Saturday, 18 February 2012

black dog is a right bastard

You've broken the 27,000 page views readers! Well done you! Somehow my hideously bad moods, foul language and general darkness hasn't scared you away, and you're still reading my blog...! Which makes me feel like I'm not the only fruitloop in the world, so thank you. I really appreciate it. Lotsly.

I've got a busy week ahead of me full of some irksome appointments. But mostly I'm just looking forward to my life drawing class on monday. Weirdly, its the only thing getting me through this weekend. No idea why. I guess I just love the freedom of expression and excitement it brings me. Think I might do some painting tonight and tomorrow actually. It might soothe my messed up mind.

 I'm keeping myself behind closed doors for the next 36 hours, my depression just needs to be contained, I don't want it to rub off on anyone else. Maybe its not the best idea, but I think I can't imagine why anyone would want to spend time with me at the moment.

Trying my best to hold onto hope but its like searching for my nose stud after I've sneezed and its flown accross the room. Pretty impossible.

I just want to feel needed. Wanted. And despite reassurances, I feel utterly replaceable and a waste of space. I know its my depression thats making me feel like that, but it doesnt make the hurt any less. I even drew a logical diagram the other day, writing down family and friends names, who they need, proving that I'm not part of the picture. Sounds weird I know. The black dog is so manipulative. Twisted.

x

6 comments:

  1. Moods are so up and down aren't they...it's a bit like riding a roller-coaster at times. Enjoy your life class, I know I've enjoyed the art classes I've had...helps to forget about the unmentionable dark animal for a while. :)

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  2. i do the same, shut myself away for days on end, wish i could sleep and never wake up - not die, just not wake up and when i do i would like the depression to have disappeared = as you say, dont want it to rub off on others; my meds were increased in october and cant imagine coping without them yet.

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    1. my depression exactly the same, i keep away from friends cos why would they want to see me. but that is the thing you must do, isolating yourself feeds the Black dog

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    2. that is provided you have any friends left, mine all abandoned me when my husband got disabled, oh sorry was i not available to be at their beck and call all the time, sorry if that sounds jaded but thats how they left me feeling, i wasn't able to help them with things, or go out with them, and in fact i was needing them more than ever, but no they couldn't come round and support me

      guess they were never real friends in the first place then eh

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    3. Thats how i feel all the time, i just want to be left alone, that way i cant upset anyone, or do something wrong, i so wish medication would help me, but they tried everything and nothing helps :(

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  3. didnt realise that others would be able to this so much xxx

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