Friday, 21 October 2011

frustrated sooz

RIDICULOUSLY distracted.

So probably not the best time to try and write this.

Well, I'm here now, so I guess its worth a little try.

Yoga again tomorrow. Yes! It will be my 3rd session, hurrah! Last week was quite a lot harder than the first week, but I did enjoy the warrior pose. And there was this weird bit at the beginning when you had to stick you finger up your nose or something. No, hang on, that's not right... I mean you had to cover your nose with your finger...Hmm, I'm not entirely sure to be honest, I got quite confused in the brain.

Especially when the woman says breathe out, and I'm usually breathing in at that point. She also kept on going on about getting your navel to your spine. Excuse me, what?? Literally I think she must have no bones in her body, or she's speaking a special yoga language. I need to learn this yoga language.

I think I'm just excited about doing my monkey pose again...

I'm really trying to push myself at the moment, continuing to give myself challenges each day.

Its flippin exhausting though.

And I'm not sleeping well which doesn't help.

 My nightmares are refusing to budge. Even when I wake up, they stay with me all day. Theres no point trying to tell someone or explain them because they just sound silly when I say them out loud. Sometimes I wake up shaking, or even crying (that's a bit embarrassing actually, didn't mean to admit that...) Floods and tsunamis are the most reoccurring. Or being attacked and chased. Or people close to me dying. The other horrible one is when I have a panic attack in my dream and then I wake up and I'm still having one.

 Horrible and nasty stuff. Sometimes I feel like a little kid because I don't want to go to sleep, I feel so scared of what tricks my mind is going to play on me. And you're all alone at nighttime too, which isn't the best. Well, I guess most people have someone to cuddle, but I don't, which is ok, but sometimes we all need a cuddle. I used to have my darling pooch Bella, but now she's gone. I miss her.

I miss my Grandpa too. In fact I could write a list of all the people I miss, a lot, a lot, a lot.

Oh I dont know why I start typing these things sometimes, I just make myself feel worse.

ARGH I really really don't like my brain. In fact I flippin HATE it.

I was sat on the step yesterday trying to find one thing I liked about myself. Shall I tell you what I came up with? My tattoo. My flipping tattoo. Which isnt even part of me, its an addition!!



I AM SO FRUSTRATED OF FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  1. You forgot witty, intelligent, brave, attractive, sensitive, creative, inspiring......the list goes on. You might not see them sometimes Sooz, but i promise you, they're all there....and the tatoos pretty frickin cool. I want one.

  2. you should get one!!! it REALLY doesnt hurt that much, promise!!