Wednesday, 30 November 2011

satisfying

So, to put it mildly, yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. A very shitty bad day.

But thankfully, its over now, in the past now, and I can try and forget about it.

Although I haven't felt exactly peachy today... I have managed to control the beastly black dog, and I actually got out of the house. Hurrah.

For anyone who follows me on twitter or facebook, you already know the next part, so feel free to have a small nap....

For everyone else, my most exciting part of my day was colour co-ordinating my CD collection. Wow. I really do live on the edge. Its a crazy kind of life I lead. But I felt so much better afterwards, and it really does look beautiful, well as beautiful as CD's can ever look, which I guess is not much really. Anyway, the important thing was that it got rid of some of my nasty anxious energy, and I got to focus on something else for 10 minutes. Go on, try it, you might like it.....

I used to be more of a group them by genre kind of girl, but after a manic episode six months ago when I smashed up my room and sent my CD's flying all over the place, I think the colour coding is the way forward...Its still ordered, but its not regimented. And that suits my brain.

xxx

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

bad bad tuesday

The beastly black dog has completely taken over me today.

Bastard.

Its not going to be a long blog tonight, as I can barely string together a sentence.

I'm supposed to be working on a gallery proposal, but I just can't get my head around it. All I can see is how shit my paintings are, and how it would be pointless stressing myself out, when ultimately the likelihood of my proposal going through is zero. And some people would say, "Well you don't know that." But the thing is, I actually do. I have a degree in Art History, and I know what 'good' art is, or what would make a successful exhibition, and my work just doesn't cut the mustard.

I have tried. I just can't do it. My words won't work, I sound like an emotionally stunted dickhead. I know I'm going to fail, so whats the point.

Oh fuckity fuck.

Black dog has taken over my brain and I can't see clearly today.

Apologies for my bad language, I just cant seem to stop these curse words spitting out of my mouth!

All I want to do is bang my head against the wall and go to sleep.

x

Monday, 28 November 2011

a bit all over the place

Been doing a bit of medical research this afternoon. Which can be a little bit dangerous, but I'm hoping it will be helpful. I've got an idea about my diagnosis, and I've been wondering if the doctors have missed something key along the way. Hmm. I almost don't want to say too much, in case I'm wrong, but I have a very big niggle, and usually my niggles are masters of truth!

When you have so much time on your hands, its hard not too self analyse constantly. Especially, when you're a person who does that naturally. But I think I might be right about this one....Hmm...Although once I've got an idea in my head, theres no way I'm going to budge. An irritating habit that I try to curb once in a while....

I remember the first time I went to see the psychiatrist and I ended up having a small row with him. Whoops. Well, he was trying to tell me that my paranoia's weren't actually real, and I was most put out. How can someone else tell you whats real or not real in your mind? Its virtually impossible, and I wasn't having any of it.

I'm feeling completely spaced tonight...not sure where this is going....

And now I'm thinking of all the times when I've been a stubborn cow and made stupid mistakes, hurt people I love. Urgh.

Personality transplant anyone?? Yes please.

Last week I had to make a list of my positive attributes for my counselling session.

It was super hard. Brain achingly hard....(it was the homework that I tried to forget about...!)

But the first thing on my list, and probably the only one that I truly believed in was....

"I'm not boring..."

You can't argue with that...

xxx

Sunday, 27 November 2011

dont give up

Ooo I have a wiggle in my belly, and a tapping in my toes this evening. Its really rather fun! Not sure how long its going to last, which is a good reason for writing it down, and then I'll never forget. Hurrah for that.

A good day has been had. Not just a good day, but a bloody good weekend too. Yessss!

I have been karate chopping and ninja kicking that black dog all over the place. Boom. Kapow.

Although yesterday I found a lump on my arm and I began worrying about all sorts. But luckily before I got too freaked, I realised I had one in the same place on my other arm...that's right, I had discovered a muscle! Two muscles in fact, or maybe even four, because this one seems to have grown from a bigger one on my arm. Its all terribly exciting, and just shows that I'm getting a little fitter and finally putting on some weight. Oh and of course all the ninja moves must help too.

It also seems that a few more lovely people have been reading my blog, and have been able to discover connections and comparisons. Nothing makes me happier to know this. Its amazing what small things we can do as human beings, that can make a huge difference to individuals everyday lives. There are so many people out there suffering from a huge range of mental health illnesses, and I feel completely blessed and inspired to hear their stories. Its like receiving a virtual hug, or someone getting an injection full of hope and shooting it straight into my veins....

xxx

Friday, 25 November 2011

big respect

Lying on my bed last night, my mind was consumed with what I had written in my blog. Why had I wittered on for so long about romance? Maybe I should pop back downstairs and delete the post. I shifted uncomfortably across the cushions, not able to find a place to snuggle into. I began to curse my own writing, my stupid wandering mind, and wondered why I even keep writing this blog....

A day later, and a fresh perspective.

Thank goodness.

I know I'm my own worst enemy, my biggest critic, I will always find some fault in my writing. But I also know that I write this for myself, its a stream of consciousness, and I have to respect that! Big respect to the typing fingers.

Good phrase, I must remember that one.

Managed to get out of the house and meet a complete stranger for a drink today! Well, not a complete stranger, but someone that I don't really know that well...So another little milestone I think. Anxiety levels were under control, and I actually had some fun too. Bonus!

I've found that as time ticks on I'm able to talk about my illness with a lot greater ease now. And not just the depression stuff, but just myself generally. I used to make so many apologies and excuses for my lifestyle, or the failings that I had made throughout my life. But now, something has shifted, and I  don't care what people think. Hmmm is that the truth? Not sure now actually.....I think it is. I'm searching for the right word...

Openness. Is that a word?

Being open.

Which is kind of funny that I'm saying that really, as this blog is a pretty massive open door....!

I just hope that all small steps will lead to the light.

Its not a sprint, its a marathon.

xxx

Thursday, 24 November 2011

wise words miss bradshaw

With so many million people on this planet, I sometimes think how miraculous it must be when you find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I really can't get my head round it. It puzzles me greatly.

Not entirely sure where this is going, but the sentences just keep on shooting out of my fingertips, so I'm going to roll with it....

I am a sucker for romance. Not the heart shaped chocolate soppy kind, but real old fashioned romance. When lovers would travel across continents to get declare there love for one another. Maybe that still happens, I don't know, but somewhere along the way I think true romance has been lost. Not that I know an awful lot about it, but it seems to me that I would rather have my knight in shining armour look after me when I'm really poorly, smooth my brow, clear up my sick, and get my medicine, rather than buy me a bunch of flowers and a card from Clinton's. Anyone can do that, but really being there for someone, is a lot tougher. And when life gets shit, you don't want someone to carry you through it, or around it, but to hold your hand and walk through it together.


My other romantic ideal comes from 'Jane Eyre', one of my absolute favourite books. The connection that Jane and Mr Rochester have is something far greater than romance, lust or love, its an inseparable understanding. They believe and accept they are two parts to a greater whole. My Mum has to remind me quite frequently that its only a book, and that kind of romance doesnt exist in real life, but something within me won't let it go.

I always hoped to find someone who would understand me completely. And its only now that I'm delving deeper into my psyche that I realise that understanding will never happen. I don't think you can ever fully understand another person, its virtually impossible. But the next best thing would be acceptance. That's pretty romantic. Accepting me as I am. Not wanting to change me. Not wanting me to be a bit more sporty, or a bit less grumpy, or not as free spirited. Maybe even liking me just as I am. Ha! Wouldn't that be a treat.

I'm getting a little bit angry as I write this now, thinking about someone who has tried to change me in the past. And I didn't even notice! How scary is that. But when you're in a vulnerable place, that stuff just washes over you. Ooh I need to calm down a bit, I'm really getting worked up now. Which is good in a way, better to be angry than just feel numb I guess. I would like to poke someone in the eye though. With a massive stick.

I would like to believe that my kindred spirit is out there, but again, I think that's just my romantic ideals taking over.

What I do know is, that I have some amazing kindred spirits in my life already. How lucky is that? And a love between friends, is never lost, it never changes, it just gets stronger.

I don't know why the hell I've been rambling on about all this romance crap tonight.

Bit odd.

Maybe I'll end on some wise words from Carrie Bradshaw.....

xxx

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

karate CHOP!

I wish I had something interesting to write about....

But today has been as dull as Wednesdays inevitably get.

Nothing new there then.

However, situations have improved since this time yesterday....Hurrah for that.

And I've also been able to get a few little things ticked off my list and given the black dog a massive kick up the arse just for good measure.

(Insert ninja moves here....)I'm getting pretty good at this now, practise makes perfect and all that...And for anyone concerned about animal welfare, no actual dog has been harmed during the writing of this blog. Black dog, is of course, the metaphorical name for my beastly depression.

While I'm feeling a slightly lifted, I may as well go all out crazy and add some sort of feel good tune, just to keep me bouncing around this evening...

Ooo here we go, four minutes of pure indulgence and a very guilty pleasure....

Hello Mr Mark Owen...

xxx


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

not a good day

Back into the land of heart palpatations today.

What fun.

Just when I've got myself a little bit organised, making lists and trying to keep myself stimulated, I wake up feeling like I'm going to pass out any second. Every time I move I think I'm going to faint, and my heart starts beating as if its just run the 100 metre sprint. Horrible. Anxiety flows through my body so quickly, making the dizziness so much worse. Panic sets in, and completeley takes over.

I think I'm going to die. My arm is tingling, I'm convinced I must be having a stroke, or maybe a heart attack.

It sounds so daft when I write it down, but its so scary how my body can change so quickly, and I don't have any control over it.

Its ridiculously irritating because on the whole my anxiety levels are a lot better.

Then they come out of nowhere and just shit all over your day.

Argh!

Frustrated Susie.

I dont think it helped that I woke up at 7am shaking with fear and covered in sweat after the most horrific nightmare. Not a good start to anyone's day.

Yuk yuk yuk.

xxx

Sunday, 20 November 2011

counselling and me

I've got some homework before my next counselling session this week. It keeps on popping into my head at the most annoying times, just to piss me off. Its as if it knows that I really don't want to do it. And my most likely excuse for not doing it, is my forgetfulness, so its being extra irritating just so I get it done.....

Yuk.

Often, when I get back from counselling, my darling Dad says, "Did you have a good time?" I'm really not sure what he expects me to say, because its not exactly a barrel of laughs.

I'm sure theres a Dickens quote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." An overused quote I'm sure, but it sums up my counselling experience so well.

Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish and finally get round to doing that smelly old homework....

xxx

Saturday, 19 November 2011

dont forget sooz

Sleepy Sooz.

Big yawn and stretch.

Maybe I'll write this later. Because I think any minute my head might fall off my neck and crash into the computer screen. Either that or I'll start typing with my eyes closed. Ooo I just did that for this sentence. No typo's.....whooppeee.

Mama Piggott's birthday today, which she has thoroughly enjoyed, (the caterpillar cake was a big hit...) For me, its been a day where I've done even more thinking than usual....

Not a day goes by when I dont think about my suicide attempt in September. It was a turning point for me, and my tattoo is a constant reminder that I don't ever want to be in that place again. But at the same time, I don't ever really think about how other people reacted to that day, or whether they think about it.

I draw strength from the fact that I'm still here, 25 and staying alive....And perhaps, it was only this morning when I gave my Mama her birthday card, and she started to cry, that I realised, I could of missed this day. I could of easily carried on taking those tablets. I wouldnt of been here to celebrate her birthday. Honestly, its been scaring the bejeeesus out of me, but in a good way. I dont want to miss out, and I think people need me, I certainly need them anyway.

This is all completly muddled up. Awful  awful writing tonight.

 But I really dont want to forget this feeling....

And I'm having such trouble describing it....

Maybe for the first time........I'm just glad that I'm here.

xxx

Friday, 18 November 2011

space and light

peace

comfort

restfulness

calm

Not words that often creep into my blog. And no, I'm not advertising the latest panpipes album. Instead, these words found me today. Or I found them. Or maybe we found each other. I had space to find them.

I didn't find them in my bedroom (far too messy), or in a glass of wine (far too confusing), I didn't even find them in a passionate embrace (far too messy and confusing.) Instead, I found these words in nature.

In the leaves and the sky.
In the water and the woods.

Take time, find space.

xxx

Thursday, 17 November 2011

a rant and a rave

I hate waiting. My feet cant stop tapping and my hands cant stop moving. Someone has connected me to a plug and I've got all this extra energy running through my body. And it always feels like whatever I'm waiting for is taking its time on purpose, just to wind me up and see my anxiety levels sky rocket. Every minute is a heavy load on my shoulders, the tension that builds up is ridiculous.

This was the situation I found myself in today, waiting to see my psychiatrist.....

....People keep on getting called before me. Why? I was here first. I should go in first....

 ...I want to poke the annoying man next to me straight in the eye. Damn he's gone now, missed my chance... Why did he get to go before me?

 ...If I close my eyes I imagine that behind these doors the doctors are casting magical spells upon people, making them well in one spectacular moment. It takes quite a lot of imagination, but that's what I hope for...

Eventually, my name is called.

Hurrah.

But somethings not quite right.

This isn't the same psychiatrist I saw 6 weeks ago.

No, its definitely not.

My psychiatrist is a lady, and this person has a beard.

No one told me I was seeing someone new.

A mistake?

Nope.

Just my new psychiatrist.

My fourth psychiatrist in 6 months.

Ridiculous.

For a person who treats people with mental health problems, this is really not a good start.

Thanks for letting me know NHS!


x

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Gramps

I dreamt about my Grandpa last night.

Yesterday it was 6 years since he passed away. And I still miss him just as much as I ever did. He is the voice in my head, and the warm glow of strength and love in my heart. He never leaves me, he's always with me, challenging me, encouraging me. He wasn't just my Grandpa, he was my best friend too.

It was a turning point in my life when I lost him. My world became broken and confused. Black dog crept upon me and I dulled my pain with the nearest quick fix.

Looking back, its strange that an event so inevitable can suddenly bring out all your demons and fears.
Quite scary really.

I've just remembered this song, it really helped to soothe my pain and give me comfort at the time.

When I look around me now, I want to try and find hope and light in the darkness.

It tries to hide. But hope is there. It really is.

Promise.

xxx



Tuesday, 15 November 2011

guilty pleasures

Guilty pleasure for today?

Its got to be those McFly boys. I mean, how could I ignore them, what with Harry on Strictly, and now the gorgeous Dougie on I'm a Celeb. Two words, hubba hubba.

I just wish they could come round, wipe my brow and make me mugs of lemon squash. Maybe sing a few songs too, and the odd cuddle wouldn't go amiss...I'm certain my mind and body would feel a whole lot better if they were looking after me.

Oh well, I can dream.

But for now, I'm still feeling pretty rotten.

My mind is suffering today too. Slowly sinking into the darkness.

xxx

Monday, 14 November 2011

mind up, body down

Last night I was bouncing around like a leprechaun, doing a little jig and all that jazz...(especially after everyones amazing support, gave me such a buzz...!) That was until about half 9, when I started to feel  super strange...Sat shivering in bed with mountains of blankets around me, and a temperature, I was feeling really poorly. Went to the doctors this morning and turns out I have an infection so on antibiotics for the next 3 days.

Oh joy.

Just when a part of my brain was making progress, my body decides it needs some medical attention, just to piss me off. Bugger it.

Its bloody typical.

xxx

Sunday, 13 November 2011

stargirl

The good thing about being back at home? Sleeping in my own bed.
The bad thing about being back at home? Being back at home.

No. That's a little bit mean really.
I'm only joking.
Honestly.

Love Mum and Dad. And after a week of being away its lovely to see them, and I know I'm super lucky to have a roof over my head and people to love me and look out for me.

I just wish I didn't live in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by fields and middle aged women (my Mums neverending stream of friends, whom I refer to as 'The Calender Girls'...although luckily they haven't got round to posing nude yet...)

I loved being in London. Catching up with old friends, and getting up to mischief. I can't get up to any mischief in Somerset. I need a fellow mischief maker. Actually, I don't just want one, I want a whole group of mischief makers. A gang if you will. Whats more annoying is that I do have them, they're just not here. Curses.

Actually, that's not technically true, some of them are here. I think I may be having a dramatic moment.

This week I felt as if I was part of something again, connecting with people and places in a way that I haven't done properly for ages. My anxiety has got so much better, it feels like the fences it put around my body are slowly being smashed. By my high kicking ninja moves of course. I need to use those ninja moves on the black dog now, and kick his depressing little arse far away from mine.

 You know what, I've just realised, that I've done that all on my own (with help from the right medication!) No one has helped me, and I haven't had to rely on anyone. Its just been me. I'm doing this, I'm defeating the anxiety and depression!

Wahoo!

Go Sooz!

Yes!

I think this is called a breakthrough!

Whoooooop!

Lets all dance!!





xx

Saturday, 12 November 2011

dream big, start small

Ooch. Naughty Sooz, been neglecting my witterings for a few days. But fear not, I am back. I've just been getting a little bit distracted by London life.

And its good being distracted. More than good in fact, I've really enjoyed being here this week. Yet, saying that, I can't help but feel an uncomfortable niggle that refuses to go away. A niggle that tells me that everyone around me is chasing their dreams, and achieving all kinds of brilliance, that I can't help but feel jealous of.

Achievement can be judged and ranked in so many different ways,  but I think that its peoples passion that I feel so envious of. I want a piece of that. I want to channel and pursue my own dreams, instead of being constantly frightened of failure.

Just a small challenge for today then! Ha. Oh dear.

But one must start small, and so here are my ideas...

A lot of people have shown me amazing kindness, particularly over the past year. I have been asked many times by friends, "is there anything I can do to help you?", and usually, my mind goes blank, and I can't really think of anything. But today, I have two ways that YOU can help me...

1. Spread the blogging word. Tell people about www.letstalkaboutdepression.blogspot.com
I want to get as many people as possible clicking in and having a read. I want to reach out. I want to help, in any small way possible.....

Which is all part of a bigger plan....I want to try get something published. In some way, shape or form, I would like to be able for my blog to turn into a book. (EEEK! can't quite believe I've shared that with the universe, deep breath Sooz.)

So any advice, ideas, connections, suggestions, please, let me know! I have no idea where to start. And I'm petrified...

2. Over the past year I have created a mountain of paintings. And I'm thinking about putting together a teeny tiny exhibition. Again, I have no idea how to do this. Do you know of a small space that I could create an exhibition of my work? Maybe just for the weekend?

So just a few cheeky favours to ask all of you gorgeous people who read this :-)
I can't quite believe I've written this, I must have had too much diet coke or something.

I can't do this on my own.
I need your help.

xxx

Thursday, 10 November 2011

little miss piggott

Just cooked myself a very random meal. Garlic bread, bacon and mushrooms.

 Odd.

 But surprisingly tasty.

And very garlicy.

Someone pass me the polo's quick.

Or maybe not, as I'm resting my weary bones tonight, and having a cosy night in.

Last night I made the foolish error of picking the highest heels to go strutting around London in.

 Ouch.

My back aches, my feet are sore, but, were they worth it? Hell yes. No pain no gain. Fashion is always worth paying the price for. Plus, they double the length of my legs. Who can argue with that?

xxx

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

progress

Desperately trying to cool myself down after speeding walking home with  giant bag of heavy ducks legs. Who said it was winter? I have been surrounded by a mini heat wave all day. Knee high black boots and tights may have looked good, but I felt like my legs were in individual pressure cookers. Its quite possible that jets of steam were sighted whizzing out of the top.

But apart from the heat issues, it was good to be out and about. Life at home can be so quiet, and a little bit lonely. I love being part of the London buzz. And its so good for me to have some new challenges. A sign of progress. Hooray for that.

I've already been down to the Southbank twice this week. I just love being by the river. Now, I know the Thames could never win a beauty contest. Its always grey, and you don't really ever see cute ducks or anything stereotypically river like, but maybe that's what I like about it. Its big and dirty, but it doesn't pretend to be anything else. In all the changes that London has been through, the river has always stayed the same. Give or take a few more rats. And I like that continuity. Its a constant in a city that's always changing. When you need a space to think, its always there.

xxx

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

drama drama

Eyes barely open I poked my head out from my duvet nest and tried to work out where I was. My memory didn't want to be my friend, and the dreams that I had just been a part of seemed more real than anything. Sighing to myself, I surveyed the room, hopelessly trying to make a connection. At last it was the screaming siren outside that finally clicked my brain cells into place. London! Charlie and Ben's house! Their lovely guest room!

What a plonker.

Relieved I hadn't been kidnapped, taken into slavery, or, even worse, had a night of passion with z list celeb, I snuggled back into my bed.

Drama queen? Moi?

At least I've got my mini drama for today out of the way already. I can get up and face the day, without worrying about any potential drama following me around... (well, once I  move my arse from this very cosy armchair and put some clothes on...)

Not sure if I really want to face the day, black dog is clinging onto me.

Wish I had brought more comforting clothes. I want to wear trackies all day. But oh no, I had to be miss fancy pants and just pack my 'capsule wardrobe'. I really do curse myself sometimes.

xxx

Sunday, 6 November 2011

lights

Trying to cling onto strength, light, and to some part of me thats worth fighting for...

xxx

Ellie Goulding "Lights"

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Saturday, 5 November 2011

duvet and miss jones

In the ongoing battle between myself and my bed, today, the bed has won a small victory.

Although, I did manage to crawl out and stretch myself for a yoga class. I later resumed the plank position (technical yoga term which I may have got wrong) on the sofa, duvet and body entwined as one.

Ah well. I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much.

These things happen.

And we all need a snuggle with our duvets every now and again. Perhaps its a little sad that I'm getting hugs from a duvet and not a boyfriend, but I believe the duvet carries a lot less baggage. It never tries to argue with me when I want to watch a Sex and the City, it doesn't mind when I spill crumbs all over it, and most importantly, I am always, without doubt, right. A perfect relationship I think. Oh and it keeps my feet warm without claiming I have ice blocks for toes, and it never leaves me. Lovely stuff. Susie and her duvet, forever, together, for years to come.

Oh dear, I have this sinking feeling that I'm sounding a little 'Bridget Jones' esq this evening. I really must do better. After all, I don't even like Mr Darcy. And I hardly ever wear big knickers...

xxx

Thursday, 3 November 2011

yes, I am a poorly girl

I'm in a weird mood.

Weirder than usual.

Unsettled somehow.

Maybe due to the fact that I didn't sleep last night, and instead had a 3 hour lunchtime nap.

Whoops.

Hmm. Not sure.

Going to London next week for a few days, and I'm getting quite excited about having a change of scenery. But not looking forward to organising and packing. Yuk. Hate packing. So stressful. And its always warmer in London which just puts a spanner in the works in terms of wardrobe choices. Decisions decisions. (Note to all Londoners whom I like, do get in touch if you want to share a coffee...not that I expect you to share your coffee with me, because, actually, I don't like coffee and will be drinking diet coke...)

Ah, I'm making such a lot of nonsensical sense tonight. Excellent.

I do have a mental illness though, so maybe that can be my excuse....

In fact, sometimes, when I'm walking around town, holding my little shell (it helps my anxiety), listening to my ipod at full blast and not being able to look people in the eye, or when I'm in a cafe and have to chop up all my food, I think, maybe I should wear a badge. "Hello! My name is Susie, and I have depression and anxiety. Stay away!" Ha. No. That last bit is a joke really. I like people talking to me. As long as they don't smell of feet. I just don't want people to think I'm being rude, or standoffish, that there is a reason for my awkward and perhaps sometimes nervous behaviour. But as always, that's probably my own fears and anxieties that I'm transferring onto other people, without ever knowing the truth.

But its kind of a serious point. Because I have to remind myself that I do have an illness. That I haven't made myself like this. And just as someone with a physical illness or injury has to take time and space to recover, so must I.

You would think after all this time I would remember that by now. Perhaps the brain of Susie Piggott is a little on the slow side. My silly brain cells need to do a bit of catching up. I wish I could pluck them out and give them a good talking to, promising chocolate treats as rewards for excellent behaviour. Ha! Although, thinking about that in a medical literal sense makes me feel a bit gross and funny. Not a big fan of blood and stuff. I imagine that my brain cells wear cute cowboy boots and crazy glasses. They have round bouncy bodies, and they all ping around on my jelly like brain. It sounds really rather fun. They're just a bit naughty sometimes. And I think they get taken over by the black dog. Poor little nuggets.

xxx

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

What to wear?

After almost a year of practically living in my jeans (which have now ripped on the knee because I've worn them so much) and grey hoodie, I have completely lost all confidence in what to wear.

When I was working full time, I used to spend at least an hour and a half getting ready in the morning. I was always trying out new hairstyles and pushing the fashion boundaries. And I think I was quite good at it. Some people even used to ask me for advice. I could have fun with my clothes, I enjoyed dressing up.

But, I guess, the negative side was that part of me was trying to cover up my true feelings. I immersed myself in my image and my costume. It was like I was playing a part in a play, and wearing the right clothes came with that package.

And now?

Now I just feel lost!

My wardrobe taunts me, and my clothes play tricks on me. Its not trick or treat, more like trick and more tricks. A pretty dress suddenly turns into a dull potato sack as soon as I pull it over my head. A pair of heels make me look like a hooker. A pair of trousers that were once favourites, now just make me insanely paranoid about my VPL (thats visible panty line for all the male readers...)

I have no idea what suits me, because even when I try to get out of my trackies, and put something different on, I don't really feel any better. In fact, sometimes, I feel even more ridiculous. When wearing my shitty ripped jeans, I think, at least they suit my mood. They co-ordinate quite well with the big grey bags under my eyes that never seem to shift, and the always slightly frizzy hair that seems to have lost its way, and of course, not forgetting the ever spotty skin. When I put something nice on, my face just doesn't match.

I know I'm moaning, but it does feel better to write things down, so please bare with me...

I just wish I had a fairy godmother, someone to help me. Maybe Gok or Trinny and Susannah could pop round. Actually maybe not Gok, I don't think I want him fondling my breasts and calling them bangers. But Trinny and Susannah would do, they could probably do with the work after all. I need them to take the depression out of my wardrobe and give me some direction.

Honestly, that bloody black dog gets everywhere. Literally, no escape.

x