Some people call me brave when I tell them about my blog. They think that sharing my problems with the world is a sign of strength, but its really not. And quite honestly, I often feel like a bit of a fraud. Mainly because I don't put all my thoughts and feelings into this blog. I still hide so much. Convince myself that I can try to ignore certain areas in my life. Pretend that I've got things under control, when really its the opposite.
I feel as if there is no one I can talk to about certain stuff. Yes, I still see my counsellor, but thats been cut down to every other week now. I worry so much about what my close friends and family think of me. I don't want them to think of me badly or in a negative way. It frightens me so much to think of their judgement and possible rejection. I feel like they wouldnt like me or love me in the same way if I told them everything.
Oh I dont know. I'm not making any sense. I just know I've got this huge area in my life that is completley fucked up and I cannot even begin to sort it out. I try. And then I just think, this is way too hard, I'm never going to be able to change my behaviour. But I'm pretty sure that I'm being self destructive. I'm not sure though. Thats just the impression I've got from what other people have said to me, but I cant really see that I am. Although that is probably my poorly brain tricking me into thinking that I dont need to change.
Its so hard though. When my life seems so boring and repetitive, I need something exciting to give me an adrenaline rush. I just dont think my brain is very good at choosing the right thing. My judgement is crap. All I can see is the short term benefits and the instant high, I cant understand or comprehend the long term impact.
I feel so STUCK. Is my life EVER going to change??
I want independence, I want to work, I want to be free from these demons.
fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Trying to think of something positive now to make me feel a little better....but its impossible, my brain is just spiralling.