Thursday, 5 January 2012

the shield and the sword

My brain isn't functioning very well this evening....(a fact that seems to be recurring far too often for my liking...) All I seem to be doing is staring at the computer screen and listening to this song....(thanks to Daddy pig for sending me the link!)

I know I'm always wittering on about music on here, but it can make such a big difference to my day.

Depression can often leave you completely empty and unable to express your emotions. You don't feel sad, because actually, you can't really feel anything at all. You're just numb.

My counsellor often gets really excited when I show strong emotions in a session, and she reminds me to try and hold onto those feelings. Its fair to say that the most common emotion I do feel is ANGER. Possibly not the best, but at least when I've got hold of that energy, I can channel it into other things.

This song allows me to access that anger and frustration.

It reminds me that I'm fighting a battle against depression.

But unlike 12 months ago, I'm now so much better equipped to fight this illness.

That I've already defeated so much...(because I tend to forget that...a lot...!)

And that I will not let this illness rule my life.

I'm in charge now...

Well, I want to be in charge anyway.

Because the tricky thing is, when you're in the darkness, you're an easy target. The black dog just takes over.

And I know that the darkness will suck me in. Its inevitable. But I can hope that it will happen less frequently. That instead of bumping around without being able to see where I am, I'll reach out, and find a little torch that will slowly lead me back into the light. Or at least the grey...


1 comment:

  1. I totally know what you mean about the numbness. My counsellor today said that the numbness is my body's way of protecting its self when I've dealt with enough.