Tuesday, 26 June 2012

A question of control

Sometimes I believe too much in fate. I rest too comfortably in the knowledge that whatever will be will be.

Although this thinking can give me hope and comfort, by placing too much emphasis upon it, the question of how much control I have on my life can become confusing.

In some areas of my life I'm realising that I allow other people to have the control.

Why do I do this? I'm not really sure.

Is it because I don't think I'm worthy of making brave decisions and allowing myself to make tough choices?

Do I forget that I have the power to change certain things about my life?

Or is it simply because I hate making decisions. I find them scary and hard, and I will do anything to run away from them.

Decisions, control, change, being real with myself. It all seems kind of linked somehow.

It seems that I'm contradicting myself on a daily basis, as they are elements of my life that I absoloutley have to have control over.

I have to sit in the same seat to have dinner.
I have to have the same knife and fork.
I have to chop up my food into small pieces before I attempt eating it.
I have to carry a small stone in my pocket, wherever I am.
I have to count to 17 three times when checking a door is locked.
I have to have the door closed when I'm in a room.

And those are just a few of my obsessive habits. But they make me feel better, and they help me to feel in control when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my weird brain.

Oh dear, I'm sounding like a little bit of a headcase today....!

I just need to work these things out....and writing helps.. I need to find some bravery to remind myself that its MY LIFE and no-one else has the right to have any control over it.

And now I can't resist but insert one of my favourite scenes from Sex and the City....got to be REAL!


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