A better day than yesterday.... In fact I think I shall just erase Tuesday March 15th completely. That's it. Deleted. It no longer exists! Excellent work...
I have just uploaded some photos from the last couple of months onto Facebook. Felt a little scary. Not really sure why. I think maybe I'm a little embarrassed about my paintings. I know they are technically rubbish, and probably look like a whole load of mushed up colour to people but I find painting so therapeutic. But they are little glimmers of hope, and I'm determined not to forget them.
Its a strange kind of feeling. Sometimes when I get myself up and ready for the day I just know that I have to paint. Or sometimes its not painting its writing. I don't feel like I'm describing this very well...But its like a gut instinct that you have to follow through. Maybe a bit like you know you have to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, some days I just know I have to paint. It sounds so weird! I'm always so much in my head, thinking about everything, analysing too much, worrying, that its such a relief to get something onto paper.
When I paint, I paint not just what I see, but what I feel. Colour is so important to me. And in a world that at the moment seems black, its a real nugget of hope to rediscover my love of colour. I like to paint big. To zoom in on something and exaggerate the colours that stand out and shout at me. I'm not really into all that fiddly detail stuff. I also paint quite quickly (not really a perfectionist it has to be said) which is good because it means I can see the results straight away. I think that's true of knitting too. You can focus your energy into something else and see a physical result.
Painting and writing takes me away from the black dog. They give me a route to escape from depression and anxiety. A path where thoughts and feelings can be released. I'm never completely free from the black dog, but at least for a little while I can put him into his kennel as I concentrate on the canvas.
And that gut feeling of needing to write and paint something is such a rush. Its like adrenalin. When an idea pops into my head about a funny character or situation, the urge to stop whatever I'm doing is so overwhelming. Or an image, a certain colour, it pokes me straight between the eyes and I know that it won't leave me alone until I do it. Which can sometimes me a day...a week...a month..but I know eventually I will get there! At a time when I find it difficult to want to do anything, its amazing to have rediscovered all this jazz........