Saturday, 31 March 2012

goodbye last week, you were shit!

I have been very neglectful of my witterings over the last few days. But, its been a shit week,  and quite frankly, I'm very glad its over.

I always knew that this week would be difficult as my art and writing courses have stopped for the holidays. Having a routine has been helping me get through things massively, so its been a bit of a bugger trying to create a new short term schedule...(if that makes sense...?) Theres also been a few irksome incidences of plans changing and people letting me down, which seems to exacerbates my anxiety and paranoia.

However, last night a burst of spontaneity emerged from my good friend Cat, and what started life as a quiet drink in the pub ended up as crazy dancing until 2:30 am...I do enjoy impulsive decisions like that, and as I can't often be trusted to make them myself, its even more fun when they come from someone else!

I'm off on a mini adventure next week, with  someone whom I haven't seen for almost a year. Its all really rather exciting. Trouble is, he went to the airport on the wrong day and is having trouble getting back to England. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he makes it! I'm sure his family is doing the same as its his brothers wedding on Saturday....

Oh and here is another picture I've finished this week.

I'm boring myself now, the sofa is calling me...


Wednesday, 28 March 2012

The search for endorphins

Exercise apparently gets the endorphins jumping around your body.

Well, it doesn't seem to be happening to my body.

In fact, I think my body seems to be actively repelling these little happy hormones.  I did 30 mins of cardio today (I know its not that much, but for me, it was like a marathon...) and do I feel any different? Nope. Big fat no. I don't feel any better and the endorphins are no where to be seen.

I shall have to turn into a super sleuth again to try and track them down. That is, if they actually exist. I am still doubtful, but, Detective Piggott has been known to be wrong (occasionally...)

Perhaps I will reread my spy tactics, and start my own investigation. Which reminds me, I never did find out who sent me that anonymous package in the post last year?? That could be evidence of my crap detective skills actually. Hmm. No matter, maybe I shall reopen that case, as well as the hunt for the happy hormones.

However, a task that I have actually completed today was finishing my doodle canvas thingy (I was talking about it the other day...really hard to explain..!) So here is a picture...

It takes absolutely zero skill but is very satisfying to paint as you just build up loads of layers of swirly doodles in paint...then do the same in wire...then sew them on, and tada! A snapshot of my mind. I know that sounds like a slightly daft phrase, or too arty farty, but for me, that's what all my pictures represent, a little slice of my crazy brain....!


Tuesday, 27 March 2012

in darkness

When my head is consumed by darkness, I begin to sink.

I can sink fast, like a stone thrown into the ocean, or I can sink slowly, fighting against the waves, arms outstretched, panic setting in.

I'm not sure which is worse.

But I have been sinking since monday, and I can't fight it anymore.

All I can do is wait it out.

Try and cling onto hope.

Wherever it is.

Whatever it is.


Monday, 26 March 2012

sunshine giants

Today I purchased a sunflower...Well, hopefully it will turn into one anyway. The packet promises me a sunshine giant (I wonder if I can get my money back if it doesn't work...?) but it all depends whether I can turn the tiny seeds into something spectacular. Going on my past experience with plants, things aren't looking very hopeful. I generally tend to forget to water them for 2 weeks, then suddenly remember and end up drowning them in gallons of water. Whoops.

These seeds better be feeling hopeful and giant like, because if they end up relying totally on me, their chances of survival are pretty slim..!

But...I can try...and hope....and whisper in their ears tall and strong thoughts.....and maybe not drown them....or dehydrate them....and keep them away from hungry bunnies...and maybe, just maybe, they'll grow super sunny and giant like...

(Of course, this all depends on whether I actually get off my arse and plant them...Which again, judging from past experience, could be unlikely...I have so many wonderful ideas...But actually fulfilling them? Thats the tricky part...)

Sunday, 25 March 2012

sport relief and barking

Teeny weeny smidgkin of a blog...

Thought the small font made my point, turns out, I can't actually read lets forget that idea.

Today I did the sport relief mile...Crazy red socks and pyjama shorts were worn. All good fun.

And now I am tired.

Oh so tired.

And I'm feeling...odd...a strange mood has come over me...

The black dog never completely leaves me, but tonight he is barking so loudly and trying to escape from the lead I put him on...He's such a badly behaved hound and needs to listen to me, his mistress and commander...I just haven't got much strength tonight and that cheeky mutt knows it too. Curses.


Saturday, 24 March 2012

seasons changing


That's the sound of you smashing the 30,000 hits mark on this blog! Massive high fives people, thank you so much for your ongoing support. You are all totally ace.

I am somewhat of a sleepy lady this evening as I have been doing a little bit of gallivanting. Which included getting my bike out for the first time in 10 years(!) This afternoon I washed it, pumped the tyres, and rode it around the garden....(I'm not quite ready for the roads of Saltford yet...) It was all really rather fun. I think I need to take it for an MOT at the bike shop or something, and maybe get a nice little bell. I used to have a Dennis the Menace bell actually, but that seems to have disappeared....Luckily I haven't grown since I was 13 so the bike still fits me, AND its purple, double bonus.

 What also seems to be exciting today is the fact I'm actually enjoying the sunshine. This time last year I hated sunny days. They made everything worse and I just wanted the grey clouds to come back and swallow me up. Everyone would say, "At least its sunny!" And I would think, you have no idea how I feel because I actually prefer the rain or just give me darkness. Sunshine somehow links to happiness and I hated being reminded that others were happy, or that I should be happy. Now I've reached a point when it doesn't matter either way. I am indifferent to the weather, I've stopped thinking about how the weather should make me feel, and instead just concentrate on what I'm feeling. Does that make sense? Maybe indifferent is the wrong word....I'm not doing a very good job of explaining myself...

 I think this year my eyes have been opened. Its like I'm seeing the beauty of seasons for the first time. Despite all the coldness and darkness of winter, it brings forth the warmth and hope of spring. Winter is the time when everything goes to sleep, animals, plants, even we want to hibernate, as we try and  spend more time cosied up in the warmth.

 Nature needs to sleep, and winter is a time to rest and heal. Just like humans, nature cannot perform at full strength all year round, its impossible. I think that as a society we can sometimes forget this. We are pressurised into thinking we should be out there 'doing' all year round. Whether its climbing up the career ladder, or making our homes more presentable, whatever it is, we forget that like the outside world around us, we need to take time out. Our bodies need a break, time out to reboot, to re-energise. And winter is the perfect opportunity for this. Its too cold to go whizzing around outside anyway! I know that I'm waffling and its coming to the end of winter what I'm writing is a bit pointless....but I will carry on regardless!

I just believe that we should take more time out to connect to the changing seasons, and most importantly not to beat ourselves up when life gets difficult. We don't have to 'keep on going'  we can take a break. I remember once when I was going through a breakup and went to work the next day, everyone said to me, "Its better to keep busy!" And looking back, it was the worst possible advice. Not only did I have the stress and emotion of the relationship ending, but I also had the added pressure of my job. What I needed was space and time. To adjust, to sort my head out, and to get things back into perspective. But it was totally impossible.

Whether its winter, spring or summer, life is always going to be full of change. Endings and beginnings are imminent, and we need to be able to listen to our bodies. To hear the inner voice when it can no longer cope. To block out outside pressures of work, family, friends, the media, and to have the confidence to do what is right for you. Its scary and like the winter storms, things often get worse before they get better. But like the first snowdrops that peep through the hard frost, a little bit of hope will get you through.


Thursday, 22 March 2012

an open(ish) book

It was great to have a little nugget of good news yesterday, but the stress and anxiety that led up to the appointment resulted in migraine overload this morning. MASSIVE OUCH.

However, I did somehow manage to drag my ass down to the gym...And despite my weariness and pain I was forced onto the treadmill by my personal (torture) trainer. Such a meanie. I'm quietly giggling to myself actually he has started to read my blog, so I need to make sure I don't say anything either too complimentary (he will get a big head and think he has won in the battle to get me into exercise) or too mean (he will punish me by making me go on the treadmill again!) That's the trouble about this blog writing, I forget that people do read it and my life sometimes is an open book. No secrets for Susie. Well, not many anyway...! Haha.


I've been going through all my paintings and art stuff this afternoon. Seeing all my paintings together, its like a looking at the past year through crazy paint and  manic colour. Does that make sense? It does to me. As well as my life drawing class I've been working on some abstract work at home recently. They're paintings with an element of 3D in them using wire. They're based on doodles that I draw everywhere, and instead of using a biro I have built up layers in paint, resulting in hundreds of spirals. Kind of hard to explain. But they are so relaxing to paint, I love making them. When they're finished I might pop a few pics up on here.

 I put a few photos up of my work on facebook today and was astonished at the positive comments that I received. People are so kind and encouraging. Because I know I'm not a good painter or talented at drawing, but what I do have is energy and passion. I get SO excited when I get an idea for something, an instant high that I try prolong for as long as possible.

Anyway I'm wittering on about the same old crap...

...apologies....oh no I'm not going to say sorry actually, this is my blog and I can write what I want! haha!!


Oh and this is just an ink study from life was one of about 3 studies that I actually liked and didn't rip up and throw away, hurrah!

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Hip hip horray!

Psychiatrist appointment went well today!!! I was so worried and anxious about it I got myself into a right old state! Thought I was going to be violently sick/or my head was going to explode in pain due to ridiculous migraine, but I'm still in one piece!

He was pleased with my progress and encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing!

Hurrah, I think I'm making progress!

I quite like all these exclamation marks!

Enough said!


p.s...note to self...try to remember this feeling...!

Tuesday, 20 March 2012


Theres a certain song in the charts at the moment that I can't get out of my head. Every time I put the radio on it seems to be playing and I can't help but sing along as loud as I possibly can...It makes me want to jump around, scream, hit something, do a little dance, shake my head in a crazy way, and then jump around some more.

It makes me feel strong. And thats a pretty weird feeling for me to have because I'm something of a weakling. I have weedy little arm muscles, and as a bit of boxercise proved today, I'm totally crap at punching. I get tired ridiculously tired all the time, and sometimes wonder if a pensioner has better stamina than me.

But theres something about this song that reminds me that I'm stronger than I realise. That every day, I get up (well, not every day...) and try to fight the black dog. Sometimes its just by managing to get out of my pyjamas, another day it might be getting out of the house, or helping someone else, even just chatting to someone and smiling...each time I do something other than crawling into a ball and feeling the darkness consume me I'm showing some strength. But I'm going to beat myself up about the times when this does happen. Thats the nature of my illness, and sometimes hiding in my duvet is the only option. 

And most of the time I dont feel strong. Black dog feels like its winning 99% of the time, because he's a right bastard and likes me to feel weak. He doesnt like it when I'm strong enough to put him on a lead.

So Mr Guetta, thank you for this song, its drowning out the barking.


titanium [taɪˈteɪnɪəm]
(Chemistry / Elements & Compounds) a strong malleable white metallic element, which is very corrosion-resistant and occurs in rutile and ilmenite. It is used in the manufacture of strong lightweight alloys, esp aircraft parts. Symbol: Ti; atomic no.: 22; atomic wt.: 47.88; valency: 2, 3, or 4; relative density: 4.54; melting pt.: 1670±10°C; boiling pt.: 3289°C

David Guetta feat Sia, Titanium

You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

Monday, 19 March 2012

8 faces 1 day

7:38 alarm clock...grumpy face.

10:16 life drawing begins...creative face.

11:16 fag break...satisfied face.

14:00 waiting at the hairdressers...normal(ish) face.

16:48 finished at the hairdressers....lovely hair face.

18:02 chilli for tea...yukky face.

18:32 headache gets worse...painful face

19:28 writing blog...frustrated face.


Sunday, 18 March 2012

the usual and unusual witterings

A weekend neither wasted or hated. But instead, relaxed and enjoyed. Its been a while...

Currently obsessing about black and white polka dot leggings. I think its the one key item my wardrobe is missing... I used to have a pair when I was about 7 and I wore them so much until I had bits of threadbare cotton hanging around my ankles. I seem to remember they co-ordinated very well with a matching Minnie Mouse sweater...Hmm...I think finding the sweater would be too much, I don't actually want to look like a 7 year old again...but the leggings are a definite must. I have googled them and discovered where they are waiting for me...perhaps tomorrow I will make a tiny detour...

Its quite annoying how my brain likes to obsess about stuff. Whether its clothes, or listening to a certain song over and again, or replaying a conversation with someone until my mind goes crazy, or when I get a taste for a long forgotten snack and I have to eat it aSAP before I explode in frustration. Its the same with my depression too I guess, my mind feeds on my negative thought patterns, allowing them to get bigger whilst my confidence gets smaller. Its all rather irksome I must say. I'm still hoping for that brain transplant, but it seems that no-one is very keen to swop with me...(which is probably my own fault, I haven't exactly sold the product very well, instead I have slated it repeatedly!)


Mama Pig's special day today, as it is for all Mummies around the world...All mums are ace. Top banana. But I think mine is the best. And I would be totally lost without her.

It also seems to me on days like this that I think about the people who haven't got a Mum. Maybe they've never had one, or they lost her recently. Perhaps they're a Mum who has lost a child, they might of had a miscarriage or their child was tragically lost later in life. Or I think about women who desperately want to be a Mum but aren't able to conceive. This day must really stink for those people. I guess they just try and ignore it, but when we are bombarded by adverts on TV and the Internet for weeks beforehand it must be really tough...I just want to send a big hug to those people...And thinking more about it now, its strange and kind of scary to think that I might not of been here today for my own Mum...

Oh dear, wish I hadn't started thinking about all this now, brain overload, cannot register or process any more thoughts...time to zone out me thinks...!


Friday, 16 March 2012

stop the clocks

Its amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mind and body.

After 12 hours in dreamland I felt refreshed and ready to face the world. I got myself out of the house and even managed to crack a few jokes along the way, bonus!

However the short term high of my dream induced state seems to have subsided and I'm sliding back down the hill.

I can't help but feel that I'm continuing to live some weird sort of half life. Everyone else seems to be moving up, moving on, and I'm just standing still. I want to stop the clocks, give myself time to get well and catch up, but who knows how long that would ever take.

Am I a difficult person to be around?

Does my depression follow me around like a bad smell?

Am I out of sight, out of mind?

I'm not sure. But I can't stop feeling a little bit left out.


Thursday, 15 March 2012

my body is a (wobbly,knackered,unfit) temple

As predicted, after gym session 3, I have collapsed on the floor like a big lump of jelly. My limbs are about to fall off, and I can barely walk up the stairs.

Not that I'm moaning or anything.

Oh no.

I would never do that...

Experienced sweat coming off every part of my body today. Gross.

But on the plus side I got to lie on one of those big bouncy balls that look like a space hopper.

Apparently all this exercise is supposed to make me feel good. If the new definition of good is being in extreme pain and ridiculously tired, then top banana, its working.

And how did I celebrate after all my hard work? With a cigarette and a wagon wheel of course...


Wednesday, 14 March 2012

1 black dog vs multiple white huskies

Another day.

Another Wednesday.

Another day of numbness.

Another day with black dog by my side every single second.

But a message from a good friend last night, with an image that I've tried to keep in my little head...

"I wish I was a white husky dog so I could go and frighten off the black dog and kick its ass! Think of us, your friends and family, as your wolf pack! Only one black dog, but a load of us, and we'll keep you safe"

A great image... it reminds me that although sometimes I'm stupidly stubborn, independent and determined not to be rescued by anyone...I will always, always need my wolf pack!


Tuesday, 13 March 2012

black dog refusing to budge

Wish I could write an amusing little tale to make myself chuckle...but I'm sinking in the darkness that not even a dairy free chocolate snack can cure.

I be well.

I be well.

I hate....being ill.

I'm sick of......this depression.

I I I I I I I too many I's. But I hate this. Everything.

My mind, my stupid depressed mind.

Enough said.


Monday, 12 March 2012

i have to

Last year I started writing mantras. About 10 empowering sentences that I wanted to stick in my brain to encourage me and to keep the black dog away. Its something that I've blogged about quite a lot, and I don't want to bore the pants off you (or me actually...) But I'm feeling rather disheartened, low, frustrated, stuck, deflated, rubbish, worthless, useless....all the utterly rubbish words that I'm sick of writing and I'm tired of feeling.

So let me delve into the corners of my mind and see what mantras I can remember...

Hope can often hide but ALWAYS be found...

Challenge guilt, fear and failure, don't let them rule your mind...

Depression and anxiety are not signs of weakness...they are an illness...

I'm really struggling to remember the others! Eeek. Come on Susie, don't let the black dog win.

Don't forget who you are Susie...

No-one is perfect, we are all flawed...

Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, share the load...

Now is the time for self discovery...Be selfish.

OK OK I admit it, I cheated on the last 4, went back to 2011 and gave myself a reminder. Which just shows I need to say these to myself more often. I need to get them STUCK IN MY HEAD FOREVER. Which is probably a pretty impossible task, but I have to try.

I have to believe that this process is getting me ready, making some sort of a foundation for the rest of my life. In one hellish of a weird way. But I have to hold on to that. That tiny bit of hope, that somewhere out there, my life will be more than this.

Perfect song whilst writing this...beautiful words....


Sunday, 11 March 2012

shine on

This afternoon's emotional rollercoaster ride of a rugby match has left me exhausted. I had to spend the last half of the game hiding behind the sofa, making the occasional appereance to shout 'COME ON ENGLAND!' And it seemed to work. I'm sure they could here me in Paris.

And now I'm in a strange kind of mood. Not sure what to do with myself or where my head is. I don't think its in a very good place though and I can feel the black dog scratching to get in.

Fighting against it and need to remember this....


Saturday, 10 March 2012

susie and the gym

Well, my body is STILL aching in all kinds of strange places after yesterday's gym session. I think I used muscles that I didn't even know existed. Ouchy.

I should try and write a witty entry about my gym experience...but the trouble is, I've discovered the gym is quite dull really...And yes I know I've only been once, but as I was on the cross trainer, my mind was wandering all over the place, and all I had to look at was my own sweaty face in the mirror. Not fun. Why do they even put mirrors in the gym? Who really wants to see themselves looking all red faced and flustered? Very odd.

Thankfully though my gym is just at my local leisure centre so there were just lots of normal people, no posers strutting around in tank tops whilst lifting huge weights...These people are not cool.

My personal trainer seems like a good egg, and I hope he's not going to be too much of a slave driver. Although some of the machines he got me on yesterday looked like modern versions of medieval torture devices. Felt like them too.

He wants me to have two sessions with him next week...(I tried to hide my shock/surprise and think of some busy plans in my week but worse luck he noticed my big empty diary, curses...!) My body may fall apart, limbs might go flying or I maybe I'll just collapse in a heap like a big lump of jelly. I'll keep you posted.

Luckily though I did get some pink trainers to make my gym experience slightly more enjoyable. And in the battle of no make up or make up? My vanity won hands down, but I was slightly regretting my choice at the end of the hour as foundation dripped down my face. It was a little bit gross.

Ahh but despite my moaning I do think this whole gym thingy will be good for me. Mind and body working together and all that jazz.

And if all else fails, I shall take tips from one of the most ingenious music videos ever made...see below...!


Thursday, 8 March 2012

pals/mates/buddies = ace

Lovely afternoon with friends.

Really cheered me up.

Friends are ace.

Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. And I'm not really in the mood to be very profound....(actually I'm never in that mood...!) I guess I've just felt pretty lonely recently, and being with lovely caring friends just makes a huge difference. Gives me a sense of belonging. Its good to listen to others, lend my ears and give cuddles. Makes me feel needed. Laura sent me a text last week after one blog post, the text read, "I need you!! My maid of honour and best friend!!xxx"  Black dog likes to make my brain forget these things, but today I have been reminded. Which is superace.

I really need to stop writing and brush my teeth and get ready because I'm off out again. BUT I don't think I'm getting my words out properly and my brain is niggling.

Oh well time is flying and I must dash.

But perhaps I should insert another big THANK YOU  to all my friends and family. I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough times for all your encouragement and support.

You're all supersacefantastic.

Spread the word peeps. Tell a pal that they're superacefantastic tonight.

I reckon you'll get a smile.

And smiles shrink black dog....... smiles kick that beast away...moooohahaha!!


Wednesday, 7 March 2012

short wednesday



Cretins on the telephone.


Hot flush.

Boiling hot.

Sweat pouring off forehead.


Cigarette to the rescue.



Wagon wheel.

Sugar rush.

Huge hill.

No breath.

Near to collapsing.




Tuesday, 6 March 2012

strange brains today has featured...horrifying nightmares that refuse to leave my mind, and even more housework...

But during this spring cleaning I've also delved into my cupboards over the past few days and discovered my ukulele and old flute... I was bought the uke a few years ago. I've always wanted to play the guitar but my hands are ridiculously tiny and I could never make them stretch enough for the chords. Massive sad face. But the uke suits me, and its pretty easy to play. I've picked it up again quite quickly, just need to work on my rhythm. And remembering to tune it. An out of tune uke sounds pretty awful. Like a violated Hawaiian bird being put it a cooking pot or something.

The flute I haven't played for probably about 10 years...maybe more...not really sure if I like the sound or not...but again I'm surprised that I can remember how to play. How weird is the brain? Or maybe that should be, how weird is my brain?! Actually, I used to be a fairly competent flute player, I think I even did grade 4...but I seem to have left my technical ability behind. Enjoyed knocking out a few Beatles tunes this afternoon though.

And now I just feel kind of....harrumph (translates as a huge sigh with an equally big grumpy face whilst sticking bottom lip out and shrugging shoulders...) Well, to be honest, I've felt like that all day really. Its been a massive effort to keep going. The black dog refuses to disappear at the moment.


Monday, 5 March 2012


Just had a quick flick through some of my entries for March 2011 and I've discovered a spooky coincidence. On March 2nd 2011 I challenged my fears and went into Bristol for the first time. On March 2nd 2012 I summoned up superhuman strength again and went into Bath for the first time. Isn't that weird? World of the strange....ooooo...Please insert some sci fi xfiles type music here....

Its encouraging to see how things have moved on since last year. But also frustrating because some things haven't changed at all. Tiredness, lack of stamina and general exhaustion haven't improved at all really. And its so frustrating. My body literally just shuts down after any kind of interaction, or outing, or a period of concentration. I'm so sick of it! Although, I'm also eternally grateful to the person who invented diet coke, I am forever in your debt.

Its sad as well reading previous entries when I mention my little pooch Bella. I miss her so much. I think people expect me to have gotten over her dying by now, but I miss her every single day. Its so empty without her. She keeps on appearing in my dreams at the moment.

Anyway my writing tonight is pretty appalling and I am forever repeating myself so I must stop.

The good news is that my art class today went exceedingly better than last weeks...(I didn't rip my work up this time...) In fact, I could even say, I was almost pleased with my work...SHOCK HORROR!


Sunday, 4 March 2012

30 seconds of confusion


Susanna Ruth.

Stop procrastinating and write something.

Oh dear, I think I scared myself then by using my full name.

And I still can't get whats in my head onto the page because I keep on getting distracted and my mind is whirling, whizzing, spinning.... on to the next thing, and the next....

My brain goes something like this....

 "Why why why? Who's that? I want to get away. I need to wash my hair. Oo is it going to rain tomorrow. I dont want to go to counselling on tuesday. Shit bugger. Fag fag fag. Drink please. Wine please. Oh no there isnt any. I want to party. I cant stop wearing my grey hoody again. Ooo bed will feel good later. art class, do i want to go, yes. not early. oh not early. rip up work. argggh. so shit at drawing. rubbish. everything you try you fail. fail fail fail. anything good on telly tonight? shall i watch upstairs downstairs, gave me nightmares last 2 weeks thinking about the war and poor jewish children. hate having nightmares. always running, hiding. tired. "

And thats all in the space of about 30 seconds....

I think I need to relax, bathtime perhaps??


Saturday, 3 March 2012

+1 -10

Grumpy chops Sooz.

Frustrated Sooz.

Lonely Sooz.

I want to go and celebrate my progress......but is there anyone to go out with???

The computer says no.

The phone says no.

I was on a high, I wanted to try and make it last....but its impossible to do that on your own. And now I'm back in the bottomless dark pit.

Sorry, this sounds so self indulgent. It seems like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I'm not. Maybe this is where I deserve to be. I dont know. I'm just totally fed up. One step forward, and ten back again.


Friday, 2 March 2012

mini gold medal please?

So.........if you follow me on twitter, you will already know that I've done the impossible today and jumped over 2 hurdles. Big wows, hurrahs, hoorays, whoops and yays!

They may seem like stupidly simple tasks, but for me, they were a big deal.

Firstly I finished filling in the nasty nasty medical form that the benefit people send me. Its utterly hopeless for anyone suffering from a mental illness as it is almost entirely aimed at people with physical ailments. Honestly I would love to slap any of those big plonkers in suits who made the form up, complete twits. Its taken me about 3 weeks to fill in, and I've had to have my support worker  helping me every step of the way. I would have been lost without her! My eczema has been increasingly worse the past week, and I'm sure its related to the stress of that mean form. Anyway, its done now, and I can forget about it! Another big wahooo!

Oh and the second thing, was an impulsive decision that's harder to explain. Its also a long story. I'll try my best to shorten it (mainly because I don't want to bore myself...ha!)

I live half way between Bath and Bristol. I worked in Bath for about 3 and a half years. Until today the last time I stepped foot in the centre of Bath was 16th December 2010, the day I was signed off work. I have previously flatly refused to go to Bath, paralysed just thinking about it. Thinking about it would make me feel sick, and actually it still kind of does. It just fills me with horror, reminding me of my past life, and terrified of bumping into people I used to know. Anyway, I have recently made bits of progress, and said to myself that if I needed to go in, I would. I just don't really need to, as I'm always in Bristol. Does that make sense? Basically I wasn't willing to force myself into doing something just for the sake of it, and I still feel the same.

 Today though, Mama and Papa pig told me they were going for lunch in the Bath Pump Rooms as they had some vouchers....and I thought...hmmm... stay at home and dwell on despair, or go and have a tasty lunch? The lunch won! Papa pig also promised a trip to a bargain trainer shop (I bought some pink ones...he he) Papa pig also reassured me that he would look after me, and he kept his promise, holding my hand every step of the way. Yes, I may look a big baby holding my Dad's hand, I know I'm nearly 26 and not 6...but it helped me, so who cares!

Three glasses of prosecco were enjoyed, and we toasted my mini triumph.

More big hurrahs all round.


Thursday, 1 March 2012

marching into march?

Once again struggling to keep my eyes open.

Ridiculously excited about having a lie in tomorrow (insert mini whoop here...)

This week seems to be dragging its heels...and I'm hating getting up at a normal time each day. That's the trouble with my routine, I actually have to move my arse out of bed. Starting the day wrestling with my duvet is never fun (honestly, its such a sneaky devil, it wraps me up like a cocoon and I'm completely helpless...!)

Finally had my first appointment with my personal trainer this afternoon. I was pretty nervous, so had to have the inevitable cigarette outside the leisure centre (I'm not the greatest advert for fitness...) But it went really well and he is going to do whatever personal trainers with me for the next 6 weeks. He asked if I had any goals....little bit of a difficult question for me, but I decided that just helping my general stamina improve would be ace. And if I get abs like Rhianna in the process, well that's just a bonus.

When I'd spoken to him on the phone he had a strangely ********** voice, but my friends assured me this means nothing. How ****** they were! Oh ****, its going to be tricky ************** with ** ******* standing ***** ** **..   (content deleted due to the fact I'm now friends with my trainer on facebook and I dont want him to read this!)

I really need to dig out some trainers actually. Not entirely sure that I have any...although I have a massive shoe collection, they're not always the most practical. Ooo I've got my converse, can you wear those in the gym? They're kind of trainer things I think...or maybe they're pumps. Hmm need to research this footwear dilemma. I dont really want to buy any...unless you can get pink trainers? That would be pretty snazzy. I dont want big ugly gym looking things on my feet, but pink would bring in an element of Sooz...and it would help me enjoy going if I had nice shoes to wear. I know that sounds weird, but hey, that's just me. Its all in the (pink) detail. Ha!