Monday, 30 December 2013

My year in review?

Just like last year, Facebook is telling me to 'see my 20 biggest moments in my 2013 review'. To which, once again, I say, no thank you Mr Facebook. I will do my own, so please don't offer again. And also, for the record, I don't like the use of your word 'biggest', its very strange.

Right, let me think....

Oh also, these are memories from two thousand and thirteen, not twenty thirteen. Just wanted to get that record straight too.

Laura's hen do. Liverpool. Butler in the Buff. Epic.

The Ingleby's wedding. Ha. I do like calling them the Ingleby's, although Laura will forever be Laura Prescott in my heart. What a superduperfantastic wedding. Loved being Maid of Honour. Wish I could do it all again. Definitely in my top ten favourite days of my all time.

The Alexander's wedding. Another fun filled weekend of love and laughter. And once again, I loved being a bridesmaid. Actually made me think I should bring out a new book, 'how to be a top banana bridesmaid'.

Going on my holibobs with Mr B. Our first proper grown up holiday together, may there be many moreeeeeee.....

Selling some of my paintings! Whoop! Never thought that would ever happen. Not forgetting the fantastic Tiny Monuments exhibition in March, what a privilege to be part of that. 

I even feel like I can kind of call myself an artist now. Oh and I finally set up my website too, http://susannapiggott.weebly.com if you haven't seen it yet.

Hearing Daddy Pig on Radio 2 at Glasto, oh such a very proud daughter.

Getting a job...Yes I never really thought I would be able to get myself a job, but somehow I did. I now know all about neutralising perms and how to mix bleach.

What else have I done this year?

I'm not too sure.

Well, I guess I have carried on writing this blog! Almost 3 years now since I've started it, and I'm still wittering away. Perhaps not very coherently, but I guess that doesn't matter too much...(it does really, but I'm just trying to convince myself.)

2013 has also brought sadness. The world is now without two equally amazing men, Jim Gynn and Luke Richards.

There are no words that can follow that sentence, so lets just pause.




Reflect.




And now if I can close my eyes, and think of 2013, what do I see?

A beach.
Footprints.
Love.
Closeness.
Connections.
Embrace me.




My battle with depression and anxiety continues daily. I am still on my medication, and continue with my counselling. Some days are full of light, but other days are covered in darkness. I keep fighting to find the light. I have overcome massive hurdles this year, some quite miraculous.

I couldn't keep up my fight against the black dog without the love and support from my family, Mr B, and my friends. And also from you, my lovely readers. I am eternally grateful to all of you.

There is also another light that continues to guide me and give me strength. One who renews my hope, when the darkness surrounds and numbs me. I hold onto this and I'm so thankful for it.

Tomorrow I will be in London with my party hat on, hence the earlyish new years blog!

I wont wish you all a happy new year, instead I will wish that 2014 brings you hope, light and love xxxx 



Friday, 27 December 2013

Hold onto light.

Tis the season to forget what day it is.

But I know I have work tomorrow, so I reckon its Saturday.

I'm feeling pretty washed out and tired, its been as crazy a week as expected. But good fun too. Mama Pig pretending to be a spider in charades was a definite highlight. As was some super presents from Mr B. I really don't deserve that top banana of a boyfriend.

I've found some things particularly tough this week, but I don't want to grumble and sound ungrateful. The main thing I need to remember is that I've battled through things and I'm still here.

Going to midnight mass with Daddy Pig helped give me the chance to reflect and meditate, I'm so glad I went. Mr B and I also went for a walk today across the fields, and it felt lovely to be outside in the glorious space of nature. No-one else was even around, just us two, it was bliss. Although I did almost slip in the mud which would have been nothing short of a disaster darling. (Apologies for my awful impression of Craig Revel Horwood.)

I have been thinking of all the different Christmas's (that's a lots of s's, not sure my grammar is quite right...) that people are experiencing this year... Particularly the lovely Richards family, who haven't got their beloved Luke with them.

My nephew was listening to Rule the World by Take That on Xmas day and I couldn't stop my tears from falling. The song was played at Lukes funeral, and I guess it will always make me think of him now, along with quite a few other songs...

Stars.

So bright.

Light in a world of darkness.

I guess that's what we have to hold onto.




xxxx
  

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

A battle, a journey, a calling.

Shock.
 
Loss.
Lost.
Darkness.
 
A battle.
 
Shock.
 
Loss.
Lost.
Darkness.
 
Pain.
 
Time.
 
Pain.
 
Change.

Light.
Time.
 
A journey.
 
Hope.
Strength.
Love.
 
Time.

 
A battle.
A journey.
A calling.

Wishing you all peace and hope this Christmas time xxx

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Block it out

Gosh darn-it, I cant seem to keep track of the days at the moment. The weeks just seem to be flying past me in some sort of dizzy Christmas blur.

I've been spending my time working... and what else, I cant even remember. Oh I went Christmas shopping too. And consumed a few glasses of the old wine. But honestly, not really sure what else I've done. My mind has been very forgetful lately.

My eyes are so tired tonight I can barely keep them open...yawn. Early to bed me thinks.

Before I do that though, I've been thinking a lot about how this time of year is difficult for so many people.

You might be unwell.

In mind or in body.

You might be away from your family.

Or perhaps you don't have a family.

You might be missing a loved one who has passed away.

Your heart might be broken.

You might have lost your job.

Or you might be lost yourself.

I know I find it tough, and sometimes I think I'm the only one who struggles to find Christmas cheer. But I'm not.

I know many people find it hard, yet all the bright colours, dreadful Christmas music and general festival stuff bamboozles us and it can feel like a slap in the face.

Especially Michael Buble, he is the absolute worst for bamboozling.

I am rather tired, and so perhaps not making the most sense in the world. I just want to bring a tiny particle of hope and light, to those who are sitting in the darkness. I want them to know that things won't stay the same. That they are not alone in the darkness.

 Just take things day by day. Block out the Christmas trash, and remember that Christmas should be a time of peace and hope. Two small words that might just help get us through this crazy season....xxx

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Change

An exhausting few days...

A 5:30am start on Friday, followed by four hours on the train to Brighton for Lukes funeral.

It was a paradox of beauty and tragedy. A credit to the vibrant life he lived, but oh so devastatingly heart-breaking. I don't think I've ever cried so much in one afternoon.

The world seems to have shifted. Tilted, and changed.

Yesterday I had work, and then my Christmas party, which again, just seemed to be a strange thing to be doing after the events of Friday. But of course, as is customary, I consumed a large amount of alcohol...

Everything just feels so temporary, so small and fragile. Or perhaps I'm describing myself.

Christmas is everywhere I turn and I'm overwhelmed by it. I haven't made plans, or done my shopping, I've been totally rubbish about seeing friends. I cant seem to screw my head on properly. I told Mr B that I would quite like to hibernate for the next 2 weeks, but he didn't seem as convinced by the idea as I was. Super jealous of hedgehogs right now.

I really should go to bed now, but I will just leave you with this song...A Green Day classic that forever reminds me of my wonderful friends. It was played at Lukes funeral too, and has taken on an even deeper significance now...

Good riddance, (the time of your life) by Green Day
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why

It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf
Of good health and good time

Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial

For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life
 
xxx

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Another place.

Just got time to do a little bit of blogging before I pop out and see Mr B for the evening.

 Yesterday and today I cancelled all my plans, as I have work tomorrow, and then Luke's funeral on Friday.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed by life at the moment, so trying to be as kind to my mind as possible.

The black dog always likes to bark when you're at your most vulnerable...So I'm trying my best to shut him up. I know he's nipping at my toes recently as I've been a lot more paranoid than normal. A sure sign that he has decided to take up residence in my brain for a while. Bastard.

I started off the day with the intention of cleaning my bedroom...fun times...However, after a while an image in my brain began to niggle, so I decided not to ignore it, and got out my trusty paints and brushes.

It felt good to get immersed in painting again. It shuts everything else out of my mind, and I love that. I become totally engrossed, and somehow take myself into a different place. A calmer, more colourful place.

Ooh I think I can hear Mr B's car outside, so I must dash....

xxx




Tuesday, 10 December 2013

For you

A few weeks ago I received a phone call from Laura telling me that one of our friends was seriously ill and didn't have long to live.

I have spent the past three weeks thinking and praying for my friend daily.

Hoping that the doctors had got it wrong.

Praying that he would pull through and the cancer would disappear.

But that didn't happen. My hopes and prayers for a miracle ended on Friday 6th December.

Its still so hard to get my head around this horrible tragedy. Everything I think and say seems like a cliché, but I promise its not.

There is absolutely no doubt about it, Luke was a top banana.

He was one of the funniest guys around, a sarcastic comment never far from his lips.

Is it 13 years I've known him....or maybe more...I'm not sure, but my life is intertwined with so many memories of Luke, too many to even think about really. Its overwhelming.

Luke gave great hugs, he was always one of the taller boys at school, and I particularly liked getting a hug from Luke and snuggling under his armpit.

I've shared many crazy drunken nights out with Luke...I just wish I had a slightly clearer memory of them...some of them are kind of hazy...But I reckon Luke would probably say the same!

However, I do remember his never-ending kindness,  he would always be the one to get me some water if I was a little too drunk, or lend one of the girls his coat if we were freezing our bums off in the queue.

I think what I admired most about Luke was the way he felt so comfortable in his own skin. He never conformed, never cared about what people thought or  worried about trying to fit in, he was just Luke. And I loved that about him.

I'm sat here listening to a mix tape (well, CD) that I made and sent for Luke last week...

Music is such a powerful memory grabber isn't it?

It rips you from your computer and suddenly you're sitting in the Trinity common room in 2003... change track... and you're at an infamous Richards' house party... change track... and we're jumping around like maniacs in a club in Manchester....

I know I'm probably not making much sense.My head is just all over the place trying to make sense of it all. But I guess maybe it will never make sense. I know I'm not making sense as I have just said sense about 100 times in one paragraph. I just cant believe that I'm not going to see Luke's mad, beautiful, cheeky smile again.

xxx
Trinity reunion 5years ago. Crazy times.
My fav photo of Luke and I.





Thursday, 5 December 2013

Another Thursday

Just got in from a busy day at work....

Now I have super sleepy eyes and an alarmingly aching back.

Again.

Ouchy.

Time to chill my brain and zone out in front of some awful TV.

'I'm a celeb' should fill that quota I think.

A television show that's so bad its good, well, almost.

It needs minimal amount of concentration anyhow.

Yawnsville.

Cant be bothered to cook myself anything for tea, so I reckon its going to be the classic bowl of cereal for me. Possibly my second most favourite meal of all time.

Yumsville.

xxx


Sunday, 1 December 2013

Moving too fast

Sat in bed writing this, which, lets face it, is my favourite place to be.

Had a lovely weekend relaxing with Mr B and some friends...Now trying to get my head round what's happening this week...

I've got quite a few busy weeks coming up, which makes me ever so slightly anxious, and also a little bit forgetful.

Time seems to be whizzing past me rather quickly again, and I often feel like I'm playing a big game of catch up...

Almost getting there, but just not quite. Its frustrating.

Nevermind.

Such is life.

And the ominous big 'C' is looming up ahead of me, which frankly, I'm just trying not to think about.

Although that seems to be quite hard as every time I switch on the telly I'm reminded of it. Or go into a shop. Or have a meal at a restaurant.

The Italian place I went for lunch today was playing Christmas music, which even though it is the 1st of December, still seems far too early.

Mr B calls me the Grinch, but you know what, I quite like the Grinch. He's a misunderstood character in my book, so you know, I don't really mind. And he has some pretty snazzy footwear, which I would quite like to borrow. Although I'm not sure I could pull them off as well as he does....



xxx

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Benefits and me

Its time to get something off my chest.

Something that has been causing me stress and anxiety, and a whole lot of anger over the past month.

I try not to think about it, try not to get wound up about it, but its still lingering. So, I'm thinking the best way to rid myself of it, is to write about it....


The subject of benefits is one of great controversy among the public and the media. We are constantly bombarded with stories of 'benefit scroungers' etc etc. The media and the government have generated a negative image of people on benefits, but now its time for me to show you the negative effect the government has had on me.

I have been receiving ESA (employment and support allowance) for the majority of my time off work. In order to receive this benefit, you have to fill in a beastly medical form, something that I could never do without help from my support worker. It is because of my ongoing depression and anxiety that I qualify for this benefit.

On ESA I got approx £115 per week. Considering I live at home and don't have to worry about bills, this payment allowed me to go about my business without having to get too anxious about finances.

In August this year, my support worker suggested that I start doing some part time work. The benefit guidelines (which I researched online and had the relevant paperwork) would allow me to work 16 hours a week, and still receive ESA. After being offered a job, and explaining my circumstances, I began working 16 hours a week.

And I was a happy little banana.

For the first time in 2 years I bought myself a new pair of jeans.

I went out for a meal with my friends, and didn't worry about the price of the food.

I was even able to save some money each week, again, something I haven't been able to do for the past 2 or 3 years.

However, on the 30th October, I received a letter saying that my ESA had been stopped due to the fact that I had been working more than 16 hours a week.

My heart sank, my mind panicked and I quickly rang the department and said there had been a mistake.

The conversation went something like this,

Me: Hello, there has been a mistake, my ESA has stopped but I haven't worked more than 16 hours.

Robot on the phone: You should have been working 15 and a half hours.

Me: SHOCKED SILENCE

Robot: bored silence

Me: Are you serious? Nowhere on any of the guidelines does it say 15 and a half, it says 16!! Can I get a reconsideration? Theres obviously been a mistake.

Robot: Your claim has now ended. If you want to claim ESA you need to apply from the beginning.

Me: WHAT! Can you help?

Robot: I'm not permitted to advise you.


I then hung up the phone and cursed the robot.

The thought of starting a claim again filled me with dread. The thought of appealing against the decision made my stomach tighten and my brain panic. I began to worry that I would have to start working more hours, but knew that I couldn't manage to do that. Oh it was like a panic mine field.

Luckily, my support worker suggested that I should be entitled to working tax credits, and that's what I'm in the middle of applying for at the moment. But of course, it took 3 weeks for the form to arrive and it takes another 3 weeks for me to hear the result.

I'm also lucky that I do live at home, and don't have any large outgoings. But this whole situation has really effected me. I cant help but take the whole thing personally, although I know that sounds silly.

I'm now back to scrimping, saving, and missing out on things I might like to do because of money. Silly old money.

Just when I was starting to get myself together, then the government come along and mess it all up for me. And I'm not mentally well enough to fight them on it. I just don't have the strength.

The irony is, although I am now working, I have less money than I did when I was just on ESA.

So, the government is trying to get people back to work, but they are taking away the vital support that they need along the way! It just doesn't make sense.

I know that there are far worse off people than me, and that's what worries me too. How are they coping if the same thing has happened to them?

I'm not asking for sympathy, I simply want to make people aware of the way in which this government treats people who are just trying to survive.

Ok. Rant over.

Oh I do feel better.

Monday, 25 November 2013

Thinking

Hello, hello, and good day to you all.

I'm sat here in my very fetching pink dressing gown, pondering what exactly to do with my day.

Tidy my room?

Clean my sink?

Rearrange my sock draw?

Oh the possibilities are endless.

However, staring into space achieving nothing seems to be a lot more appealing.

Its been a strange few weeks, all things considered, and time seems to be racing past me. Where has November disappeared to I wonder?

There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind at the moment, that I don't even know where to start...

So perhaps, I shall spend some more time staring into the infinite abyss, and try to write them down later...

Yes.

Good plan Susie.

xxx

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Snuffle cough yuk

Another day with my stinky cold, and I'm feeling pretty fed up now. Would like to just feel normal now (well, as normal as I ever feel...)

Attempted to do a few little jobs around the house, but even the smallest task saps me of energy, and I end up collapsed on the sofa again.

On the plus side, I did beat my Tetris record.

And I do get to drink copious amounts of Lucozade without feeling guilty about all the calories.

 I've also eaten my weight in clementine's, in the hope that they will magically make me feel better. Worth a try I think.

Brain hurts too much to write anymore.

Laters potatoes

xxx


Monday, 18 November 2013

Easy does it

After a lovely but exhausting weekend in Wales, I'm back in Saltford, and coughing and spluttering all over the place.

 Well, first all over the bed, and now I have transferred to the sofa, wrapped up in approximately 100 blankets.

Aberdovy is one of my favourite places in the world, and so it was a real treat to be able to share it with Mr B.

 
 
Just look at those mountains.
 
Absolutely stunning.
 
 I am a little obsessed with mountains, they make me feel so safe and protected, I cant really explain why, but I do wish there were a few more round here. I just want to gobble them all up and bring them back home with me. Perhaps put one at the bottom of the garden or something.
 
Naturally I'm feeling guilty for not doing anything productive today, but every time I attempt something I collapse in a heap of mucus. A sure sign that my body and mind need to rest I think. Just need to let this nasty cold run its course, and give myself time to recover.
 
I have been slightly over doing things recently....hmmm....need to be careful and look out for those warning signs that the black dog is on the prowl...
 
xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

A tiny bit of wisdom

"Its not about thinking about what you haven't got, but instead remembering what you have got."

Wise words hey.

And yes they are a little cheesy.

But they came out of my mouth.

Yes that's right.

My own words of wisdom.

It would appear that there is more than just fluff in that brain of mine.

xxx

Monday, 11 November 2013

Grumbles and mumbles

Yet again its been too long between blogs.

Apologies dear friends.

I've been rushed off my feet these past few days, its been a little bit mad...

Now I'm shattered and have a headache.

Yawn. Ouch.

Moaning again....sorry....

Trying to relax but feeling restless and my brain is struggling to switch off completely...

Probably because it knows that I've got another busy week on the horizon. Bleuurgh.

I could tell you all some amusing anecdotes from my Mums party on Saturday night...But I feel like it could be a breach of confidentiality.  So my lips are sealed...(well until I can be bothered to write some of it down anyway.)

I will say this though, I'm glad Mama Pig is only 60 once. Although she is having another shindig this weekend...and another one after that...

Whilst I'm in a little bit of a moaning mood, I may as well go full throttle and grumble about Christmas. Well,Christmas adverts anyway. They have infiltrated my television, and I'm not happy. Its not even December.

Its too much. Too soon.

I can almost feel a strongly worded complaint letter coming on and sending it off to Points of View. But that would be stupid and silly, because the BBC don't even have adverts. Curses.

Christmas in my mind is a 7 day period. Maximum.

Not a three month hullabaloo. Its just not called for.

No one else gets such a long birthday, and I don't think Jesus is bothered about it lasting for so long. Everyone else just gets a one day birthday celebration. Well, apart from maybe the Queen. Oh and my Mum.

Right, that's enough of my whining. I'm going to resume my place on the sofa and close my eyes...

xxx

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Another step. Another breath.

Apologies if you've already been bombarded with my new website, 'cuz I'm gonna mention it again.... 

If you have a chance, do take a look at http://susannapiggott.weebly.com and enjoy a little bit of creative fun.

Its NOT replacing this blog, so don't worry folks. Don't want you crying into your cups of tea or anything.

Instead, its a small online space for my paintings to be displayed.

And I must say a big thank you to Miss Connon, for her recommendation of Weebly.

I've been pondering the idea of making a website for all my artwork for a while now, and after several tricky attempts, I must say I'm pretty pleased with the result.

It would seem that I am finally making friends with technology.

Wowzers.

I've also managed to get to the end of this blog without mentioning the fact that I'm feeling rather stressed and overwhelmed about the forthcoming weekend.

Whoa. That was a rather long sentence wasn't it?!

Breathe Susie.

Breathe.

xxx

Monday, 4 November 2013

Thoughts and things

Tried my best to relax and unwind today. And a walk in the sunshine with a good friend definitely helped.

However, I have a crazy busy weekend coming up, which is already making me feel overwhelmed.

Bit silly really. But there we go.

My mind just feels so full up of things, its taking all my energy just to keep one foot in front of the other.

'Things' sounds rather unspecific, so lets try and name a couple of them....

  • I'm being a bad friend because I haven't spoken to .... for ages.
  • I need to meet up with/ text / phone / email ..... because I love them, worry about them, and I'm a bad friend if I don't.
(Multiply these thoughts by about 20.)

  • I need to organise this, and sort out that, because this is happening soon and I need to be ready.
  •  So don't forget this, or that.
  • And remember this, because its really important. If you forget it, you are a moron.
That's just a small selection for you.

Cant be bothered to name the rest.

But I guess the other 'thing' that's been floating around in my head is what I write down in this here blog.

I had a huge response to an entry I wrote last week, which kind of knocked me for six really. I didn't expect people to react with so much understanding, which was super lovely.

It got me thinking though, (oh I do think too much) and then worrying (naturally). I guess that I just want to make it clear that I know I'm not the only person out there struggling. And I really do know how lucky I am. Honestly.

Its just the black dog makes my brain wonky and gets things out of perspective. I really don't want people to think that I'm this self involved, spoilt person who takes things for granted. Because I really don't.

Okaies, I feel a little better now.

Hurrah for blogging.

xxx

Sunday, 3 November 2013

No hair of the dog for me.

You would think now that I'm 27 and a half, a fairly sensible(ish) age, I would be able to handle my alcohol.

But no.

I woke up this Sunday morning with a banging headache, and an unquenchable thirst. And once again wondering why I would ever want to drink alcohol again.

Yuksville.

Ah well, maybe when I'm 27 and three quarters I will be able to behave myself...

For now though, I praise the Lord for inventing fried chicken, chips and diet coke.

Halleluiah!

xxx

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Skulking and sulking

Today I have spent a considerable amount of time skulking, and sulking, around.

I do like that word skulking.

Although actually participating in a skulk, is rather disagreeable.

The skulking started early, as I didn't sleep well, and was haunted by various kinds of nightmares. I pretty much wanted to hide away from the world again.

However, the full blown sulking, which then turned into skulking, exploded when the post arrived.

I shall save myself (and you too, dear reader) from describing the events that followed.

I don't mean to sound mysterious, I just don't want to get my knickers in a twist again.

And not just a 'simple to untie' knickers in a twist...

More like, the gnarled up elastic in the knickers made a massive messy knot, which then got twisted round one leg hole, and then the other, culminating in a tangled up pile of knickers that you may as well throw in the bin.

Anger, frustration, and a large dose of anxiety were the emotions that followed. Which then of course resulted in the skulking. And sulking.

Now I feel like I have used the word skulking umpteen times, and should probably stop.

Final skulk.

Last sulk.

Well, tomorrow is a new day. (Honestly, it really is. I checked my calendar and everything.) I'll be at work. Where I can neither skulk or sulk, so probably for the best that its all out of my system today.

xxx


Monday, 28 October 2013

Round in circles I go again.

Spent the majority of today hiding in my room, under my duvet. Had a lovely weekend...but now I'm just feeling all bleugh.

Sick of being like this.

My mind is spiralling about the future...What am I ever going to do with my life...Nothing of consequence.

Envy is a deadly sin, and boy don't I know it.

"I wish I could be like them..."

"I want my life to be like that..."

Honestly, I think that is one of the worst things about Facebook. Its great for keeping in touch with people, but its also a constant reminder of all the fantastic things people are doing with their lives, whilst I'm just faffing around.

I know I moan about this a lot. I'm sorry.

You may think I'm being a bit hard on myself. Or you may agree and feel the same.

Its so tough.

I hate feeling envious.

It makes my skin crawl, yet I cant seem to stop it.

We live in a society where 'what you do' (job wise) represents who you are. And I really struggle with that.

I know so many wonderful friends and family that are making a difference in the world, and I wish, I wish I could be like that.

They are the saints and achievers that are making the world go round, and compared to them, I'm a failure.

xxx

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Looking for the 'off' switch

Not feeling top banana tonight, so I'm trying to chill my little brain out and take things easy.

Tiredness and busyness makes the black dog bark louder.

Doubts and negative thoughts creep into my head. Yuk yuk.

I would quite like to turn my brain off and stop thinking about things. Please.

So I'm hoping a bit of knitting and a hot bath will drown the black dog out.

Not that I'm going to be knitting in the bath.

That would be quite tricky.

And maybe a tad dangerous too.

But drowning the black dog in the bath sounds like a fabulous idea.

(N.B no animals have been harmed in the writing of this blog. The black dog metaphorically represents the beast that is depression. Just thought I should make that clear for any new readers....)

xxx

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Keep calm, and have a nap?

Oh is it Tuesday already?!

Time seems to be flying away from me at the moment. Phewy.

On Sunday I got back from a lovely weekend away with the girlies in London town, which was muchos fun.

However, the hour and a half delay on my train wasn't so fun. In fact, it made me swear to never get on a train again. Which perhaps is a slight over dramatic fib, but it did rather send my anxiety levels through the roof.

And now I have my cheeky monkey nephew and sister staying for the week. With is also muchos fun.

I just need a little bit more sleepy time.

Yawn. 

MASSIVE yawn.

I think I have already had approximately 5 glasses of diet coke today, just to keep me awake.

In fact, not really sure why I'm writing this when I could be having a nap.

Ooo nap.

That does sound tempting.

But I have so many things to do, lists, and more lists, reminders, emails, jobs, plus all those little niggly things in my head that I still haven't done.

 Oh and I need to tidy my room. It kind of looks like I've been robbed and the burgalars sifted through all my stuff and realised it was too shitty to steal. Ha.

Must keep calm.

Juggling too much perhaps.

One day at a time.

xxxx

Thursday, 17 October 2013

1,2,3,4

One word...

London.

Two words...

Best friends.

Three words...

I'm super excited.

Four words...

I really hate packing.

xxx

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

A moment in time


I am fully, one hundred and ten per cent, obsessed with this song.

It kind of makes me want to run through a field of corn and collapse laughing into a heap.

Or.

Maybe even run a marathon.

And I hate running.

Thus proving the strength of my devotion for this song.

It also gets me thinking about those words 'a moment in time'.

There are certain things about the future that I have to completely block out of my mind.

I get scared and anxious, and worry that I will get really poorly again. Its a paralysing fear, which is why I try not to think about it. Simples really. Or not really, because sometimes I am faced with thoughts and decisions that lead me back to the anxious fear inside.

ANYWAY.

I don't want to think about that.

I want to concentrate on now.

This moment in time.

Which is how I try to live my life.

I try and focus on the power of this moment.

Its a gift.

A gift that I once wanted to throw away.

But not now.

Of course I do look to the future, but I try and think about fun and exciting things, not the crazy anxious doubts and questions in my head.

Hmm not sure if I'm really making sense so I shall stop now and let you enjoy the song....

xxxx

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Pictures of my mind

Mr B and I are in the middle of cooking a roast dinner (he's Sioux chef, I'm Head chef), but I have a few minutes to spare...

It seems that I'm struggling to write my blog on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday. The reason being 'cuz I'm absolutely knackeroonied from working in the salon.

I know I'm only working part time, so I'm not going to moan, as most people work a full week. But when you've been not working for over 2 years, its very physically and mentally tiring going back into the world of work.

More mentally than physically tiring actually. Especially as people tend to tell you their deepest darkest secrets whilst you're washing their hair. Which makes me go home and worry about them. Silly really. I need to stop myself.

Anyway Mr B got me out of the house last night and we enjoyed a few pints in Bath. It was lovely jubly.

Although I did miss Strictly.

Oh dear. I think I'm becoming middle aged by saying things like that.

Whilst I remember, for anyone who hasn't seen it, here is my latest work.





Its called 'Seascape' and has taken me about 3 months to complete. I  have always been fascinated with the sea, and this painting was inspired by some beautiful waves down in Devon.
 
 
I have always found calm and peace when I am near the sea. It draws me in, and I find comfort in the soft rhythm of the waves. However, the sea also petrifies me. It is a constant theme in my nightmares, as I often dream I'm on a beach as a tsunami hits.
 
 
So these are contrasting layers, one of tranquillity, the other of fear, is what I've tried to convey in this painting. The sea is the unknown, a place full of  mystery and secrets.
 
 
I could bore you with more arty talk, but I shall refrain. And instead let you know that I will soon be creating a website to show my paintings off a little better :)
 
 
xxxx







Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Messy head

My brain is somewhat frazzled this morning.

Yesterday was painful and full of sadness, as I attended the funeral of a dear friend from the village.

Cant write any more about that now, as I'll probably end up sobbing all over my laptop...

Oh I've got a horrible headache today. Yuk.

I think its a result of the tension I was holding yesterday. And I forgot to wear my mouth guard last night so I was probably grinding my toothypegs loads too.

Just feel like I'm keeping my head above the water, trying to stay afloat. Arms and legs flailing against the tide, surrounded by terrifying waves.

My mind is so muddled.

The state of my bedroom is usually a good reflection of how things are in my mind.

Quite simply, its a mess....!

xxxx

Sunday, 6 October 2013

A few things

A few things to point out on Sunday 6th October...

Chew valley lake is absolutely beautiful. Nothing like a walk in the sunshine and breathing in some of that lovely English fresh air. See below for proof.



'500 miles'  is my new favourite song. Ever. (I watched 'Sunshine on Leith' last night, muchos fun.)

Car dancing is my new favourite form of dancing. Mr B's bemused looks whilst I rave away are pretty priceless.

Check out http://www.creativityworks.org.uk/ for all things fun and arty in the South West. And massive thanks to them for sharing my blog on their website.

The 64,000 hits mark has been smashed. Give yourself a hug from me. More thanks to you my dear readers.

The nights may be drawing in, but no need to be glum, as the seasons change, so does the TV programming. Bring on cosy nights in by the fire watching Strictly and Downton.

xxxx

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

The end of an era

 
 
I'd like to take a moment, a quiet moment, to pause, reflect, and say goodbye to my little pink phone.
 
We've  had a great 3 years together, but now the time has come for us to go our separate ways.
 
We've been mocked, laughed at, almost thrown out of the window, but we got through it together.
 
We stayed strong.
 
We knew, deep down, that everyone was just jealous of your cuteness.
 
Nobody believed you had the internet, some even suggested you used dial-up, but you logged on every day, and you were marvellous.
 
Your reflective surface has saved me from many embarrassing bogies up my nose, and basil in my teeth.
 
In awkward social situations, I've been able to whip you out of my bag, you've been my conversation saviour. Immediately I'd hear the compliments and questions flood from in all sides.
 
Well, not always compliments, you have divided a nation. Loved and hated equally, some friends wanted to kidnap you, others threatened to drown you in their pint of beer.
 
I want you to know, that I'm not replacing you. You could never be replaced. Its just that you're a little bit broken, and I've got to roll with the techno times. Apparently its all about touch screens and 4G now, whatever that is.
 
Don't worry, you're not going to be transported to a recycle centre. I wouldn't dream of trading you in for a tenner. Oh no. You will be kept safe, snuggled up in bubble wrap, and in years to come, I'm sure you will carry some antique value...or maybe just some comedy value...
 
 
xxx
 
 

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Sumtun

After spending a large majority of my life in education, when September rolls around each year, I cant help but want to start a new term.

I have an overwhelming urge to buy fresh stationary and sharpen some pencils.

To write neatly on the first page of an exercise book and get excited about a new timetable.

I know that I've probably written about this before, apologies for the repetition...again.

It always feels like the alternative new year for me. But not a happy celebration kind. Its more questioning, reflective, and more often than not, doubtful.

There's also the inevitable not very pleasant memories linked to this month too.

Which is why its been so lovely to spend most of this month away on holiday, as I've been able to ignore this irksome time of year.

I heard it called 'Sumtun' today. Because we're not in Summer anymore, but haven't quite reached Autumn. This merging of words into something that feels odd and uncomfortable, sums up my feelings at the moment. I'm neither here, nor there. 

I'm not there anymore. But I haven't reached that point either.

Confused?

Yeah me too.

Its something to do with that horrible world 'career' that's linked to September I think. And 'choices'. Ooo yeah that's definitely linked to September too.

I sometimes call myself a writer, but I feel like I'm doing a pretty awful job of that at the moment. I don't write on here as much, when I do I feel like I'm repeating myself, and I don't have the confidence to start on any of my other ideas buzzing round my head.

I sometimes call myself a painter, but I'm doing a pretty awful job of that too. I haven't been in my studio for so long. I'm having a major creative block. Some people ask me to think about work for their houses, but I just haven't got the sparkle to paint anything for them. I have ideas, start something, then end up hating it and destroying the canvas.

Anyway.

Good news is, only one more day left of September.

xxx

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Superheros

A friend showed me this picture today....


She also experiences anxiety, so she wasn't laughing in my face or anything. Just thought I should make that clear.

It made me giggle, it made me chuckle, and it also made me think YES, we are all superheroes.

Well, not everyone obviously. But the majority of nice top banana people anyway.

The people that experience anxiety, stress, depression, psychotic episodes, paranoia or obsessions, and are challenged every single day.

You are a superhero.

Honestly, you are.

Don't forget it please.

Because you're here, and you're still fighting.

You're not afraid to seek help, and reach out.

You don't mind talking about how you feel.

You haven't given up.

And that's pretty super.

I also hope, that like me (anxiety girl) you can laugh at yourself.

I may even start wearing my knickers over my jeans just to remind myself that I'm a superhero too.

When I'm having a particularly bad day, I think that may help. Fashioning a small cape could also work. I suggest you could do the same...

I feel like I could write a little more about this...But strictly is almost on, next time heroes.

xxx










Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Staring into space

Well I've spent a productive few days hibernating from the world. But tomorrow I need to venture out of my nest and go back to work.

Yesterday I spent an hour unravelling a ball of green wool.

Really.

It was a great distraction.

Then today I spent an unnaturally long time sitting on my bedroom carpet.

For reasons completely unknown to myself or the carpet.

xxx

Monday, 23 September 2013

No words

Yesterday was full of words.

Happiness.
Laughter.
Sunshine.
Love.
Sea.
Friendship.
Fun.

Today there are no words.

Only sorrow in our hearts.
And comfort in our embrace.


xxx



Monday, 9 September 2013

Double check and triple check

Last post for a little while as I'm off on my hollibobs. Whilst my theme tune for the journey is the cheesy classic, 'Summer holiday', Mr B seems to be singing the Venga Boys.

Not sure which is more tragic.

Anyway, I've been taking some deep breaths and ticking off my lists, so not a lot more I can do now.

Apart from PANIC!

Phew.

Breathe Susie. Breathe.

Think I just need to focus on the beach, the sunshine, the pool.

And forget about the scary airport and plane. Get out of my head. Eekk.

Sunshine.

Beach.

Space.

Right, time for some double and triple checking....

xxx