sprint. Horrible. Anxiety flows through my body so quickly, making the dizziness so much worse. Panic sets in, and completeley takes over.

I think I'm going to die. My arm is tingling, I'm convinced I must be having a stroke, or maybe a heart attack.

It sounds so daft when I write it down, but its so scary how my body can change so quickly, and I don't have any control over it.

Its ridiculously irritating because on the whole my anxiety levels are a lot better.

Then they come out of nowhere and just shit all over your day.

Argh!

Frustrated Susie.

I dont think it helped that I woke up at 7am shaking with fear and covered in sweat after the most horrific nightmare. Not a good start to anyone's day.

Yuk yuk yuk.

xxx

Sunday, 20 November 2011

counselling and me

I've got some homework before my next counselling session this week. It keeps on popping into my head at the most annoying times, just to piss me off. Its as if it knows that I really don't want to do it. And my most likely excuse for not doing it, is my forgetfulness, so its being extra irritating just so I get it done.....

Yuk.

Often, when I get back from counselling, my darling Dad says, "Did you have a good time?" I'm really not sure what he expects me to say, because its not exactly a barrel of laughs.

I'm sure theres a Dickens quote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." An overused quote I'm sure, but it sums up my counselling experience so well.

Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish and finally get round to doing that smelly old homework....

xxx

Saturday, 19 November 2011

dont forget sooz

Sleepy Sooz.

Big yawn and stretch.

Maybe I'll write this later. Because I think any minute my head might fall off my neck and crash into the computer screen. Either that or I'll start typing with my eyes closed. Ooo I just did that for this sentence. No typo's.....whooppeee.

Mama Piggott's birthday today, which she has thoroughly enjoyed, (the caterpillar cake was a big hit...) For me, its been a day where I've done even more thinking than usual....

Not a day goes by when I dont think about my suicide attempt in September. It was a turning point for me, and my tattoo is a constant reminder that I don't ever want to be in that place again. But at the same time, I don't ever really think about how other people reacted to that day, or whether they think about it.

I draw strength from the fact that I'm still here, 25 and staying alive....And perhaps, it was only this morning when I gave my Mama her birthday card, and she started to cry, that I realised, I could of missed this day. I could of easily carried on taking those tablets. I wouldnt of been here to celebrate her birthday. Honestly, its been scaring the bejeeesus out of me, but in a good way. I dont want to miss out, and I think people need me, I certainly need them anyway.

This is all completly muddled up. Awful  awful writing tonight.

 But I really dont want to forget this feeling....

And I'm having such trouble describing it....

Maybe for the first time........I'm just glad that I'm here.

xxx

Friday, 18 November 2011

space and light

peace

comfort

restfulness

calm

Not words that often creep into my blog. And no, I'm not advertising the latest panpipes album. Instead, these words found me today. Or I found them. Or maybe we found each other. I had space to find them.

I didn't find them in my bedroom (far too messy), or in a glass of wine (far too confusing), I didn't even find them in a passionate embrace (far too messy and confusing.) Instead, I found these words in nature.

In the leaves and the sky.
In the water and the woods.

Take time, find space.

xxx

Thursday, 17 November 2011

a rant and a rave

I hate waiting. My feet cant stop tapping and my hands cant stop moving. Someone has connected me to a plug and I've got all this extra energy running through my body. And it always feels like whatever I'm waiting for is taking its time on purpose, just to wind me up and see my anxiety levels sky rocket. Every minute is a heavy load on my shoulders, the tension that builds up is ridiculous.

This was the situation I found myself in today, waiting to see my psychiatrist.....

....People keep on getting called before me. Why? I was here first. I should go in first....

 ...I want to poke the annoying man next to me straight in the eye. Damn he's gone now, missed my chance... Why did he get to go before me?

 ...If I close my eyes I imagine that behind these doors the doctors are casting magical spells upon people, making them well in one spectacular moment. It takes quite a lot of imagination, but that's what I hope for...

Eventually, my name is called.

Hurrah.

But somethings not quite right.

This isn't the same psychiatrist I saw 6 weeks ago.

No, its definitely not.

My psychiatrist is a lady, and this person has a beard.

No one told me I was seeing someone new.

A mistake?

Nope.

Just my new psychiatrist.

My fourth psychiatrist in 6 months.

Ridiculous.

For a person who treats people with mental health problems, this is really not a good start.

Thanks for letting me know NHS!


x

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Gramps

I dreamt about my Grandpa last night.

Yesterday it was 6 years since he passed away. And I still miss him just as much as I ever did. He is the voice in my head, and the warm glow of strength and love in my heart. He never leaves me, he's always with me, challenging me, encouraging me. He wasn't just my Grandpa, he was my best friend too.

It was a turning point in my life when I lost him. My world became broken and confused. Black dog crept upon me and I dulled my pain with the nearest quick fix.

Looking back, its strange that an event so inevitable can suddenly bring out all your demons and fears.
Quite scary really.

I've just remembered this song, it really helped to soothe my pain and give me comfort at the time.

When I look around me now, I want to try and find hope and light in the darkness.

It tries to hide. But hope is there. It really is.

Promise.

xxx



Tuesday, 15 November 2011

guilty pleasures

Guilty pleasure for today?

Its got to be those McFly boys. I mean, how could I ignore them, what with Harry on Strictly, and now the gorgeous Dougie on I'm a Celeb. Two words, hubba hubba.

I just wish they could come round, wipe my brow and make me mugs of lemon squash. Maybe sing a few songs too, and the odd cuddle wouldn't go amiss...I'm certain my mind and body would feel a whole lot better if they were looking after me.

Oh well, I can dream.

But for now, I'm still feeling pretty rotten.

My mind is suffering today too. Slowly sinking into the darkness.

xxx

Monday, 14 November 2011

mind up, body down

Last night I was bouncing around like a leprechaun, doing a little jig and all that jazz...(especially after everyones amazing support, gave me such a buzz...!) That was until about half 9, when I started to feel  super strange...Sat shivering in bed with mountains of blankets around me, and a temperature, I was feeling really poorly. Went to the doctors this morning and turns out I have an infection so on antibiotics for the next 3 days.

Oh joy.

Just when a part of my brain was making progress, my body decides it needs some medical attention, just to piss me off. Bugger it.

Its bloody typical.

xxx

Sunday, 13 November 2011

stargirl

The good thing about being back at home? Sleeping in my own bed.
The bad thing about being back at home? Being back at home.

No. That's a little bit mean really.
I'm only joking.
Honestly.

Love Mum and Dad. And after a week of being away its lovely to see them, and I know I'm super lucky to have a roof over my head and people to love me and look out for me.

I just wish I didn't live in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by fields and middle aged women (my Mums neverending stream of friends, whom I refer to as 'The Calender Girls'...although luckily they haven't got round to posing nude yet...)

I loved being in London. Catching up with old friends, and getting up to mischief. I can't get up to any mischief in Somerset. I need a fellow mischief maker. Actually, I don't just want one, I want a whole group of mischief makers. A gang if you will. Whats more annoying is that I do have them, they're just not here. Curses.

Actually, that's not technically true, some of them are here. I think I may be having a dramatic moment.

This week I felt as if I was part of something again, connecting with people and places in a way that I haven't done properly for ages. My anxiety has got so much better, it feels like the fences it put around my body are slowly being smashed. By my high kicking ninja moves of course. I need to use those ninja moves on the black dog now, and kick his depressing little arse far away from mine.

 You know what, I've just realised, that I've done that all on my own (with help from the right medication!) No one has helped me, and I haven't had to rely on anyone. Its just been me. I'm doing this, I'm defeating the anxiety and depression!

Wahoo!

Go Sooz!

Yes!

I think this is called a breakthrough!

Whoooooop!

Lets all dance!!





xx

Saturday, 12 November 2011

dream big, start small

Ooch. Naughty Sooz, been neglecting my witterings for a few days. But fear not, I am back. I've just been getting a little bit distracted by London life.

And its good being distracted. More than good in fact, I've really enjoyed being here this week. Yet, saying that, I can't help but feel an uncomfortable niggle that refuses to go away. A niggle that tells me that everyone around me is chasing their dreams, and achieving all kinds of brilliance, that I can't help but feel jealous of.

Achievement can be judged and ranked in so many different ways,  but I think that its peoples passion that I feel so envious of. I want a piece of that. I want to channel and pursue my own dreams, instead of being constantly frightened of failure.

Just a small challenge for today then! Ha. Oh dear.

But one must start small, and so here are my ideas...

A lot of people have shown me amazing kindness, particularly over the past year. I have been asked many times by friends, "is there anything I can do to help you?", and usually, my mind goes blank, and I can't really think of anything. But today, I have two ways that YOU can help me...

1. Spread the blogging word. Tell people about www.letstalkaboutdepression.blogspot.com
I want to get as many people as possible clicking in and having a read. I want to reach out. I want to help, in any small way possible.....

Which is all part of a bigger plan....I want to try get something published. In some way, shape or form, I would like to be able for my blog to turn into a book. (EEEK! can't quite believe I've shared that with the universe, deep breath Sooz.)

So any advice, ideas, connections, suggestions, please, let me know! I have no idea where to start. And I'm petrified...

2. Over the past year I have created a mountain of paintings. And I'm thinking about putting together a teeny tiny exhibition. Again, I have no idea how to do this. Do you know of a small space that I could create an exhibition of my work? Maybe just for the weekend?

So just a few cheeky favours to ask all of you gorgeous people who read this :-)
I can't quite believe I've written this, I must have had too much diet coke or something.

I can't do this on my own.
I need your help.

xxx

Thursday, 10 November 2011

little miss piggott

Just cooked myself a very random meal. Garlic bread, bacon and mushrooms.

 Odd.

 But surprisingly tasty.

And very garlicy.

Someone pass me the polo's quick.

Or maybe not, as I'm resting my weary bones tonight, and having a cosy night in.

Last night I made the foolish error of picking the highest heels to go strutting around London in.

 Ouch.

My back aches, my feet are sore, but, were they worth it? Hell yes. No pain no gain. Fashion is always worth paying the price for. Plus, they double the length of my legs. Who can argue with that?

xxx

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

progress

Desperately trying to cool myself down after speeding walking home with  giant bag of heavy ducks legs. Who said it was winter? I have been surrounded by a mini heat wave all day. Knee high black boots and tights may have looked good, but I felt like my legs were in individual pressure cookers. Its quite possible that jets of steam were sighted whizzing out of the top.

But apart from the heat issues, it was good to be out and about. Life at home can be so quiet, and a little bit lonely. I love being part of the London buzz. And its so good for me to have some new challenges. A sign of progress. Hooray for that.

I've already been down to the Southbank twice this week. I just love being by the river. Now, I know the Thames could never win a beauty contest. Its always grey, and you don't really ever see cute ducks or anything stereotypically river like, but maybe that's what I like about it. Its big and dirty, but it doesn't pretend to be anything else. In all the changes that London has been through, the river has always stayed the same. Give or take a few more rats. And I like that continuity. Its a constant in a city that's always changing. When you need a space to think, its always there.

xxx

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

drama drama

Eyes barely open I poked my head out from my duvet nest and tried to work out where I was. My memory didn't want to be my friend, and the dreams that I had just been a part of seemed more real than anything. Sighing to myself, I surveyed the room, hopelessly trying to make a connection. At last it was the screaming siren outside that finally clicked my brain cells into place. London! Charlie and Ben's house! Their lovely guest room!

What a plonker.

Relieved I hadn't been kidnapped, taken into slavery, or, even worse, had a night of passion with z list celeb, I snuggled back into my bed.

Drama queen? Moi?

At least I've got my mini drama for today out of the way already. I can get up and face the day, without worrying about any potential drama following me around... (well, once I  move my arse from this very cosy armchair and put some clothes on...)

Not sure if I really want to face the day, black dog is clinging onto me.

Wish I had brought more comforting clothes. I want to wear trackies all day. But oh no, I had to be miss fancy pants and just pack my 'capsule wardrobe'. I really do curse myself sometimes.

xxx

Sunday, 6 November 2011

lights

Trying to cling onto strength, light, and to some part of me thats worth fighting for...

xxx

Ellie Goulding "Lights"

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Saturday, 5 November 2011

duvet and miss jones

In the ongoing battle between myself and my bed, today, the bed has won a small victory.

Although, I did manage to crawl out and stretch myself for a yoga class. I later resumed the plank position (technical yoga term which I may have got wrong) on the sofa, duvet and body entwined as one.

Ah well. I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much.

These things happen.

And we all need a snuggle with our duvets every now and again. Perhaps its a little sad that I'm getting hugs from a duvet and not a boyfriend, but I believe the duvet carries a lot less baggage. It never tries to argue with me when I want to watch a Sex and the City, it doesn't mind when I spill crumbs all over it, and most importantly, I am always, without doubt, right. A perfect relationship I think. Oh and it keeps my feet warm without claiming I have ice blocks for toes, and it never leaves me. Lovely stuff. Susie and her duvet, forever, together, for years to come.

Oh dear, I have this sinking feeling that I'm sounding a little 'Bridget Jones' esq this evening. I really must do better. After all, I don't even like Mr Darcy. And I hardly ever wear big knickers...

xxx

Thursday, 3 November 2011

yes, I am a poorly girl

I'm in a weird mood.

Weirder than usual.

Unsettled somehow.

Maybe due to the fact that I didn't sleep last night, and instead had a 3 hour lunchtime nap.

Whoops.

Hmm. Not sure.

Going to London next week for a few days, and I'm getting quite excited about having a change of scenery. But not looking forward to organising and packing. Yuk. Hate packing. So stressful. And its always warmer in London which just puts a spanner in the works in terms of wardrobe choices. Decisions decisions. (Note to all Londoners whom I like, do get in touch if you want to share a coffee...not that I expect you to share your coffee with me, because, actually, I don't like coffee and will be drinking diet coke...)

Ah, I'm making such a lot of nonsensical sense tonight. Excellent.

I do have a mental illness though, so maybe that can be my excuse....

In fact, sometimes, when I'm walking around town, holding my little shell (it helps my anxiety), listening to my ipod at full blast and not being able to look people in the eye, or when I'm in a cafe and have to chop up all my food, I think, maybe I should wear a badge. "Hello! My name is Susie, and I have depression and anxiety. Stay away!" Ha. No. That last bit is a joke really. I like people talking to me. As long as they don't smell of feet. I just don't want people to think I'm being rude, or standoffish, that there is a reason for my awkward and perhaps sometimes nervous behaviour. But as always, that's probably my own fears and anxieties that I'm transferring onto other people, without ever knowing the truth.

But its kind of a serious point. Because I have to remind myself that I do have an illness. That I haven't made myself like this. And just as someone with a physical illness or injury has to take time and space to recover, so must I.

You would think after all this time I would remember that by now. Perhaps the brain of Susie Piggott is a little on the slow side. My silly brain cells need to do a bit of catching up. I wish I could pluck them out and give them a good talking to, promising chocolate treats as rewards for excellent behaviour. Ha! Although, thinking about that in a medical literal sense makes me feel a bit gross and funny. Not a big fan of blood and stuff. I imagine that my brain cells wear cute cowboy boots and crazy glasses. They have round bouncy bodies, and they all ping around on my jelly like brain. It sounds really rather fun. They're just a bit naughty sometimes. And I think they get taken over by the black dog. Poor little nuggets.

xxx

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

What to wear?

After almost a year of practically living in my jeans (which have now ripped on the knee because I've worn them so much) and grey hoodie, I have completely lost all confidence in what to wear.

When I was working full time, I used to spend at least an hour and a half getting ready in the morning. I was always trying out new hairstyles and pushing the fashion boundaries. And I think I was quite good at it. Some people even used to ask me for advice. I could have fun with my clothes, I enjoyed dressing up.

But, I guess, the negative side was that part of me was trying to cover up my true feelings. I immersed myself in my image and my costume. It was like I was playing a part in a play, and wearing the right clothes came with that package.

And now?

Now I just feel lost!

My wardrobe taunts me, and my clothes play tricks on me. Its not trick or treat, more like trick and more tricks. A pretty dress suddenly turns into a dull potato sack as soon as I pull it over my head. A pair of heels make me look like a hooker. A pair of trousers that were once favourites, now just make me insanely paranoid about my VPL (thats visible panty line for all the male readers...)

I have no idea what suits me, because even when I try to get out of my trackies, and put something different on, I don't really feel any better. In fact, sometimes, I feel even more ridiculous. When wearing my shitty ripped jeans, I think, at least they suit my mood. They co-ordinate quite well with the big grey bags under my eyes that never seem to shift, and the always slightly frizzy hair that seems to have lost its way, and of course, not forgetting the ever spotty skin. When I put something nice on, my face just doesn't match.

I know I'm moaning, but it does feel better to write things down, so please bare with me...

I just wish I had a fairy godmother, someone to help me. Maybe Gok or Trinny and Susannah could pop round. Actually maybe not Gok, I don't think I want him fondling my breasts and calling them bangers. But Trinny and Susannah would do, they could probably do with the work after all. I need them to take the depression out of my wardrobe and give me some direction.

Honestly, that bloody black dog gets everywhere. Literally, no escape.

x

Sunday, 30 October 2011

grumpy chops

I want to believe something good about myself.

But that bastard black dog won't let me.

Urgh.

x

Saturday, 29 October 2011

sleepy times

Saddened to hear the news that the legend himself Mr Jimmie Saville has passed away. One of my most favourite programmes as a little munchkin was "Jim'll fix it' for you and you and you and  babaBAAA"...good times. I always wanted one of those shiny medals.

My cousin once wrote in asking if the 5 of us cousins could be the Famous Five for the day. Unfortunatly Jimmie never quite made our wish come true. But that didnt stop us from still living out our dream. Although Nina and I always got the duff parts, like Timmy the dog, or a tree or something. Ah well. Life goes on.

Feeling pretty much cream crackered, knackered and exhausted after a morning of jumble jumble everywhere.

Luckily my 2 year old nephew was a great help at being a "Shokpeeper" at the "jungle sale" (his words, obviously, not mine....!

Bedtime?

Oh go on then...

xxx

Friday, 28 October 2011

jumble jumble everywhere

Little bit shaky this evening. Just had my tea and started juggling with the houmous, luckily none of it ended up on the floor. Phew.

After a few weeks of organising, the jumble sale has finally arrived. Tomorrow morning I will have my selling hat on and my fingers crossed that people turn up! Its been a good distraction for me...But I must admit I'm a wee bit nervous about it all too. I think I will probably have to keep sneaking out for breaks. Hopefully Kim won't find me cowering in the corner, hiding from all crazy crowds.

 Deep breath Sooz.

 Don't put any pressure on yourself.

You're not letting people down if you find it all overwhelming.

When Kim and I were sorting through the jumble, we found some absolute classics. Frayed old ladies bra anyone? Or perhaps a rusty paint covered radio? But fear not, we weeded out the crap (well, most of it..)

Ahh! I'm going to stop thinking about tomorrow. My mind is racing and I can feel my body getting more and more panicky.

What shall I think about instead?

Hum.

Erm.

I know, I'll play a good song, and try and muster up a bit of confidence...

Big sigh.

Here we go...again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a28s_wyqkyc&feature=artistrec

I can do this...can't I?

xx

p.s my lovely friend Louisa took this photo on Wednesday....I haven't seen a rainbow for so long...and it was just another little reminder that hope can always be found..sometimes in the most unexpected places...!

xx

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

kindred spirits

Kindred spirits.

I like that phrase.

It makes me feel all warm and cosy.

It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables (if you haven't read or watched the videos, shame on you...although I doubt many of the male species have entered into the world of Avonlea...)

Its a phrase that gives me hope.

It makes me feel connected.

I like feeling connected.

And I like the feeling of liking feeling connected.

Ha! Bet that confused you...

A spirit, in my mind, is something invisible, a link, or a chain that can go anywhere, its superhuman. Its indestructible. You cannot harm or break it. It will never die. And it will never change.

Kindred spirits.

It reminds me that I'm not alone.

And I will say HURRAH to that!

xxx

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

She dreamed

Utterly fed up of having  non stop rubbish black dog days.

Urgh.

It feels like if I have 1 day that is a bit better then I am punished by having 4 completely stinking sodding days without the light.

(Metaphorically speaking of course, my house does have electricity, and  the lights are on, I'm not sat here using candles...)

I've tried to get out of the house. I've tried distracting myself. I've kept myself busy. I've even tried to dance around the living room with my nephew.

But to no avail. Nothing is working.

Which makes me wonder, whats the point of trying? Maybe I should just conserve that energy, and do what my brain and body really crave, which is, of course, my bed.

My lovely, beautiful, warm and cosy bed.

The only place I can curl into a ball, make myself a little nest, and wish the world away. Where I can imagine that the last year hasn't really happened, its all been one long nightmare, and I can wake up, fresh, shiny and new. No blemishes, no scars, no more tears.

I can disappear in my bed. Pretend that Susie Piggott doesn't really exist. That I have vanished, and I don't ever have to come back. That I can sleep forever if I want to, and I never have to wake up.

I'm safe in my bed. I'm safe when I'm asleep (well...apart from the nightmares....but we'll forget about that for now...)

Closing my eyes, and hugging my legs tightly to me, I try and train my brain to take me to my beach. Where I can walk alone across the sand and see the sun dipping down into the ocean. My toes are tickled by the seaweed in the rockpools and I watch the crabs scuttling between the rocks. I can feel the breeze against my face, soft and warm. Digging my hands into the sand, I look around me, just to check no-one else is around. And then I run, as quick as I can to the inviting waves, and let the sea wash over me.


"Paradise by Coldplay"

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of  paradise
paradise
paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied

And dreamed of  paradise
 paradise
 paradise


She dreamed of paradise
paradise
paradise

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be  paradise
 paradise
This could be  paradise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ZWlDks0nQ

xxxx
 

Monday, 24 October 2011

My keyboard talks to me

Just spent half an hour writing tonights entry...

Then decided I hated it and my writing was completley gross and utterly awful.

So I said "Helllooo Mr Delete button......tap tap tap!"

And Mr Delete button said, "Well done old girl, that blog really does stink, use me as often as you like!"

Ooo curses.

Curses. Curses!

xxx

Sunday, 23 October 2011

a few words

frustrated

angry

hate being controlled

tired

dont try and control me

fight

fight

frustrated

empty

darkness

hate

loathe

fight

fight

fed up

x

Saturday, 22 October 2011

I heart America

Ooo just had a bonfire in the garden with my dad. Love bonfires. Not that I'm pyromaniac or anything. I just get quite excited about burning things... (Yeah, that's probably what a pyromaniac would say too, oh well...!)

I love the smokey, woody smell, and the colourful dancing flames. The way the fire has a mind of its own, cracking and spitting sparks. Jumping around like its having a wail of  time. And its so warm. Toasty in fact. Anything that warms me up has to get my vote.

When I was doing Camp America three years ago, I spent a considerable amount of time sat round a camp fire. Lighting the fire became one of my favourite tasks first thing in the morning. When no-one else was around, and I could enjoy a moment of quiet. Ah bliss. Not that it lasted long! Ha. And it wasn't much fun with wet wood either, when I would spend most of the time cursing the flipping thing and flapping around with a plate.

In the evenings we would often make s'mores. Which are melted marshmallows sandwiched between gram crackers and chocolate. Quite delish and utterly fattening. (I don't think I spelt gram crackers the right way. I think you spell in graham. Maybe?) Hmm its not really important. But I used to like calling them Graham crackers anyway.

Ooo I have a craving for those Graham boys now.

And a craving for America.

Somebody take me back please...

xxx

Friday, 21 October 2011

frustrated sooz

RIDICULOUSLY distracted.

So probably not the best time to try and write this.

Well, I'm here now, so I guess its worth a little try.

Yoga again tomorrow. Yes! It will be my 3rd session, hurrah! Last week was quite a lot harder than the first week, but I did enjoy the warrior pose. And there was this weird bit at the beginning when you had to stick you finger up your nose or something. No, hang on, that's not right... I mean you had to cover your nose with your finger...Hmm, I'm not entirely sure to be honest, I got quite confused in the brain.

Especially when the woman says breathe out, and I'm usually breathing in at that point. She also kept on going on about getting your navel to your spine. Excuse me, what?? Literally I think she must have no bones in her body, or she's speaking a special yoga language. I need to learn this yoga language.

I think I'm just excited about doing my monkey pose again...

I'm really trying to push myself at the moment, continuing to give myself challenges each day.

Its flippin exhausting though.

And I'm not sleeping well which doesn't help.

 My nightmares are refusing to budge. Even when I wake up, they stay with me all day. Theres no point trying to tell someone or explain them because they just sound silly when I say them out loud. Sometimes I wake up shaking, or even crying (that's a bit embarrassing actually, didn't mean to admit that...) Floods and tsunamis are the most reoccurring. Or being attacked and chased. Or people close to me dying. The other horrible one is when I have a panic attack in my dream and then I wake up and I'm still having one.

 Horrible and nasty stuff. Sometimes I feel like a little kid because I don't want to go to sleep, I feel so scared of what tricks my mind is going to play on me. And you're all alone at nighttime too, which isn't the best. Well, I guess most people have someone to cuddle, but I don't, which is ok, but sometimes we all need a cuddle. I used to have my darling pooch Bella, but now she's gone. I miss her.

I miss my Grandpa too. In fact I could write a list of all the people I miss, a lot, a lot, a lot.

Oh I dont know why I start typing these things sometimes, I just make myself feel worse.

ARGH I really really don't like my brain. In fact I flippin HATE it.

I was sat on the step yesterday trying to find one thing I liked about myself. Shall I tell you what I came up with? My tattoo. My flipping tattoo. Which isnt even part of me, its an addition!!

ARGHARGHHHHHHHH

CURSES CURSES CURSES

I AM SO FRUSTRATED OF FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

my worms are all muggled up

I'm a little bit muddled up and all over the place tonight.

Its the kind of evening when I'm most likely to put toothpaste on my face instead of moisturiser or maybe spill diet coke on the newly cleaned carpet. But fingers crossed, I will try and avert disaster.
I shall probably contain myself to the comfort of my bedroom, which pretty much looks like a bomb site anyway so I don't really think I could make it much worse...!

I had a bad case of cabin fever today and just HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Despite being skint, I played the 'if I had a £1000 game' and picked out a few luxuries in Harvey Nichols. I quite like pretending to have a wallet full of dosh, I become my alter ego Lady Susanna, and quietly whisper, "But darling, when I was in Paris last month, it was all about red at fashion week, not burgundy.." Perhaps the fact that I'm wandering around on my own talking to myself slightly puts off the sales assistants from approaching me. Ah well, I'm in my imaginary world, and I don't care.

Am I a little bit sad?

Quite possibly yes...!

xxx

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

500 days of summer

Check out this clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw

Its from the film 500 days of summer. Which is a kind of OK film. Middle of the road. Good bits and bad bits. I think I quite like it. Maybe I need to watch it again as I seem to be a little undecided...!

Anyway, I want to start my day like that. I want to have a spring in my step. A bounce in my boots. A smile on my face. I want to feel happy. I want to see fireworks, and dance down the street. I want to wear a stupidly silly grin. I want to feel all warm inside (and having the central heating on doesn't count.) And, unlike the guy in the film, I know that I'm not going to get that from just one person. His surge of happiness quickly evaporates, like his girlfriend.

I'm not really sure if I'm making sense. Because I know that seeing certain people makes me happy, and hopefully one day (in a magical dreamland with all my fingers crossed) I might be with someone who makes me happy. But, its like, I've realised that its a lot more complicated than that. I need to be happy with ME first.

Bloody hell its taking a flipping long time isn't it??

I'm not even mildly pleased with myself yet. Let alone happy.

CURSES.

I just despise myself. And I can't get away from that.

x

Monday, 17 October 2011

Merci

 
 
 
Still find it so bizarre that people are continuing to read this. Especially when I'm having a run of bad days, feeling totally shit and useless. I get to the computer and think, "Urgh. Nothing positive to say tonight. AGAIN." Which can get a little bit frustrating.
 
So its really nice to check out my blog stats, and be reminded that you gorgeous people out there in cyber land are still routing for me to survive and beat this illness.
 
At least I think you are. I hope you are. You may just be laughing at the slightly strange situations I get myself into. Or giggling at the odd ways my brain works. I'm guessing maybe a little bit of both.
 
 Giggling is good, laughing is better, and nearly wetting yourself and not being able to breath because something is so HILARIOUS is priceless. Not that I've been in that situation for a while. Maybe I should put on some Alan Partridge. That usually cracks me up a treat. 
 
Anyway, just decided to share my blogging stats for the last 17 days, and say a huge big THANK YOU to everyone, all of you (even you gross person picking your nose...ewwww...)
 
United Kingdom
 pageviews 1,057
United States pageviews
 91
Germany
 pageviews 22
Thailand pageviews
22
Australia pageviews
18
France
 pageviews 14
Russia pageviews
9
Canada
 pageviews 2
Egypt
 pageviews2
India pageviews
2
Also I have some readers in Singapore, Denmark, and another country that I cant remember the name of, but it sounded quite exotic!
Hello and thank you to you too!

xxx