counselling and me

I've got some homework before my next counselling session this week. It keeps on popping into my head at the most annoying times, just to piss me off. Its as if it knows that I really don't want to do it. And my most likely excuse for not doing it, is my forgetfulness, so its being extra irritating just so I get it done.....

Yuk.

Often, when I get back from counselling, my darling Dad says, "Did you have a good time?" I'm really not sure what he expects me to say, because its not exactly a barrel of laughs.

I'm sure theres a Dickens quote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." An overused quote I'm sure, but it sums up my counselling experience so well.

Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish and finally get round to doing that smelly old homework....

xxx