Thursday, 31 March 2011

Restless

Feeling so so so so restless.

Considering going for a run.....which is crazy seeing as I don't believe it running (I mean, why not just walk fast?!) But it might release a bit of this pent up energy and frustration that seems to be travelling around at top speed through my body....Maybe should wait a little bit for the dinner to go down before setting off. Vomit in the street probably not the best idea....What do people wear to go jogging/running/fast walking? Shorts, sweatpants? Should I wear a jumper? Will I get cold..? And actually have I got any trainers?! Can you run/jog/fast walk in converse high tops? I'm thinking yes. Ooo my hair is looking a little wild this evening though. But maybe I could put on a hat. Tempting. Yes a hat. Oh my vanity is ridiculous. I think some hardcore dance music turned up to the MAXIMUM would be pretty ace though. (Ace... yeah I can't stop saying it now...)

We shall see..this is probably going to be one of my ideas that never happens. Yesterday I decided I was going to walk into the village, buy some ingredients and then make a cake....It started raining...so I played scrabble instead. But in my head, I made the most excellent chocolate cake. Delish and imaginary...what a winning combination...

Had counselling this morning. All very helpful. But tiring...so so so so tiring.......

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Still hating this extra hour of daylight!!!!! Someone turn the light off please and let it be dark. Muchos grazias.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Possible misinterpretations...

Haven't done much spinning (thats spinning on the spot in a field, listening to an ace tune, not that scary bike thing people do at the gym...) for a while. So raced up the field this afternoon and had a good little spinning session. Almost fell over a couple of times. And that equates to some excellent spinning work. Ha. Wind was blowing in my face. I have to say, I do like that feeling. (And for the record that's wind as in weather...not the smelly kind...otherwise that sentence could have a completely different meaning....)

Hmmm that paragraph is full of possible misinterpretations! I do strive for clarity on every level..and honesty....Its the best way...Defo. Fa Shizzzzzz....

By the way..if anybody out there has got some amazing music they want to share with me... Then please, do tell. Don't keep it to yourself. Let me know. I need some new music in my life.

Did quite a bit of painting earlier. I'm so glad I've rediscovered painting. It takes me away from everything.... Counselling tomorrow and I'm going to take some of my paintings with me. Should be interesting! My counsellor was asking me how I saw myself, how I visualised Sooz. So I have painted/drawn/scribbled something. Its pretty weird. When she was asking me to visualise myself I couldn't do it. I couldn't see a body, or a face, nothing. Bizarre. All I could see was a big grey rock, in the middle of nowhere, which then transformed into a curled up body, and then back into the rock.

Oh dear. Not sure if I should of written all that. Because its super strange. And doesn't mean anything. But kind of interesting at the same time. Maybe. Hmmm. Delete? delete?

Nah..written it now..and don't want to forget all that to be honest....and after all..that's the point of writing it down......!

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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

New post, blank screen

New post.

Blank screen.

Humm.

Tired.

Body aches.

Mind want to sleep.

Long day.

Whats the point.

Frustrated.

Deflated.

Stuck.

Keep on having to write everything down thats in my head over the last 24 hours.... otherwise I feel like I might explode...The irony is...now I have come to write my blog...my little mind is empty...!

Argh.

(Note to self...looking at facebook is not going to make me feel any better....get off the computer now Sooz)

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Monday, 28 March 2011

Unusual...

So.... am I the only person who wishes the clocks hadn't gone forward? Because it just makes my day even longer than usual. All I want to do is nest up and get in my bed. And this daylight is really making a mockery of my plans...Humph....Susie is not impressed. At least when the clocks were normal I felt it was OK to be craving bed at 5 in the afternoon. Now it just feels wrong. And makes me feel lazy and guilty. Which I'm NOT. I just want to curl up and close my eyes.....ahhh...oh well I guess I will have to wait another 6 months..Or I could go and live at the north pole (my geography could be slightly off here...) where its night-time nearly 24/7. Ooo yes. Appealing. But on the other hand..not sure if I could cope with the cold. And its not like I actually want to stay in bed all day. Because you feel a little gross after a while. I just don't really want to face the world. Mmmmm. Once again I am wittering...and once again I am without point or conclusion...Pah...

This afternoon I painted. A...semi kind of not really but maybe a bit... self portrait....My Grandma popped her head round the corner and took a glance..."Hmm that's unusual Susie. Its not you is it?" Ha, it did make me chuckle.

 Reminded me of when I was 15 and used to wear all these crazy clothes... a million bracelets up my arms, nose ring in, hugely wide jeans slung so low my knickers would pop out the top...pink streaks in my hair...wow I thought I looked pretty ace (ace...what an underused 90's word..note to self, must use more often...) After purchasing my 'Barbie is a slut' slogan t-shirt, I would rock up to to my Mum, and be like, "what do you think of my outfit...?" as I waited with baited breathe Mama would nearly always say...."Thats unusual Susie...!" which literally translated meant..."You look like a fruitlooop but I'm not going to say that because then you will react and turn into a stroppy teenager...Unusual is a safe bet...and I'm sticking with it!"

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Sunday, 27 March 2011

Hula Hoops, The Independent and fake tan...?!

Just finished eating a packet (well the contents of the packet, not the actual packet..I don't think the wrapping would be very tasty, and would probably make my tummy hurt..) of Hula Hoops. Ooo yeah that's about the level of excitement that today's blog is going to reach. Hula hoops. Not even a chunky McCoys, or a big fat Dorito. Basically just a crisp full of air....I bet the manufacturer is like "Yes! We'll save some money by putting holes in the middle of our crisps...what a winner...!" What flippin mugs we are more like. Curses.

Mind you I can still fit them on my fingers and bite off one by one...(the crisps..not my fingers..)

Didn't get out of the old dressing gown till lunchtime today. Took superhuman amount of effort to rip it off my back...!

Excellent article in the paper http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/cricket/the-last-word-depression-does-not-discriminate-ndash-but-sport-hasnt-realised-that-yet-2254044.html Have a little look. I actually emailed the writer to say, well blaaady done. Pat on the back and all that. If you haven't got the time to read it then this is the summary....

When it comes to depression....

Perhaps the best we can ever hope for is not understanding but acceptance.

Music to my ears. What amazing words. If I had a broken leg I wouldn't be blaming myself for it. Or thinking what has happened in my past for my leg to be broken. I would just be like, bugger, this is very annoying, please mend quickly. And so would other people. They wouldn't be searching for answers, reasons, or understanding why my leg was broken. Everyone would just accept it and be like, don't worry Sooz one day it will be mended.

And so it should be the same with depression. And anxiety. I need to remember that this is a medical condition. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that with medication and counselling, should in time, be balanced out again....It seems like such a small thing to remember. But it really is huge. Realising that I will never fully understand this illness, and neither will anyone else. And that's ok. We're only human. We don't know everything about our minds. Theres still a whole lot of mystery out there. And that's quite interesting really. Life would be pretty darn boring if we knew everything...

So... acceptance. I am slowly getting there...And maybe we all are....

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P.S Bronzed body is back......yay for fake tan....!Literally anything that makes you feel better even just for a minute, grab it! Do it! Now!

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Keep me! Chuck me!

Well looking back on today's activities (or lack of) it seems like a pretty long day all in all (although I'm most probably delusional, and I haven't actually achieved anything...!)

I'm trying to type this quickly as I have a pal coming round to watch some crappy TV and drink some wine. yaya... The faster I type, the louder my typing becomes....pow pow pow...why is a laptop keyboard so much louder than a desktop keyboard? hmm interesting.

I'm naturally quite a messy little lady but in times of stress and anxiety, a feeling of OCD tidiness overwhelms me and I have to sort, clean, organise. Now in this state of mind, I will most likely ignore the large stack of dishes in the sink, or the pile of clothes on the bed, and instead attack something a little more obscure....Reorganising of the wardrobe, putting CD collection into alphabetic/genre order...that kind of thing. Or if in doubt, just have a good old satisfying hoover...

So yesterday this feeling came over me and I began to clear out my desk... Wow...24 hours later I have finally (well almost) finished. I have rediscovered some crazy keyrings, a giant safety pin, the paper bit of my driving licence, and other general bits of tat. (Including a million zillion Biro's...) And some hilarious long forgotten photos. I am such a hoarder. It is something of a problem when one comes to having a clear out. "Keep me!" says a pen I bought on holiday in Spain..."Chuck me!" says the receipt from my winter coat bought 3 years ago....Oh the dilemmas. I tell you what though..I was pretty darn ruthless...those Live and Kicking stickers circa 1996 finally got the boot.........

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Friday, 25 March 2011

why does it have to have a title??hmmm!!

Not feeling good. Or great. Feel like crap really. Just trying to make it sound a little better...

Wish I had something witty to write...but I'm not feeling very funny either! Curses...

Black dog has taken over today.

I'm never too sure of the day or the date. But annoyingly, somehow I always know when the weekend starts. Its like an internal alarm that goes off every Friday at 7pm. I can somehow feel the buzz of people going out and having an amazing time. Doing normal stuff. Having fun.

argh...frustration overload...

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Thursday, 24 March 2011

Failure alphabet spaghetti

Wow I really wittered on for quite a long time yesterday...maybe not so much this evening...

Had counselling this morning...T'was pretty full on. Intense. Brain ache. I thought I just had one mountain to climb..turns out..its a whole flippin mountain range!Arggh... Blaaaady typical...

I feel like the word 'failure' has not just been tattooed over my forehead..But that my whole body is marked, scarred with those charred up words. And its not just on my skin, but inside too. There are little 'failure' letters (like in alphabet spaghetti) travelling around my veins. I know that must sound totally gross and pretty weird. I just question how am I ever going to get rid of something that seems to have completely ingrained itself in my mind and my body? Very complicated and confusing...so I'm going to stop typing now...

Before you finish reading, check out the following link. Watch the video. And you might start to understand what I'm jabbering on about....I can't seem to get my words out tonight!

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Mentalhealthoverview.aspx

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Wednesday, 23 March 2011

lets talk about panic attacks

Well... After my adventures, I have made it home. Back in the country...(side)..I haven't been abroad...Just wanted to make that clear....:-p

Discovering Twitter... Not sure what I think yet. Its too early to tell....but if you want to follow me I'm @SusiePiggott (what an original and interesting name...I almost chose theREALsusiepiggott just incase people might get me confused with the celebrity version...and then I realised...nobody else has such an interesting/strange little name!) Oh yeah and there is no celebrity version of  Susie Piggott....I am the one and only.....Ooooo little Chesney reference slipped in there...

I'm really sleepy but feeling in a slightly giddy mood. This doesn't happen very often. It feels really good to write. My mind is jam packed full of stuff. And its quite satisfying to be sat tip tap tap typing it out...

I do realise that I tend to repeat myself a ridiculous amount. But for once I'm not going to apologise, and instead I'm just going to let it out...

Panic attack...Two horrible words, combined together to make an absolute beast. Nobody likes to panic. And nobody ever wants to be attacked. So to have the two thrown at you together is pretty overwhelming.

 Now I might be completely wrong here...but when I'm having a panic attack I feel like such a fruit loop. Well, that's just one of the many things that goes through my head. But you feel like nobody else in the world has ever experienced what you're going through.  I'm slowly realising that little thought is untrue, I am not the only one...and the more people talk about it...I can only hope just a little bit..everyones panic attacks might become a little less scary... Actually that's a pretty huge challenge. Maybe I'll just start with me...and like one other person?!

Anyway...

When my attack comes on I feel like I cant breathe. My air passages (tubes, whatever the technical scientific term is) feel completely blocked up. Nothing is getting in, and nothing is getting out. Like a big balloon that's going to explode or something. And I need that air, badly. And so I panic more. So to compensate I over-breathe, which then makes it worse because I'm getting too much oxygen..or carbon dioxide...I cant remember...its a very scary vicious circle.

Combine all that with a heart racing, almost pounding out of your skin, a body that's going to keel over from dizziness, feeling like you're going to throw up any second, hands shaking, sometimes boiling hot all over...oh yeah and the scariest of all. You feel like you're going to die.

Now there are loads of amazing techniques that have helped me. A special breathing thing I do, a relaxation visualisation, holding onto something (or someone!) but everyone is different...

I would count myself lucky in the fact that I have had someone with me for most of my attacks. I've had a couple on my own... And its that fear and worry of being in a public place on my own and having a panic attack that is often so crippling. My attacks can go on for as long as an hour, and I often find it helpful to lie on the floor after a while. Imagine doing that on a train/bus/out and about in general public...

"Excuse me everyone, can you please shuffle up, I just need to lie down...Just having a panic attack..If someone could grab my hand that would be excellent..Oh no not you..your hands look a little grubby...preferably a clean hand please...and could someone put some relaxing music on and rub my back...thanks ever so..."

I don't know. That kind of sounds hilarious. Maybe you have just got to laugh about it...!

Yesterday a friend assured me that I would be amazed at the amount of people who would help me out if that slightly hilarious/scary/ panic attack situation happened again out in the big wide world...I'm thinking of exactly the right word now....

Hope

And if that fails...watch this....!

Betty Boo...Doin' the do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sM_9As_2VAg

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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Susie the Beluga

Currently feeling pretty frustrated! Its so difficult to get the balance between pushing myself to do a little more each day, and not over stretching myself.

Being such a determined little lady, I often seem to over stretch myself. Had a panic attack a couple of hours ago. My body's way of telling me to sit down, shut up, and be quiet.Arrgh.

On one hand I feel like I'm achieving things and making progress. And on the other hand I feel like most people get up, travel on trains, buses, meet people, go to work, buy things from shops...and all that normal everyday stuff that just seems to be so overwhelming for me.

Its so difficult not to compare myself with others.

But I know in order to make any real substantial progress I need to focus on myself. Getting Susie better. And just blocking out all that other stuff...

Oooo just a small challenge for the day then?!

On the plus side I have decided that if I lived in the sea then I would defo be a Beluga...or Balooga.....(and not a Bugaloo, which I thought it was called..that name has just been jumping out of my head all day...)


Yeah.....

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One step at a time....

Little bit of a delay on the old blog writing front.

I'm typing this on the worlds smallest laptop and although I'm wearing my glasses I'm squinting like an old lady...

Took a train yesterday....made it in one piece....although got boiling hot and had to strip down to my vest...whats the point in planning an outfit if anxiety hot flushes take over?!

Lets see what happens today....

Small steps...small steps.....small steps....

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Sunday, 20 March 2011

Susie hates computers

Oh how I hate computers.

Just spent flippin ages writing out today's blog and now the darned thing has gone and deleted it.

Curses.

To be honest, it was a load of crap anyway. I was struggling, and it made no sense. And now its gone. So there...

Argggh!

I could summarise it in witty little bullet points....

But quite frankly, I can't be arsed.

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Saturday, 19 March 2011

Blah blah blah blah....!

Having trouble concentrating.....my mind seems to be either full up of thoughts, anxieties, questions, worries, doubts...darkness....or it almost seems to be the opposite and is completely blank, empty.

Hmm not sure if that makes sense..Because even when it is blank, all that stuff hasn't gone away. Its just festering somewhere. Like a smelly old sock that's hiding under your bed. You keep on smelling the pong and spot it, but you keep forgetting to move it...

Depression and anxiety like a smelly old sock? Nah, not really sure that simile works...! And just for the record my feet smell like roses and there is nothing under my bed.....

Delete... delete...delete?? Ooo resist the urge Sooz, because at the end of the day, at least you have written something. It may be a load of rambling rubbish.... But something is better than nothing....!

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Friday, 18 March 2011

Headache........again!

Today I've mostly been listening to this..... its from one of my favourite films, 'Amelie'...go on...have a little listen.. Very soothing. Calming. Relaxing. Transports you to Paris, a magical place where anything can happen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QWaNV4EWb8

My head feels like its been pounding all week. Painkillers don't even seem to touch it. Arrgh. Been drinking a gallon of water to keep re-hydrated. I have this weird unquenchable thirst when my anxiety gets bad...

I feel like I might throw up any second too. Nice. Yuk yuk yuk. Hope no-one is reading this whilst eating!

 Muzzy fuzzy head. Brain so full up of thoughts whizzing around, I can't even begin to make sense of them. Its so tiring trying to work them all out. An impossible task. So whats the point of even trying?!

Arrrggggh

This evening seems to be stretching ahead of me...6 o'clock, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11......keep checking the time. When can I go to bed? Is it too early? Probably...curses.....

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Thursday, 17 March 2011

Brother rat

Just power walked (well my attempt at power walking, its probably most people's normal pace) and I must admit I'm a little tired... I've just volunteered to make dinner but feel I need to regain some strength and sit on my arse for a while....Big yawn..huge yawn...whoever knew such a mini person could have such gigantic yawns?! They seem to take over my whole body.....ooohhhh yawn...I seriously can't stop now...must change subject....

hmmmm....

Ooooo yeah I remember....I saw a dead rat out on my travels today.... and it reminded me of 2 hilarious stories. Well when I say hilarious, you may have to bare with me, as they might be those 'you had to be there' kind of moments....

Now I know what you must be thinking...how does a dead rat make you laugh? And I promise I haven't got some sick kind of sense of humour (well at least I don't think I have...) But what I do know, is in a world that really doesn't seem very funny, you have to take these little bits of hilarity, grab them with both hands and put them in your pocket for a day when you think laughter is impossible...

So, back to the rat. That was dead. On the road. A very large dead rat, I might add, with a very fat body and scarily long tail....

But the first thing that caught me off guard was that it looked suspiciously like a rat that I have met on previous occasion. Now I'm not a rodent expert, but I saw the look in its beady little eye, and I thought. Yes, we have met before....The fact that it was in New York, is perhaps a slight technical detail...

It was 2 and a half years ago....A hot August afternoon, I was strolling through Central Park, taking in the beautiful scenery. It was so quiet. So leafy. So green. So sunny. I couldn't believe no-one else seemed to be around. I thought I must have found a secret bit of the park, that was all mine....

How wrong I was...Just as I was beginning to feel at peace with the universe a giant rat jumped out of the bushes! I have never screamed so loud. I thought it was going to bite my ankles off. He looked me eye, and I realised I had stumbled onto his turf....Obviously this was why there were no other people around! It was the home of the rat mafia...and I didn't want to wait around to see what else could happen. So I scarpered... Phew close call.

And now this sneaky giant mafia type rat must have somehow followed me back to England and got himself run over. Its a funny old world....thats karma for you....ha!

But saying all that, the rat may win eventually.... As I am lead into thinking about my second story...

When I was in Wales last month I found a rather old encyclopedia of animals at the hotel. It became a great source of amusement, as the pictures and facts all seemed to be a rather strange combination. I also like to think about what people would choose if they had to be an animal. And when I meet people for the first time I always think about what animal they look like....(For the record... I would be an Orangutan, although I hope I don't look like one...!)

Anyway I'm getting off the point (not that I have one!) There was a particular essay that caught my eye.....And this was the title....

Don't underrate brother rat

Yes! What a title! What an essay (actually the title was the most interesting bit!) Oh it did tickle me. And now I'm realising that I should probably learn from it...I shouldn't underrate brother rat because you never know when he might pounce again!

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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Painting...writing....and all that jazz...

A better day than yesterday.... In fact I think I shall just erase Tuesday March 15th completely. That's it. Deleted. It no longer exists! Excellent work...

I have just uploaded some photos from the last couple of months onto Facebook. Felt a little scary. Not really sure why. I think maybe I'm a little embarrassed about my paintings. I know they are technically rubbish, and probably look like a whole load of mushed up colour to people but I find painting so therapeutic. But they are little glimmers of hope, and I'm determined not to forget them.

Its a strange kind of feeling. Sometimes when I get myself up and ready for the day I just know that I have to paint. Or sometimes its not painting its writing. I don't feel like I'm describing this very well...But its like a gut instinct that you have to follow through. Maybe a bit like you know you have to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, some days I just know I have to paint. It sounds so weird! I'm always so much in my head, thinking about everything, analysing too much, worrying, that its such a relief to get something onto paper.

When I paint, I paint not just what I see, but what I feel. Colour is so important to me. And in a world that at the moment seems black, its a real nugget of hope to rediscover my love of colour. I like to paint big. To zoom in on something and exaggerate the colours that stand out and shout at me. I'm not really into all that fiddly detail stuff. I also paint quite quickly (not really a perfectionist it has to be said) which is good because it means I can see the results straight away. I think that's true of knitting too. You can focus your energy into something else and see a physical result.

Painting and writing takes me away from the black dog. They give me a route to escape from depression and anxiety. A path where thoughts and feelings can be released. I'm never completely free from the black dog, but at least for a little while I can put him into his kennel as I concentrate on the canvas.

And that gut feeling of needing to write and paint something is such a rush. Its like adrenalin. When an idea pops into my head about a funny character or situation, the urge to stop whatever I'm doing is so overwhelming. Or an image, a certain colour, it pokes me straight between the eyes and I know that it won't leave me alone until I do it. Which can sometimes me a day...a week...a month..but I know eventually I will get there! At a time when I find it difficult to want to do anything, its amazing to have rediscovered all this jazz........

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Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Knickers..poppycock...rats..curses!!

So today instead of swearing my head off I will try and use words such as 'oh curses' 'blaaady hell' 'rats' 'knickers' 'swine' etc etc....

It has been a blaaady horrible day. Made even more flippin annoying because yesterday I really felt like I was making some progress. And then everything just comes up and bites you on the arse again. CURSES!

Oh nuts. I really am trying to control myself....Oh drat. Fiddlesticks. Poppycock.

Its always a particularly bad sign that the big black dog has taken control when at 3 o'clock in the afternoon I'm still in my dressing gown. My duvet is stuck over my head, I have a banging headache that won't go away, and I haven't eaten any lunch.

I think my parents would both like to burn my dressing gown. They hate it... I love it. It is warm and pink and cosy. And most importantly it has a hood. Yes a hood. Every good dressing gown should have one. If I could I would go out and about the village in my dressing gown. I realise I may get some strange looks, but curses, who the blaaady hell cares, because that dressing gown is always there to snuggle me up. Apparently its always a bad sign when I have the hood up. I'm not entirely sure why....I think I like it because I feel like I'm hiding under it...So they will never tear me away from it...never!!

Anyway you will be pleased to know that I have now in fact got some clothes on (not that I ever blog naked..I just meant I have momentarily detached myself from the pink gown.) And I have been for a walk.

Thank flippin heck this swine of a beastly day has finely come to its darned end......

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Monday, 14 March 2011

Looking in the mirror

I always tend to blog towards the end of the day and I really shouldn't because I'm always soooo sleepy....And I get bored of starting with the words "I'm tired...again!" But if I blogged at the beginning of the day, I would still be incredibly zombie-like....In fact I don't think I would even make it to the computer.... And there would be the added problem of not remembering what had happened the day before.... So I guess I will stick with it.... Yawn through it.... Drink some more Diet Coke.....

Witter witter witter.......ramble ramble ramble.......la la la....doop de doop....(Doop de doop, where did that pop from? 1959?!)

Anyway....so I'm going to sound extremely self-indulgent, and maybe a bit weird now but I don't really care...because today was the first day that I looked in the mirror and I thought..."I like my outfit...I look maybe a little bit cool today(?!)"...And I felt OK...I didn't want to jump out of the window or pour a tin of white paint over my head...Progress has been made....!

My hair was behaving itself for once, and didn't feel like wispy old straw stuck onto my head. The suitcases under my eyeballs didn't feel so dark and heavy. It was sunny outside and for the first time I didn't have to wear my giant duvet coat to keep warm. In fact, I started taking layers off! Yes, I had reached optimum body temperature! Hurrah. All my clothes felt like they fitted. Trousers didn't fall down (bloody good job...I was beginning to get some very odd looks and gaining the reputation of  a flasher is not on my agenda) and boots were comfy. I rediscovered a bright pink scarfy thing from last summer and it just seemed to lift me somehow. I also got a new mascara (Clinique, free in Glamour..if you're interested :-p ) and enjoyed coating the old eyelashes until they felt extra specially long...

Managed to get the bus....Bag of tricks (knitting, ipod, snacks, water, paracetamol, magazine) helped me through..And of course the sunglasses made another appearance....Never ending love for the aviators....

And so this blog has gone in a full circle..because I'm back to the original point-

Cream crackered.......but today...it was worth it.....

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Sunday, 13 March 2011

Hold on

It feels so strange to look out of the window at 6 in the evening, and to still see blue sky. The last few months seem to have passed me by in a timeless haze. And all of a sudden it seems to be springtime. I often feel such a loss of time, no idea what day, week or month it is. Because when I do start to think about such things, my anxiety tends to go a little nuts. So for now, timelessness is where I am. Its OK not to know the date, and not to think about tomorrow. I just need to concentrate on this moment, and getting through this day....

Not sure if that makes any sense....!Ah well....

Pretty tired out tonight, but it has been totally worth it. Have spent the weekend with one of my oldest and bestest friends, which has made a real difference. We have gone through so much stuff over the years, and its been good to remember that friendship is a two way thing. That if I wasn't here, she would miss me. And I forget that. Its nice to be wanted. And needed. I know I would be lost without her, and actually, I think she would say the same. When your past is so intertwined with someone elses, you realise that each other is irreplaceable. And I can probably say that about more people than I realise. Which is so special. That my life is different because of them. And their lives are different because of me.

I know I hark on about this quite a lot. But I genuinely have to get this into my brain, and repetition seems to be a good way of remembering!

 I often feel like I'm on an island, deserted and stranded. Unable to help myself, and separated from everybody else. As I type this now I know its not true. And I'm so lucky to have so many amazing friends and family. But the scary thing is when you are surrounded by darkness your mind won't let you find those feelings. They are trapped and locked away somewhere that you just can't get to. And actually you can't even remember the way to get there. And pretty soon you're not even sure what it is that's there. It feels like a foreign country. Where everyone else can speak the language. But you haven't even got a voice.

So I need to hold onto these moments. These glimmers of light and love....

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Saturday, 12 March 2011

A 'normal' Saturday night

Just a little teeny post this evening...

The lovely Laura has come to visit me for the weekend and we have been having a good old girly time. Painting nails, giving ourselves facials, and watching crappy TV. As well as having a good old chinwag...It feels good to be having a 'normal' Saturday night....

Love friends:-)

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Friday, 11 March 2011

My head hurts...oooow....

Yes.... Its Friday....I made it....

Spent most of the afternoon curled on my bedroom floor with my blanket wrapped around me...and over me...I figure...if I can't see the world...the world can't see me...

Had horrible headache all day. Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

So I've been sitting here staring at the computer screen for about an hour now. My head is a bit of a blank space this evening. Been putting random things into YouTube and rediscovering some hilarious songs from the 90's...

Now I do realise that I'm about 5 years behind everyone else on the whole YouTube thing. And generally all technology really..... But this made me laugh. A lot. Which is an achievement. So thank you crazy boys...wherever you may be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhxocuF0E5M&feature=fvst

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Thursday, 10 March 2011

Its all a bit random...well more than usual!

Getting very distracted again by looking at old facebook photos. Its always  a bit of a worry when you're looking through some pictures and you realise you don't know anybody in them....Or is that just me?! I hope not...!  Oh nuts I have revealed too much...secret Susie behaviour is out of the bag again.....yikes!

One of these days I should really actually print some of those pictures. Thats the snag about digital cameras. Or maybe its just me, and its on one of those neverending lists of things to do. That absoloutley never get crossed off. Despite all good intentions.

I miss those old disposable cameras. When you used to take one out on a night out and when you got it developed it would be such a surprise! Yes someone's head might be chopped off, and most of the people look a bit blurry, and somehow the flash never seemed to work properly.... But it was the suspense of it all...the excitement of not quite knowing what you were going to see. There was no, "Take it again, I think you only have one eye open" or "Yeah you have a massive bit of basil in your teeth, go and sort it and I'll take it again." It was all just hanging out there. Warts and all.

(Again I have no idea where this is going...I'm just writing. My brain is thinking. And I'm writing. Oh yeah and I'm also a huge hypocrite. Much as I love the warts and all photos of other people... I am exceedingly vain and the queen of 'detagging' anything slightly unflattering of myself....)

Back to my wittering..... I wonder do they even still sell disposable cameras? I know people always put them on tables at weddings for some strange reason. And then half way through the reception when everyone on  your table has run out of conversation, its like, "Oooo a camera...lets take some awkward photos of people we've only just met..." Later on in the evening, when the wine really starts to flow, the camera gets taken on the dancefloor and is subjected to photographing various body parts....of equally various and random strangers who have suddenly become best friends over a pint...or 5....

Yeah. Weird.

So all this random writing is kind of taking my little brain away from the black dog. Which can only be a positive thing I guess....

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Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Oh its another jumbled up mess!

This week just seems to be going on forever.

I woke up this morning and thought, 'Today is a new day. Forget about yesterday.' Yeah...wishful thinking....it lasted all of about 2 minutes....! I've felt so angry today but I guess there is no point ranting and raving...its not going to make me feel any better...! Maybe I should go and chop a tree down (I don't know where that came from?! Imagine little me with an axe in my hand wrestling a tree to the ground!) Or just generally take my anger out on something...

Actually what I would love to do, is to go into a field and scream my head off. I would shout so loud, it would break all the never ending silences. Shattering the stillness. Releasing my inner voice. All the birds would fly up into the air and all the grass would be flattened. Oh and while we're in visionary imagination mode, all the windows would break and the sky would have dark looming thunderclouds....

To be honest, the reality of going and doing this probably isn't quite as exciting as it is in my head. Dog walkers may be a little caught off guard, and accidentally fall down a badger hole or something, and I wouldn't want that. And I guess all my neighbours would be a little pissed off if I broke all their windows...

Hmmmm....I think that's it...

Oh no...wait.... another strange little something just popped into my head...

I did eat 4 gingerbread men this afternoon, so some progress on the food eating front. I think the tablets my doctor gave me are working. (Just for clarification...Not real life size gingerbread men....that would be strange. And greedy. And my stomach would be huge. And how would you fit them in the oven? No these were little mini tasty gingerbread men.)

Yeah that's definitely it for tonight....

Stop typing Susie.......before you release any more craziness into the world...

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Monday, 7 March 2011

Cold cold and more cold

Sat here typing, feeling absolutely freezing! I can no longer feel my toes or my fingers. Which is weird because the sun has been shining all day. Hmmm... I literally don't think I could be wearing any more layers. I currently have on underwear (bit obvious, but if we're counting layers then lets be thorough...) bootie slipper thingys,  jeans, a long sleeve top, a cardigan, a woolen jumper, a blanket, a woolen scarf (that's huge...I made it myself actually, first knitting project. Please be impressed. And a cute little woolly headband thing...and I'm still cold. Oh yeah and I look like the Michelin Man.

What an excellent outfit.... I'm all for practicality over style (in extreme circumstances) but these layers aren't even working...!

Maybe I have ice running through my veins. Or maybe I don't have blood running through me, I have  Diet Coke instead...I do drink an awful lot of it....

So what have I done today?

Lets think....Went for a walk in the sunshine this morning along the river. Bit muddy. Paranoia about getting jeans dirty.... Took provisions of pear drops and oreos to make it to the pub just before I was about ready to collapse. Very nearly passed out when barmaid said they had run out of crisps (seriously, how can a pub run out of crisps?!) But Mama saved the day and bought me some chips to give me a little energy boost.

And for the last 4 hours I've been trying my best not to fall asleep. The walk has made me so exhausted....yawn yawn yawn....Mama again saved the day by putting the rocking chair in front of our patio windows, so I could look out at the garden, rock away, and have a little knit. Now no judgement here people. I know I sound like a Grandma. And maybe I am....But its exactly what I needed. I put some Johnny Cash on my ipod and zoned out... I often find it so difficult to concentrate. Things like watching a film or reading a book, generally just make my brain ache too much. I'm OK if I'm watching a film that I have seen before. Or reading something really relaxing. But otherwise my mind just freaks out and generally reacts by falling asleep...Which is not good. Because if I sleep in the day then I wont sleep at night...Its all so FRUSTRATING....

Ok, enough typing now....going to go and sit on a radiator.....

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Sunday, 6 March 2011

Think about here and now Sooz.........

Ooo so just had a sneaky peak at how many approx views my blog has had. 218 apparently. But does that mean 218 different people? Or just 5 people have looked at it 43.6 times? hmmmmm....its  a mystery that hurts my brain! Either way....I'm not entirely sure what my point is (I feel like I say that a lot...) Because even if nobody read it...The point is in the writing it. Not necessarily in reading it. Although that is kind of the point too...as I want to help others...and get that whole general depression/anxiety topic out there...

Another 'ooooo' because I feel like I am wittering and I am not making any sense! Ha...hmmmm...

So today is Sunday. And I've been feeling pretty frustrated. Black dog has been chasing me around and stopping me from doing things. Argh. I need to give that dog a slap. Its just so annoying especially because my cute nephew is here and I want to be fun Auntie Sooz. And I just cant be. I have to really be selfish and control the time I spend with him. Which feels like I'm being mean. But I just can't cope any other way. So I've been able to have my breakfast with him, and help him to get ready. Going to the park I knew would be a step too far. I left that to Mama and Sis. I did manage to find a little bit of energy to dance around the living room with him though. I found that old smurfs album...ha ha he loved it! He's a big fan of dancing. And spinning too! What a little legend. I guess its all about controlling my day, and putting things in place so I don't have to feel under pressure to behave a certain way, or do certain things. I just need to be.

But it makes me think, how long is this going to go on for? How much longer to I have to cope with this shitty illness. When do I get better? And when I make a little bit of progress, the next day I might take 2 steps back. I was talking to my Mama and Sis earlier about how long I think this depression anxiety stuff has been creeping up on me. Its pretty scary because I actually think its about 3 years...Maybe a little longer. I'm not exactly sure. Realising that though kind of makes me understand more that I can't rush this process of (hopefully) getting better. I can just ride the storm. And let my body and mind heal. And possibly try not to think about how long its going to take....as that usually makes me feel worse!

I need to concentrate on now. This moment. Here. No point worrying about tomorrow...(how easy is it to type that...and how hard is it to follow through?!!)

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Saturday, 5 March 2011

A little smiling turtle

I saw this photo in 'The Independant' this morning. This may sound a little nuts, but I kind of wish I was this turtle. The picture is taken after it was released into the Atlantic for the very first time. It had been rescued, and nurtured back to health in Florida. The photographer is Eric Cheng. After I had googled him I expected to read that this was a recent photo, but its not, it was taken in 2005! I felt mildly cheated by the paper... But I can get over it...Only because I  love the picture so much.

The look of joy and delight on its little face is amazing.  The freedom of the sea, the space, the simplicity...its all very tempting....Who knew that turtles could smile? It could be happening all the time, smiling little turtle faces bobbing around the ocean. Like in 'Finding Nemo'. Yes. Totally want to be a turtle now. New favourite animal....

I needed to see that today. Black dog has been biting at my heels all day. Bastard.

So in order for this blog to make any sense at all...check out the link below...see what you think!

http://www.divephotoguide.com/user/echeng/gallery/featured_gallery_138/photo/1494/

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Friday, 4 March 2011

Muzzy fuzzyness

I have been meaning to email, write, and message people back this last week. And I'm so sorry if I haven't got back to you yet. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed. And everything is such a massive effort. (I know sitting down and typing doesn't sound very energetic..its more the thinking process!) So big apologies. I hope no-one is offended, because the messages mean so much to me, and make a huge difference.....Thank you lovely people ........... :-)

Really struggled to haul my arse out of bed this morning. Bella (my little pooch) was trying her best to tempt me out, but she had a tough contender on her hands. She's quite an old gal now, 13, which in dog years is like 91. But for some reason she springs around like a new born puppy in the morning! She's so bouncy and excitable. In fact she's often so excitable that I worry she might wee on my carpet.... which is usually the reason why eventually I manage to get up....!

My head has been so muzzy and fuzzy all day. It feels like a container that has reached its limit. Nothing more can fit into it, and everything is just overflowing, spilling out the sides, making a mess.

My sister, brother in law and crazy nephew Joshua have come to visit for a few days. I haven't seen them since Christmas. Joshua is two, and a complete nutcase (kind of makes me feel better...mind you he is a toddler...!) He was running around the lounge earlier, very pleased that we were all together. I just wish I was feeling well enough to be a proper Auntie.....

Arrrrggggh this is so frustrating...

I'm so exhausted..

Enough for tonight...
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Thursday, 3 March 2011

Susie's sleepy and she can't concentrate!

So the time is 7 o'clock. Its Tuesday evening. I mean Thursday evening...

Yeah thats pretty much all I have to say tonight...My mind is wandering and I'm so distracted....

Hmmm something funny would be good right about now...What makes me laugh?

Ummmmmm...

Oh for goodness sake I can't think of anything! This is a disaster!

Ha just remembered my saviour. 'Ha ha bonk' joke book by Janet and Alan Ahlberg. It was like the bible of my childhood. And here it is again, its popped up just in time....

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No – cows go moo!

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Wednesday, 2 March 2011

I did it

Walked down the road...
Got a bus...
Put my sunnies on...(it wasn't that sunny, but I felt a little safer and protected, and uber cool of course..!)
Went into a shop...
Bought something...
Needed a rest...
Head feeling muzzy and funny (I wish funny hilarious, but funny weird..)
No chairs in shop...
Tried not to panic so...
Sat on the floor of the shop eating honey sandwiches...(what a delicious combination)
Energy temporaily boosted...
Walked down another road...
Sat down..
Sipped some diet coke...
Put on ipod...
Closed eyes...
Bliss...
Time to move...
Legs feeling like lead and jelly at the same time...
I'm sure I was walking super fast..but in reality I think I was winning the medal for worlds slowest walker...
Got on bus....
Walked up what felt like the longest road ever...
Got home...
Sat on the sofa..
Closed eyes...
Heaven....

What a day.
What an effort.
I can't believe how tired I am.
Ridiculous as it may sound...
I know I didnt run a marathon or climb a mountain....
Actually scrap that...I may not of climbed a mountain, but I certainly found a way round it...
And...I made it....
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Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Share and share alike.....

You may have noticed, or not noticed....depending if you skim-read this...that I often find it hard to keep track of the days...Its quite a strange feeling really. Because I know its Tuesday. And I know its the beginning of March. But for some reason  it doesn't completely register in my little brain....

If you're wondering what my point is...I don't really have one, ha ha!

Anyway I was thinking about how amazing blogging, facebook, emails, text messages etc etc are to my life! It has been such a fantastic way for me to be able to reach out to friends and still feel part of life (even if its just in a small way...)

I often imagine what my life would have been like had I been born 50 years ago or 100 years ago. Is that strange? Nah...I think thats quite normal...Maybe if history bores you to tears then you might find it a little pointless but I love my history. Ah what a geek!

I wonder would my friendships, my family, my relationships still be the same? And what about my depression and anxiety. How would I of coped? I'm thinking that there wasn't the same kind of medication back in yee olden days. It must of been so tough for people to survive this illness without help. Or any kind of illness to be honest. The Internet and phone allows me to feel connected to people, and the world. Imagine trying to survive this without being able to talk to people about how you are. It is an illness that makes you feel alone, scared, isolated, like you're the only one, and being able to communicate through just letters must of been difficult. (Mind you I am a big fan of snail mail) Plus people had all that added rubbish of the bloody British stiff upper lip. Whats all that about?!

Again I'm not really sure what my point is... I think I'm just realising more and more how important it is to talk about how we feel. For so much of my life I bottled up my feelings, and hardly ever shared. Then when I did tell somebody my deepest darkest secrets I would feel so exposed. Like I had given them a precious segment of my soul. And for all I knew they might not of wanted it! Or they might not of known how to deal with it. But it was an intense connection. And if something happened to end the friendship or relationship, I would feel as if they still had a part of me.

So after 24 long old years I have finally realised its just so much better to get stuff out into the open. Now I'm not saying I'm gonna get on  the bus tomorrow and start chatting with some random about my lifelong story. But for me personally, if I share how I feel more equally amongst people, I won't feel like they've taken something away from me. It won't be such a big deal. And actually sharing how you feel is a two way thing. You talk, they talk. Its an equal give and take kinda thing. Sorted.

Yeah thats enough for tonight......
Much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx