Monday, 28 February 2011

The end of Feb...hurrah

Another endless day....yawn....

This must be such a boring read, I'm boring myself just writing the same things over and over again! I keep on re-reading and deleting. I don't think this is going to make much sense tonight. I feel like my writing is so full of repetition. But so are my days. Each day is a battle that has to be fought over and over again. Nobody wins and nobody loses. No ground is taken, no victory won. Its never ending. And I'm so tired of it all. Some days I think I can see little nuggets of strength coming back to me, but not today...

Arrrrrggghhhh this is so frustrating! And I know I must sound like such a melodramatic drama queen. Its really quite irritating because some days I really don't care what anyone thinks, and I often forget that anybody even reads this. But something is niggling at the back of my mind tonight, and I can't work out what it is. This would be an excellent point at which to reach for my mantras...

Depression and anxiety are an illness. They are not signs of weakness.

It is not your fault that you have depression and anxiety

I really need to focus on those mantras this evening. And I need to stop worrying about tomorrow and just concentrate on getting through the rest of today.

Mmm I need to find something to make me giggle for a minute...

Aha...found it....An old friend recommended I take a sneaky peak at Rastamouse....
And it just bought a cheeky little grin to my face.  I could seriously get a bit addicted to this genius children's TV programme. Check it out....!

(Hmm is it weird to be jealous of a cartoon character's outfit? Scratchy wears the cutest leopard print skirt...I wonder where she got it from....!)


Sunday, 27 February 2011

It seems like such a loooooooooooooooooooong day

Today seems to have gone on forever and its not even over yet. Diet coke and oreos to get through the next few hours? Yes I think so.

I did attempt to cook a roast dinner at lunchtime. It was a close shave, disaster was lurking around every corner of the kitchen My hands were going into shaking overload and I almost dropped the chicken on the floor! Luckily it just fell back into the roasting tin. Phew. Crisis averted.  They never mention roast chicken dropping when talking about depression and anxiety do they! Thats where the real problems lie...well that and dropping glasses, spilling drinks, breaking coasters, smashing biscuit jars....

Lovely chinwag with good friend accross the pond. Skype is such a genius invention. And we are such good pals, so in tune with each other, even thousands of miles away, that we were wearing the same outift. Oooo world of the strange....

Thats it for today....

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Spinning Away

OK, so I've just re-read today's blog and I don't think it makes any sense! I'm pretty knackered and I'm really having trouble concentrating. But even though the upcoming blog makes me sound completely nuts, I have to write it down. I don't want to forget it. And if theres a teeny tiny chance that it might help someone else for a few minutes, then bonus....So here we go...

My mind is constantly whirring...questioning...doubting...fearing....I get so frustrated with my mind and body. I feel like I am walking around in the darkness, looking for a light switch that has been hidden from me. There are  a few little techniques that can sometimes help when I'm like this. But the really tough thing is, when the black dog has taken over you, you feel totally immobilised. It takes a staggering amount of superhuman strength to do anything. And when you're in that place, you don't feel like anything will ever make it better or take you away from it.

So, try this....And for a few minutes your mind and body will take you out of the darkness.

First, download the song, Spinning Away by Sugar Ray (little bit of trivia, its on 'The Beach' soundtrack. Rubbish film, that we all pretended to love because of Leo...ahhh good times...)
Oooo Leonardo managed to distract me for a minute there....

Second, find yourself a space.
Away from people.
Preferably outside.
A field, a garden, a beach, but even your bedroom works.

Blast the song out.
And spin.
Spin slowly..
Spin fast....and faster!
Round and round...
Put your arms out...
Look up...
Go so fast that you think you might fall over, and if you do then it will be a moment of hilarity.
And then stand still.
Whoaaaa dizzy hey....

Now I bet you feel like a fruit loop too!

But for a minute there....You were taken away. Transported. A moment away from the black dog. Hurrah for spinning.
Simple things....:-)

Oh and here are the lyrics....

Up on a hill,
as the day dissolves
With my pencil turning moments into line.
One by one,

all the stars appear
As the great winds of the planet spiral in.
Spinning away, like the night sky

In the million insect storm, the constellations form.
On a hill,

under a raven sky
I have no idea exactly where I've been.

Some kind of change,
some kind of spinning away,
With every single line moving further out in time.

Spinning away,
Like the night sky,
I have no idea exactly where I've been

And here, and there.
And here, and there.

Some kind of spinning away

And here, and there.
And here, and there.

Some kind of spinning away.

                                             Spinning Away, Sugar Ray


Friday, 25 February 2011


Owww 6 hours in a car....the day after horse riding....which I haven't done for 2 body is in serious breakdown pain overload. (Not that I'm a drama queen or anything.....)

 I have rediscovered muscles I didn't know existed....I think they will probably go back undercover for the foreseeable future....

The last 24 hours have involved lots of napping. I'm totally exhausted and can't wait to get back into my bed...its calling me...

"Susie...! Susie...! Come back to me...get snuggled up...I'm the most comfortable bed in the world Susie..If you get into bed the world will disappear and you won't have to think about anything..." What an evil creature it is. Never has there been a truer example of a love hate relationship. Susie and her bed. Some may argue that being an inanimate object a bed is unable to speak or have feelings or a relationship. I say, well you obviously haven't met my bed!

Must resist the urge to crawl up in comfy warm duvet...must stay awake a little longer.....

Going to stop typing now. This blog may sound a little crazy....

Ah change there then!

Much love

Thursday, 24 February 2011

24th Feb, don't forget today Susie....

I think I may have overstretched myself slightly today. Totally cream crackered...I need to put little cartoon matchsticks to hold my peepers open.

But the reason for such tiredness has an element of excitement attached to it. Well I didn't meet a handsome prince on the beach or anything... Actually no forget that, I've changed my mind. This was much more exciting than that!

Ooo I am having a good old witter this evening, I think it must be my tired out mashed potato brain.

Anyway...the point is...(I will get there soon I promise!) I went horse riding this morning!

A lovely little Welsh horse called Della (it means 'pretty' in Welsh) was my trusty steed. And it felt amazing. Wind in my hair, cantering along, mountains to my right, sea to my left, totally dependant on Della, adrenaline rushing through my body. It wasn't just the feeling of riding that was so good, but the feeling that I actually wanted to do it. Because for so long my body and mind have been completely shut down. And all I have wanted to do is to disappear.

Also I had a pink riding hat, which was just perfect for me...!

I need to remember this day.........

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

I'm worms are all muggled up!

Oh yes its blog time...I almost forgot...

I was getting a little bit distracted, as I'm thinking about having a tatoo....So I was having a little browse to see what I could find. I've always quite fancied a tatoo but I'm so squeemish, it hasn't happened yet... Also I want to have one that means something. Not just for the sake of having it, but something all deep and meaningful....ha ha.... the cheesey cheese is making an apperance again this evening. I'm so flippin fussy and particular though I don't know if I will find anything to meet my precise visual needs!

The idea is to have the word Hope written just on the inside of my right hand wrist. So I can always see it, never forget it...but also if I hate it I can hide it aSAP! It will probably never happen....well, we shall see won't we....!

Blah blah mumble mumble jumble jumble I don't feel like I am making any sense this evening.....

Soaking wet windy walk on the beach this morning. I was the only person there. Totally alone. The waves crashing onto the beach. A constant neverending sea. Stood for ages in the waves, just listening and watching. Sat down on the sand dunes and took a little video so hopefully won't forget it when I get home. Then put on the ipod and danced around and span round in circles. What freedom. Sang my little heart out....Candi Staton- You've got the love...classic all time favourite....

Bloody good job the beach was empty to be honest.....I may have looked a like a bit of a fruitloop....!

Until tomorrow xxxxxxx

Tuesday, 22 February 2011


I mentioned on a previous blog that my counsellor encouraged me to write my own mantras. They are positive statements that I have written myself into my little notebook. The aim is to try and say them out loud to myself every day, and eventually they should stick in my brain. My memory has gone to absolute mashed potatoes recently, so as I sat here, I wondered whether they had made any lasting impression....turns out....those mantra nuggets are starting to take up residence in my mind, hurrah!

I know it sounds totally bizarre and maximum cheese levels have been reached. But when you are broken down to the most basic of shells, you wonder whatever happened to you. Realising that its not your fault, is a massive step, and one that I have to continue to repeat. Because if I had a nasty virus or a broken bone I wouldn't be beating myself up about it, I would probably be annoyed but I would accept it and move forward. Your mind being broken up is a totally different concept. It feels like a gigantic jigsaw, when you're not even sure what the finished picture is supposed to be.

Reaching out for help is the most important step. I wouldn't be sat here typing this had it not been for my medication, my counselling, and of course my amazing family and friends. I'm sorry if that sounds dark and scary, and maybe its too personal for people. But this is a scary illness. And we need to talk about it. I am by no means an expert....I'm just trying to find ways of surviving, and I desperately want other people to know that they are not alone.

I feel like I have been wittering on for far too long now, this has got all deep and meaningful tonight! My mum and dad often ask me what I'm going to write my blog about each day. The interesting thing is, I genuinely don't know until I sit down, blank screen staring out at me. The impulse and creativity...and a lot of babbling rubbish....just kind of flows out. It feels good.

Maybe I should finish on some hilarious story now just to lift the mood slightly....Ummmmm....

Ooooo here is a joke for you...for which I cannot take credit for, but  a lovely lady from the west country emailed it to me, and it still has me laughing every time I think about it....

What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop!!! hahahahahahah!!

Anyway are my mantras............

Don't forget who you are Susie.

You are made up of millions of particles, different from anyone else in the world.

A human creature, an earthly being. Nobody is perfect, we are all flawed.

Hope can often hide, but always be found.

Things have happened in your life and you have reacted to them. They are not failings.

Challenge guilt, fear and failure. Don't let them rule your mind.

Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, share the load.

Depression and anxiety are not signs of weakness. They are an illness.

It is not your fault that you have depression and anxiety.

Now is the time for self-discovery. Be selfish.

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 21 February 2011

I'm not 100% sure but I think its Monday? Yes? Yes....

It seems like such a long time ago since I opened my curtains this morning and saw the waves crashing onto the beach.

A long day.

 Not a bad day, it just feels about 50 hours long, not 24. I feel like I have overcome quite a few hurdles today. I need to remember that its ok if I don't achieve the same amount of things tomorrow, each day is different, and so is my progress.

If I was a little robotic machine then I could be programmed to get slightly better each day. But I'm not, I'm human, and we're a lot more complicated, and a lot more interesting than that.

Thats it for brain is a little fuzzy. I did put some eyeshadow on this evening though which was quite exciting.....(gold and brown tones if you're interested, to blend with my coral top...ha!) And I ate a packet of pom bears...yum yum yum...!

Oh and of course my family are like a flippin comedy roadshow, I just wish someone somwhere had a candid camera, because I could make a dollar or two!

Much love, especially to all the GORGEOUS people who keep on sendin me LOVELY messages, you make  a MASSIVE difference. I'm eternally grateful, and can only hope that one day I will be able to return the favour some day.....

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Waves and Wales

I am currently sat typing this in a little games room, in a hotel, in Wales.

I have been whisked away by my family for some rest and re cooperation.

Anxiety levels have been going into overdrive but I'm so proud that I've made it. I'm here, I've survived the journey and I've survived the change of scenery.

And boy oh boy, is the change of scenery amazing. My room (that I'm sharing with my Grandma, hilarious stories to follow this week....) overlooks the sea. Beautiful sandunes, a glimpse of sunshine and the endless rush of the waves.

Nature, space, air, sea, sky, sand, air, breeze, water, space.........medication that can't be taken in tablet form, but is needed in just the same way.....


Saturday, 19 February 2011

Bits and pieces

An amazing bit of writing.....not by me..... that seems even more real when you're surrounded by darkness..........

                     Bits and Pieces

People important to you, people unimportant to you,
Cross your life,touch it with love and carelessness and move on.

There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief,
and you wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave and you breathe a sigh of remorse,
and you wonder why they had to go away and leave a gaping hole.

Children leave parents, friends leave friends.
Aquaintances move on.
People change homes.
People grow apart.
Enemies hate and move on.
Friends love and move on.

You think of the many who have moved into hazy memory.
You look on those in the present and wonder.

You find you are made up of Bits and Pieces of all who have touched your life,
and you are more because of it,
and you would be less if they had not touched you.

I pray that you accept the Bits and Pieces in humility and wonder,
and never question
and never regret.
Bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces.

A very wise person wrote these words.......Apologies I can't quite remember who it was.

After spending the most amazing summer at Camp Alta Mons, Shawsville, Virginia, they were read out at our last evening of camp. An unforgetable summer because of the wonderful warm hearted people I met, the beautiful landscape around me, and the times of trouble that crept up on me and I overcame with a strength I wasn't aware of. I want to rediscover this strength. In times of darkness, I need to remember this courage.

And most importantly, never to forget all the many people who have touched my life.

Much love xxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 18 February 2011


I have been staring at the blank computer screen for about half an hour now. Me thinks this will be just a teeny tiny little mini blog as I have brain ache....

Youtube is so distracting...I just keep on discovering rediscovering all kinds of gems. I do love a good old trip down memory lane...

Anyway...Went to the doctors this morning. She has put me on sleeping tablets again and also some medicine to try and help me to eat more. I hold so much tension in my stomach, which is part of the reason why mealtimes are so difficult. Fingers crossed they will make a difference. I don't want to rely too much on the sleeping tablets, but the aim is to get my sleep into a more 'normal' pattern. Theory is, if I sleep better at night, I should feel marginally better in the day. So as well as my anti-depressants and my vitamins I think I'm taking a total of 7 tablets a day now! If you pick me up and shake me up and down, I will rattle. Truth....!

Thats it for now...a little bit coke is calling me....xxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 17 February 2011

These boots were made for walking...

Mind is a little bit frazzled this evening...

I was able to go for lunch with a good pal today which was so lovely. To be able to want to go and to actually achieve it was amazing. And I didn't freak out, have a panic attack or anything! Wahey....I'm just going to ignore the fact that it took me about 2 hours to get ready...!

I realise it might seem so odd to people that these normal tasks take such a super human amount of effort for me. But thats just the way it is (its pretty weird for me too....) For so long I was pretending, acting, playing a part, doing normal everyday stuff and having to keep all the anxiety, stress and depression below the surface. Its a relief to be honest with myself and other people. And for people to accept me and be so understanding... Thank you..... :-)

I am learning  just how important it is to let our bodies have time to heal. So much of our lives feel like a race, a competition. We often want to just ignore the bad stuff, get rid of it quickly, so we can move on and forget it. Sometimes we can think that we have dealt with issues, but if we don't truely address this nasty stuff, it just comes back and bites you on the arse even harder. And it seriously hurts twice as much. Those teeth are sharp, yikes....! Anyway I think I might be getting a little cheesy and I will stop there.....!

I should probably go back upstairs to the bombsite that is my room. I had a little trying on session earlier which was extremely frustrating as everything is just massive on me...But then I remembered SHOES! I love you shoes.......And my feet are the same size......They haven't changed.....They still fit! I think I'll go and pop some heels on, who cares if I'm not going anywhere....if it makes me feel better....lets go strut....!

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Remember rememeber.... the 16th February?!

Practically speaking depression and anxiety are a  nightmare. You are immobilised mentally, emotionally, and physically. And its so frustrating. I haven't been able to work for 2 months now, and I miss it. I miss feeling normal. I miss doing normal everyday tasks.

I know that I have improved in  small ways, but it still feels like such a long road ahead of me. It feels like a miracle just to be able to have a goal. 2 months ago I wouldn't of seen the point in having a goal. And to be honest I'm just keeping it in the back of my head, and remembering small steps, small steps.

Today I had counselling, which left me cream crackered as per usual. But always so helpful. I'm so lucky to have a counsellor who really understands me, and can see what is important to me. It makes a massive difference. I need to focus on challenging my negative thoughts, and questioning them. I often feel like things in my life, or my mind are out of control, and I need to remember that this is a perception, and not reality. Its so difficult! Especially with the nature of my illness. I often feel like that its my own fault for having depression and anxiety. That I have made myself like this. I need to remember that this is the illness talking!

That is seriously a lot of remembering to do.....phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it....Which is why I write everything down...Clever hey!

My counsellor has also encouraged me to write my own mantras. They have to be  statements that I write myself and mean something to me. I read them every day, sometimes once, sometimes every hour!  Now this sounds super cheesy, but it really does help. The aim is that at some point down the road I won't have to sit down and read them, but they will become the confident inner voice in my mind that I need to rediscover and trust.

When I feel surrounded by darkness, I have a list of things to do. Again it was my counsellor who encouraged me to have this list written down, and for it to be accessible. Because when you're in the darkness, there doesn't seem any point in doing anything. So I text or ring someone, use my visualisation/relaxation breathing techniques, go for a walk,  and then read my mantras.

Here is one:

Hope can often hide,
But always be found.

And on that note,
Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxx
P.S When finishing my blog why do I always have the urge to go back and delete everything....must....resist....delete...button.......arggh!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Pilates and the Prime Minister....

My lovely Auntie sent me a pilates DVD last week so I had a little pilates session in the lounge this morning. I felt a little bit of a fool lying on the floor squeezing a cushion between my knees....half listening and half watching a lady in the brightest and tightest lycra....but I'm pretty sure I was doing it right....I'm hoping that the 80's inspired lycra isn't an essential part of turning my body into a temple...

But joking aside, I found it really helpful, and good to concentrate on something else for a little while. I think I'll try and do it reguarly (I want to say everyday, but I'm gonna go for something more achieveable and vague...haha!)

I've caught up a little bit on my correspondance today. 3 letters written (1 to David Cameron, giving him a piece of my mind,ha!) and 3 emails sent. Massive thanks again to everyone who has sent me such thoughtful messages.....They mean so much to me....and I PROMISE I  will reply soon!

My anxiety has been controlling my body and my mind this afternoon. Struggled to eat much as stomach is so knotted up with tension. My mind is spinning and won't stop.

Hands are shaking again...curses....I think I'll stop typing now...
Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 14 February 2011

Eyedew dazzling eyedrops....

Sleepy Susie... Been on the diet coke and dairy free chocolate to try and perk me up a bit. I fell asleep in front of the fire this afternoon. Mama was amazed that I can sleep on the floor, but it really was so warm and snuggley....I think I have been blessed with the gift of being able to sleep anywhere...

 Since being unwell I have noticed my eyes seem really cloudy and dark. I feel like I have permanent bags under my eyes. Actually not bags, more like flippin suitcases.... So you can imagine my excitement when I spied an advert for eyedrops, claiming to make your eyes dazzle and sparkle! Ooo yes I though to myself. I would love to have eyes like that. Yes yes please. And so I went on a little mission this morning, and I sniffed out these eyedrops. Well let me tell you this ladies and gents, my eyes are sparkling once again! The drops make the whites in your eyeball even whiter and clearer, and I think I might get a little bit addicted to them. I'm looking forward to surprising Mama by creeping out of the shadows with the whites of my eyes blazing out at her!!

I tell you what, this girl will do anything to make her feel better, even just for a minute...

This afternoon I'd been thinking about the next few months and have got a couple of goals set in the back of mind. Ha but I'm not going to tell you yet! I will keep you in suspense dear reader....(also if I don't achieve them, nobody will ever know...clever hey?!) So its all pretty amazing progress, but at the moment they feel like these great big mountains looming  ahead of me. I keep on having to think about small steps, but maybe I should think about the feeling I would have at the top of the mountain. Fingers crossed, the view from the top will be fantastic....

Here's another song that I've been listening it, its so chilled and I love the words

...Wake up Susie
Put your shoes on
Walk with me into this light...

..Another night has gone
Life goes on
Another dawn is breaking
Turn and face the sun
One by one
The world outside is waking...    Another Day, James Taylor

Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Don't forget who you are Susie....

One of the strangest feelings is not really knowing who you are anymore. When you are controlled by an illness that doesn't just take over your mind, but your body too.

Because for so long you've been acting. You've been pretending that you're fine, that you're dealing with things, that if you keep busy then everything will be ok.

And when you stop acting, its the biggest weight off your shoulders. But you can't quite remember when things started going wrong, when you started pretending. You're left with an empty shell. A person that you remember meeting once, a long time ago, but you can't really recall anything significant about them anymore. Like someone you meet in a dream, who's face you can't quite place, a hazy memory.

Two months ago I couldn't of written  this blog. And now I am. I've remembered that I love writing. This afternoon I painted, I love painting. Being creative is a part of me, and I had forgotten that. Both of these things are such amazing healing tools for me, they allow me to channel my energy into something else. They give me a break from my crazy mashed up little brain of depression and anxiety, and that is so important.

So here are a few little things about Susie, that I don't want to forget, and I don't want to change. Because I'm pretty sure.... not 100%..... but I think its ok to be me.....

I'm glad that my eyes are green.

I have the most amazing dreams..... (and the scariest nightmares!!)

My favourite colours are red, purple, and pink.

I love to dance.

I love to paint...not little pictures, but big pictures, where the colours are the most important thing.

I like lying on my bedroom floor listening to all kinds of

I like listening to other peoples conversations and writing down the weird and wonderful things they say.

I love being in art galleries which are quiet...having the time and space to become entranced by a painting, and staring at it for as long as I want to

I love being outside, in space, in fresh air.

I like watching old films that remind me of when I was little.

I love animals, especially dogs and horses.

I would say, you can never have too many pairs of shoes.

I only like even numbers.

I like the smell of rain on dry ground.

I'm glad that my feet are small, but I wish they weren't so wide...!

I'm thinking now that looks like a little self-indulgent weird list of things, and also it looks a bit boring! Ha it would be so much easier to write a list of things that I don't like about myself......But thats not helpful!!

Must keep positive.........Kind of want to delete all the above now and start again....!
Oh bugger it......

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Somehow...somewhere..something is gonna make you laugh!

I love laughing. I love it even more when I haven't laughed for ages, and something really gets me giggling right in the gut. It becomes uncontrollable, my chuckle that can't be stopped, as I begin to fall off my chair....

I'm trying to write this blog whilst being distracted by a hilarious conversation down memory lane.....

Anyway, the point is, when you haven't laughed for a long time, you appreciate it so much more. You want the laughter to last for as long as possible, and when you find something funny, you don't want to let it go, you don't want to forget it. Well thats how things are for me at the moment. It makes me realise just how long I have lived without laughter in my life.These funny moments are like precious gems, glimmers of light breaking through the darkness.

So here's a little tale for you..........

A few months ago I noticed something sparkling.... And it wasn't just what was so bright and shiny that caught my eye, but where it the bottom of the toilet!As I took a closer look, I realised that it was a 5 pence piece....How did it get there? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? Had the fairies been leaving money in toilets instead of under pillows? This was a mystery to be undertaken by Detective Piggott...and this was a case that I would have to crack! (Apologies, but there's got to be a few  bottom puns in this story!) Being the festive period the detective in me could only assume that someone had eaten a piece of christmas pudding, and accidently eaten the traditional coin! But who could of eaten such a thing? And how did they not realise? And boy oh boy...did they notice it pop out?? (Again, apologies for the graphic nature of the story, but these were serious points to the investigation.....)

I hate christmas pudding, so that ruled me out of the equation, plus the fact that I wouldn't be such a dimwit to swallow a coin. So that left the suspects down to Mama and Papa Piggott. Both keen eaters of christmas pudding. Suspicious. Yes. Evidence? Not enough...

Thus began the subtle questioning of each suspect, casually dropping christmas pudding into conversation. How much did they really like it? Had they eaten any recently? Had they any previous experience of swalling coins? Maybe they realised I was on to them, maybe I wasn't quite subtle enough, or maybe just maybe one of them had a guilty consience. Either way, they were soon realising that Detective Piggott was on the case, and something was not quite peachy... (peachy bottom anyone....?!)

Or maybe they had just seen the coin in the toilet... When questioned, both suspects blamed one another (typical) and stated that they had not touched a crumb of the festive pudding. And so the mystery continues....the plot thickens, and before you say, "Maybe someone just dropped it?" No! Of course they didn't. That would be too easy. Too simple an explanation. Theres a double crossing going on here somewhere and I will uncover it. Thus, everytime I pop into the toilet, I hear a little chuckle at the back of my head. The coin is still there. Detective Piggott hasn't been given been any new evidence. But when telling my Grandma about it, I had to use every ounce of my energy to stop her putting on her marigolds, sticking her hand down the toilet and bringing the coin back up. "But every penny counts!" She cried. No sorry Grandma, not this one, this coin is a little dose of laughter, and its staying in the toilet!

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 11 February 2011

Blood on the dance floor....(lets hope not!)

Today it felt like spring. A pal came over and we went for a walk in the sunshine. It was beautiful.

 I'm not really into all those springtime cliches...the birds were singing...the flowers blooming....lambs frolicking....its a little predictable! But if I were into springtime cliches, then the views this afternoon pretty much fitted the bill...

 So much of yesterday was spent indoors, trapped in a little dark bubble. It was good to break free.

This evening I'm hoping to go to my streetdance class. I have been a dancer my whole life, and I love it. It takes me away from everything, and means that for just a little while my crazy brain can be turned off. All that matters is me, the music and busting my amazing moves! Actually I'm pretty funny to watch...because I'm trained in ballet, tap, and contemporary I'm having to learn a whole new style of moving. Think of the girl in Save the Last Dance, but without those awful outfits.....haha!

 Last week I only managed to do half of the class as my energy levels were so low, and I was shaking so much. So this week I'm going to try and dance for 15 mins, break for 5 mins, and try and pace myself throughout the class. I can't describe just how frustrating it is to be continuously physically and mentally stopped from doing things. Yet it makes me so much more understanding of what it must be like for others.

So think (and that doesn't mean laugh!) of me tonight as I try and shake my little booty accross the dancefloor.....

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Thursday?Yes its thursday...

Another huge thank you to all the people who have taken the time out to send me messages. I feel so encouraged to have your support and so privileged that some of you have been so kind as to share your own experiences with me. As I lay in the bath last night I began to worry as I know I haven't replied to everyone yet! I promise I will....At the moment,it sounds silly, but the nature of the depression means it takes a huge amount of energy to do normal tasks...I want you to know that I'm not ignoring you and I will reply and I'm so grateful for your support, it really does make a huge difference.

This morning I've had counselling. I didn't really want to go, as I knew that it was going to be a challenging session. I was right...!I have got a lot of things to work through, but step by step I hope I'll get seems like an impossible unachievable task at the moment. I just want to skip through it all and TADAAAAAA! A fighting fit Susie emerges from behind the curtain, all sparkly and new....

I've had a headache all afternoon and I'm such a sleepy Susie...I wish I was curled up in my bed all warm and toasty. I'm so tired of my brain, thoughts whirring round and round, like a tornado, out of control and no way of knowing which path it will take next.

A good friend emailed me this recently.....I hope they don't mind me putting it in here...?:-)

"Be who you are and say what you feel as those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind"
After I've written my blog I often think, oh no! Why did I write that?! This makes no sense! People are going to think I'm such a fruitloop! (Actually I think most of my friends have known that for a long time...!) But then I realised that writing this is a coping mechanism for myself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If no-one read this, it wouldn't matter. But if writing this helps other people to understand depression and anxiety, and raises awareness of the illness, then thats just a bloody brilliant bonus.

Ok must stop typing now Susie can't concentrate anymore.....I think I may go and find some Diet Coke....
Until tomorrow

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The cave

Curses, I just wrote my whole blog out and then managed to delete it, arrrrrrggggh!!!It actually wasn't very long...........I'm tired and shaky and my mind feels so dark.

I raided my Dads CD collection this afternoon and found the Mumford and Sons album. Music is so important to my day. I often lie on my bedroom or lounge floor with my Ipod on shuffle. Most of the time its a case of one.....too many memories....this is far too chirpy for Susie.....But some real gems pop up too. Especially as I have the most weird and wonderful taste in music...(Bananarama anyone...?!) My Mama finds it slightly strange when she finds me lying on the floor, but you get a different perspective, and I like that. It also stops me from going on my bed and falling back into the dreamland that I'm so fond of...the floor just isn't as comfortable....

...But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as its called again...

So come out of your cave walking on
your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependance when
you know the maker's land......                  The Cave, Mumford and Sons

I have highlighted the lyrics that I can really connect to today. I am desperately clinging on to hope...

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Is it tuesday today? I have no idea....!

A tremendous amount of effort required to get my arse out of bed today. The sun was shining in through my window, but it didn't make any difference. I was superglued to my mattress...My mind full of darkness and my body felt numb.

Eventually I crawled out of my pit (thats what Mama likes to call my bedroom!) I threw on some clothes and grabbed my ipod and decided some fresh air would be an excellent plan. The first song that came on was Sigur Rós - Hoppípolla.....and it really lifted me. If you havent heard it, youtube it will blow your mind. The sun was warm on my face, the wind was blowing against me, and it felt good.

Most days I tend to wear the same kind of clothes. Sweat pants, slippers, cosy jumper....pyjamas, dressing gown...duvet.... I read in a book about depression that you should try and do anything that makes you feel slightly better. Paint your nails, wash your hair, put some make up on! It really feels like a big part of me has been stripped away, as usually I'm little miss fashionista. I love being creative with my clothes,  hair and make-up....but I have lost that recently. However some days I really do try and put a different top on, or straighten my hair, put some lippie on, and it does make a difference. I know that no-one is going to see me, but thats ok, because I'm doing it for myself, and not to please anybody.

Some days however I go from one extreme to another and I end up feeling worse! Last week I decided to wash my hair, shave my legs,blow dry my hair, straighten my hair, wear something different, pluck my eyebrows, put makeup on and do interesting eye shadow.....What a mammoth task! 2  hours later I stood in front of the mirror, I didn't feel any better, I felt x10 worse. I got a face wipe, and took it all off. I had done too much. I hadn't listened to the voice in my head saying, 'stop Susie!' I can laugh at it now but it didn't feel very funny at the time.....

So today I have just done the one bit of beautifying....But what is left I hear you cry? This girl must be shaved, plucked, polished and moisturised! Well yes, I am all these things, but I'm also a very deathly white....Therefore the trusty fake tan jumped out of the cupboard and now I am golden brown....although I do smell a little bit like biscuits.......!

Until tomorrow.....

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 7 February 2011

Percy Piglets and cocktail sausages

Big massive jumbo sized XXXL thanks to all the wonderful people who have been sending me messages. It makes such a difference! Also huge giant apologies for not replying to everyone yet....I will soon I promise...:-)

Today was an early start, a trip to the doctors. I get pretty anxious going, so take my knitting with me and write everything down. (My memory has turned to mush recently.)

Then home and nap time for Susie. Well I put a film on, pretend I'm watching it, but really I'm napping. Last night I was watching Alan Partridge in a bid to make myself chuckle. If you havent ever seen it, you are missing out! Comedy genius.  And today I put on the all time classic The Neverending Story..... You may realise theres a bit of a retro theme going on here...what with the Racoons yesterday. The Neverending story also has a great ballad of a theme tune......I had to fast forward the bit when Artax dies though, ooh boy, too sad for Susie to handle.

 (Apologies 1. if you havent seen the film and don't know what I'm on about or 2. you think you might watch it and now I've just told you what happens!)

My Mama is trying to tempt me with food at the moment so she bought me some percy piglets and cocktail sausages. I thought about trying them together, but I'm not sure they would blend very well flavour wise. A very kind friend sent me some dairy free chocolate today in the post. I'm one of those really odd allergy people, no dairy or beef for Susie, otherwise I explode! Its very inconvenient I must say...

Brain feels a little empty and fuzzy now so going to stop typing. Head is hurting and hands are shaking.
Big love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 6 February 2011

A big black dog day...and The Racoons

Just been speaking to my lovely cousin and she did make me smile :-) I texted her this morning as I was lying on my bedroom floor listening to........(big breath brave) The Racoon soundtrack! We always used to watch the Racoons together, sitting in our dressing gowns, eating shreddies and playing with our matching Gordon the Gopher's (what ever happened to him?!) good times....

 For those of you who don't remember (or are pretending not to remember?!) The Racoons was a completly brilliant cartoon in the early 90's. It covered all kinds of adventure, love, action, it was hard hitting drama....! Bert was my favourite, but i could never work out what animal Cyril Sneer was, I think anteater maybe, but why is he pink? Hmmmm... Anyway you were always on the edge of your seat when the Racoons were involved.....And it had the best soundtrack EVER!

"When darkness falls, leaving shadows in the night, dont be afraid wipe that tear from your eyes....."

Thats just one of the many classic lines, and combined with a pounding 80's beat, I really don't think you could ask for more....

So that phone call has made a big difference to my day because I have been treading water in an infinite ocean of darkness for the past 24 hours. Black Dog has been everywhere.

A few words to describe how I've been feeling...

Mind blurry
Knotted up stomach
Hands shaky
Heart palpatations
Unable to access emotions...feelings of love,being loved, trapped at the back of my head, buried beneath a mountain of rubbish
A failure

I think I might go and try and buy buyself a Racoons dvd off the internet....

Saturday, 5 February 2011

A little bit muddled

Saturday....not always the best day for Susie.

Knowing that people are out and about enjoying their lives and I'm unable to do anything like that....arrrrgh I hate this illness!! Patience is a virtue.....or so I've heard...

I'm having trouble settling into writing this today, my brain is a little bit all over the place. Just been talking to one of my best buddies on Skype. I'm not great on the phone, but Skype has been a great invention for me! It means that I can talk to friends and feel relaxed at the same time. I don't quite understand why but the telephone just makes my anxiety worse.

I think thats one of the things that I've come to realise about this illness. You have to listen to your inner voice. I have a tendancy to over stretch myself, and to try and do to much, which often ends up with me feeling more frustrated or having a panic attack. I have got to learn to listen to that little voice that says, 'Take it steady Susie...small steps...small steps.'

This afternoon my Mama and I had a  pampering session. We listened to ABBA and painted our nails....then Mama suggested cracking open some champagne, she didn't have to ask me twice! It felt good to be looking after each other, and to just to forget about everything else outside of the room. My hands tend to get very shaky with my illness though, and I'm not sure if her nails weren't a bit smudged! Whooops....

I have been quite accident prone of the last few months. I have managed to spill diet coke over a dining chair, break the cookie jar, smash a glass coaster and melt a plastic bag onto the boiler. I am never usually like this! My Mama has just had the living room carpet professionally cleaned, so you can imagine how I feel about it. I have banned myself from eating or drinking in the lounge!

I think thats it for today....I feel like this entry is a bit of a jumbled up mess of my thoughts...

Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 4 February 2011

Bed...and Ryan Reynolds...but not together!

Yawn, sleepy sleepy Susie.

When people say that they have had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don't always think they understand fully what that means!

Since being unwell my bed is my best friend.....and my worst enemy. It is always there for me. Its warm and cosy, and once I get under the covers I can pretend that everything has magically disappeared. Its like a little cocoon, personalised just for me. And it knows that I love it. Oh yes, it has tricks up its sleeve to make me stay in there as long as possible. It draws me in like a magnet, when I'm up and in the shower I can feel it calling to me....."Susie Susie, come back, I miss you!" And I think, hmmm I miss you too bed, lets just have a little two minute lie down and try and turn my crazy brain off. Before you know it, I'm fast asleep and my bed is happy. Because you see when I'm asleep I don't have to think anymore! Yes! It is a great feeling.

Not that I can always get to sleep, and I do often have nightmares, but when I'm in bed it likes me to believe that its the best and safest place in the world. And I should stay there forever.

People who suffer from depression often get dealt the 'snap out of it' 'do something to take your mind off it' card. But its not that simple. I never thought I would say this but I miss doing normal things, tasks that we all take for granted.  Catching a bus, going to work, walking through town, being in the pub with friends, meeting new people, having conversations, going out for dinner.....but I cant do any of these things, my anxiety and depression takes over and I am immobilised.

However, I have taken up a new skill! Oh yes I am offically a Granny now! (But without the wrinkles and the false teeth...) Yes I have started knitting. Ha, I'm not very good but I'm often tired but restless so it keeps my fingers busy. I'm currently making a patchwork blanket (it sounds impressive, its not!) I'm welcome to any requests...well maybe not all requests...jumpers are defo too hard, and gloves...! But I can do scarves, and ummm hats and blankets! Just anything squareish really....

This afternoon my Mum and Dad went out for lunch so my pal popped round for some girly time. We watched 'The Proposal' thing that will always make me smile, Ryan Reynolds naked.....

Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Would you rather have 3 eyes or 3 hands...?

Well, since I first sat here yesterday typing away I can honestly say I have been overwhelmed by all the positive responses! Thank you all so much, I really was blown away by your kindness, it was really touching. It has also made me realise again just how much this nasty illness effects people.

This morning I've had counselling, which was good but so exhausting. I know sitting down in a room talking for an hour doesn't sound very tiring, but believe me, my brain is seriously hurting. I'm really lucky in that I have a great counsellor who understands where I'm coming from. She gave me a lot to think about today. Its like I'm standing at the bottom of Mount Everest, ahead of me is a task that I just can't imagine reaching. I feel like instead of being equipped with snow boots, ice picks, ropes and all that jazz, I'm standing there in my flip flops and bikini!

I didn't want to eat much at lunch time, it was a real struggle.

The last bit of todays sunshine seems to be on its way out now. I managed to get out for a short walk earlier. I live right slap bang in the middle of the countryside, there are so many fields and lanes to explore. I feel that walking in the countryside relaxes my mind somehow, and soothes my inner self. Especially when the wind is blowing and the sun is shining, I like feeling that theres a stronger force than my emotions that can have an effect me.

I hope this doesnt sound too cheesy....hmmm!

'Being depressed isn't so much about feeling a bit down, sad, or blue. At its worst, its about being devoid of feeling altogether'  Black Dog, Matthew Johnstone

I have found that quote so helpful. I am usually quite  a weepy person, blimey I seem to cry at anything! Lion King....Duck tales...Home Alone! But since I have been ill, I haven't shed one tear. Its as if I have gone past the point of crying, to a place where that emotion doesn't exist somehow.

A conversation that made me laugh last night.....

Susie :What would you rather have, 3 eyes or 3 hands?
Dad: 3 eyes
Susie: Really?! But that would look so weird! I would have 3 hands.
Dad: And that wouldn't look weird?!

Haha! It felt so good to laugh! I cant remember the last time I laughed so hard, I nearly fell off my chair!
And on that hilarious note (although maybe you had to be there....?!)
Until tomorrow .....xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

The beginning.....

This is not a self indulgent neurotic is an explanation, a description, a diary of a depression.

For those who don't know me, my name is Susie. I'm 24, and I have been suffering from depression probably for around 9 months. It creeps up on you so slowly, and then pounces!! I have been on medication for about 4 months now, and I have started going to counselling. I live in the south-west of England, but I'm from the Midlands. I have a minature schnauzer called Bella whom I love! She is the most gorgeous bundle of cuteness (that is if you like dogs...!) I'm 100% addicted to diet coke and I've just rediscovered my addiction to oreos...mmmmm yummy!

That discovery happened yesterday actually, it was the first bit of food I had enjoyed for months, very exciting. I've lost over a stone in weight since Decemeber which is horrible! I feel all boney and gross (I'm sorry if you're on a diet that must be irritating!) I usually love food, but eating is such a massive task, just looking at a plate of food makes me feel overwhelmed.

Anyway....Did you know that 1 in 4 people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives? That means that even if you don't suffer, someone you know will suffer!To make depression and anxiety (because these two often come up and bite you on the arse as a pair!)a less taboo subject, we need to get people talking about it, and understanding it.

It is an illness! Just like having a broken leg, but actually I would prefer to have a broken leg because at least I would know that my bones would eventually mend and I would be able to walk again. It sounds silly but true! Because depression and anxiety make everything very confusing, and at the moment I feel like I will never be well again.

I want to be rid of this illness that controls me like a black shadow, and I think that maybe in some small way blogging this will help. Some days I may not blog much, some days a lot, but it feels satisfying addressing the issues and lettting the world know whats going on!

A friend recently sent me a book called 'Black Dog' by Matthew Johnstone. It has been so helpful to me and to show my friends and family, and for me to realise that I'm not the only person to have felt like this! I would highly reccomend it.

Thats it for today...I'm just about to post a link for this on facebook and I'm feeling quite scared!
Come on Susie, be brave!
(Wow I must be an expert blogger now I'm talking about myself in the 3rd person!)