Monday, 30 April 2012

fuzzymuzzyspiralling

An excellent morning, back in the studio doing my life drawing class.

Unfortunately, the day has slowly but surely gone downhill since then...

My head hurts, my belly feels weird, and everything is all fuzzy in my brain.

As my mum just pointed out to me, "I can tell when you're not feeling great Sooz because you start getting paranoid about things again. That's you're poorly brain talking, don't listen to it!"

Wise words Mama, but I can feel this paranoia spiralling and I can't get a grip of it...I wish I could, because it leads to self doubt, insecurity and confusion. Feelings that are so familiar to me and after all my hard work and perseverance, still refuse to budge. Bastards.

x

Sunday, 29 April 2012

hope and JOY

Had the most interesting and memorable evening last night. I was invited (along with Mama and Papa Piggott), to a good friends 21st birthday celebration. Our friend Abigail, is Nigerian, and I have never been to a party so full of joy. Smiles and dancing everywhere. Warm handshakes and hugs aplenty. I loved every minute. Abigail is such a shining light, and the party epitomised all her best qualities.

It was a really interesting cultural experience too. Everyone was so relaxed and welcoming. So at ease with one another. Young and old danced together, and not in separate little groups, but all as one, making sure not to exclude people. The food was immense too. Yum yum.

It was also an alcohol free zone, and actually, although it was a Saturday night, I didn't even miss it. It was good to see everyone so high on life without alcohol. Not that I'm going to turn tee-total or anything, but it was good to see.

We were the only white people at the party, and at first, I felt really self conscious. I imagined everyone was thinking what an English bore I was. My clothes felt all wrong, and I just wanted to change the colour of my skin. I felt really uncool and just so old fashioned, and so so ENGLISH! It was a strange experience and gave me a small insight as to what life must be like when the tables are turned. But ultimately, I wanted to feel like I belonged, and as soon as the dancing started, I was dragged up and felt like I was one of the crowd.

I'm not sure why I'm writing so much about it....But I just know its one of those nights that I'm never going to forget. And when you have months of non existent days, when weeks blur into one another, its rather exciting when days and events begin to STICK OUT at you. They shout 'REMEMBER ME SUSIE! YOU HAD FUN! YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!' ...I know I need to cling onto that...

To keep on clinging onto that hope and know I can experience some of that infectious joy once again...

xx

Friday, 27 April 2012

BIG yawn

Far too sleepy to write.

Brain is zonked and therefore unable to direct thoughts through to my fingertips. Instead, these musings have become slightly lost somewhere along the way. Its possible they're in my stomach though, as I'm feeling a little bit nauseous. Yuk.

Such is the effect that 3 hour train journies have on my mind and body.

Bed is calling....

xxx

Thursday, 26 April 2012

what the water gave me



'What the water gave me' Frida Kahlo



Frida Kahlo is one of my favourite artists. She was an inspirational woman, and battled the most horrific physical injuries, as well as struggling with personal angst and depression. I've always been drawn to her work as she uses such vibrant colours and interesting symbolism.

However, this isn't an art history lesson, and I'm not going to witter on much longer.

I've picked out this painting today because I can recognise the confusion and paranoia that is stimulating her subconscious. Sometimes, its only when I lie in the bath that I can recognise particular images that come forward in my mind. All day they might have been running past the window of my eyes, and I can't quite pinpoint what they are. But in a semi state of relaxation, somewhere on the way to sleep, these pictures become clearer. Later, in the middle of the night, they can come back again in my dreams and nightmares, whereas others fade away for a while...

My mind is so full of pictures and colour it can get ridiculously overwhelmed and crowded. Finding space and time to reshuffle things and meditate on the most poignant images is time well spent. And I'm realising now its a necessity.

xxx



Wednesday, 25 April 2012

laughter

In an attempt to distract my 3 year old nephew from his repetitive questioning, I decided on broaching the subject of religion (I like to take his mind on a different intellectual journey from IgglePiggle).This will take his mind off asking for a snack I thought, as I proceeded to ask him what happened at Easter, "Jesus came alive!" he replied. "And what happened next?" I asked, "Everyone was very very happy!"

Well, I couldn't argue with that, and began to realise that this may be a shorter discussion than I had hoped for.

 So, I took a different path. "Can you tell me the Christmas story then Joshua?" Aha, I was met with a pensive stare, I could see him searching through his memory box...this may take a while...

"Santa comes!" he finally grinned at me. "Yes Joshua, thats right. But can you tell me what happened in the stable?" Another rub of the chin and shake of the head. "Who arrived with Mary and Joseph, can you remember?" I could tell he was really thinking about this one. And suddenly, he told me, "The Beekeeper!!"

Fits of giggles followed.

Love my nephew.

xxx

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

false start

I keep on thinking and feeling like I've got loads of things to do, but I keep forgetting them.

People I need to ring, or text, reply to emails.

Arrangements to sort out and organise.

Tasks to complete.

Plans that I've started but haven't finished.

Ideas I've talked about but haven't done anything about.

Friends I keep thinking about but I still fail to get in touch with.

My brain is full of these nagging expectations and reminders that won't stop following me around.

And they make me feel rubbish because I feel like I've already failed stuff before I've even started. Its like I'm failing by not doing anything. Which makes me feel shitty.

Oh I know I don't make much sense.

I just don't know what I'm doing!

Methinks the black dog is behind this...paranoia, confusion, feeling completely rubbish...Yes it has all the trademarks of the black dog, who obviously has been creeping up on me unawares...

x

Monday, 23 April 2012

monday mixture

Half typing, half watching Corrie. Ooh distractions. Also waiting for the tesco man to deliver some food so my tummy is feeling rather empty.... and thinking about what my lovely sis is gonna make me for tea...mmm..food...

Managed to complete an epic train journey this afternoon. Although my anxiety levels sky rocketed, and I very nearly threw up my coco pops, I did make it. Thank goodness for train changes in Birmingham though, twenty minutes to have a fag and take in some fresh(ish) air. Also reminded me how much I want to be back in the Midlands, felt like home again.....

So, away for a few days again, before my courses start again next Monday and I can get back into my routine. Hurrah.

Feel like I've got quite a lot to type but I'm knackered and my brain isn't really working. Yawn.

Must remember to give myself some space this week....and something else....but I have already forgotten what it is. Curses.

Bed is calling I think...

x

Sunday, 22 April 2012

lovely

Hmmm sleepy Susie...accidentally napped for a few hours this afternoon....whoops...

Mind you it has been a busy weekend...eating tons of yummy food, putting my style adviser hat on in the bridal shop, relaxing at the thermae spa, drinking a little bit too much wine (detox has gone out of the window), and of course, lots of chatting...and that can really tire out your voice muscles out....haha...So perhaps busy is the wrong word....its been relaxing and just darn spankingly lovely. Super special spending quality time with my bezzie mate and bride to be Laura.

Heard this song on the radio yesterday and I must say, I'm quite a fan. When I first heard it I thought it was just another love song, but watching the video and hearing it again, I have changed my mind. I guess its how you interpret things, but I think its about all relationships. Whether its between families, friends or lovers, its about the unbreakable bond between us. A bond that can be stretched to breaking point at times, but through persistence, hope and love, the bond can only grow stronger. Pretty encouraging I must say. Not sure about Jason's hair though....I think he should of given up on that style years ago....hohoho what a joker I am!


xxx

Friday, 20 April 2012

a dollop of hope

I often find myself contemplating why this depression and anxiety decided to take root in my mind. I used to think it was my own fault, but now, I'm finally realising its not.

When life takes you on an unexpected path, your mind can be overwhelmed with questions. Whats the point? Whats going to happen to me? Why am I here? Why has this shitty illness descended on me? Am I ever going to get better? And its only when someone else reaches out for help, that I can begin to see the meaning of my journey.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty understanding person, someone who could sympathise and listen. But its only since I have been to hell and back, that I can truly empathise with the darkness that many people are still living within. I now understand just how scary life can be, and how your brain can play horrible tricks on you. I realise how much courage it takes to tell your friends and family that you're struggling. That when you make that first appointment with your doctor, you have to dig out every last ounce of strength in your body.

I know that your brain thinks its easier to pretend things are fine. Flippin heck I tried to do that for so long. But actually admitting things aren't right, is a darn sight easier than having to play the 'I'm OK' routine every day.

I realise that I'm possibly repeating things I've said in previous blogs, but I guess I just want to encourage and reach out to others who are struggling. I am by no means 100% recovered, and I don't think I'll ever be a glass is half full kind of girl, but I have made progress. Its taken a ridiculous amount of time, energy, support, and courage, but I know things are better than they were this time last year.

Last year my mind could never fully concentrate on anything. Why? Because all I could think about was how much I wanted to die. I was consumed by suicidal thoughts, and haunted by the knowledge that I was just an empty shell. But now that shell is slowly being built back together again. I have been able to rediscover things about myself, things that had been ripped out of me, but are slowly coming back.

I am not a deeply religious person. I have my own faith and beliefs that sometimes get a bit wonky, but however small, still remain. I'm not a fan of others shoving their own beliefs down my throat, so please don't be offended by the following verse. Whether you believe or not, you can take it out of its biblical context and concentrate on the words.  Hope and a future. For me, those words are inextricably entwined and encourage me to keep fighting.

         "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

As I carry on this crazy journey, I can only hope that I am able to use something of my own experience to help others.


xxx

Thursday, 19 April 2012

p.r.o.g.r.e.s.s :)

BOOM!

I survived my birthday!

Not only that, I also had a pretty good time. I smiled. I laughed. I scared myself shitless going on a huge Ferris wheel in Bristol. I dressed up as a cowgirl. I ate loads of fried chicken and drank a galleon of diet coke and cider (not together.) I also took advantage of the fact that on your birthday you can be really bossy. I never knew that, but I certainly put it to good use.

I was also totally overwhelmed by the amount of thoughtful messages, cards and presents I received. My family and friends are totally top bananas. They all deserve medals for sticking by crazy old, high-maintenance me. THANK YOU.

And, actually, I think I enjoyed being made to feel like it was my special day...

Hmm? Whats that? Did someone whisper the word 'progress' in my ear??

I THINK SO!

Up yours mr beastie black dog! MOOOOOHHAHAHA!

xxx

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

bastard black dog doing my head in!!!

Oh bollocks.

I'm confused and feel rubbish. I dont want it to be tomorrow thanks very much.

Last nights nightmares still haunting me.

Running, chasing...always losing...always failing...

xxx

Monday, 16 April 2012

out of focus


Think this is a good representation of my brain tonight... thanks Mr Bacon....






Francis Bacon, Self Portrait 1976


x

Sunday, 15 April 2012

tired and spiralling

Tired.

Belly ache.

Tired again.

Brain ache.

Yawn.

Going to be 26 on Wednesday. I don't want to be 26. But at least I'm not ignoring the day this year. But I still don't feel top banana about it. But I don't ever really feel top banana about anything. I just want to stay 25. Oh. Bugger. Too many but but buts....Oh fuckity.

Everyone is reaching and goal chasing and achieving and doing and living and marrying and having babies and getting all happy and smiley. And I'm still here!! And I don't care that was a stupidly long sentence and I'm being extraordinarily grammatically incorrect. Well maybe I do. I pretend not to care about lots of things. I pretend I don't want lots of things because I know I'm never going to have them, so its easier to say I don't want them. But I do. And it makes me feel worse. And getting older just rubs it all in. Again. Bloody brilliant.

Confused Sooz.

Brain spiralling.

Lets have a cigarette and make it stop for 2 mins.

x

Saturday, 14 April 2012

a mini reflection

Unpleasant headache all day due to the amount of alcohol consumed last night.

Its definitely time for a detox. I think I have been overindulging myself over the past week. Therefore, for the considerable future no wine or cider shall pass my lips.... (I'm being purposely vague as a time frame will just annoy me...)

Hangovers are never fun, but last night was very enjoyable, so I shall refrain from moaning tonight.

Actually, I shall pop a little photo on here of my holiday, just to confirm and remind myself that I was full of smiles...also I had just walked up a huge hill that I never ever thought I would reach. Miracles can happen folks. And here's the proof for you...


xxx

Friday, 13 April 2012

muddled sooz

Just cycled up my road in the rain and wind.

I am no longer such a fan of this bike riding lark.

Soaking wet, freezing fingers, crazy hat hair, legs in severe pain and now only now 15 minutes later can I breathe normally. Actually, I still have a a tightness in my chest. Cough cough cough. Moan moan moan.

I am the queen of moaning. I cant deny it. And really I shouldn't be wasting my words on moaning because I have a very dramatic and strange story to tell. A story that has been developing over the past 24 hours, but its only now that Detective Piggott has been informed.

However I think I am feeling a bit too muddled in my brain to recount the tale. Tomorrow perhaps will be better. Just to give you a taster though it involves CSI, my garage and a stranger covered in blood. It has also increased my paranoia when it comes to checking locked doors. An obsession that sometimes gets a little out of control.

Anyway, its nothing to worry about, just a small mini drama to make this Friday a tad more exciting than usual.

I must admit my mind is not really here tonight. Once again I'm feeling distracted.

The fears and worries that have been haunting me in my nightmares this week continue to chase me in daylight. Which frankly is just plain mean. The nightmare is a continuous repetition of someone I care about running away from me and me not being able to catch up with them. I try to run as fast as possible, jumping over walls, running through woods, chasing through crowds, but I cannot get to them. I sometimes get close, grabbing their jacket, but it doesn't last, and I'm left again. I guess it doesn't sound that scary, I mean its not a big green monster or anything, but it feels terrifyingly real at the time. Not good.

Ugh, don't want to think about that anymore.
Nice thoughts please Susie.
Sausage and chips for tea perhaps?
OK

xx



Thursday, 12 April 2012

7 day catch up

....Checking in just to download some of my silly brain stuff. Some people call them 'thoughts', I just call mine 'rubbishy fluff'.

Anyway, the place where I'm staying is absolutely beautiful. So much space and gorgeous countryside. Been for a couple of walks already in the prettiest woods I've ever seen.....

.... And that's all I managed to write last week before the internet decided to stop working (that's what happens when you're out in the sticks!) Anyway, I said I was having a mini break from blogging, so never mind.

After an intrepid and slightly painful  (due to the amount of luggage I had to carry and the fact I had to wear my wellies and therefore got a blister and was all hot and bothered....)  journey, I'm back in the homestead.

I keep on getting distracted whilst writing this so its all a bit disjointed. Oh well, it doesn't really matter.

I had a lovely week away, it was good to have a change of scenery. It actually helped me to relax and it didn't matter that I wasn't in my little routine that I usually need so much at home. I cant remember the last time I had a week where I laughed and smiled so much. I don't want to forget that. I want to keep hold of it. The only trouble is, one of the people that made me giggle so much is going back to Australia for another year. But that's just life I guess, and I've got some amazing memories and hilarious photos to look back on. And I think its just encouraging to know that I can have some sort of happiness in my life again. Even if its just for a short amount of time, the black dog can't take that away from me.

However that's not saying that everything in my week was completely smooth sailing. I was something of an emotional roller coaster at times. Self doubt, zero confidence and insecurity continue to chase me around like a bad smell....


xxx

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

adventure time

Tomorrow I am off on a little adventure. And I am rather excited.

Hopefully it will include, laughing lots, drinking wine, hugging, walks in the country, sleeping in and big sloppy licks on the face from Chester (the dog, not a person...)

Hopefully it will not include, snow, smelly feet, sleep walking, or farts in the face from Chester (again, he's a dog, not a person...)

The blog will therefore be neglected for the next week, although I shall I try and update it at some point.

I can't wait to have a change of scenery and a chance to relax.

I also can't wait to see a certain someone whom I haven't seen for almost a year! Whoop!

Lets just hope black dog keeps on his lead and doesnt come biting at my heels.. Although Chester may be able to chase him away...

xxx

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

I slept *mini whoop*

Thank goodness I slept last night. I eventually succumbed to the enticing sleeping tablet and it managed to zonk me out completley. Its not a technique I use reguarly, and I won't be taking one tonight, but when your stuck in a bad sleeping pattern, sometimes one dose can help to change that.

I also moved my duvet from the bed to the floor as its been impossible to get comfortable on my lumpy old mattress. Too much bouncing on it or something. Anyway, the floor is my new friend.

I've also been working on another 'doodle' artwork, and that seems to be releasing some anxiety. The same can be said for doing all the ironing last night (strange but true...)

Forced myself to have a bikeride yesterday and today. Officially I look like a melon head with my crazy helmet circa 1999 on, but I don't care. Its a strangely satisfying bit of exercise that I've discovered. Apart from hills, I hate hills. I almost had a heartattack coming up my road yesterday.

xxx

P.S
One of my top 5 songs to sing me to sleep..

Monday, 2 April 2012

anxiety meltdown

Over the last four days I have wound myself up like a spinning top and last night it exploded.

A combination of not being able to sleep for a week and various changes beyond my control has made my anxiety levels sky rocket.

I do not feel good.

I have a knot in my stomach, and an ache in my head.

I can feel the blood pumping too quickly round my body.

I'm exhausted,  but so scared of nightime approaching and not being able to sleep again.

My head is all muzzy and I keep thinking I've forgotten something.

Endless lists and relaxation techniques don't seem to be quite hitting the spot.

I just want to turn off my brain and my body.

x

Sunday, 1 April 2012

lets turn back time

Only sat in the garden for an hour but my skin has that great sunshine smell.

Joshua (my nephew) is down here for a few days with my sister, and he is already being super cute. I bought him a dinosaur dressing gown, and he looks so flipping gorgeous in it! He just came down to say goodnight and he's all sleepy and cuddly. I wish I was 3 again. Life was so much simpler, happier, and generally just ace really.

I may have to invent a time machine. Go back to 1989. Back to the days when my Mums hair resembled what can only be described as an afro...When jumping on the trampoline at tumble tots was the highlight of my week....When my Dad also had crazy long hair and would never be seen without his bright red trainers...When my sister and I would spend hours playing with our beloved cabbage patch dolls...When I would go to bed on a summers evening and fall asleep to the sounds of birds chattering and neighbours mowing their lawns...

Hmm.

Headache creeping on now.

xxx