Thursday, 31 May 2012

geek chic

Thursday is the day that I'm allowed to release my inner geek. Although according to Ben, I'm a goon not a geek...Whatever that means. Just as long as I'm not that annoying girl Andy out of the Goonies film. She is intolerable. Anyway, geek or goon I don't mind, I just love getting my little folder and books out and pretending to be a student again.

I wear my glasses and rucksack with pride as I march off down the road on a Thursday. I even asked for extra homework last week. That's how much my geekiness took a hold of me. I love it.

In the morning class we are studying Twelfth Night, which is one of my favourite plays, and in the afternoon we're looking at Baths social history and literature. Its all through the W.E.A which I know I've mentioned before, and is a really top banana organisation.

I'm still the youngest member of each class. And some of the older members do continue to look down their noses at me on occasion. But it doesn't bother me anymore. At least I don't have grey hair and I don't smell of wee. Oh does that sound mean? Maybe. Nothing against the grey haired generation, just don't like posh old women being mean to me, probably brings back bad memories of when I was working...

Anyway, what I do really like is using my noggin. My brain. The lump of stuff on top of my neck. I worry that it's turning to jelly, and needs to be stretched a bit more. I don't want anymore brain cells dying. I remember someone telling me  that every time you drink alcohol you lose 10 brain cells...not sure if it's true, but it scared me anyway..I think I heard a similar rumour about every time you bang your head some of your brain cells fall out..and I bang my head whilst drinking alcohol A LOT, so I should really start being more careful. Hence the reason for the courses! Ha. It all balances out I'm sure...

I also really miss being a student. And not because I want to be 19 again and do some crazy drinking challenges, but because I miss learning. I love discovering new things, it gives me such a buzz. I miss writing essays and being challenged. Insert big sigh here. Dare I admit that I even sat on a patch of the University of Bristol's lawn today in an attempt to feel like a scholar again? Insert another big sigh.

I'm sounding a bit like a loser now.

But I guess we all have stuff that presses our buttons and gets us excited.

And here is a photo purely for your entertainment of me sporting some vaguely hilarious geek chic glasses...


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

whats up?

Tired and hungry.

But too early for bed.

And too lazy to make myself any tea.

Think a bowl of coco pops are on the cards. Maybe a bubble bath as well...then I can begin to drift away to dreamland.

Well I can try anyway.. I've been having really bad nightmares this week, so I keep on waking up just not feeling relaxed. Starting the day in a manic mood is not ideal. I always wake up so suddenly, half trapped in my nightmare, with my heart pounding and palms sweating. Its bloody horrible.

And then it makes me scared to go to sleep. Which, when you're exhausted is really annoying, and it makes me sound about 6 years old, not 26.

God, I'm such a moaning minnie tonight. Apologies. I think have too much stuff in my brain again and not sure how to sift through it. Or even where to start. I just know I have this weird kind of manic energy and  feeling that I can't really put my finger on. And I'm trying to fight against it, but its a little tricky when I'm not entirely sure what I'm up against...

I think a bowl of coco pops really is the answer..and maybe a jog?

Ooh noooo that would be a little too active for a Wednesday night...calm down Sooz, don't go too crazy!


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

open your eyes

Sometimes I stare at this screen and I have so many thoughts whizzing round my brain I just don't know where to start.

There are some emotions and stuff in my life that I can write about so easily now. But there are still some boxes of stuff lodged at the back of my brain. Actions and feelings that I know I need to deal with, but its easier to just ignore them. I repeatedly push them to one side in the hope that they will magically fade away. I know they won't though. My life is not a fairytale and I don't have a magic wand (not for lack of trying though...)

This morning I woke up under a black cloud and I could feel so much negative energy trying to take hold of me. Luckily though, some bright spark had suggested I go for a bike ride. And so that's what I did. I actually dragged my miserable arse out of bed and got pedalling.

Despite being overtaken by several OAP's on the cycle track (not a great confidence boost) I actually kind of enjoyed it. Well, maybe not enjoyed, but it felt really satisfying anyway. I tried to focus my mind on other things, in an attempt to fight against the black dog. By concentrating my mind on the amazing colours that I was surrounded by, I was able to transfer my negative energy into something else.

I reckon most of us walk around with our eyes closed 90% of the time... just not seeing how much beauty is around us...

 I'm a bit weird in the fact that I can find things like industrial buildings beautiful in cities, especially when you get a really old building next to something groundbreakingly modern, I LOVE that.

Or what about the way the sun can make someones skin look, illuminating certain colours. Eyes are a constant source of beauty too, I am obsessed with eyes. What else. Oh yeh hands, they can be so beautiful. Not mine, cuz they're really chubby, but proper working hands I love, hands that tell a story.

 Bridges are pretty awesome too, like big metal bridges, amazingly beautiful. And the sky, and clouds, wow, so beautiful. So many colours. I know I'm wittering...but when I'm feeling like shit it really helps to open my eyes wide and look for something beautiful....


Monday, 28 May 2012


STILL loving the sunshine.

This is progress, and I like it.

I feel strangely energised and bouncy.

Like a giant orange space hopper.

Had to stop myself ripping off all my clothes and running through the Bristol fountains today...

Would of been tremendously fun..but potentially, a little dangerous...!


Sunday, 27 May 2012

be still

Heard this song today...

Press play.


And then listen again.

Be still.

You might like it. You might hate it.

You might think its a load of crap.

You might just feel something resonating. I dont know.

I just know how scarily real the lyrics are for me. How I now look back to last September and shudder with fear at how ill I was.

But the song is reassurringly hopeful too. It encourages me to have faith that I'm being looked after by something stronger and more mysterious than I can ever realise.

"Be Still" The Fray
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Saturday, 26 May 2012

my secret life

Every weekend in the Independent magazine they interview a different celeb/personality. A few simple questions with interesting answers. So, it may be my not so secret life, but I quite enjoyed interviewing myself anyway....!


'Having the widest feet in the world is irritating'

Susie Piggott, 26, Blogger, Painter..or what you will

My parents were... always making me laugh, always encouraging me, always accepting me, and being the best role models I could hope for.

The household I grew up in... was changeable but full of love. Six different houses, and as many schools. My Dad has always worked for the church, and it still cracks me up when I tell people and see the look on their faces. Obviously I'm not a typical clergyman's daughter!

When I was a child I wanted to be...  an actress. I wanted to live on a canal barge with a Jack Russell and have a red sports car.

If I could change one thing about myself...  I would make my feet thinner. Having the widest feet in the world is irritating. Especially when you're in primary school and you want the magic key shoes, but you're stuck with the ugliest black lace ups because they're the only pair your fat feet fit into.

You wouldn't know but I'm very good at... this is the hardest question! I guess I can make a pretty good roast dinner...lemon and garlic chicken with crispy potatoes.

You may not know but I'm no good at... maths. I spent most of my time chatting to boys when I was supposed to be learning about triangles or whatever it is they teach.

I wish I had never worn... a bright yellow and blue Nike puffa jacket when I was about 13, I thought I was super cool, but on my first day at my new school I looked like a giant moron.

What I see when I look in the mirror... someone who I'm slowly beginning to recognise.

I drive... a bike? Does that count? I can't drive, and its a constant irritation because I know I will ever be able to do it! Mind you, I am saving the world by reducing my carbon footprint...

My house is... quite big! Ha, but it doesn't belong to me, or my parents! I would love to have my own little pad.

A book that changed me... The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, probably because it was the first book that took me to another world.

My favourite building... The Tate Modern in London. It is an oxymoron of beauty. As soon as I spot it I feel excited and passionate. I love spinning in the turbine hall and sitting for hours in the Rothko room. I always feel peaceful and happy there.

The last album I bought... was probably something really cheesy from a charity shop as I love a bargain and can't resist buying music that reminds me of when I was younger.

My greatest regret... is not keeping in contact with people I love. Sorry, I'm crap.

The person who really makes me laugh is... aside from my friends and family it has to be Peter Kay.

Whats the point? Love, hope, joy, faith and beauty.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

5 tiny lines

Right. Stop faffing around and write something down Susie.

I want to feel INSPIRED and write something HEARTFELT, WITTY and MEANINGFUL....

Trouble is, my glass of wine and cigarette are calling me....



Wednesday, 23 May 2012

witterings on wednesday

Blogging late at night is never the best idea. You're a bit more sleepy, and your mind is in some kind of limbo... Thoughts seem to dance in front of your eyes even more than usual. Some sinking in, others lingering for a few minutes, and a dozen more darting around like little maniac racing cars....  But I didn't want to go to bed without scribbling a few things down...Even if I'm talking absolute bollocks...

Actually, now I'm not even writing anything, I'm stupidly looking at photos on facebook. I really should stop doing that. Never makes me feel good. Well, sometimes it does. But generally it brings up those horrible mean twins; 'jealousy' and 'envy'. Yuk. Don't like those twinnies. They can go away now please. They're always joined by their friend 'comparison' too. Whom I equally don't like.

Why do I have to compare my life with others? I don't know. Its irritating.

Why am I envious of other people? Again, I don't know. But I think its because they're all probably having an AWESOME time (small hint of sarcasm there...)

But honestly, I really piss myself off when the twins come along and sit next to me making my brain go a bit funny and lopsided.

Because they make other peoples lives seem perfect, and happy, and amazing, and everything, but in reality....thats probably not 100% true.

In fact, if I was good at maths, I could probably work out the statistics and tell you that statistically, at some point, rubbish stuff happens in everyones lives. Yeh. Must get that maths up to scratch then I can have some scientific proof.

Now I'm worrying I sound mean...Do I sound mean?

Think I just want to reassure myself that no-one really has got it 'sorted'. (If you have, I will come and poke you with a large stick.)

And perhaps, its quite exciting that we never know whats round the corner, whether it be good or bad. It could be an ice cream van giving away screwball scrambles (which for me, would actually be bad, as I'm allergic to dairy....) OR it could be a giant new shoe shop with a massive sale on (if you didn't have feet, this would probably be  a bit rubbish for you...)


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

lazy sunny susie

Massively ignoring my huge list of things to do, I gave into temptation and spent the majority of my day sunbathing.


Little bit naughty really.

But very fun.

And like any other Brit, when the sun is shining, you have to make the most of it...Could be snowing next week. You never know.

Made the tiniest errors in judgement though...I neglected to wear any suncream. Another whoops.

But considering there was a time not too long ago when I couldn't even bare to be outside in the sunshine, man alive, have I made progress.

This year I'm actually looking forward to my summer.

 I can't wait to wear all my summer clothes (finally) and begin sporting my sunglasses. Especially my new pink aviators (thanks Char!) Oh and I'm also looking forward to eating dinner outside.... Not freezing my ass off when having a cigarette.... Maybe going on holiday...Having more time sunbathing..and generally being brown again instead of pasty pasty white....Drinking pimms and cold cider....

Ooo the Euro football thing, looking forward to that too...Bit bored of the olympics already so thats not on my list...hopefully turning my garage into a little studio and producing some new work...I've got loads of ideas in my head at the moment, mostly involving lots of bold bright colours so I should really go and get painting....

I've gone off on a tangent again havent I? Ha...

Nevermind. Must go and cover my burnt bits in aloe now. Ouchy.


Monday, 21 May 2012

happy pictures

Every picture tells a story.

And when you're looking through all the photos you've been tagged in over the years on facebook, some of those stories look a little bit worse for wear.

Sometimes I look at photos of myself from years gone by, and I can barely recognise the face staring back at me. The smile may be there, but the eyes are hiding the truth.

I'm always a bit snap happy with my camera, but I rarely like pictures of myself. I'm the first to pick out any flaws or imperfections. A stray bit of hair, a crazy look in my eye, an outfit that doesn't quite work, a spot that I haven't managed to cover up...all these things can distort my view, and I forget even what was happening when the picture was taken. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. And its really rather an irksome habit, wouldn't you say??

So now, as time continues to move on and I try each day to fight the black dog, I've picked out a few recent photos that I don't mind. Or even better than that, I quite like. And the reason I like them, is because I look HAPPY. Truly happy. Not a fake kind of happy, or a drunk kind of happy. But a real kind of Mr Happy, from the Mr Men books kind of happy.

Yeah. That guy has got it sorted. Maybe I should just paint my body bright yellow and see if some of those vibes rub off on me...ha. Anyway, I have diverted from the point (as usual) and here are a few pictures.....

Me riding the big wheel in Bristol on my birthday. Shit scared and loving it.

My love of all things American, makes me very happy.
 Especially when I'm being crazy with Cat on my birthday.

Old friends getting married is ace.
Love the feeling of being happy for someone else, its addictive!

One from Saturday night.
I love being silly with my best friends.


Sunday, 20 May 2012

rewind, pause and REPEAT!

Someone told me this weekend that I seemed like the 'old Susie' again.

This made me smile like a giant panda who's just tucked into a fresh new stick of bamboo.

A delicious moment.

A moment worth savouring.


Friday, 18 May 2012


It continues to amaze me, even after all this time, that I'm still getting new people reading my blog...... From looking at my blog statistics, I can track where in the world people are accesing my blog. (I'm starting to sound like a technology geek...ha how ironic..!)

Obviously my biggest readership is in the UK, and after that its America, Australia, Russia, Thailand, France and New Zealand. I could copy and paste the most recent facts and figures but I'm beginning to bore myself now... Because what I really wanted to say was, a big  HELLO to my readers in Guatemala, China and Slovenia! I don't know who you are, but I'm excited that you've come along for the ride....

I'm currently bouncing off the walls with excitement, as I wait for some of my favourite people to arrive. Its going to be a very fun weekend.

The fridge is stocked, the house is cleaned....the alcohol is ready to be consumed....and all I have to do is wait....and stop looking at the clock....!

Bring it....on


Thursday, 17 May 2012

raspberry jelly brain

Realising yet again just how much time I can waste on the Internet.

 I think I have perfected the art of procrastination. I thought I had mastered it during my time as a student, but nope, I have now taken it to a new level.

 A level which allows me to perform several forms of procrastination at the same time. Multi-procrastination if you will.

 I can text, shuffle through songs on youtube, look at some delicious new shoes on ASOS, whilst continuing to look at a random acquaintances photos on facebook AND doing the thing that I was supposed to be doing. Which by this point, I have completely forgotten. So, if anyone needs to be distracted, please let me know, I'll give you some tips.

But what is it that I should really be doing?

Probably eating something actually. That's the trouble with procrastination, it makes me forget meals.

Hmm, I'm sure I should be emailing someone, or checking something really important. I'm so tired though my brain has just gone to raspberry jelly and as you can probably tell, I'm struggling to make any sense...!


Wednesday, 16 May 2012

discovering my ninja powers

Massive neglect of the blog. Whoops.

Well, maybe I'm being a little critical of myself (just for a change...) I only missed out yesterday after all.

And was Tuesday 15th May different from any other day in my dull life? Nope. I spent most of it in bed. Another whoops. I really didn't mean to sleep for 12 hours. Honestly. The bed kidnapped me and I was practically forced to sleep....Black dog forced me.

He's been in control a lot recently. Just haven't had the energy to fight him. He barks in the morning. Telling me not to bother getting up. That I'm worthless. He barks when I get dressed. Telling me I look shit in everything. He barks when I go to my literature class. Telling me not to offer my comments or suggestions, that nothing I have to say is worth listening to.


I really need to get away from him. I need a break from his barking, its driving me crazy.

OOO which reminds me, I have an exciting weekend coming up. My favourite girls are coming to stay, and they are just ACE at chasing the black dog away. They're like my anti black dog protection unit. Armed with tasty snacks, hugs, laughter and wine (of course..!) Oh yes. Susie is starting to get excited!

Kapow! Karate chop! Take that black dog, I am busting you with my ninja moves now.


Monday, 14 May 2012

dawsons geek

Listening to a dreary love song circa 1995 reminiscent of Dawson's creek era, probably isn't the best of ideas. In fact anything to do with Dawson's creek is a bad idea really. Someone should confiscate my stash of DVDs, because I don't think they're improving my mood.

Wallowing in melodrama is a repetitive theme down at the creek. What with love triangles, hurricane force storms (yes really, Pacey nearly died!) and Dawson's obsession with, oh everything dreary, I should stop watching it. But I don't. I get sucked in.

I understand Paceys insecurity, and his fear of failing. I like the fact that Andi is on anti depressants too (although she's gone to Italy for a mini break at present, damn her.) I like it that everyone is wearing slightly odd clothes and out of date hairstyles. No-one is tanned or perfect looking, in fact, some of them look a little odd (eg...Dawson..) Every conversation within relationships is analysed and taken apart piece by piece. This makes me feel less crazy, because that's what I do!

Oh its all just too good, honestly. It is.

 Or maybe, maybe, I am just stuck in the past. Watching programmes that remind me of a time in my life that I was happy. Content. Torturing myself in the knowledge that I can't get back to that place.


Sunday, 13 May 2012

housebunny vs black dog

After your 3 year old nephew has gone home, leaving a weeks worth of crumbs on the floor, there is only one option. Let the obsessive clean freak that you've been repressing all week be released. And after thats knackered you out, get back into your bed and watch a truely hilarious film.

Yes its girly, yes its cheesy, but there are some excellent laugh out loud moments, and today, thats just what I needed. My mind and body are still feeling decidely under the weather, and this film just took black dog away from me for a little while....

Not seen housebunny? Well heres a snippet.....


Saturday, 12 May 2012

even through the loudest storm, you can still hear a whisper

I've always got a couple of books on the go, I can't even attempt to sleep without having a little read. My own shitty reality shifts, and I can take myself away, deep into the pages of someone elses world...

Presently, I'm reading, 'The Heartbreaker' by Susan Howatch. My mum recommended it to me as a good novel, and I've found I can't put it down. I'm not going to give you a plot summary blah blah blah...instead I'm just going to scribble down a few quotes that SHOUTED at me as I was reading them...

...And whatever you do, don't lose hope...

...So I sit there, clutching on to hope with both hands. But at last I stand up. It's time to be active. It's time to work at my own rescue. It's time to start swimming in the shark infested sea...

..I feel as if I'm standing in a desert after the rains have arrives for the first time in years, and I know the tap marked HOPE has been turned all the way on...

(Taken from The Heartbreaker by Susan Howatch)


Friday, 11 May 2012

beaky sooz

Feeling a bit beaky this evening.

And for those of you not familiar with the word beaky, it doesn't mean I've temporarily turned into a duck. I'm just a bit achy and tired. Want to nest in my bed with a hot water bottle and something to cuddle.

Unfortunately it has to be something and not someone. But never mind. I may be 26 but I still have a good stash of teddy bears...

Perhaps watch a comforting DVD and put my dressing gown on. Drink some warm lemon squash and have a bubble bath.

Oh dear I'm sounding terribly granny-ish... Not good. Someone take me to a rave and pierce my belly button quick, before I get trapped in old lady land.

But its been a strange old week, and I don't feel very settled. I still haven't got back into my routine. And I do love my routine. Change does not suit my poorly brain. Also, I think I may have pushed myself so much last weekend that its just sapped all my energy up. Which is rather annoying. Its so frustrating when I push myself, manage to achieve something, but then have a huge dip afterwards. Very frustrating.


Thursday, 10 May 2012

mini rage

According to my 3 year old nephew, I'm a cracker with cheese on top.

Sums me up pretty well, don't you think?

Who needs psychoanalysis when you've got kids around....

And I was going to write more, but I've just spent an hour helping to edit a document for someone........and now the computer has deleted it. ARGH. I know these things keep happening to me, but I didn't press (or not press) anything. Honestly. Its these computers. They have it in for me. They like to gang up on me and laugh at me sometimes. Bastards. Bet they're friends with black dog too.


Wednesday, 9 May 2012


Aside from the fact that Madonna is a little bit of a nutcase, this video kind of writes my blog for me today.

The words, imagery, choreography and distinct lack of colour all seem to resonate.


Tuesday, 8 May 2012


Unsettled and uncomfortable.

 ...These are not very good 'uns'. But its the way I'm feeling tonight....

 ...Also feeling like I may throw up in a minute...I know I need to eat, but its so hard...

Anyway, starting to wonder now if there are any good 'uns'?

Unhappy, uninterested...a couple more that suit my mood.

 What else is there? Unable? Yep, I've felt like that quite a lot today. Which is a particularly annoying and frustrating feeling. Reminds me of my failings and inability to do normal stuff. Ugh.

Mm lets think of more... unattractive... Oh yes that's a good one for me too, with my crazy bird like hair and sallow skin.

Uncertain, unclear. Yes and yes again.

I promise I'm trying to think of positive 'un' words. But I just don't think they exist.


Monday, 7 May 2012

funny random sooz brain

Why I even attempt to write this when I'm tired baffles me. Yet I keep on doing it. I keep writing about how sleepy I am, and how I'm spurting out quite a lot of drivel. Ah well. Maybe I'm just a fan of repetition...Or maybe I just never learn my lessons. Hmm. Don't like that sentence actually...Because it might just be true..Ooo scary thought...And making me think that I do always make the same mistakes. Urgh. Its becuase I always fail. I start things and dont finish them. Or I just cant do them in the first place. Argh dont like these thoughts, go away... Lets change them QUICK....!!!

I was thinking I should put some pics up on here actually...not tonight though, but soon I will. Just to prove to everyone that I have got out of the house, out of my grey hoody and SMILED! Yeah. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it black dog.

Talking of smoking....I still havent attempted giving up. I've thought about it. But it just doesn't seem like a fun task. More like a stressful pulling out my hair kind of task. Maybe next year....

Oh I want to listen to a really amazing song...

Oh I'm in a crazy mood tonight......!


Sunday, 6 May 2012

remember this feeling





Can't think of any more words to describe the zombie like induced state I'm in....


It was worth it.


A beautiful wedding...and I wish I could bottle up the happiness I feel for the special couple and keep it forever. Especially for when that black dog starts barking, it could be a very useful tool....


Friday, 4 May 2012

Little bit zoned out

Attempting to write tonights entry on Lesley's fancy I mean iPad. Yes that's right. My technology skills have never been top notch. And I can't work out how to make the screen bigger. Therefore it's squint central for Susie... A busy weekend awaits me....a wedding and a birthday BBQ....catching up with old friends and hopefully sharing some giggles too.. Pretty knackered at the moment though,and mostly looking forward to getting in my bed. My mind is so full of images and feelings tonight but I'm struggling to identify the wheat from the chaff. Xxx

Thursday, 3 May 2012

pop this on the box

I watch too much TV.


My eyes are going square and I'm coming out with phrases such as, "Well, thats a bit like the situation on Corrie at the moment..." Oh dear.

I even managed to iron my finger today as I was so engrossed in a lie detector result on Jeremy Kyle. (I know, I really need to get out more..)

But among the drivel of daytime TV that I am trying to ween myself away from, something interesting popped on the box earlier.

Click on the link above and take 30 mins out of your day to discover a little bit more about depression.

 This programme focuses primarily on the male species, and the difficulties that they have in asking for help. There are some scary statistics, and also some thought provoking insights from both sufferers and family members.

No matter what gender or age you are, the programme highlights that anyone is at risk of suffering from this nasty, shitty, horrible illness of depression.

Its reminded me that I haven't bought this on myself, that I'm not weak, and most of all, that there is hope for all of us.


Wednesday, 2 May 2012


Still got a headache...and still feel sick..!

Wowzas this is going to be a really interesting read this week...

Feeling frustrated in many ways...

Firstly because there's lots of stuff in my brain but I can't blog about it for fear of offending/annoying people/persons/etc. Curses.

Damn the Internet for being so flipping accessible to everyone.

Was good to have counselling this morning though as managed to talk through quite a lot of stuff. Realised a few (more) strange things about myself. Yay for that?


Tuesday, 1 May 2012

i think i overcooked my goose yesterday



Feel sick.


Still feel sick.

Tension in my brain.

Giant knot in my stomach.