Friday, 20 April 2012

a dollop of hope

I often find myself contemplating why this depression and anxiety decided to take root in my mind. I used to think it was my own fault, but now, I'm finally realising its not.

When life takes you on an unexpected path, your mind can be overwhelmed with questions. Whats the point? Whats going to happen to me? Why am I here? Why has this shitty illness descended on me? Am I ever going to get better? And its only when someone else reaches out for help, that I can begin to see the meaning of my journey.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty understanding person, someone who could sympathise and listen. But its only since I have been to hell and back, that I can truly empathise with the darkness that many people are still living within. I now understand just how scary life can be, and how your brain can play horrible tricks on you. I realise how much courage it takes to tell your friends and family that you're struggling. That when you make that first appointment with your doctor, you have to dig out every last ounce of strength in your body.

I know that your brain thinks its easier to pretend things are fine. Flippin heck I tried to do that for so long. But actually admitting things aren't right, is a darn sight easier than having to play the 'I'm OK' routine every day.

I realise that I'm possibly repeating things I've said in previous blogs, but I guess I just want to encourage and reach out to others who are struggling. I am by no means 100% recovered, and I don't think I'll ever be a glass is half full kind of girl, but I have made progress. Its taken a ridiculous amount of time, energy, support, and courage, but I know things are better than they were this time last year.

Last year my mind could never fully concentrate on anything. Why? Because all I could think about was how much I wanted to die. I was consumed by suicidal thoughts, and haunted by the knowledge that I was just an empty shell. But now that shell is slowly being built back together again. I have been able to rediscover things about myself, things that had been ripped out of me, but are slowly coming back.

I am not a deeply religious person. I have my own faith and beliefs that sometimes get a bit wonky, but however small, still remain. I'm not a fan of others shoving their own beliefs down my throat, so please don't be offended by the following verse. Whether you believe or not, you can take it out of its biblical context and concentrate on the words.  Hope and a future. For me, those words are inextricably entwined and encourage me to keep fighting.

         "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

As I carry on this crazy journey, I can only hope that I am able to use something of my own experience to help others.


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