Is it tuesday today? I have no idea....!

A tremendous amount of effort required to get my arse out of bed today. The sun was shining in through my window, but it didn't make any difference. I was superglued to my mattress...My mind full of darkness and my body felt numb.

Eventually I crawled out of my pit (thats what Mama likes to call my bedroom!) I threw on some clothes and grabbed my ipod and decided some fresh air would be an excellent plan. The first song that came on was Sigur Rós - Hoppípolla.....and it really lifted me. If you havent heard it, youtube it now....it will blow your mind. The sun was warm on my face, the wind was blowing against me, and it felt good.

Most days I tend to wear the same kind of clothes. Sweat pants, slippers, cosy jumper....pyjamas, dressing gown...duvet.... I read in a book about depression that you should try and do anything that makes you feel slightly better. Paint your nails, wash your hair, put some make up on! It really feels like a big part of me has been stripped away, as usually I'm little miss fashionista. I love being creative with my clothes,  hair and make-up....but I have lost that recently. However some days I really do try and put a different top on, or straighten my hair, put some lippie on, and it does make a difference. I know that no-one is going to see me, but thats ok, because I'm doing it for myself, and not to please anybody.

Some days however I go from one extreme to another and I end up feeling worse! Last week I decided to wash my hair, shave my legs,blow dry my hair, straighten my hair, wear something different, pluck my eyebrows, put makeup on and do interesting eye shadow.....What a mammoth task! 2  hours later I stood in front of the mirror, I didn't feel any better, I felt x10 worse. I got a face wipe, and took it all off. I had done too much. I hadn't listened to the voice in my head saying, 'stop Susie!' I can laugh at it now but it didn't feel very funny at the time.....

So today I have just done the one bit of beautifying....But what is left I hear you cry? This girl must be shaved, plucked, polished and moisturised! Well yes, I am all these things, but I'm also a very deathly white....Therefore the trusty fake tan jumped out of the cupboard and now I am golden brown....although I do smell a little bit like biscuits.......!

Until tomorrow.....

Big love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx