Wednesday, 29 February 2012

darkness

Today I have mostly been a housewife. But a housewife without a husband or my own house. Hmm maybe I should rethink that sentence then.

Tried to keep the black dog away by fervently cleaning and tidying as much as possible.

It hasnt helped though.

Still feel like shit and now I'm even more exhausted.

Darkness everywhere.

This week isn't going well.

Bollocks.

x

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

I know I sound silly but...

Just spent the past hour browsing ideas for a new tattoo...oooo its an addictive business. I'm thinking about having something related to faith, family, hope (again!), or maybe angel wings. Dunno. But I really want another, and as my birthday approaches, I think it would be a good day to mark it. Maybe. I'm not sure. Ha. Can you tell I'm in an indecisive mood?

What I really wanted to write about was the blind panic and fear that paralyses me when I'm trying to get ready in the morning. Sounds completely ridiculous I know. But this morning was my typical reoccurring nightmare that seems to be happening more and more.

I knew I was going into town, I knew I wanted to look and feel nice. But the annoying thing is my brain twists this and  turns it into striving for absolute PERFECTION. And I know this can't be achieved.  I know I'm doomed to fail. Which makes me feel worse. All I can think about is a great wadge of celebrities and friends that always look amazing. Smiling faces, glossy hair, long legs, gorgeous outfits, chic and stylish. I can't stop comparing myself to these goddesses. I feel like the little dirty urchin, whilst they sit on their beautiful thrones. A wardrobe full to bursting of bargain buys looks back at me, my head is full of outfit ideas, but I don't know where to start. I might finally decide on a dress, then I realise that it makes me look ridiculous, so off it comes, into the pile, and its back to square one. I want to look different, I want to wow. My stomach is in knots, I feel sick, I'm massively late, and  I'm going to cry any second. In fact every time I try something on I'm on the verge of tears, I can feel them building up, I'm SCREAMING inside. My heart is racing, my breathing is irregular, and I just can't handle it.

I know that this behaviour is part of my illness, but its something that hasn't improved at all. In fact at the moment as I'm trying to get out of the house more, its probably getting worse. I really need to get this bit of my brain well again. This comparing stuff is driving me crazy, and its completely out of control.

xx

Monday, 27 February 2012

m and m's (moaning and mondays)

2 weddings in the next 3 months. Nothing to wear. The search begins and I'm already feeling stressed. Everyone always talks about Bridezilla's, well I think I'm Guestzilla. In my quest for the perfect outfit I completely disregard the stress that the bridal party may be feeling as they plan the big day, because, it surely can't compare to my outfit issues. I also have various food allergies, which I'm sure every wedding planner finds ridiculously inconvenient.

Anyway.........

I am once again MOANING.

Apologies.

I definitely woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. It took superhuman strength to get to my art class, the snooze button was irresistible. Even when I got there, my mood failed to improve, I screwed up each incomplete drawing, and plonked them straight in the bin.

Luckily though, a sporadic lunch date with beautiful Sophia perked things up. Although between saying goodbye and walking to the bus station I was suddenly covered in blood. Slight exaggeration maybe. I mysteriously cut it my finger, ouchy.

Ohhhh bugger off black dog....ffs.......

x

Sunday, 26 February 2012

brain freeze

Someone told me it was the 26th February today. Honestly, I had no idea what time of the month it was. The could of said it was the 10th Feb and I would of believed them. My brain has been reduced to mush. Again.

Spent the last 24 hours in Exeter. Fun times.

But sleepy times now.

Dancing times last night.

Love the dance floor.

Gets my endorphins all excited.

Makes me realise just how much I miss my dancing actually. At one point in my life I used to do about 4 classes a week. Ballet, jazz, tap, modern, hip hop.....and now...nothing....Its weird. I started dancing when I was 2, and its always been in my life...Hmm, not any more though.

I loved it. I was totally crap, but I loved it. My place was always at the back, having a sly giggle and knowing that it didn't matter when I made mistakes (which was a lot!) But now.......I dunno. Maybe I'm too scared to start again. The dance world has never been the most friendly, us dancers are sadly renowned for being a little bit bitchy. And I know that's a huge generalisation, but I'm not pointing the finger, I'm fully holding up my hands too.

I just wish....(jeeeez how many times a day does that sentence run through my head?!)

Oh I'm getting all muddled. And now I've realised that its nearly March, which means its nearly April, which means its nearly time for me to turn 26. Bollocks.

x

Friday, 24 February 2012

resting in the dark

Although having a migraine for the past 36 hours has been decidedly unpleasant, it has at least given my body a chance to rest.

The last month has been pretty shitty (February is always a bitch...) and I think my brain decided enough is enough, which resulted in the worst pain I've experienced for a long time. Change, emotional stress and a run of low days has built up and released themselves in the form of this banging headache. Hence the reason for no blog yesterday. Instead of typing away I was lying in a dark room, ready to throw up any second.

Luckily, the pain is gradually subsiding, but I still have a non stop ache which continues to pound through my forehead.

Watching anything that requires me to concentrate is out of the question, so I have stuck on the trusty Sex and the City box set. As I know every line, costume and scenario, I can close my eyes, and just giggle quietly in my room.

xxx

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Miss Piggy and Miss Piggott

One is called Miss Piggy.

The other Miss Piggott.

Both have shiny blonde hair and fabulous dress sense...Although Miss Piggy probably wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of trackies...

They love their long eyelashes...although Miss Piggy can't seem to flutter them in the way Miss Piggott can...(something to do with Muppet's not blinking...Although Miss Piggy denies these rumours...)

One has an ongoing love affair with a gorgeous green frog.

The other has a fantasy relationship with Ryan Reynolds.

Both consider themselves to have voices of angels. They are sadly  mistaken.

One has confidence oozing out of every pore.

The other has a mind full of self doubt and fear. She needs to take some lessons from the spunky Miss Piggy.



x

p.s if you havent already, go and see the new muppets film....!

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

mini moaning

Silly personal trainer man cancelled our meeting today. Fitness regime postponed until further notice. Which meant I spent a considerable amount of my day in bed. Not particularly healthy. Whoops.

And that is where I am going now.

Too tired and grumpy to write.

Fed up of waiting for my life to change.

Would quite like to disappear please.

x

Monday, 20 February 2012

sleepy giggles

I have a very funny story up my sleeve this evening.

But I'm feeling utterly zonked and not especially witty so it may not come out quite right...

Picture the scene...A life drawing class, half a dozen people stood behind their easels drawing a naked lady..About half way through the class, the slightly older gentleman (I'm being kind, he's probably knocking on for 75) next to me quietly piped up to the tutor..."You know, this class isn't really what I was expecting. You see, I thought we would be drawing still life, perhaps a bowl of fruit...!"

Oh the hilarity of it all. Susie got the giggles. Uncontrollably. To the point where my tutor had to jab me in the ribs as the old chap was looking a little embarrassed.

Hehe.

Still giggling.

xx

Sunday, 19 February 2012

laughter medicine

Many of you may have already seen this, but I saw it for the first time last night. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. It felt GOOD. Laughter is superacefantastic. I wish I had some laughing gas on tap (just for emergencies of course...)

So I followed on the theme today and watched some classic Fawlty Towers episodes. Never fails to crack me up. And proves to me that even when I feel like crap, something, somewhere will always make me chuckle.

xx

Saturday, 18 February 2012

black dog is a right bastard

You've broken the 27,000 page views readers! Well done you! Somehow my hideously bad moods, foul language and general darkness hasn't scared you away, and you're still reading my blog...! Which makes me feel like I'm not the only fruitloop in the world, so thank you. I really appreciate it. Lotsly.

I've got a busy week ahead of me full of some irksome appointments. But mostly I'm just looking forward to my life drawing class on monday. Weirdly, its the only thing getting me through this weekend. No idea why. I guess I just love the freedom of expression and excitement it brings me. Think I might do some painting tonight and tomorrow actually. It might soothe my messed up mind.

 I'm keeping myself behind closed doors for the next 36 hours, my depression just needs to be contained, I don't want it to rub off on anyone else. Maybe its not the best idea, but I think I can't imagine why anyone would want to spend time with me at the moment.

Trying my best to hold onto hope but its like searching for my nose stud after I've sneezed and its flown accross the room. Pretty impossible.

I just want to feel needed. Wanted. And despite reassurances, I feel utterly replaceable and a waste of space. I know its my depression thats making me feel like that, but it doesnt make the hurt any less. I even drew a logical diagram the other day, writing down family and friends names, who they need, proving that I'm not part of the picture. Sounds weird I know. The black dog is so manipulative. Twisted.

x

Friday, 17 February 2012

Thursday, 16 February 2012

no bravery

Some people call me brave when I tell them about my blog. They think that sharing my problems with the world is a sign of strength, but its really not. And quite honestly, I often feel like a bit of a fraud. Mainly because I don't put all my thoughts and feelings into this blog. I still hide so much. Convince myself that I can try to ignore certain areas in my life. Pretend that I've got things under control, when really its the opposite.

I feel as if there is no one I can talk to about certain stuff. Yes, I still see my counsellor, but thats been cut down to every other week now. I worry so much about what my close friends and family think of me. I don't want them to think of me badly or in a negative way. It frightens me so much to think of their judgement and possible rejection. I feel like they wouldnt like me or love me in the same way if I told them everything.

Urgh.

Oh I dont know. I'm not making any sense. I just know I've got this huge area in my life that is completley fucked up and I cannot even begin to sort it out. I try. And then I just think, this is way too hard, I'm never going to be able to change my behaviour. But I'm pretty sure that I'm being self destructive. I'm not sure though. Thats just the impression I've got from what other people have said to me, but I cant really see that I am. Although that is probably my poorly brain tricking me into thinking that I dont need to change.

Its so hard though. When my life seems so boring and repetitive, I need something exciting to give me an adrenaline rush. I just dont think my brain is very good at choosing the right thing. My judgement is crap. All I can see is the short term benefits and the instant high, I cant understand or comprehend the long term impact.

I feel so STUCK. Is my life EVER going to change??

I want independence, I want to work, I want to be free from these demons.

fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Trying to think of something positive now to make me feel a little better....but its impossible, my brain is just spiralling.

x

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

mid week catch up

Once again, I have been totally rubbish at keeping this little blog up to date... But, on the positive side, at least I'm getting out and doing stuff, instead of staring into the infinite darkness that can so often used to consume me. And it sometimes still does. I'm just a tiny bit better at fighting it now. Susie is stronger, and that feels good.

Talking about building up my strength, I've got a meeting with a personal trainer next week. Eeek. Its through an NHS scheme called 'Passport to Health', and is for anyone who's been off work for a length of time. So this guy is going to plan an exercise regime for me, and make sure I stick to it. Ha, he's going to have his work cut out! I spoke to him last week and apparently I'm supposed to be doing 45 minutes of heart pumping, sweaty exercise 3 times a week. I think he was a bit taken aback when I laughed down the phone at him. I thought he was joking! I do walk every day, but that doesnt exactly get my pulse racing...unless I'm running for the bus, which rarely happens...!

My stamina levels are so low at the moment, so my main aim is to build on that. And if I get abs like a gym goddess in the process, that will just be an added bonus...

I've got another huge list of things I should be doing, but my nephew has gone for a nap, and I cant help thinking it would be an excellent idea for me to get back in my bed...

Oh bed...you are such a tease.

A never ending temptation.

Must resist your cosy charms...

Well, I guess there's always nap time on the sofa....

xxx

Monday, 13 February 2012

boooo

Once again I am struggling to stay awake. I've consumed way beyond my daily allowance of diet coke already, and it seems to have no effect on my energy levels today. Lesley (who I'm staying with) has a cupboard stuffed full of tasty dairy free treats, so I'm fully sugared and e-numbered up to the maximum.  I should be bouncing off the walls instead of slumping on the sofa.

Not feeling that great really. Bit muddled up and yukky in my brain.

Black dog always likes to creep round when I'm tired. I'm a sitting target!

x

Sunday, 12 February 2012

POoPed

Since last Tuesday I have had the most 2 catchy songs in my head EVER. Anyone watched the film Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore?  Its ultimate cheese on toast. These songs are starting to drive me a little crazy now. And I also keep on doing the co-coordinating dance moves. Which can be a little embarrassing when walking down the road, I just seem to have no control of my hips. Oh dear.  I really wish I was someone else...!

Anyway enough about that...I've had a lovely weekend in Oxford with the girls, and I'm now in Solihull for the week. Its like a mini road trip around England. Well, super mini, its quite tiny really, and I havent actually driven...just got stupid trains instead...

Didnt get to sleep until 4am last night (this morning?!) so I am struggling to keep my peepers open. But I loved busting my dance moves and I havent got too much of a headache...so think I was fairly sensible(ish) with the old alcohol consumption.

No doubt my 3 year old nephew Joshua will provide me with some entertaining stories this week. He never fails to make me smile (apart from when he wakes me up in the night...not such a smiley Susie at 2am..)

Erm yeah. Soooo thats it really. Well its not actually. But I cant find the right words.

One of the things that I'm struggling with at the moment is how my depression can distort things in my brain. I can so easily get situations confused and out of perspective. I can make decisions without thinking through the long term consequences. Its kind of scary, and I feel like I've made no real progress in that area. Which is particularly irritating and frustrating. My brain cannot always work logically and reason properly, it just goes all wonky and confused. And sometimes I don't realize until its too late. Argh I don't know. I think I probably need to cut myself some slack. Remember that Susie's brain is ill, its poorly, and not 100 % better yet. But then I think, no its my brain, and so its my fault, I've done this to myself. I really wish there was a magic cure, a quick fix, because I'm so tired.

I think I need my jammies. Yes. Jammies and a cuddle. And maybe teddy too....!

x
oh and this is the song!!

Thursday, 9 February 2012

just today, not tomorrow

I've been slightly neglectful of the old blogging recently.

Naughty Susie.

Must get back on track. Saying that though, I'm off to Oxford tomorrow for a weekend with the girls...and dont think blogging will be a priority! Chatting, drinking, and stuffing my face full of tasty treats will be the theme of the next few days...

Never mind, its my own squiffy schedule of writing, and I can come and go as I please...(I think I can anyway...?!)

My brain has been doing a lot of spinning recently. Spinning and spiralling. And not in a fun way. Its been really tough trying to keep all my thoughts under control. Exhausting actually. But talking things through and writing never ending lists helps a lot. Its also super satisfying seeing a list with everything ticked off...means I've actually achieved something, hurrah!

I've been thinking a lot about the people who read this whom I don't know personally. And I really worry about some of you. Its heartbreaking to know that so many people suffer from these horrible mental illnesses. But its also heartwarming to know that we can reach out to one another despite not meeting face to face. When I look at my blog statistics, it still blows my brain cells right out of my ears that so many of you take the time to read this. And it gives me hope. Hope that we can help one another. That we can reach out to people and problems that seem unreachable and unsolvable.

 Hmm I don't think I've used very good english skills in that paragraph. I guess I just feel great compassion for other sufferers. Compassion is the right word. Definitley.

I really should have my thesaurus by my side when I write. I repeat myself far too much! Mind you, desicion making is not one of my strong points, so I would probably spend all night faffing around with a thousand different word combinations.

Right, I must get back to list making and taking deep breaths. Must remember just to concentrate on TODAY. Don't think about the week ahead Sooz, you'll just get your brain in a right old tangle.

xxx

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

a funny mixture

Been feeling a slightly overwhelmed over the past couple of days. But I have now ticked things off my list and feel a little less anxious. There just seems to be a lot going on at the moment that's making me feel disjointed and a bit funny (not in a hilarious way...)

Luckily, I had some amazing news today that has put a huge grin on my face! My best friend Laura asked me to be her maid of honour, YAYYY! Had a lovely card from her that made me feel so special. It felt so nice to be chosen, to know that she picked me, and wants me there helping her and supporting her. For me, that kind of reassurance in a friendship is like goldust, and of course I started crying again! Goodness only knows what I'm going to be like on the actual wedding day...Someone may have to order an extra large packet of kleenex either that or a mop and bucket to clear up my puddle of tears!

Actually, its lovely to know that the last 3 times I've cried, its because I've been happy. Tears of joy, of love, happiness and overwhelming delight. Makes a welcome change from the miserable tears that have stained my face over the past year.

Had a lovely relaxing afternoon watching a silly film with Cat, which was also helpful for my anxiety levels. Nearly fell asleep though...whoops!

I still keep on having to take some massive deep breaths though. But its under control...:-)

xxx

Sunday, 5 February 2012

any dream will do

Right.

I am officially the Queen of faffing. Again.

Anyway...Dad and I had a massive bonfire on Friday and whilst we were burning up the garden he started randomly whistling songs from the musical Joseph....I then proceeded to sing the whole show at the top of my voice... (some words slightly changed...eg "close every door to me, make me a cup of teaaaaa!)"

 But now I can't get all these flipping songs out of my head...I keep bursting through doors singing, "Go go go Joseeeeph you know what they say..." Although now I'm trying my best not to sing them out loud...they're still going round and round my head. Annoying.

 So I felt it was best to share it with you all, and then you can feel my pain. It was fun at first, but now just a little bit irritating. Especially as I cant get the image of Philip Schofield wearing just a loincloth out of my head either...(he was the star when I went to see the show many moons ago...I'm not just having weird thoughts about Philip Schofield...)

I'm wittering, and I've got a million things to tick off my list and a pile of clothes on my floor that wont stop growing (probably because I wont stop flinging them around my room...)

xxx

Saturday, 4 February 2012

happy birthday dear blog!

Had a funny feeling that it was coming up to the year anniversary of starting this blog, and typically, I have missed it. Only by two days though...as this blog began on the 2nd Feb 2010. So happy belated birthday dear blog. A trusty companion you have been, getting me through some of my darkest hours...and highlighting the fun times too.

In one year you have had over 26,053 page views, from all corners of the world...

You have received the most wonderful words of encouragement from the most unexpected sources.

You have had packages and flowers in the post from friends and family.

Mix Cd's and tasty treats. Oreos, lucky charms, a leopard print sleep suit, a diet coke jumper, nail varnish, a bright pink stress ball, art books, cute stickers, photographs...All filled with love to make you smile.

A spy tactics Fun Fax was sent your way, that took you peering down memory lane. It still remains a mystery who sent you this...

You have made links and connections, reminding me that I'm not alone.

You have given others hope.

You have made people realise that mental health is OK to talk about.

You have allowed me to get over my fear of technology and discover twitter. Sharing experiences with fellow sufferers, who show the most amazing strength.

You have let me rant, rave, shout and scream. I have laughed, cried, and probably hit the delete button a million times.

But ultimately, you have let the feelings inside me spill out onto your pages. You haven't judged or criticised, you have just accepted.

So many happy returns blog, you really are a top banana

xxx

Thursday, 2 February 2012

winter can be a little bit ace sometimes

So everyone is moaning about how cold it is...surprise surprise it is February folks! Us Brits are never satisfied with the weather, yet we're all strangely obsessed by it...Anyway, I'm a big fan of winter, and I'll tell you for why...(and its got absolutely nothing to do with Christmas! In fact, that's the one downside to winter...)

1. You get to wear cool furry hats/ear muffs and other head wear accessories

2. If you're anything like me, you also get to choose from your wide selection of coats...leopard, tweed, camel, tartan, leather, and of course the ever faithful sleeping bag coat...the choice is yours!

3. OK my next point was going to be clothes related ....so I'll try again....Oh yeah, you don't have to shave your legs as much! (The extra hair keeps your legs protected from the risk of frostbite apparently...)

4. Equally, you don't have to worry about how pale you are, as everything is pretty much covered up. No need for fake tan this month!

5. You can see your lawn sprinkled with fairy dust...(also known as frost..)

6. You don't feel as bad not doing much in the evenings, as everyone else is snuggled up on the sofa too.

7. Your bed feels even more amazing and warm than usual, especially if you've just got your sheets out of the tumble dryer...its like a heavenly toasty cuddle.

8. If you didn't have winter, you'd never have spring. Everything has to have a rest for a little while, in order for it to come back to life and DAZZLE you...(there's a double meaning in there somewhere...)

So there it is, my top 8 reasons why winter is not so bad. Even though the reasons why I don't like it are creeping into my head now......I think I should stop typing....and maybe that's a list for another day...

xxx

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

i want to party like its 1999

I have the biggest urge to put on a sparkly dress, get my heels on and go for a boogie. I want to be dressed up, get excited and feel the buzz. Bright lights, big city. All that jazz. If anyone has a similar urge, please let me know. I cant stand the thought of spending Saturday night in my pyjamas watching shit TV. I need to get out. Saltford is not really cutting the mustard at the moment.

I feel like its a good sign that I want to do stuff....at one point I never even wanted to venture out of the house...I just need more local buddies to have some fun with...Hate being so far away from friends. Village life can make me feel a little isolated and lonely. Which isn't really the best feeling when you're suffering from depression.

I know shouldn't moan, because I do have a few ace friends round here....and next weekend I'm seeing the girls in Oxford which will be immense....But despite these positives, I just can't seem to shake off the gloomy stuff...

xxx