Tuesday, 31 January 2012


Been putting off writing today's entry for the last 2 hours. In that time I've managed to watch the latest episode of TOWIE (ultimate guilty pleasure), have a fag, stalk a few people on facebook and tempt myself with some clothing bargains on Asos....

Not entirely sure why I've been putting it off so much. I guess its just been a bit of a nothingy kind of day. Not interesting. Non eventful.... Which isn't even true actually because I did meet up with my mental health social worker....And I have got loads of things to do...

Perhaps I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. And mildly disheartened. At my meeting today I revealed to her a goal I want to achieve within the next year. She encouraged me, saying it was great, but practically speaking it might not be possible. Which makes me feel a bit back to square one. I never think about the future, it freaks me out entirely, but this one goal actually got me a little bit excited...something to aim for...and now I feel like its never going to happen. Nothings going to change and I'm going to be stuck here forever. ARGH.

(By the way...I'm not going to tell you what the goal is, because I now feel entirely moody and secretive about it all....bugger...)


Monday, 30 January 2012

out of nowhere

Totally spaced out. Seem to be permanently exhausted in the evenings at the moment. But I think that's because it takes me so much more energy just to do 'normal' things. And I'm still really trying to push myself...got to keep going... (I feel like a song would be appropriate here, but I can't really think of one...! Insert Susie sad face instead...)

Almost had a panic attack this morning (not the best start to my week....) It was a little bit strange as it seemed to come out of nowhere. I was in my life drawing class, and I already felt light headed, then my breathing started going all peculiar (maybe it was the shock of seeing a rather old naked man in front of me...) My heart of course followed the trend of my breathing, and felt like it was going to burst through my skin. Luckily though, I recognised the signs. I listened to my body, got my arse out of the classroom sharpish and spent some serious time trying to control my breathing. 20 minutes later all was well. Still bloody horrible though.


Sunday, 29 January 2012


Such a sleepy girl. Again. Yawnsville.

Had an accidental catnap on the sofa this afternoon. Felt a bit naughty really....shouldn't be sleeping in the day. But at least I didn't actually go back to bed. And I did redeem myself by going for a walk afterwards.

Think the diet coke is running through my veins again.

Having a very U.G.L.Y day today. Yuk. I would quite like a face transplant please. How do some people look gorgeous all the time? Its just cruel. I went for a walk yesterday afternoon in my wellies, no makeup and I cant even remember what I was wearing but probably a hoody, and I bumped into this beautifully made up lady. She was so glamorous, wearing a gorgeous fur coat and matching hat, perfect hair and makeup AND she had a baby with her. How did she do that?? Its not fair!! I had crazy hair and the beginnings of a pimple. Curses. Double curses.

Maybe I should stop my moaning....I just want to look in the mirror without having the urge to scratch and tear my skin off. I know other people say that I'm not horrible looking, but they say that to make me feel better, or if they're guys because they're after something. Oh dear thats very synical. But I'm pretty sure its true.

Oh fuckity this is not making me feel any better.

Going for a fag....


Friday, 27 January 2012

oh i just cant help the randomness

Yay for eating my first proper meal of the week. Hurrah, hurrah!

Was a little bit of an effort but Mama pig knows that chinese lemon chicken will tempt even my tensed up tummy.

Lovely walk along the waterfront in Bristol again today. Fresh air and exercise is so good for my brain. I just feel like every time I breathe I'm drinking in all the goodness, and its making the horrible depression a little bit less powerful.

However, I did trap my finger in the toilet door  and it still really hurts. Just a small mini drama, although Mama pig is still insisting that I was howling like a baby (she should be thankful I wasn't cursing, which is what I wanted to do...) The finger in question is a tiny bit purple now. Hmm. Doesn't actually look that bad. I hope the nail doesn't fall off though. That happened to my best friend Laura once. We were out clubbing and some mean person trod on her toe. When we got home it was black and then the nail fell off in the morning (its grown back now though, you'll be glad to hear...) It was really quite gross. And I think pretty painful. (Sorry Laura, really don't know how I ended up writing about your toe nail...)

Ooo the random twitterings of my brain.

I think I need space. To be in a place where others are not. Like...my bed....!


Thursday, 26 January 2012


Petite blog tonight.

Soooooo tired.

This week has been a bit of a marathon.

Went to my new class today, felt really good to have my little brain cells stimulated. I do worry that they're slowly but surely falling out of my brain. But today they definitely resurfaced and it felt good.

Trouble is because I've done quite a lot of new things this week, I'm not really eating again. My stomach is all twisted up and I just can't face proper food. Hope my appetite will come back, I don't want to turn into skeleton Susie again.


Wednesday, 25 January 2012

oh its all a bit random

I may have just committed a cardinal sin...Unsure whether to admit this so freely...but I just googled myself...Oh dear. I feel like this isn't really normal behaviour. Whoops Must remember that I am not a celebrity. But it was mildly exciting because a link to my blog and my twitter account came up! Wahoo. And for some weird reason it reminded me that I do exist. Ha. Oh the strange workings of my mind.

Also somehow  managed to get a link onto some kind of WW1 memorial site, about a chap called Henry Piggott who was killed in 1916. On the 19th April, which is the day after my birthday. Oooo that's a little bit freaky. And completely random and unrelated to anything else in this entry, but I felt like mentioning it anyway!

Its been a bit of a rubbishy day, but a sneaky sunbed followed by a diet coke did perk things up slightly. I sometimes feel like know one really realises just how much of a monumental effort each day is. Even though I'm making progress and keeping as busy as possible, the constant fight against the depression is so tiring. Its always waiting to pounce, I just have to keep doing my awesome karate moves to kick the black dog away. But its hard. And I wonder sometimes whether I will always have to fight against the darkness.

In the middle of another painting and just waiting for the first layer to dry. Its going to be a swirly, twirly, mixed up mash up of colour. Quite excited about it actually, so must go and get back to it...


Tuesday, 24 January 2012

little miss grumpy

Susie is a grumpy chops this evening.

My head hurts, my back aches, I'm all snuffly, I have a weird pain in my leg, and I haven't slept properly for the past two nights. Oh and I have an unquenchable thirst, a tickle in my throat and I can't decide what to make for dinner.

Listening to the Smiths probably isn't helping my mood. Great band, but not they don't really radiate happy sunshine-like vibes.

Also weirdly disorientated with the days of the week. I keep thinking its Wednesday, and Wednesday means I'm half way through the week. I've made it through. But my diary says its Tuesday, and now I feel like I have tomorrow stretching ahead of me...full of never ending grumpiness probably.

Feel a bit bad for moaning now, but its better to let it out...

Oh and here's something else that's put me in a mood...I've just found out that its a leap year. As if February isn't a crap enough month anyway, some silly person decided that we have to endure an extra day. Ridiculous. My Mum tried to make me feel better by saying I was apparently allowed to propose to someone on the 29th Feb...For some strange reason that didn't really make me feel any better. Nice try though Mum.

Oh well I suppose I had better drag my grumpy arse into the kitchen.

Coco pops for tea could be the best idea I've had all day.


Monday, 23 January 2012


REALLY REALLY trying to work hard on this structure/routine plan at the moment. And its going quite well, but its tricky, especially when my bed is so tempting...as is looking out of the window...Oh I could win the gold medal for staring at the sky.

Just a short blog tonight I feel as the words aren't quite flowing...and there's nothing more frustrating than wanting to write something and having a creative blackout. Its like looking at the telly when I've lost my glasses, everything is completely blurry, confusing and infuriating.

So instead of whacking my head against the computer screen, I will go and do something much more productive....watch Corrie of course...(and luckily I haven't lost my glasses...!)


Sunday, 22 January 2012

big bit of HOPE

Back in the nest and feeling sleepy.

Had such a lovely weekend with the gorgeous Marianne. So relaxing, and nice to explore a new town too. Felt like a little adventure.

 Her spare bed was also amazing, I was quite tempted to steal it, as the mattress actually felt like it was giving me a hug. A new experience for me. Takes my love affair with beds to a whole new level.

Woke up this morning to find a text with the most exciting news, my best friend Laura got engaged last night! Its amazing how someone elses good news can have such an effect on you. I have been grinning non stop all day and I cant stop singing, "I'm getting married in the morning, ding dong the bells are going to chime!" Ha ha. Even though its not me, the song just seems very appropriate for Laura and Joe!

Having things to look forward to help me massively with my day to day progress. Whether its a lunch date in Bristol, a weekend away with friends, or catching up with family, all these things give me a reason to keep fighting. They give me something to focus on. Knowing that I have something pleasurable in the pipeline makes the painful and dark days much more bearable.

So to now know I have an amazing wedding to look forward to, just gives me an extra injection of hope. And also Laura, if you're reading this, its not just the actual day I'm excited about, its of course all the organising too!

It also gives me hope that true love does exist. Laura and Joe couldn't be more suited to one another. They're sometimes so similar its scary, and other times I think thank goodness they're different as they compliment one another so well! They've had their ups and downs like every couple, but ultimately, they're best friends. And when I see them together having a sneaky kiss, gazing into each others eyes (when they think no-one else is looking) I know that they've got an unbreakable bond.

I'm now welling up for the second time today...what a soppy romantic I am....And just to be even more of a loved up friend...this song is for you...Laura and Joe, thank you for making my day xxx

Friday, 20 January 2012

mini break

Just finished stuffing my face full of thai green curry, and now I think I might explode. Thank goodness for treggings and all other forms of expandable trousers. Women's food babies all over the country are eternally grateful for this fashion phenomenon.

I've currently escaped from village life, and have journeyed south to spend the weekend with one of my oldest friends. One smart alec (who shall remain nameless) thought it was hilarious by suggesting that she must be at least 80 if she's one of my oldest friends. Oh dear. A dad inspired jest I feel. Must do better.

Big yawn. This little lady is going to be falling asleep very soon. Had counselling this afternoon and it always makes me ridiculously tired. MASSIVE yawn.



Thursday, 19 January 2012

positive tension

I've been sat in my room for the past hour, listening to the Stone Roses and staring out of the window. Its amazing how much time I can waste sometimes. But I wasn't really wasting time, I was letting my creative juices flow...

I'd been doing a bit of sketching, then had the urge to paint...but my brain felt blocked up and uninspired. Which is one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. Its like you know you've got an idea in the back of your brain somewhere, but its trapped behind a whole pile of crap and you cant get to it. Hence the staring out of the window and listening to Ian Brown (godlike genius), it somehow helped my brain refocus and get a bit of direction.

So now I'm in the middle of a painting (the idea was hiding behind a huge box of rules that were trying to rule my brain), but its going to be made up of loads of layers, which take ages to try....And instead of staring at the canvas shouting, "dry you bastard!" I thought I'd come down to the computer and tap tap tap away on the keyboard. A positive step...

All this stuff makes me think of one of my favourite songs.....


Wednesday, 18 January 2012

millie and I

Today I am an official dog sitter. Its really quite exciting. (Not to be confused with the black dog, this is a real live pooch called Millie!)

She is quite an old girl so actually I haven't had to do much, and I do feel a little bit lazy.  My eyes are going slightly square because I've been spending most of my time sat in front of my friends giant snazzy TV.

I have taken Millie out for a couple of walks too, although she got about 20 metres around the corner from her house, plonked her bum on the floor and refused to go any further. Oh well, at least I tried. And she seems very content snuggling up to me on the sofa now.

Its lovely being with a pooch again, its almost 5 months since I lost my little dog Bella, and I still miss her terribly. Millie even snores in a similar way to Bella, which is strangely comforting.

Starting to get a bit more organised with my routine now too. As well as the life drawing class that I've already started I've also enrolled on a literature class. I'm going to be studying Titus Andronicus (a nice happy tale...ha!) and its through the Workers Educator Association. I think that's what its called anyway. They do loads of different courses, and if you're off work and on benefits like me, then they're free! What a bonus. Apparently I will be the youngest member of the class by quite a long way, but you never know, I may strike up some friendships with the OAP's. Perhaps get some knitting tips, or I might even get offered the odd werthers original or two...


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

irritating tuesday

Just received an email from my old university inviting me to join in the alumni sporting challenge weekend...Oh Loughborough, you really don't know me at all...

Loughborough alumni also like to send me a magazine every now and again. Just in case I don't feel bad enough about myself already, I can just flick through the pages and see what amazing things everyone else is achieving. Into the bin it goes...

And that email pretty much sums up my day... Irritating and annoying...And I've been so restless and weirdly energetic all day.

But I've taken control, decided to get out, and invited myself round to Cats house..! Girly company and giggles? Yes please.


Monday, 16 January 2012

if you say that, I'll do this

Today is officially the most depressing day of the year...According to statistics anyway...The day when most people give up on their new years resolution's and realise they spent far too much money at Christmas. That's what 'they' say anyway...

I have a lot of annoying/weird habits...and one of them is being slightly rebellious...(actually I don't mind being like this, but I think it pisses other people off...) If someone tells me to do something, I pretty much want to do the opposite. (I'd be a really terrible soldier...running off on crazy little adventures refusing to polish my very muddy boots...)

I don't like being put in a box or being requested to behave in a certain way. No, no, no. Its like trying to wear a jumper that's 2 sizes to big, looks awful, feels uncomfortable, and makes you want to stand in a corner not talking to anyone.

Well, that's just me anyway.

Grr I'm getting really frustrated now because I'm getting all my words muddled up and I have lost my train of thought.

I think what I'm trying to say is I want to prove to these statistic people wrong....I want to show them that today hasn't been too awful...and I hope other people have been able to see some light in the darkness today too....

My Monday has been full of my art class, which I just love. We were working in colour too which gets me so excited! (I nearly fell off my stool a couple of times...) And yes I am knackered now and I will probably spend the rest of the night spaced out in front of the TV, but that's OK, my brain needs a rest.

On a similar note someone very very lovely recommended this song to me, and I cant stop listening to it...

These lyrics just keep on hitting me in the face, kapow! They remind me of all the nasty demons and darkness that I'm slowly and surely untangling myself from...and that one day, if I keep fighting, I will be free.

"Free" by Pete Murray
As far as you know, you will make the distance
Even if everything is falling down,
But don't lose that vision
And don't lose your courage
Until you are standing right here with me now

I want you, to stand up and fight every moment with me
For the truth, it's your love
Your destiny that I see
In my shoes, so tell me when do you wanna be free?
Only you can tell me

When do you wanna be free?
When do you wanna be free?
When do you wanna be free?
When do you wanna be free?


(apologies for my awful writing tonight, I've been sat here for an hour, pressing delete and retyping stuff...I'm not sure if it makes any sense even to me....!Ah typical..!)

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I must remember!

Oh dear.

I must remember not to drink too much...(repeat x100 until permanently stuck in brain..)

I must remember that I'm on an incredibly high dose of medication....(same instructions apply..)

My tummy really doesn't like to mix alcohol and anti depressants.

Or coco pops and crumpets.... Which I realised when seeing them in reverse this afternoon....

I was having so much fun last night, getting far too excited for my own good...I kind of forgot to wear my sensible hat....

But maybe that's good? Because I wasn't feeling like shit, I was actually OK and I was enjoying myself. I kicked the crap out of that black dog and he didn't come anywhere near me last night. Hurrah for that!

Although  I do feel extraordinarily awful today...I just need to remember to stop drinking at midnight. And then my stomach won't turn into a pumpkin.


Friday, 13 January 2012

a waste of a day?

Just spent the past two hours unravelling a ball of red wool. Then trying to wind it up again and getting in a complete pickle. Wool everywhere. Knots are my enemy, and scissors are my only friend in these times of frustration.

Some may say I have too much time on my hands, and I would have to agree with them!

Which is why I'm going to start to try and structure my routine somehow. Its going to be a tricky challenge, but the psychiatrist thinks it will help me.

And I do have 2 fixed points in my diary already, yoga on saturday and life drawing on monday. I just need to fill the other five days of my week....

Someone suggested setting my alarm every day to stop me sleeping in....but I honestly couldnt bare it...I find the day long enough and hard enough to get through as it is...I dont want to make it any longer thanks very much...

ARGH. I'm getting overwhelmed now thinking about all the things I cant do. Must stop my brain spiralling into the darkness...Perhaps time for a snack? And a glass of diet coke of course...


Thursday, 12 January 2012

a little slice of hope

Hold the front page, Susie has some good news.....

An appointment with the big cheese consultant psychiatrist today...felt very nervous...BUT... I was listened to, understood, sympathised with, and taken seriously. HURRAH!

He also gave me some practical advice as to what steps I should try and be taking in the next few months. And he encouraged me in the progress I have already made.

What a relief.

Enjoyed a glass of wine with my tea in celebration....(honestly, the Piggott household really knows how to party hard....hehehe...)

However, despite my moment of euphoria, it still seems a little bit scary that I've had to really fight for this appointment. I keep thinking whats happening to the other patients in my area? How are they coping? I feel lucky that I'm now in a place where I want to get better, and have the strength to battle for the treatment I deserve, others won't be so lucky.  The lack of continuity of my care has been ridiculous, I dread to think how others are suffering too. Whenever I ask about support groups, or other similar stuff, the answer is always, "No, not any more, due to budget cuts..." Yet if 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health issues, how can these budget cuts be justified???


Wednesday, 11 January 2012


Could I feel any worse right now?

A thought provoking question, and I guess I haven't been punched in the face or hit with a giant stick, or even had my hair pulled out...but right now, I would take any of those physical pains over how this fucked up shit of depression is making me feel today. (Apologies for bad language, I've just got to release the beast...)

I want to scream.

I want to shout.

 I want to smash up my room until there is nothing left.

I want to get wasted just so I can feel something else.

I want to bite my wrists and see the marks on my skin. Anything to distract me from the hell in my brain.

The NHS mental health team has completely let me down on so many levels, and tomorrow I've got an appointment with my 5th psychiatrist. The last doctor I saw sent me a report in the post that was full of inaccuracies and lies. A mental health department that actually makes their patient feel more anxious and more depressed? For FUCKS SAKE. They make me feel unimportant, paranoid, a burden, someone who is making a fuss over nothing, a waste of space, someone who should just disappear.

But hang on a minute, I've been off work now for over a year and just 4 months ago I tried to take my own life...So I'm pretty sure I deserve some help. I'm having to do so much on my own and its exhausting, and I'm not strong enough. I need guidance and support from professionals.

I want to get better, I need to get better. So help me you pen pushing bastards!

The system seems so caught up in budget cuts and form filling instead of giving patients the practical help they need.

ARGH I'm so enraged and wound up.

This day was always going to be completely shit as I woke up so suddenly this morning in the midst of horrendous nightmares. They haven't left me all day, refusing to budge, my nightmares love to haunt me. My counsellor has tried to teach me to pinpoint the emotions that I feel in my nightmares. And this is what I wrote down earlier...



Tuesday, 10 January 2012

the sea is calling me

As I sit here frowning at the computer, my wrinkles are slowly embedding themselves deeper into my skin. Yikes! I need to turn my frown upside down.

And the reason for my grumpychops face? I want to go on holiday! I have a desperate need to get away and be near the sea, but I have several problems...

1. Lack of funds...(always a problem in life..)

2. I have lots of wonderful pals who live all over the world and I would LOVE to visit them, but I know that all the packing, airports, and flying would FREAK me out and send me into anxiety overdrive. I'm not quite ready for that, especially as I recently found out you cant take knitting needles on a plane. Knitting is my saviour in times of anxiety so that would be a problem. Although maybe I could just take a sedative? Hmm worth considering for the future.

3. I have no one to go on holiday with......(oh what a miserable old spinster I am turning into!) And I would go on my own, but again, at the moment, I just dont think it would be a wise idea, and basically, I wouldn't be safe.

4. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to go on holiday?! Because I'm on income support, would a scary man come and chase me if he knew I'd been away? (I have nightmares about this man quite a lot, he has a mean face, a bowler hat and a giant umbrella that he likes to hit me with...)

So if you have any wise ideas how I can overcome any of these hurdles please drop me a line because my brain is hurting.


Monday, 9 January 2012

i must remember

Right Susie. Write Susie.

Stop faffing.

Right now. Write now!

OK OK bossy bit of my brain I will crack on with my witterings and stop looking at photos on facebook...(especially as I just realised I don't know anyone in them...defo time to step away!)

Actually I really should write something because I took a giant leap today in terms of progress and I do not want to forget it. No I do not!

I've been meaning to sign up for an art class for ages now, and the black dog had persuaded me it was an awful idea. He told me everyone would be amazing, I would be shit, and generally I should just stay in bed. And back in November when I was looking through the prospectus, I listened to the black dog. I didn't need much persuading that it would be a bad idea, a scary idea, and I would end up feeling worse. But...(yes theres a but, and its a good one!) last week I changed my mind. I kicked that black dog out of my bed and got myself enrolled on a creative life drawing class.

And today, I went.

I got out of bed at 8am (literally cannot remember the last time I was up this early), packed up my little rucksack and off I toddled into Bristol.

The class was super ace fantastic and it felt good to be doing something productive and creative with other people. I even managed to tell my tutor that I suffered from anxiety, so needed to have my easel near the door, in case I needed to run out for 5 mins. Which I did, and it felt so much better knowing that I had told someone else (not just anyone, but a stranger too...!) and they were totally lovely about it.

There was one bit of the class that I got a bit stressed out in, but only because I could see what amazing stuff everyone else was producing and that just paralysed me. But, no big deal, that was just 20 minutes out of 2 hours, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I think I might give myself a tiny pat on the back...


P.S the place where I'm going to my weekly class is www.bristolfolkhouse.co.uk

Sunday, 8 January 2012

little miss confused

the feeling of being happy
It was only later in life that she found happiness and peace of mind.
adjective (pleased)
feeling, showing or causing pleasure or satisfaction
When I find myself puzzling over a word, my first point of call is always my giant dictionary (that mostly gets used to lean on when I paint my nails...) My brain gets so intense and confusing, I need a logical and concise explanation.
It seems strangely ironic that the definition refers to a female character...and this happiness is linked to peace...But hang on a minute, she 'found' happiness? Where did she find it? Please dictionary, you're only telling me half the story here. If there is a secret magical place stuffed full of happiness then I would really like to know about it.
I'm wittering quite a lot today, and I'm not entirely sure what my point is. Actually, I don't think I have one. I'm mostly just really confused. I know happiness does exist. And I'm lucky enough to have a past full of happy memories. I just can't imagine that my future will ever be touched by happiness in the same way. Its so long since I've felt happy I'm starting to doubt its existence. I know it was there in my past, its not in my present, so how can it ever be in my future?

Saturday, 7 January 2012

nothing left in my locker

"Feel the delicious energy of the universe running through your body as we move into the pigeon pose..."

Biting my lip trying to stifle the giggle that was building up inside me, I snuck a glance at my partner in crime, Charlotte. We shared a sneaky smile, and returned to the pigeon pose. And if trying not to laugh throughout the class is a way of feeling the delicious energy of the universe, then I definitely reached that point.

Jesting aside, I do find the yoga classes helpful.




But what shall I do with the rest of my Saturday? Can I justify going back to bed? (After all, I've had a fairly busy morning....)

Hmmmm. Tricky decision.

Brain is feeling fairly muddled and a bit yucky today.

I'm so tired of everything being such a monumental effort. I wish I could just do 'normal' things without having to summon up strength each time. Its completely knackering.


Thursday, 5 January 2012

the shield and the sword

My brain isn't functioning very well this evening....(a fact that seems to be recurring far too often for my liking...) All I seem to be doing is staring at the computer screen and listening to this song....(thanks to Daddy pig for sending me the link!)

I know I'm always wittering on about music on here, but it can make such a big difference to my day.

Depression can often leave you completely empty and unable to express your emotions. You don't feel sad, because actually, you can't really feel anything at all. You're just numb.

My counsellor often gets really excited when I show strong emotions in a session, and she reminds me to try and hold onto those feelings. Its fair to say that the most common emotion I do feel is ANGER. Possibly not the best, but at least when I've got hold of that energy, I can channel it into other things.

This song allows me to access that anger and frustration.

It reminds me that I'm fighting a battle against depression.

But unlike 12 months ago, I'm now so much better equipped to fight this illness.

That I've already defeated so much...(because I tend to forget that...a lot...!)

And that I will not let this illness rule my life.

I'm in charge now...

Well, I want to be in charge anyway.

Because the tricky thing is, when you're in the darkness, you're an easy target. The black dog just takes over.

And I know that the darkness will suck me in. Its inevitable. But I can hope that it will happen less frequently. That instead of bumping around without being able to see where I am, I'll reach out, and find a little torch that will slowly lead me back into the light. Or at least the grey...


Wednesday, 4 January 2012

its nothing

I've got a list of things to do as long as my arm (actually, scrap that, my arms are quite short, and this list definitely isn't)...but somehow the appeal of sitting in my dressing gown staring out of the window seems far more appealing...

Today is going to be a nothing day.

I will do nothing, and nothing will be mentioned. Nothing will be achieved or not achieved because its a nothing day. And on a nothing day you cannot fail, because there are no hurdles.

Theres just nothing.

You can wear nothing on a nothing day if you want. But I personally prefer pyjamas (its a little chilly to wear nothing, even on a nothing day...) You can eat nothing if you want, but also, you can rest assured that nothing has any calories. So you can stuff your face and it wont count, because theres nothing there.

You can also watch nothing on TV, theres usually nothing on in the day, so watching a whole lot of nothing can fill your brain with nothing.

So go for it, have a nothing day.

Black dog is trying to bite me, but I can only remind him that its a nothing day, and therefore, he cannot exist. The black dog is nothing. Mooohahahahha! (That's my scary laugh, I haven't turned into a cow...)


Monday, 2 January 2012


Just got quite excited looking at my blog statistics....

December 2011 had the most hits on record! Over 3000 page views!

Hurrah for that!

Big hello and thank you to all my followers, old and new.

It blows my mind (not literally you understand, that would be terribly messy) that you still take time out of your day to read my witterings.

And I do love seeing where in the world people are accessing my blog. It makes me feel like I have Internet superpowers, when actually, all I have to do is press a button. Still pretty cool though. Nerdy cool, geek chic perhaps...

This week I have readers in South Korea, the Philippines and Russia (as well as many other countries that sound a little less exotic...) If I could speak those languages, then I would say hello, but I can't. In fact I'm not at all multi lingual. I can manage a tiny bit of German..."Mein Hamster is gestorben...Mein uhr is kaput" You get the picture. Both utterly useless phrases. Unless your hamster really has died at the same time your watch breaks...Oh and I can also manage a smidge of  French, "Ma petite fleur...ma petite champignon..." The greatest compliment anyone can receive I think. My little flower, my little mushroom. It sounds so much better in french though....Phrases worth hanging onto though...Just in case...

Actually, I shouldn't of started on this whole language thing..because I'm totally crap, and I always wanted to be better. And now my brain is spiralling thinking of ALL the things I can't do. Which is A LOT. Its that cursed black dog again. He just loves to remind me of all my failings and flaws. Telling me why I'm an utterly useless waste of space. ARGH.

Oh bugger.

What on earth is going to happen to me this year????


Sunday, 1 January 2012


As the inevitable countdown to midnight began, a dozen images flashed before my eyes. Quickly followed by the most annoying questions...In those ten seconds, my brain did something like this...

I miss her. Shall I get another dog?
Mmm. Oreos.
Shit. What am I going to do this year?
My bed.
I've spent nearly a whole year in bed. Is anything going to change?
I love my new shoes.
Its nearly midnight.
What was I doing this time last year?

Confused and disorientated, I was suddenly surrounded by cheers of 'Happy New Year!'. Turning round, I gave Fiona a massive hug. And thats when it hit me.

My tears poured out uncontrollably, and I realised, I'm here.

I'm alive.

I've survived.

I've been given another chance.

There have been so many points throughout the last year when I never thought I would make it. The most significant and scary  being when I took matters into my own hands and took an overdose. That day will never leave me, and actually I dont ever want to forget it.

I tried to die, I wanted to end my life, but somehow, I made it through.

And if I can survive that, then I think I can face anything.

2011 has been the weirdest and darkest year of my life.
A surreal experience..
Yet, its been a year in which I have grown, changed and learnt so much about myself.
Would I change it?
Strangely, I dont think I would.

2011 has also been a year when I have learnt what love really means.
True love between family and friends.
Love that goes through hell and back, and is still there, it doesnt fade, in fact, it gets stronger.

I am eternally thankful to everyone who has been a ray of light in my world of darkness throughout 2011.

Keep shining, and I hope my light will burn a little brighter too