Monday, 31 December 2012

2012 highlights....

Facebook keeps on telling me to 'share' my review of the year in order to have a look at my highlights of 2012. But I've decided to ignore this, and think of a few of my own.....

  • My best friend Laura getting engaged in Feb, whoop!
  • And then being asked to be her Maid of Honour  (hopefully not dishonour....!)
  • Enjoying my 26th birthday, and not being a grumpy chops about it.
  • Managing to get out of bed at 8am on four consecutive days each week (well, nearly each week...)
  • Going on holiday to Portugal, being brave and going on a plane and generally having oodles of fun in the sun
  • Celebrating the Queens Jubilee and managing to say at least 20 times a day, "I've met HRH don't you know."
  • Going to two amazing weddings and managing to have a great time without getting absolutely sozzled.
  • Pretty much sticking to my rule of only drinking alcohol at the weekend.
  • Getting asked to be bridesmaid for another bestie pal next year.
  • Meeting Mr B (this should really be at the start of the list, he is such a top banana.)
  • Seeing my sisters health improve and get a new job.
  • Waking up with a lemon in my handbag
  • Trying on the crown jewls (almost) and being a bit crazy in the tower of London with my adopted American sister Kat.
  • Joining two new art groups.
  • Making new friends and being totally overwhelmed at their courage and bravery in battling mental health illnesses.
  • Living on my own for 8 weeks in the summer, and seeing my confidence levels gain hugely. Yay me.
  • Laughing, smiling, and hugging all my super duper friends. I would be lost without you all.
  • Knowing that the adoption process that my cousin Ruth is going through in Thailand with Neung is going well, and they may be here this time next year, whoop!
  • Being welcomed into Mr B's family with so much warmth, love and understanding.
  • Having a lovely holiday in Dartmouth with Mama and Papa Pig in September.
  • Despite a few ups and downs, managing to enjoy Christmas for the first time in yonks.
Well....that was a longer list than I expected, cheers to that nuggets!

Much love and the warmest blessings for 2013 to you all


Sunday, 30 December 2012

30th december, lets just erase it!

So its New Years Eve Eve, and I cant seem to shake off the dark cloud hanging over my head today.

"Cheer up!" says one person.

"Remember all the things you have to be grateful for!" says another.

People, please take note, these are possibly some of the worst things you can say to anyone who suffers from depression. Mainly because I would like to cheer up, but today its just too far to reach. Also remembering all the good things in my life, just makes me feel even worse for being so low. It just makes me feel guilty.

So I just have to go with it.

Have some space, smoke some cigarettes, eat a few twiglets and just be me.

On the plus side, Christmas seems to be one of the only times of the year when its acceptable to go for a nap any time of day. I'm taking full advantage of this yuletide pleasure and I've already had 2 naps today....

 The fact that the New Year is slowly creeping up on me isn't helping my brain at the mo. Its never been my favourite celebration, and the black dog likes to use it to remind me of all the things that I still can't do, or haven't achieved. Sneaky bastard.


Saturday, 29 December 2012

Doggie doo hilarity


We've hit 48,000 hits my lovely nuggets!! Merci merci to all!

And for now, Au revoir!


Ha ha only joking, I'm sure I can think of something else interesting to write about tonight....

Like how my belly is hurting...and my head....

Although the head hurt is kind of self inflicted from over indulgence on the wine, so I have no-one to blame but myself. And Mr B for topping up my glass....

Why is it that sometimes I can drink alcohol all night long and the next day I feel fine, but sometimes just 3 glasses of wine give me a stonking headache? I will never understand. Its a mystery that no lesson can be learnt from, and frankly makes my head hurt even more.

But I must dash, because I need to go and play my new favourite game. Its highly intellectual and requires expert skill and precision.

No its not chess, not even scrabble (although I am quite a fan.) No, this game is on a whole different level.

If you need to smile today, get online and buy Doggie Doo immediately.

Guaranteed laughter.


Thursday, 27 December 2012

I want to be in the light

Anyone else having trouble remembering what day it is at the moment? Christmas day always muddles my mind, and the days of the week seem very jumbled up.

I guess it doesn't reallllllly matter in the grand scheme of life, so I shall move on.

However, it is a reflection of how I'm not in my little routine at the moment, and I do miss it.

My brain likes routine. It is comforting and I feel much more in control of my life. And so when any holiday time approaches, I feel a bit weird and wonky. I need to get over it I know. Perhaps making up a holiday routine should be my new approach....or something....maybe...


There is a song that I'm a bit obsessed with at the moment.

Like, I play it on repeat approximatly 10 times a day.

The neighbours are yet to complain though, so I think its OK.

I think I shall share it with you all.

Because the words are pretty ace.

They remind me how much I want to stay in the LIGHT.

To keep on fighting against the darkness of depression and the black dog.

Black dog loves turning my light off and leaving me to flounder around hopelessly looking for the switch.

Listening to this song reminds me that I will always be able to find the light again, no matter how dark things are. At one point I didn't even believe in the light. Its been a crazy journey.


Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry Messy Christmas

I'm really struggling what to write this evening....

Should it be something heartfelt and perhaps a little bit sentimental? As its Christmas eve and all....

Or perhaps a witty story to make you all chuckle.

Maybe even a reflective passage, remembering those who are alone or in pain this Christmas.

Too much choice for Susie. Oh well, I shall have to just verbally dribble over you all instead.

But... Why do I put these pressures on myself?? To write a really good blog entry. Or make the best roast potatoes. Or to make sure everyone else is happy and OK, leaving my own needs to one side...

I tell you what, these pressures send me crazy sometimes. And its all in my own head. Not from anywhere else. Well, sometimes I think its from other places or people but that's usually just me being paranoid. Whoops.

Its so silly. Because I cant make everyone better or make everything go perfectly. Its out of my control. And the world would probably be a bit boring if it was perfect. (It would be really tidy though which would make me very happy...)

Christmas gets messy, people get stressed, upset, tired, ill... clothes get dirty, presents get lost, drinks get spilt, but it doesn't really matter. I expect the first Christmas wasnt very perfect. Mary probably was about to slap Joseph in the face for making her pop out a baby in a stinky stable. Joseph was probably covered in blood and gunk after delievering the baby. And the little baby Jesus, well, I bet he was freezing in that manger, and all that straw probably gave him hayfever for life. But it didn't matter. Amongst all the shit, a shining light came into the world.

So I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Messy Christmas.

Lets throw wrapping paper around every room,
May someone drop a glass (preferably plastic),
May the napkins catch fire (harming no-one),
And may you forget to buy batteries for the new toys.


Sunday, 23 December 2012

conversations with myself

No blogging for the past 2 days because I've been far too busy being busy.

Or something.


Or not really.

I've just been having quite a lot of fun actually. Which is good.

Jolly good really.

Went to see Nativity 2 (the film, there isn't a Biblical sequel or anything...)

Then had went to the big cathedral in Wells for carols by candlelight. Pretty darn spectacular. Especially as I was at the end of a row so I didnt feel squeezed in or claustrophobic. Bonus.

 And then...then I did something else fun...I think...

Oh no...I cleaned the kitchen actually.

That wasnt very fun. Mostly just really dirty and smelly....

But I dont want this to be just a list of what I've been doing.

Cuz that can get a bit dull. Although, in all honesty, I can make the most boring of activities sound exciting...

Like today when I went to investigate the skeleton at the bottom of the garden.

Yeh. That was exciting.

In a kind of morbid circle of life kind of way.

Oh and it wasnt a human skeleton, so dont worry.

There is also a funny story about me chasing dogs and deer in the garden...but I think I'll have to save that...

And then waking up to find a lemon in my handbag this morning...that was kind of strange....

Hmm. Yes.

Am I having a conversation with myself this evening?

I think so.

Had a bit of a blip last night...

I had to run out of a nightclub because I was so claustrophobic and I could feel a panic attack coming on.

Oh it was gross.

And I was so annoyed with myself.

Stupid anxiety.

But I think I feel OK now.

I did the right thing.

Yes. Yes I did.

Think I'm going to stop wittering to myself now, bed is calling.


Night Susie.



Thursday, 20 December 2012

Revisiting Bits and Pieces

As the season of goodwill is upon us, I've been thinking about friendship, love, and all those warm and fuzzy feelings that Christmas reminds us about. I've been contemplating the many people that have come in and out of my life.

Some good, some bad, but many who don't and wont ever realise the impact they may have had on my life. I'm pretty certain that my friends and family know just how much I love them, but what about everyone else?

What about my first art teacher who introduced me to Picasso? Or the lady on the bus that made me laugh when I was having a bad day? The girl at school who used to pick on me. The boy at school I used to pick on...Where are they? Do they know?

It might be because I haven't seen them for 15 years.

It might be because I fell out with them.

It might be because I've never met them.

And so, as I did way back in February 2011, I'm going to quote one of my favourite poems.

This poem was introduced to me in 2008 at the end of a very memorable summer, working on Camp Alta Mons, Virginia. 

 Apologies, I cant remember the authors name....

Bits and Pieces 

People important to you, people unimportant to you,
Cross your life,touch it with love and carelessness and move on.

There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief,
and you wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave and you breathe a sigh of remorse,
and you wonder why they had to go away and leave a gaping hole.

Children leave parents, friends leave friends.
Acquaintances move on.
People change homes.
People grow apart.
Enemies hate and move on.
Friends love and move on.

You think of the many who have moved into hazy memory.
You look on those in the present and wonder.

You find you are made up of Bits and Pieces of all who have touched your life,
and you are more because of it,
and you would be less if they had not touched you.

I pray that you accept the Bits and Pieces in humility and wonder,
and never question
and never regret.
Bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces.


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Susanna's Christmas Wish

Oh me oh my, oh look what I found......

Yes, that's right, a book with my name on it, and a very apt title for this time of year too. But that's not all,  because heres the synopsis.....

"Fans will be delighted by this peek at an Amish Christmas, complete with the romantic wish of Susanna Byler to spend the holidays with the man of her dreams. But who is the man of her dreams? Is it the competent but plain Amish man she married for convenience....or is it her first love -- an Englishman with whom she has recently had an unexpected encounter -- and who wants her back in his life?"

I think myself and Susanna Byler are one and the same person.

Ha, just kidding folks. Thankfully I havent married a plain Amish man.

But it did make me laugh as I have a strange fascination with Amish people. When I was in America I even bought a special book about them. Its a great read. Honestly...

Let me know if you want to borrow it. Its probably on a par with 'Susanna's Christmas Wish'....


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

am I a bad panda?

I know I say this a LOT... but I still can't quite believe people are STILL reading my witherings on here. I had over 200 hits today. That's nuts!

You guys are ALL very very lovely.

Sending each and everyone of you a virtual HUG.

If by reading this just one person feels a little bit less alone, a little less numb, then I'll ALWAYS keep on writing. And if by reading this people are getting more used to talking about mental health then its all worthwhile stuff.

Thank YOU.

Right now though, I'm getting my knickers in a right old twist. I've got to finish my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ARGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Stress city.

I have my list. I have the names of the 3 shops I need to visit. I just need to get up and GO.

But a certain person has just asked me to go to the post office whilst I'm in town and now my plan is all squewif. Cuz I can't say no because that would make me a bad panda. So I hinted that I'm a bit anxious about it all and I'm on kind of a strict mission with no distractions. It didn't go down well...

 Curses. What to do. I don't want to be selfish. But I can only cope with so much. I just find it so difficult when I make a plan and then I have to change or adjust it. Susie's anxious brain does not like change. Yuk.

Think I'll go and have a fag and mull it all over....and hopefully untwist my knickers....


Monday, 17 December 2012

its all a bit blah tonight

Totally and utterly uninspired tonight.

Probably because I've been cleaning all day. Very dull.

I need to hear a melody with lyrics that make me want to change the world.

I want to see a sunset that makes me want to paint it immediately.

I need to see a picture that turns my mind inside out.


Sunday, 16 December 2012

what are YOU doing tonight?

Through my superduper telepathic powers I reckon you (yes YOU dear reader) are experiencing (or have recently experienced) one of the following.....

a) watching sports personality of the year and wishing that Andy Murray had cracked a smile (I bet his Mum Judy wasn't feeling so proud tonight when she saw her Mr Grumpy Chops on the box.)

b) just put up your Christmas tree, and uploaded a photo of it to facebook, because, like, flipping heck, yours is the best Christmas tree in the WORLD and all the sparkly lights make you feel SO CHRISTMASSY

c) you're massively hungover after your work Christmas party last night and are a little bit worried about facing your colleagues tomorrow

d) panicking about all the Christmas presents you've still got to buy (or is that just me, and the rest of the world is weirdly organised?)


e) you have been caught out by the current coughing/sneezing/sore throat/ vomiting bug...And you're lying in bed wishing that you could watch the sports personality of the year whilst decorating the Christmas tree with a hangover and panic about the gift buying...

As for me, I'm kind of somewhere between d and e, a bit panicky , and a bit poorly!


Friday, 14 December 2012

body and mind pains

Oh my arm, my arm!

My arm really hurts.

Flu jabs are painful.

Oh my brain, my brain.

My brain really hurts.

Going to counselling was painful.

Too tired and sleepy to moan about anything else.


Thursday, 13 December 2012

Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did!

A slightly later than usual entry this evening, as I have just got back from the Panto!!

Yes that's right, after about 3 years of staying away from the theatre, I took a giant leap tonight and had the time of my life!

I love everything about the theatre. The costumes, the storylines, the music, the dancing, but most of all being transported to another world.

Now I know the Panto isn't high brow theatre stuff, but I bloody loved it. Good old fashioned fun. A man in drag, some cheesy songs, a reworking of gangman style (Wishee Washee style...) and of course the obligatory z list celeb whose acting skills amount to nil. What more could you possibly ask for?

I've stayed away from the theatre for so long because I hate being in places where I feel trapped. So sitting in the middle of an auditorium surrounded by crowds of people isn't really the best. Luckily for me, the brilliant Mr B got me a seat at the end of an aisle, so I knew I could make a quick escape if I needed to. But I didn't! Hurrah!

Susie 1 Black Dog 0

(Picture me sticking out my tongue and blowing a big fat rasperry at the black dog, right about now! Haha)

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

pom poms are ACE

Did anyone else start to clean their bedroom today and end up making woollen pom poms all afternoon? Nope? Just me then.....

I have decided that pom poms are my new favourite Christmas decoration. And they are a great way to use up all my random coloured bits of wool left at the bottom of my knitting bag. They're just like baubles but without the danger of breakage, or the nice shiny sheen that baubles have....But pom poms are homemade, and they are also have a pretty retro look about them. Which baubles don't have.Yeah. Pom poms rock.

 As do my homemade paper chains. Daddy Pig asked me if I wanted to use the guillotine to make them nice and straight, to which I replied,

"Nahhhh, I'm not bothered about things like that Daddy Pig. These are rustic!".... And look like my 4 year old nephew made them...

I must go and tidy up the mess that I made in the process actually. Which kind of made my room twice as messy as it was in the beginning. Curses. Oh well, I cannot control my creative urges or instincts.

When you can feel the creative juices flowing round your body, you just have to go for it. Forget about everything else, and get lost in a world of pom poms and paint (or something similar...)

My creativity is my saviour really... (even though what I do it not very good, it doesn't matter...Oh no I shouldn't say that, that's the black dog getting in my head!)

Cuz actually my little arty farty funny world is a good place for me to be. I like it.

Although tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking one of my paintings to my art group....and I may have to accidentally on purpose forget it....Bit scary showing other people my work...I should take it though. I know it will help me. And I don't want to be that woman who buried herself under a bushel, or whatever that parable was.....


Monday, 10 December 2012

Fingerless gloves and other things

Anyone else feel like Fagin  when they wear fingerless gloves?

I must admit its a character that I quite enjoy transforming into. And just by putting on these lack lustre imitations of cosy gloves.

 Its quite amazing what an effect they have on me. I feel like cooking sausages and going to live in my attic. They also make me do little jumpy Fagin skips around the house. Just as long as these fingerless gloves don't get tempted into pick pocketing, or make me have the urge to grow a beard....I think I'll be safe.

Anyhow, I was going to sleep last night and I was thinking of this AMAZING story I was going to write about today. I had all these amusing anecdotes up my sleeve. Laughter, tears, poignancy, this story had it all. I even had a brilliant punchline.

I just wish I could remember it!


Sunday, 9 December 2012

Thank you

Back on the sofa in my pyjamas after a super duper lovely weekend in Manchester.

Highlights included the girls beating the boys on the wii,stuffing my face with chocolate cake and sausage rolls, doing an impromptu gang man style followed by fits of giggles....and generally laughing my socks off with my bestest buddies!

Lowlights included attempting to down a j├Ąger bomb (and failing miserably) and a silly driver whacking into the side of Mr B's car on the way home.....

I don't want to be too much of a drama queen, but it was pretty scary. Luckily Mr B and I are safe and sound, and the car isn't badly damaged. But the sound of the banging cars still seems to be ringing in my ears. And the muppet who rammed into us said he was having a sneezing fit....Detective Piggott may have to be on the case again....

Anyway, there are those who will mock be,but I believe that angels were protecting us this afternoon. I always say a little prayer before a journey, and I thank God that he was listening to me today.

It reiterates what I've been trying to hold onto for the past year. To be thankful for every moment I'm given. To be grateful for every person in my life. To be blessed, yes blessed to have gone through the darkness of depression, because it makes the light shine even brighter.

Thank you


Thursday, 6 December 2012

I love you TOMORROW, its only a DAY AWAY!

I was just about to turn the computer off before bed, when I thought I should really write a tiny snippet...

My bags are packed and I'm ready for a weekend of fun in Manchester, wahoooo! Its going to be lovely catching up with some of my bestest buddies.

Mr B requested a musical selection for the journey, and so I have ransacked my CD collection and found some absolute classics. 100 hits of the 90's will definitely be making an appearance.

I've had a horrible headache on and off all week, so I'm hoping and praying that I wake up tomorrow feeling fresh as a daisy. As opposed to feeling like someone is constantly stabbing my forehead with a freshly sharpened HB pencil. Its a pain that paracetamol and ibrubrofen don't even seem to touch. Ouchy.

Must keep fingers and toes crossed for zero head hurt. Cuz tomorrow is gonna be a goooooooooood day :)

Anyway my last fag of the night is calling to me....(I know, I know, I can hear you all tutting accross the land, I'm a naughty girl. I promise I'll give day....!)


Wednesday, 5 December 2012

its beginning to look a lot like christmas.....


The trees are up, the decorations are sparkling and the lights are twinkling from every corner of the house.

Mama Pig even let me decorate BOTH of the trees. Usually I am banished to my own little tree where I like to hang all the old sentimental decs up.

It does look a little bit like Christmas has thrown up all over the tree, but in a jolly way. In a, its so bad its good kind of way....

But I was actually allowed to have free reign over the main tree too this year. What an honour. And although it was tempting to go crazy with the baubles I stayed within the colour theme (silver and white) and I didn't dare to even whisper the word tinsel. Its forbidden in our house...

I also dug out my Grandpa's favourite Christmas tape, Jim Reeves, and had a good old sing song.

Last night I was feeling decidedly shitty, with my mind spiralling, and the horrible word of failure refusing to budge from my brain. Luckily Mr B saved the day.  He talked things through with me, and generally calmed me down, reassured me and put a smile back on my face. He really is a top banana.

However, this morning, the black dog was barking once more. I managed to go to my art group but afterwards came back with a splitting headache and went straight to sleep for an hour.

It was only after Mama suggested we raided the loft for the Christmas stuff that I began to feel better again.

This year is going to be different.

I know it.


Tuesday, 4 December 2012

keeping those peepers open

This is me tonight....

                                                           Sid James, 1959.
(Apparently, he used matchsticks to keep his eyes open in order for him to watch TV for hours on end......)
Well, if I was male, worked on the crazy 'Carry on' films and was alive 50 years ago.

So the fact that I'm female, not an actress, and alive in 2012 really doesn't make much difference.....

The point is,

I'm knackered.

I've got loads of stuff to do.

And all I want to do is snuggle up with Mr B and chill.

But instead I think I will be reaching for the matchsticks.....


Monday, 3 December 2012

Time to change

A better day, but still feeling a bit grotty.

Grotty in my body rather than my brain though, which is the lesser of the two evils.

I read an excellent article this morning as I munched my way through my 2 bowls of coco pops. Check out the link below. There are some scary statistics, which make me realise even more just how many people are suffering in silence.

It also highlights the negative connotations that still surround mental illness.

From my own point of view, when I have to fill in certain medical forms, I hate ticking the box that says 'mental health problems'. Because I don't think I have a problem. The word problem makes you think of difficulty, something that's unsolvable, that's never going to change. And I don't like that label.

I don't mind 'mental illness' or 'mental health issues' that's fine and dandy. Its just that word 'problem' that I hate.

Nobody goes around saying to people with high blood pressure that they have a 'physical problem', so why should it be OK to label mental illness in the same way?

Just a little bit of food for thought for you on this cold and dull Monday evening....


Sunday, 2 December 2012

Leroy the leopard vs black dog

The counter crossed over the 46,000 hits today ladies and gentleman! Thank you so much for your continued support, you're all such top bananas. Check out the fancy counter at the bottom of the page just incase you think I'm telling porkies about the amount of page views I get on here...!

I've had a lovely weekend but today I'm feeling proper beaky. Urrrrgh.


Headache, tummy ache and brain ache.


I hate to admit it but I'm sat here still festering in my pyjamas...

Black dog loves it when I feel poorly. He sees his opportunity to pounce as soon I start to wilt, and he begins whispering negative thoughts into my ear.


But black dog is yet to meet his nemesis and my new partner in crime, Leroy the Leopard...

Leroy is my new pal and I'm pretty sure he can kick black dogs ass. Its gonna be tough, but Leroy has some incredible jungle moves that will make black dog shudder with fear.

Leroy is also pretty good at giving me cuddles and reminding me that I'm not alone.

However if Leroy gets a bit sleepy (after all, he's been chasing after black dog all day) then I think the solution tonight is a hot bath and an early night....


Saturday, 1 December 2012

Happy birthday Joshua!!

Last night I had a date with the waltzers and a hot pork bap. It was pretty special. Luckily I had the bap after my ride on the waltzers, otherwise the evening could of ended a lot less happily....

Today is my nephews fourth birthday, and I wish I could give him a big birthday cuddle. I rang him this morning and he sounded super excited, telling me he'd got "lotsh of preshentsh!" Bless him.

I just wish he'd got mine but the online gremlins at Amazon or the evil imps at the Royal Mail are holding it hostage. Which makes me more than a little but angry. Especially as I paid extra for it to be  delivered on the 27th November, thinking I'd allowed plenty of time for delays. Apparently not.

Those gremlins and imps better get their act together pronto else they'll have me to contend with.... And after years of dealing with angry customers I think it's about time someone else was on the receiving end...


Even though he can't read or use a computer yet I would still like to wish my nephew Joshua a very happy birthday! You're a super special boy, and you always make me smile. Love you loads cheeky pants!