One of the strangest feelings is not really knowing who you are anymore. When you are controlled by an illness that doesn't just take over your mind, but your body too.
Because for so long you've been acting. You've been pretending that you're fine, that you're dealing with things, that if you keep busy then everything will be ok.
And when you stop acting, its the biggest weight off your shoulders. But you can't quite remember when things started going wrong, when you started pretending. You're left with an empty shell. A person that you remember meeting once, a long time ago, but you can't really recall anything significant about them anymore. Like someone you meet in a dream, who's face you can't quite place, a hazy memory.
Two months ago I couldn't of written this blog. And now I am. I've remembered that I love writing. This afternoon I painted, I love painting. Being creative is a part of me, and I had forgotten that. Both of these things are such amazing healing tools for me, they allow me to channel my energy into something else. They give me a break from my crazy mashed up little brain of depression and anxiety, and that is so important.
So here are a few little things about Susie, that I don't want to forget, and I don't want to change. Because I'm pretty sure.... not 100%..... but I think its ok to be me.....
I'm glad that my eyes are green.
I have the most amazing dreams..... (and the scariest nightmares!!)
My favourite colours are red, purple, and pink.
I love to dance.
I love to paint...not little pictures, but big pictures, where the colours are the most important thing.
I like lying on my bedroom floor listening to all kinds of music....old...new...chilled...mental...cheesy...
I like listening to other peoples conversations and writing down the weird and wonderful things they say.
I love being in art galleries which are quiet...having the time and space to become entranced by a painting, and staring at it for as long as I want to
I love being outside, in space, in fresh air.
I like watching old films that remind me of when I was little.
I love animals, especially dogs and horses.
I would say, you can never have too many pairs of shoes.
I only like even numbers.
I like the smell of rain on dry ground.
I'm glad that my feet are small, but I wish they weren't so wide...!
I'm thinking now that looks like a little self-indulgent weird list of things, and also it looks a bit boring! Ha it would be so much easier to write a list of things that I don't like about myself......But thats not helpful!!
Must keep positive.........Kind of want to delete all the above now and start again....!
Oh bugger it......