You've broken the 27,000 page views readers! Well done you! Somehow my hideously bad moods, foul language and general darkness hasn't scared you away, and you're still reading my blog...! Which makes me feel like I'm not the only fruitloop in the world, so thank you. I really appreciate it. Lotsly.
I've got a busy week ahead of me full of some irksome appointments. But mostly I'm just looking forward to my life drawing class on monday. Weirdly, its the only thing getting me through this weekend. No idea why. I guess I just love the freedom of expression and excitement it brings me. Think I might do some painting tonight and tomorrow actually. It might soothe my messed up mind.
I'm keeping myself behind closed doors for the next 36 hours, my depression just needs to be contained, I don't want it to rub off on anyone else. Maybe its not the best idea, but I think I can't imagine why anyone would want to spend time with me at the moment.
Trying my best to hold onto hope but its like searching for my nose stud after I've sneezed and its flown accross the room. Pretty impossible.
I just want to feel needed. Wanted. And despite reassurances, I feel utterly replaceable and a waste of space. I know its my depression thats making me feel like that, but it doesnt make the hurt any less. I even drew a logical diagram the other day, writing down family and friends names, who they need, proving that I'm not part of the picture. Sounds weird I know. The black dog is so manipulative. Twisted.