Sunday, 11 December 2011

all i want for christmas

Been sitting here feeling pretty rotten, and once again wishing that it wasn't December. I think everyones festive period would be a lot brighter without my sour old face dragging them down. I don't want to inflict my illness on others. I wish I could wrap myself in brown paper and post myself across the globe. Wake up somewhere sunny, and be satisfied that for the next month I wouldn't be able to ruin anybodys Christmas.

But maybe that sounds self centred. Maybe I should realise that whether I'm here or not doesn't really make much difference to anyone.

I don't know.

I'm confused.

What I do know is that after seeing this video on the news, something clicked in my head (and it made me giggle too...!)

 I'm sure lots of people have seen it, but it was posted by the crew of HMS Ocean, who were away for 7 months...instead of 7 weeks!  They're now back home with their families for the next month...just in time for Christmas. A heartwarming tale. And one that's made me think. What do I want for Christmas? Or maybe not just for Christmas, but in life. What do I want?

Presents? Hugs? Festive goodwill?

All good things. But none of those are at the top of my list.

I count myself as lucky, I know I have family and friends who love me, and I certainly couldn't ask for more from them.

But someone who wants me for Christmas? Perhaps that's a small secret wish that I'd like too....Although something that I've pretty much realised isn't going to happen for that can't be at the top of the list.

So, all I want for Christmas?

I want me.

And maybe that sounds selfish, but after this year, its all I can hope for.

I want Susie back.

Healthy me.

No more depression.

No more anxiety.

Just me.




  1. I suspect Susie that all your family would like you to have you for Christmas.

    It can be an awfully difficult time of the year. Everywhere we look, we see what we perceive to be happiness. Yet so many people dread it as it gives the opportunity to show how difficult a year it has been or how empty we feel inside.

    I felt like that for many years but got my life back, my late fiancée chiefly responsible for breathing life back into a corpse. I pray that this Christmas and future years will bring the smile and happiness you so deserve.

  2. Well, you can't magically wish depression away, but here's something you might want to try. Giving is one way to improve your mental wellbeing, but - here's the important bit - this doesn't necessarily mean with money or things. Giving gifts for Christmas that actually involve an experience, that create new memories, actually create longer-lasting happiness for both the person giving and the person you're giving the gift to.

    So - for Christmas this year, how about giving friends and family gifts that would involve you doing something with them or going somewhere that you both would like?