Saturday, 30 June 2012

decisions decisions!!

Anyone else hate making decisions??

Oh I have a decision on my shoulders that I'm struggling with right now.

On the one hand there's this....on the other hand there's that.

And this could happen...but also that could happen.

But what if this happens? Yes, but what if it doesn't.

Toss a coin?

Trust in faith?

Let the magic eight ball decide?

Oh curses I don't actually own one...(but should definitly invest in one...!)


I think I need a sign or something.

Then I'll know.

Or is that being weak?

I don't know.

Oh bollocks.


Friday, 29 June 2012

keep focused sooz

Oh thank goodness I am feeling normal (ish) again today.

Yesterday I was stuck in my bed with an agonising migraine, stomach ache, and a crazy temperature.

Proper yuk.

But thanks to great friends and copius amounts of lucozade, I'm feeling soooooo much better now.

Still dont have very much energy though..and the house somehow seems to be getting filthier by the minute, but I just haven't got the strength to do anything about it today.

Which is quite unlike me, I usually love a bit of obsessive cleaning.


I need to find an sitting down activity that doesnt need any brain or muscle power.... perhaps a little bit of sketching...hopefully that will keep my mind focused too....I can feel the black dog scratching at my heels...need to keep him away.....


Wednesday, 27 June 2012

a waxing distraction

For anyone who wants 20 minutes away from the negative thoughts in their annoying brain, take a tip from me....

Book yourself in at your local beauty salon for a wax.

Any kind of wax you want.

Lie back, and scream like a crazy woman.

I thought I could handle pain, I have a tattoo for crying out loud.

But waxing it seems, goes beyond the limits of my pain threshold.

On the plus side, it was a distraction, and I am now hair free.

More top tips in avoiding the black dog tomorrow folks....


Tuesday, 26 June 2012

A question of control

Sometimes I believe too much in fate. I rest too comfortably in the knowledge that whatever will be will be.

Although this thinking can give me hope and comfort, by placing too much emphasis upon it, the question of how much control I have on my life can become confusing.

In some areas of my life I'm realising that I allow other people to have the control.

Why do I do this? I'm not really sure.

Is it because I don't think I'm worthy of making brave decisions and allowing myself to make tough choices?

Do I forget that I have the power to change certain things about my life?

Or is it simply because I hate making decisions. I find them scary and hard, and I will do anything to run away from them.

Decisions, control, change, being real with myself. It all seems kind of linked somehow.

It seems that I'm contradicting myself on a daily basis, as they are elements of my life that I absoloutley have to have control over.

I have to sit in the same seat to have dinner.
I have to have the same knife and fork.
I have to chop up my food into small pieces before I attempt eating it.
I have to carry a small stone in my pocket, wherever I am.
I have to count to 17 three times when checking a door is locked.
I have to have the door closed when I'm in a room.

And those are just a few of my obsessive habits. But they make me feel better, and they help me to feel in control when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my weird brain.

Oh dear, I'm sounding like a little bit of a headcase today....!

I just need to work these things out....and writing helps.. I need to find some bravery to remind myself that its MY LIFE and no-one else has the right to have any control over it.

And now I can't resist but insert one of my favourite scenes from Sex and the to be REAL!


Sunday, 24 June 2012

edge of my seat...

I've been in the weirdest mood all day.

In retrospect, sleeping for 13 hours probably wasn't the best idea.

But it felt good.

And it is a Sunday. Officially the day of rest.

So maybe I won't feel too bad about that...

I've been doing some painting and stuff, trying to shake off my strange mood.

It does help actually....

Although now I'm just really restless again because the football is about to start, and lets face is, watching England in a quarter final isn't ever relaxing. Exciting? Yes. Disappointing? Probably.... Not that I want to be all negative and stuff, I'm purely basing my opinion on past England experiences! Maybe we will win. I don't want to jinx it though. And I love Roy, he is my fav. Along with Joe Hart of course....(swoon..!) Anyway, I've been wearing my England shirt all day in the hope that it will bring them good luck and positive vibes....(superstitious much?!)

Oh dear, I'm wittering away....I'll stop in a minute.

I've just popped on these two images by Antony Gormley as they are becoming part of my inspiration for a set of paintings....just in the early stages at the moment but I'm fascinated with how the human form connects to the space around it. And the way this can be represented. Hmm sounds kinda weird but we'll see what happens....


Connection III, 2000, Antony Gormley
Clime, 2000, Antony Gormley

Saturday, 23 June 2012

high 555555's

Despite starting the day with a killer headache (I got a bit wine happy in the pub last night...) I have managed to get out of bed and achieve something.

High fives all round please.

In all fairness I think the amount of diet coke that I've consumed in the last 7 hours has got quite a lot to do with it. Man alive I would be lost without that liquid goodness.

So, the little project thats now complete is my art studio. I had been pondering the idea of turning the spare garage into an art space for a while....and after some excellent help and ace DIY skills from Daddy Piggott, the studio is now complete. Its really quite exciting.

And not just because now I have so much more room to do my painting and stuff, but also because I had an idea, and I actually followed it through. I completed it. I did it! I didn't fail! AWHOOOOO!


This is a good feeling.

I think more high fives are in order.

Maybe people think I'm making a fuss over nothing, but when you've been paralysed with the fear of failure for so long, its just so uber fantastic when you take a risk (doesn't matter how small) and it all works out. And again, people might think "ermm she's not taking a risk, she's only painting a garage and sticking up some boards", then I would say bugger off to you, because for me, any idea I have that I say out loud feels like a risk, because I'm so scared of failing. So there. HA.

Massively realise my grammar is awful but I'm just running with my train of thought tonight! Its in a little bit of a manic mode, but in fun crazy way I think...:)


Thursday, 21 June 2012


We all need beauty in our lives. I know I've wittered on about this before.

But some things need repeating.

Especially when I have a tendency to forget things....Beautiful things make me feel better.

So no more words, just beauty...

Evening sky above the Homeplace, Virginia

Horsefield, Camp Alta Mons, Virginia

Sheep Meadow, New York City

Niagara Falls, American side

Sky above Camp Alta Mons, Virginia

Aberdovy beach in February

Sunset at Clevedon

Castle cove, Dartmouth

 Devon in September

Footprints at Torcross

Boat in the rain,Torcross

Evening sunset in Saltford

Sunshine on the water, Collioure, France

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

bad sooz

Not feeling the best.

But attempting to occupy my mind as much as possible with an idea for a new art project/series of paintings.

Really trying to focus on that.

But its so f**king hard when I feel like shit.

Hate this.


Tuesday, 19 June 2012

good day sunshine

Hello sunshine! I have missed you. As has everyone else in Britain.

I get annoyed when my Mama obsesses about the weather (especially as she is about to embark on an 8 week trip to Italy and America...she really has no reason to moan!) But the last couple of weeks have been particularly shitty weather wise, and have made me want to scream at the persistent rainclouds and run away  to the equator..(cuz its definitely hot down there right...? Ho ho.)

I even had a woolly cardigan on last week.

And the heating on.


However, today the shorts have made an outing, and the woolly cardy is back in the cupboard. Hurrah.

Trouble is I felt particularly middle aged when I looked out of the window and thought to myself, "Its a good day for washing and drying the towels."

Oh crap. What a loser. I must go and do something really young and hip now to get me far away from this moment of middle aged madness....


Monday, 18 June 2012

i heart paloma

Paloma Faith is my new girl crush.

Well not a crush exactly, I just think if we met, we'd be friends. Maybe not best friends. But she could give me makeup tips and I could teach her not to speak with such an Essex accent.

I know most people think she's kind of crazy, but I like that about her.

Not only does she have an amazing voice, but her songs are pretty catchy too. And her lyrics tell stories that I think anyone who has been in a relationship can kind of relate ain't all roses and flowers you know. Sounds obvious, but I had to learn that the hard way! In fact I can't believe how much of a hopeless romantic I used to be. I'd have those rose tinted glasses on so quickly. Oblivious to seeing the other persons flaws. Silly Susie. Ah well, luckily (or unluckily..?!) that's all been squashed and now I'm just a cynical bitch! Ha.

Anyway, I diverted there, back to Paloma. I love how she obviously doesn't care what people think. She's always in the 'what were you thinking??' section of heat magazine, sporting some eccentric jumbled up outfit, but somehow, honestly, I think she still pulls it off. Maybe because she's smiling, maybe its the bright red lipstick that she's applied, and maybe because she just oozes confidence.

She seems comfortable in her own skin. Proud of who she is. I'd like a bit of that please Paloma.

Here is a little quote from her,

"The whole record's about taking sad situations, tragedy, hurt, and heartache, and trying to give them a sprinkling of hope...."


Sunday, 17 June 2012

inception...oooo what was that about?!

So I realise I'm a little out of date with watching the latest films and stuff....but really, how crazy is Inception??

Man alive that film got into my brain and embedded itself into all the little dark crevices last night.

Dreams, reality, getting stuck in limbo, dreams within dreams, planting ideas into peoples heads....Ooh it was all the stuff I think about and hope isn't actually true. But it was coming at me in high definition on a 47 inch television. That's a whole lot of widescreen reality.

In fact I was getting so taken in by it all that I had to ask Laura quite a few times that the film wasn't based on a true story. I just needed to hear it from someone else. Ha. I can laugh at the gullible nature of my brain now, but last night it wasn't so funny!

Anyways I shall put all that aside for now and concentrate on the task in hand for today....Wedding dress shopping for Laura, whoooopedo! Bring it on...! (and just to remind myself, this is reality, and it feels good...)


Saturday, 16 June 2012

lazy smiley sooz

Oh dear naughty Susie has yet again failed to blog over the past few days. Whoops.

Nevermind. These things happen. And I shall try not to feel too bad for neglecting my witterings....

Anyway, today is Saturday (I think) and I'm currently sat on the sofa, still in my pyjamas, in a semi state of consciousness after having a marvellous night out celebrating England's victory. Singing vindaloo at the top of my voice was a highlight of the evening. I just wish I'd had an England cape, as I spent a lot of time having massive flag envy.

My hair is looking particularly wild due to the amount of back combing that went into getting the perfect beehive like style last night. Its going to take some serious muscle to get tame these tresses.

Hmm. A personal stylist/make up artist/ hairdresser would be really handy right now.

I think we're going to venture out later for some proper tasty fatty/carbohydrate based food. Yum. Although it seems like a massive effort to move off the sofa right now. Hopefully the 6 glasses of diet coke I've been glugging down will kick in soon and give me a major energy boost.

For now though, I'm going to lay back, stretch out and enjoy this lazy weekend...

And actually I probably need to conserve some energy as tomorrow afternoon I'm putting on my maid of honour badge.... as bride to be and bezzie mate Laura has a very important decision to make, and the wedding dress shops of Manchester are waiting for us! Excitement!


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

reach out

Trying to draw a line under yesterday, but its kinda hard. Especially as all the angst I experienced released itself into a horrible tension headache for most of today. Yuk.

But luckily last night my lovely friend Cat took me out of the house and we went for a drink.

She listened, and accepted. Understood and gave me hugs.

And I felt so much better.

Two years ago I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. And it was unbearable. It built up inside of me like a nasty creature taking over my body.

I know how hard it is to tell people how you're feeling, but if anyone out there is struggling, please reach out. There are people who love you and will accept the way you are, and you don't have to walk this shitty rocky road on your own.


Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Frustration with a capital F

Good evening and welcome to my new readers in Brazil, Colombia, Ecuador, Nigeria, Turkey, Argentina and Romania.

This blog is getting truely worldwide now. Think the only continents I haven't reached are Antarctica and the Arctic. So if anyone is doing some polar exploration, log on when you're chilling your ass off in your tiny tent, and try to forget about getting frostbite.

I wish I had some funny anecdotes for you all tonight, but the reality is, I've had a truely crappy day.

Tuesdays continue to be shit. I don't like them. Lets make a six day week and get rid of Tuesday all together. I think this could be a masterful plan. Who's with me??

Argh. I'm so frustrated. And feeling quite a lot of rage building up in me. RAAA.

Surely there has to be something better than this? Something a little more hopeful than this crappy existence I seem to be drowning in.

 When will things change? Will I ever get better? Is my life going to be like this forever?? Because that's what it feels like. I'm going to be stuck at home, beating this depression and obsessively cleaning for the rest of my life. And if it is going to be like this, then I would rather know now.

I have been dragged to hell and back over the last 18 months and now I'm stuck in purgatory. Am I being punished? That's what it feels like. It feels like I don't deserve anything other than this. That I deserve to suffer with this forever. Only ever glimpsing into moments of happiness. Snatching moments of laughter when the black dog is asleep.


Monday, 11 June 2012


Uh oh, Susie is looking at tattoo designs again. This could be painful. Or expensive. Probably both.

Ah well.

I've been thinking of having another tattoo for a while now, so just trying to experiment with some ideas. I want an image not words this time. Something around the love, hope, faith area. Possibly incorporating hearts, or wings? Or both. I'm not sure. I don't want it to look tacky or unoriginal.

Tricky. I also cant decide where to have it. I always think wings look cool on peoples backs, but then you can't actually see it I'm thinking maybe the side of my body? Or maybe my arm again? Oh decisions decisions. But fun decisions, so I'm not complaining. I'm just totally rubbish at making up my mind! Little miss indecisive.

And what I should be doing of course is not designing body art but ticking off stuff on my list of Very Important Things To Do. Yes, capital letters really matter here. They make me feel like my list is worthwhile and I'm doing useful things. When actually, I just create a list to make myself feel like I'm not a total waste of space. Which is how I feel most of the time.

I do realise I have just contradicted myself. But this is what my brain does. It doesnt make much sense.


Sunday, 10 June 2012

one too many questions

Headache and horrible hacking cough. Yuk. Had to cut down to 3 cigarettes today so feeling slightly on edge.

Oh and my bedroom has been overtaken by three lovely but slightly crazy children.

I was given the complete third degree from a very inquisitve 8 year old, who finished her questioning with... "Susanna, if you don't work, what exactly do you do?"

Good bloody question... still thinking of the answer to that one.... (insert confused/sad panda face here..)


Saturday, 9 June 2012

distracted by distractions

Started writing a little story this afternoon, but having a few problems with a blockage at the front of my brain.

Well, that and I kept on getting distracted.

I find it so tricky sometimes because I want to skip the process and just get to the result. Its a very frustrating habit...(which continues to pop up in quite a few areas of my life...) Its especially annoying when you have a whole story in your head and you just want to insert a magic stick into your brain and TA-DA it would be finished.

I'm totally crap at concentrating as well at the moment. I have got loads better but I think I still begin to fall asleep around the 20 minute mark.

Its not just that either, but when I'm writing, I have so many ideas, thoughts and images going through my head, its really hard to zoom in on the correct ones. I get side tracked by colours, characters or random feelings, and then suddenly I'm wandering down a completely different path.

Focus would be a good word here.

Yes, I need to focus.

But first, I will have a smoke and some wine...teehee.


Friday, 8 June 2012

a little brighter

Apologies for the lack of bloggage last night. But I was out having fun. And that just seemed to be much more important.

I could tell you all about my Thursday night adventures, but I feel I need to keep some air of mystery about my life...So no juicy nuggets of gossip for this entry. Sorry to disappoint you readers.

However, the point I'm trying to make (in a very long winded way...) is that I got out of the house and enjoyed myself, and after a few shitty days, it was a good reminder that I'm stronger than I realise.

Sometimes, I look back over the past 18 months and I can hardly believe some of the things I've achieved. Stuff to most people would seem pretty silly and insignificant, but to me, I seem to have climbed Everest a couple of times. And most importantly, I'm still here to tell the tale! WHOOP!!

I should think that thought more often really. Its quite a good one. Need to pop it in my pocket and shove it right into black dogs snout when he's having a go at me.

Talking of dogs, well metaphorical ones, I actually have an unmetaphorical (is that a word?!) dog staying with me this weekend. She's a little westie called Daisy and she's completely nuts, but the most gorgeous bundle of cuteness. She weirdly seems to be rather fascinated with my nose, and tries to lick it at every opportunity. I never knew how enticing my nose was, and hope she soon gives up on her Susie nose crush. Its lovely having a dog back in the house again, even just for a few days, although it does make me miss my dear old pooch Bella.


Wednesday, 6 June 2012

another day

This song kind of says it all today... I know I've mentioned it before in a previous blog, but the words are so fitting for my mood.... they give me hope and reassurance...and I seriously need that in my life. Well, I think we all do really. But I need it shoved down my throat and stuck in front of my eyes 24/7 for it even to mildly sink in. (Or tattooed on my wrist...ha!)

Obviously the kind of romantic words doesn't really fit with my life at the moment... and I doubt they ever will, but nevermind I'm not going to thing about that... I've focused on the words that do help me, and highlighted them in bold...

"Another Day" by James Taylor
Wake up Susie, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light, oh,
finally this morning, I'm feeling whole again, it was a hell of a night.
Just to be with you by my side, just to have you near in my sight.
Just to walk a while in this light, just to know that life goes on.

Wake up Susie, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light.

Another night has gone, life goes on, another dawn is breaking.
Turn and face the sun, one by one, the world outside is waking.
Morning light has driven away all the shadows that hide your way.
And night has given away to the promise of another day.

Another day, another chance that we may finally find our way.
Another day, the sun has begun to melt all our fears away.
Another day, another day.

Oh, wake up Susie, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

black dog barking

I think I have over indulged in jubilee related activites, and now I'm exhausted. Good job these things only happen once in a lifetime.

Feeling particuarly muddled and spaced out.

No idea what day it is, or what I'm supposed to being doing. Just disorientated and confused.

My mind and body have been stretched beyond normal capabilities. I think my bed is calling me, before I fall off this chair.

Headache and sickness have been haunting me all day. Boo. Yuk. Go away please.

Those all too familiar feelings of failure and shittiness have also been hanging around a little too much for my liking.

Would quite like to change my personality, my face, my life situation, basically EVERYTHING. I think about other people, and the feeling of envy just refuses to budge. Its irritating.  I always to be someone else, believing that their life is so much better than mine. And logically speaking, it may not be true, but black dog says its true, and its kind of hard to drown him out.


Monday, 4 June 2012

a right royal distraction

teeny blog as one of my favourite ever people is on the TV...Annie lennox...and I majorly need to steal her angel wings...

congratulations Queeny, you are ace, and I am most proud to have met you. Anyone who wants to touch my hand (and therefore be only 1 handshake away from her majesty) is welcome to do so...for a small charge of course...ha ha.

more tomorrow I think....


Sunday, 3 June 2012

just sing

Just finished watching a really top banana of a programme, following Gary Barlow as he made the new Jubilee single 'Sing'. He travelled all over the commonwealth recording a variety of people singing and playing for the track.

If you haven't heard it, its well worth a listen, and watching the programme tonight has reminded me just how powerful music can be.

I'm certain that many of us take music for granted. We can download tracks in an instant, choose from more than a dozen radio stations, click on you tube and see whats popular, or just go straight to our CD collection. Music is at our fingertips whenever we need it. But do we really appreciate the powerful effect it has on us?

Music can influence our mood, it can make us feel hopeful, melancholy, joyful, crazy, energised, and even sleepy. It can generate memories from our past, bringing up old friends to the forefront of our minds. It can remind us of breakups, bereavements, birthdays. Music can conjure up images and feelings that were perhaps lost or forgotten about. It can make us feel embowered and strong, allowing ourselves to connect through melody and words.

Music has always played an important part in my life. I feel naked without my ipod on, and would find it impossible to pick out my favourite all time song.

 But particulary in the last 18 months, music has been able to reach inside of me, into the darkest places, into corners that I thought were untouchable. Certain songs have given me hope. They have allowed me to cling onto lyrics, reassuring me that I'm not alone in my battle against the black dog. Songs have sometimes been my only companions as I wandered through the darkness. They have encouraged me to keep fighting, to stay calm.

In a world in which many of us feel alone, even if we're surrounded by people, music can provide a connection for us. It allows us to escape, to be part of something else for just a few minutes. It can take us away from the darkness and dip us into the light.

Here is some of that light for you....


Saturday, 2 June 2012

a few preparations

Felt absolutely knackered today, so decided to listen to my body and be a lazy girl. Watched too much telly and about to veg out on some dairy free ice cream. Nom nom.

Half heartedly getting ready to go away tomorrow, but I hate packing, and its only for a few days so I may just leave things to the last minute...

I have however, begun my jubilee preparations. The bunting is out and my nails are now adorned with patriotic colours. I think the Queen would appreciate this attention to detail.

I am also ready to retell my story of when I met the Queen to anyone who will listen. Well, if you can't talk about your brush with royalty this weekend, when can you?

Perhaps a special jubilee edition of the blog will feature at some point over the weekend...or maybe not, who knows. Depends if I can be bothered or not really...!

But mostly, I'm quite excited about covering myself in Union Jack flags and eating all things British.

Dreading the 3 hour drive in the car tomorrow though. Yuck. Being trapped in a car is not good for my anxiety levels. Hopefully I will just have some nap time...and fingers crossed we don't get stuck in a monster traffic jam else I might have to fling myself out of the window!


Friday, 1 June 2012

who wants to play?

Susie wants to get out of the house.

She wants to go and play.

But she has no playmates tonight.

Susie is a sad panda.

Therefore, Susie the sad panda welcomes any play related offers or suggestions....(as long as they don't involve eating bamboo...)