Been sitting here feeling pretty rotten, and once again wishing that it wasn't December. I think everyones festive period would be a lot brighter without my sour old face dragging them down. I don't want to inflict my illness on others. I wish I could wrap myself in brown paper and post myself across the globe. Wake up somewhere sunny, and be satisfied that for the next month I wouldn't be able to ruin anybodys Christmas.
But maybe that sounds self centred. Maybe I should realise that whether I'm here or not doesn't really make much difference to anyone.
I don't know.
What I do know is that after seeing this video on the news, something clicked in my head (and it made me giggle too...!)
I'm sure lots of people have seen it, but it was posted by the crew of HMS Ocean, who were away for 7 months...instead of 7 weeks! They're now back home with their families for the next month...just in time for Christmas. A heartwarming tale. And one that's made me think. What do I want for Christmas? Or maybe not just for Christmas, but in life. What do I want?
Presents? Hugs? Festive goodwill?
All good things. But none of those are at the top of my list.
I count myself as lucky, I know I have family and friends who love me, and I certainly couldn't ask for more from them.
But someone who wants me for Christmas? Perhaps that's a small secret wish that I'd like too....Although something that I've pretty much realised isn't going to happen for me...so that can't be at the top of the list.
So, all I want for Christmas?
I want me.
And maybe that sounds selfish, but after this year, its all I can hope for.
I want Susie back.
No more depression.
No more anxiety.