Friday, 31 August 2012

in the summertime

After 6 weeks away, Mama and Papa Piglet have finally returned home. Its lovely to have them back, and has given me a chance to reflect on the last 6 weeks....

The last time I saw my counsellor I was getting into a bit of a pickle about the forthcoming summer. I  was feeling guilty and obligated to achieve certain things and generally getting my knickers in a twist.  She stopped me mid flow and said to me, " Susie, you put too much pressure on yourself, just enjoy your summer."

Wise words Mrs Counsellor lady, wise words.

I have taken what she said and attempted to make the most of each day. I've tried not to worry about the future, but instead concentrated my efforts in finding little bits of joy and pleasure in things around me.

The warmth of the sun on my arms after weeks of rain. Dancing like a maniac, arms and legs everywhere and not caring what anyone thinks. Laughing uncontrollably at stupid things (like when I fell arse first into the swimming pool...) Cooking a meal for myself and knowing that it contains at least 2 vegetables. Smashing my mini targets on the rowing machine and pretending I'm in the Olympic final. Finding an image in my mind and somehow managing to transfer it into a painting. Smoking cigarettes listening to radio 2 (yes I'm old now) and watching the world go by. Rekindling my love affair with malibu and diet coke, which somehow results in not getting a hangover (massive bonus!) Making decisions on my own and not feeling scared about them. Finally realising how important hugs are, and how much I like them.

A few people have told me that they're really proud of me for what I've achieved this summer. I'm not very good at accepting compliments. And I don't think proud is really the right word. But I'm certainly glad that I've enjoyed my summer. Never thought I would. So thats got to be a good thing....and perhaps, no not perhaps, definitly progress has been made....

xxx

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

hope and strength

I've been on a pretty downward spiral for the past few days.....the black dog has been barking, taking me for horrible walks and making me generally go a bit crazy.

BUT luckily I managed to get away with a friend (to Essex, very random long story and unfortunately I didn't see the lion....) and it has really helped me to step back and reflect on things. It was also great to talk to someone.

I've had so much buzzing around my brain bringing me down recently that I almost haven't known where to start. Well that's not exactly true. I have known where to start, but I know its a weird thing to talk about.

Because you see, the thing is, its coming up to a year since I attempted suicide. I can't remember the exact date, or day or time even, its all a bit of a blur. I just know its in September, sometime after the 6th and before the 27th. And its like the weirdest anniversary, I can't really get my head around it. Am I glad I'm still here? Am I glad that I survived? Will I be in that place again? I'm just overwhelmed with emotions thinking about it all, which I suppose is a lot better than feeling numb....

Its the most bizarre feeling. I don't like it.

I just want to skip September so I don't have to think about it.

Obviously that's not going to happen. I don't possess the gift of time travel. Curses. I know need to deal with this strange situation....and I'm not sure where to start....but I have a little plan forming....

A few days after my suicide attempt last year I got the word 'hope' tattooed on my right wrist. I wanted to remember that no matter how bad things got again, no matter how deep I might fall into the darkness, there would always be hope. Some people might find that strange, but it has really helped me. I'm such a visual person that I literally needed the word inked into my body to get it to sink in!!

And it has. Pretty much. I can see light now, whereas last year the light was utterly non existent. In fact, I don't think I even believed in the light, let alone see it.

So this year I'm thinking of getting another tattoo. I think I'm going to get the word 'strength' tattooed on my left wrist. To remind me that I'm stronger than I realise. To help me keep fighting this battle against depression. To remember what I've gone through in the past 2 years. That I'm still here. I'm alive.

And that strength hasn't just come from within me.

Its come from you.

Its come from my family.

Its come from my friends.

Its come from a Being greater than I can even imagine.

And throughout my journey, each person has helped to build me up, made me a little stronger.

I wouldn't be here without you.

Thank you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




Monday, 27 August 2012

change is coming

With a high comes an inevitable low.

Damn it.

With the end of one month, comes the start of a new one.

And September always seems to signal the beginning of change.

I don't like change.

I've got my parents coming back on Friday after 6 weeks away. Which is mega exciting cuz I can't wait to see them, but also there will be the inevitable adjustment in living with one another again.

I also think I have another medical assessment coming up. Anyone else who has ever had to fill in one of those devilish things, will know how irksome they can be.

Then I've got my courses starting again. Which will be good, but then there will be different people, different tutors, more changes, more uncertainty.

And I'm sure they will just reinforce the fact that I'm still not working. Still muddling along.

When people ask me how long I've been off work for, I still say 18 months, when actually its 20 months, almost 2 flippin years.

Urgh.

Everything seems worse when you're tired, but today seems to be particularly hellish.

Lots of stuff going on in my head, and it doesnt seem to flow properly, in fact this entry is full of short sentences that stagger and jut around like the thoughts in my head.

xxx

Sunday, 26 August 2012

neon

A picture speaks a thousand words........



....or something like that anyway....:) xxx

Saturday, 25 August 2012

just a few words

OK so this has been my life in the past two days........


sleep

arty chats

my stuff is shit

love bristol

hate my paintings

shop

sleep

moan

whats wrong with me?

what am i doing wrong?

laugh

sleep

gym

sweat

little tears

miss bella

educating rita

if we want to change we have to do it from the inside out

rush rush

drowned rat

laughter

food

need expandable trousers

too much wine

spoilt

smiles

head hurts

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AND NOW..........................

I'm dressed in neon and off to my very first mini festival field day..............!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

XXX

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

light

Just treated myself to a Marks and Spencer ready meal for tea. Mainly because I was feeling super lazy and I'm so sick of constantly cleaning the kitchen!

I think the chefs at M and S got a bit over excited when adding the garlic though. I'm going to need to brush my teeth about 10 times before leaving the house again. Ah well, still not as time consuming as washing the dishes.

I ticked like 5 things off my list today, pretty impressive work I'd say.

There was something really important I was going to write about tonight, but it has vanished from my brain, again.....

Attached is my latest couple of paintings that I've been working on...... They are originally inspired by the patterns and tone from tree bark, but also allowed me to express light pushing through darkness...something I'm experiencing at the moment. And very happy to be seeing the light too!!! Apologies if you're friends with me on facebook and you've already had to look at them once today....!



xxx

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Piglet and Pooh

Sunday? Monday? Tuesday.......?

Yes its Tuesday, definitely Tuesday...!

Oh dear.

I am all over the place today, haven't got a glue or clue even...(that was a genuine typo!)

I feel like Winnie the Pooh when he says, "I'm a bear of very little brain.." I understand Pooh.

And now I have the greatest urge to go and find all my old Pooh and Piglet stories. I used to love them. Perfect bedtime reading.

I need my bed.

I should really do the washing up.

But it will still be there tomorrow. So whats the rush.

xxx

Sunday, 19 August 2012

dont mention it!!!

Another productive day.

Cleaning, painting and most importantly of all, sunbathing.

A spontaneous sunbathe too. In England. In my own garden. Unheard of. Who knows whats going to happen next??

Something that's not going to happen next is me learning to drive again. For some reason, quite unknown to me, this subject keeps on popping up. "Learn to drive Susie, you really need to!" Everywhere I go I seem to keep hearing this. Why? Why do I need to drive? I am quite possibly single handedly saving the world and reducing my carbon footprint by not driving. And you cant argue with that now can you??

If I was a millionaire, maybe I would learn to drive. Although probably, I would just hire a chauffeur to do it for me.

The other annoying thing that people keep on asking me, is when am I going to go back to work?? I don't flipping know. I answer them with this, find me something I'm good at, and then I'll go back. But it doesn't always shut them up. I told a friend the other night it needed to be a job where I don't have to talk to anyone. He suggested I become a lorry driver. And even the fact that I cant drive a car didn't seem to ruin his plan for me, he said it could be my six year plan. I'm not sure though. I don't think I would be able to climb into the lorry, let alone drive it.

Ok rant over.

I just get so frustrated because I try so hard to concentrate on TODAY and getting better NOW, that as soon as someone mentions the future I FREAK OUT and can't handle it.

Boo sucks.

xxx

Saturday, 18 August 2012

distractions...

Oh dear, what am I doing, I seem to be watching the X Factor. Jeez. This is a disturbing turn of events. I must change the channel quickly before I get sucked into this musical bitch fest.

Any who, today I've been kitten and puppy sitting. Well I still am. Rufus the puppy is currently trying to lick my feet after I intercepted his attempt to steal my flip flops (again.)

He is a super cute beagle, such a cheeky monkey and I really want to keep him! I need a dog in my life again. Fact.

Tomorrow I have a weeks worth of washing up awaiting me in the sink. Joy.

Small panic then, thought I had lost the kitten. Then she crept up on me from nowhere. Deep sigh of relief.

OK must dash, I can hear suspicious noises, think Rufus is trying to steal more shoes...


xxx

Friday, 17 August 2012

friday night rambles

Crunch.

Splat.

Dead snail.

Every time I walk into the garden I feel like a mass murderer. There seems to be a new gang of snails taking up residence on my patio, and I'm slowly killing them one by one.

Accidentally of course.

I'm no meanie.

My head is feeling a bit wonky now so I shall depart.

Need to get up early and have a workout at the gym after two weeks of stuffing my face with food and alcohol. Ugh, its gonna be painful. Excruciating. Horrible. Sweaty. Gross. Whoever said exercise was enjoyable?? But I shall go, face my demons and work on turning my body into a temple. Ha.

xxx

Thursday, 16 August 2012

sleepy thursday

Judging by the fact that I fell asleep this afternoon for 2 hours, its quite possible I've been kinda overdoing things.

Whoops.

My head is literally almost falling onto the desk as I type this, and all I can think about is getting back into my lovely warm, snuggly bed....

Yawn.

Why am I so tired?

Oh I just answered my own question. Whoops again. Because I have been running around having fun like a busy beaver, and now my body and brain is telling me to REST.

That was the good thing about the Olympics....you could watch TV and veg out in the day and not feel bad. But I feel SO guilty if I watch any daytime TV (apart from homes under the hammer, purely educational research...) I always think I should be doing something productive to help my brain and to keep the black dog away. I probably need to remember again that rest and relaxation is also good for my brain.

Hmm.

Good point well made Susie.

xxx

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

susie's studio smiles

I have been absolutely itching to get into my studio (love calling it that) and do some painting for the last week. Finally today I got the opportunity. Which kind of sounds ridiculous as I don't work, and it makes me seem as if I have this insanely busy schedule...and I don't really...but anyway, the point is I had a great time splashing colour around today.

I love having a creative buzz, it gets me so excited. I have all these ideas and colours jumping around my head, and I just want to spend every minute pouring them out onto paper. An urge that's not realistically practical, especially as I don't have a very long concentration span. But its ace to make the most of being in my little creative world as much as possible. Takes me away from the black dog....!!

xxx

Monday, 13 August 2012

endeavouring?

Like a lot of people I'm still buzzing from last nights Olympic ceremony. I can't believe it gave me goose bumps (not just because I was cold) AND it made me cry! Me! To think this time last year I couldn't even squeeze one tiny tear out, but now I'm gushing all over the place.
May sound strange to be excited about crying, but when you've gone through a long period of time feeling nothing, and being numb to emotion, its just super ace to feel things again. What a long sentence. Awful literary skills Susanna.
Anywho, I was just listening to Simon Callow (you know that Actor dude with the posh voice) and he started talking about endeavour. He was praising the endeavour that the Olympians showed throughout the games. Which made me think, what does that word actually mean? And how often do we see it in action?
Cuz I reckon its out there a lot...
Its like a sneaky quiet quality that people have.
Its not loud or proud, but its consistent and admirable.
I quite fancy having some.
Maybe I have a little bit, but I want more....!
xx
Definition of endeavour (Taken from Oxford English Dictionary)

verb

[no object, with infinitive]
  • try hard to do or achieve something: he is endeavouring to help the Third World

noun

  • an attempt to achieve a goal: [with infinitive]: an endeavour to reduce serious injury
  • [mass noun] earnest, prolonged, and industrious effort: enthusiasm is a vital ingredient in all human endeavour
  • an enterprise or undertaking: a portfolio of business endeavours                               
Origin:
late Middle English (in the sense 'exert oneself'): from the phrase put oneself in devoir 'do one's utmost' (see devoir)

Friday, 10 August 2012

August, I quite like you

Anyone else completely lost track of the days? I feel like August is having a strange but ultimately good effect on me...Here are a few of its plus points....

  • Its the month when watching telly all day is not deemed as lazy but patriotic (team GB really need you...)


  • The high street is in a weird in-between stage, half way between the new A/W season, and still wanting to get rid of sale dregs. This is the time for bargain hunting people. 


  • Everyone at work has either just got back from holiday, or is just about to go on holiday, so really there is no point in stretching yourself, basically, a holiday is on the horizon one way or another.


  • Supermarkets all seem to be selling their BBQ meat at low cost prices, yet again they over-ordered, so lets all have a meat feast.


  • Its acceptable to drink a jug of Pimms at any time of day, any day of the week, because its August and you have the right to call 'Pimms o'clock' whenever you damn well please.


  • There is no political news, all the MP's are sunning themselves in Barbados or something similar. Hurrah for not seeing their smug faces.


  • Actually there is no news. Apart from GB Olympic glory, all journalists are on holiday too.

  • The football season starts! 8 days until West Broms race for the title begins....

  • After 18 years of August being the best school holiday month, its hard to shake that feeling off. I have the biggest urge to have a water fight. Who wants to join me?
xxx





Thursday, 9 August 2012

indecision makes me frown

Really have been rubbish at updating the blog this week.

But I shall stop beating myself up about it.

 Although it just feels like I'm massively repeating myself at the moment. Which gets kind of boring. Like Groundhog day. But in writing. And in my mind.

Hmm. My literary skills seem to be wilting tonight.

I've been faffing around with clothes all afternoon, I've got an evening out on Saturday, and deciding what to wear is becoming an issue. Everything just looks crap on me! Argh. However, I've had to stop myself thinking about it now, as I'm getting all nervous and in a flap. I've decided no-one will be looking at me, so really it doesn't matter what I wear!

xx

Monday, 6 August 2012

adventure number 2

Apologies for the lack of bloggage recently, yet again I have been distracted...

After a week of cleaning the house, interspersed with watching the Olympics 24/7... my batteries are recharged and I'm out and about once more.

First stop is London where I'm catching up with old friends and enjoying the chance to be a daft tourist...my union jack flag has been permanently attached to my paws! In fact I was even wearing it as a cape earlier and I felt a little bit like a superhero. Great fun.

I just need some super powers, a super name, save the world and I'll be sorted....Hmmm...At least I've got the cape organised.

xxx

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Strength and hope on a drip feed

There have been many times in my life when I've wished I was from another country. The French seemed so stylish, the Italians created great art (and food), the American way of life suited me down to the ground, and in comparison being British seemed so dull.

But not tonight.

Or this week in fact.

Because I have officially caught the Olympic bug, and I'm so proud to be from Great Britain.

Each day I have been glued to my TV, overwhelmed by the strength and guts that our sportsmen and women are showing. The are truly incredible.

They remind me that anything is possible.

That through sheer grit and determination, you can make dreams come true.

And its not just the gold medallists I'm talking about here. I'm talking about all of the British team, the competitors that keep going, striving for more, even when a medal is beyond their reach.

No matter what we do in life, we need to be reminded that mountains can be climbed, the unachievable can be achieved, that situations will change, and that there will always be hope, even in darkness.

This time last year I would never have been able to plan a holiday, go on a plane, go out for dinner, talk to strangers. I honestly thought I wouldn't ever be able to do those things again. But I have. I've kept going, I've found strength, and I've refused to let the black dog win.

I may have to live with this depression for the rest of my life, I don't know. But what I do know, is that I won't stop fighting. I have been to the darkest place imaginable, and there is no way I want to be there again.

And that strength that I have discovered, hasn't just come from within. Its been fed to me through friends, family, strangers, art, beauty and nature. Drip... drip... drip... gradually its sunk into me. Seeing other peoples progress, being able to sympathise with a person on a whole new level, letting an encouragement register in my brain, every little drip has made me stronger.

And tonight, these lyrics by Gary Go from his song Wonderful (which I've wittered on about before..) just seem to be repeating in my head...I don't want to forget them, and I don't want you to forget them either...

"We are all miracles,
wrapped up in chemicals,
We are incredible,
don't take it for granted,
We are all miracles,

We are WONDERFUL..."

Thursday, 2 August 2012

pissed off piggott

Uh oh, watch out, I'm in the mood for having a rant.

Prepare yourselves...

Because facebook has just really annoyed me.

Pissed me off greatly.

And don't get too close because I am likely to poke someone in the eye.

For some stupid reason facebook has decided to make everyones profile page into a time line. Which means if you scroll back through the years you can see alllllllllll your history, everything that's ever been written on your wall, any comments you've made etc etc.

This is what angers me.

I don't want to look back at my past thank you very much.

I want to concentrate on the present. Today. Here and now.

I don't want to be reminded of mistakes I've made, failures in my life, stupid decisions. I try to block all that shit out. And now face book has decided to make the last 6 years of my life available online.

OK so maybe I'm being a tad over dramatic, but its only because I've just spent an hour deleting loads of crap from my time line and its got me all in a fluster.

I try so hard to take each day at a time, and not to dwell on the past, that it really annoys me when something out of my control brings up reminders. Argh.

Must.
Not.
Smash.
Computer.
Screen.


xx

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

a bit disorientated...

Jet lagged Susie...yawwwwn.

Even though I didn't change time zone, my body seems to need a lot of extra sleep.

Napped yesterday. And today. And probably again tomorrow.

Not entirely sure why I'm so knackered... I guess the fact that I mentally pushed myself so much over the week has kinda sapped energy from me.

Although that makes me feel like a little bit of a weakling.

Hmm.

But here is a little holiday snap, just as a reminder to show how far I've come......

Look at that grin!!!



xxx