Just spent the past hour browsing ideas for a new tattoo...oooo its an addictive business. I'm thinking about having something related to faith, family, hope (again!), or maybe angel wings. Dunno. But I really want another, and as my birthday approaches, I think it would be a good day to mark it. Maybe. I'm not sure. Ha. Can you tell I'm in an indecisive mood?
What I really wanted to write about was the blind panic and fear that paralyses me when I'm trying to get ready in the morning. Sounds completely ridiculous I know. But this morning was my typical reoccurring nightmare that seems to be happening more and more.
I knew I was going into town, I knew I wanted to look and feel nice. But the annoying thing is my brain twists this and turns it into striving for absolute PERFECTION. And I know this can't be achieved. I know I'm doomed to fail. Which makes me feel worse. All I can think about is a great wadge of celebrities and friends that always look amazing. Smiling faces, glossy hair, long legs, gorgeous outfits, chic and stylish. I can't stop comparing myself to these goddesses. I feel like the little dirty urchin, whilst they sit on their beautiful thrones. A wardrobe full to bursting of bargain buys looks back at me, my head is full of outfit ideas, but I don't know where to start. I might finally decide on a dress, then I realise that it makes me look ridiculous, so off it comes, into the pile, and its back to square one. I want to look different, I want to wow. My stomach is in knots, I feel sick, I'm massively late, and I'm going to cry any second. In fact every time I try something on I'm on the verge of tears, I can feel them building up, I'm SCREAMING inside. My heart is racing, my breathing is irregular, and I just can't handle it.
I know that this behaviour is part of my illness, but its something that hasn't improved at all. In fact at the moment as I'm trying to get out of the house more, its probably getting worse. I really need to get this bit of my brain well again. This comparing stuff is driving me crazy, and its completely out of control.