Friday, 16 December 2011

world of the strange

Oh for goodness sake you stupid computer. Why don't you cut me some slack and stock being such a knob!

Ah. That felt good. Release the angry beast in two short sentences instead of shoving my head through the computer screen. Much more appropriate. And not as destructive. Or painful.

Right, where was I....

Oh yes, I have been faffing around in a most annoying fashion. I can't really settle down, feel really restless. Having a headache that feels as if someone is constantly jabbing me in the head with a sharp stick isn't helping either. The fact that its a year ago today since I was signed off work  is bringing down my mood. Its a date that I don't want to remember. An anniversary I don't want to keep.

Dates like that are always irritating, and never fail to bring me down. But I think this one tops the list. Another reminder of my failings. Urgh. Another reminder of the marathon that I've still got to complete. Yuk. I don't think I've got the energy, I really don't. I'm only a little person. With tiny legs, and not much stamina. I can't take it any more. To think about next year, and realising that things probably wont have changed much again is so depressing. Disheartening. And makes me wonder what on earth the point is in my strange little existence.

25, living at home with parents. Trying desperately to keep busy. Knitting scarves, hats and baby blankets. Having to sit in the same chair every time I eat, and chop up my food into silly small pieces. Unable to plan things, or be around a big group of people. Failing to give up smoking because its the only way I can relax. Sleeping for 12 hours every day. Cleaning and organising obsessively when I feel like I need to try and control something in my life. Painting pictures that get shoved under my bed. Writing stories that I never finish. Missing people that might not be missing me. Walking in the fields as every season changes around me. Days turn into weeks, turn into months.

Sometimes I can't believe this is what my life has turned into. Totally bizarre.


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