Wednesday, 29 August 2012

hope and strength

I've been on a pretty downward spiral for the past few days.....the black dog has been barking, taking me for horrible walks and making me generally go a bit crazy.

BUT luckily I managed to get away with a friend (to Essex, very random long story and unfortunately I didn't see the lion....) and it has really helped me to step back and reflect on things. It was also great to talk to someone.

I've had so much buzzing around my brain bringing me down recently that I almost haven't known where to start. Well that's not exactly true. I have known where to start, but I know its a weird thing to talk about.

Because you see, the thing is, its coming up to a year since I attempted suicide. I can't remember the exact date, or day or time even, its all a bit of a blur. I just know its in September, sometime after the 6th and before the 27th. And its like the weirdest anniversary, I can't really get my head around it. Am I glad I'm still here? Am I glad that I survived? Will I be in that place again? I'm just overwhelmed with emotions thinking about it all, which I suppose is a lot better than feeling numb....

Its the most bizarre feeling. I don't like it.

I just want to skip September so I don't have to think about it.

Obviously that's not going to happen. I don't possess the gift of time travel. Curses. I know need to deal with this strange situation....and I'm not sure where to start....but I have a little plan forming....

A few days after my suicide attempt last year I got the word 'hope' tattooed on my right wrist. I wanted to remember that no matter how bad things got again, no matter how deep I might fall into the darkness, there would always be hope. Some people might find that strange, but it has really helped me. I'm such a visual person that I literally needed the word inked into my body to get it to sink in!!

And it has. Pretty much. I can see light now, whereas last year the light was utterly non existent. In fact, I don't think I even believed in the light, let alone see it.

So this year I'm thinking of getting another tattoo. I think I'm going to get the word 'strength' tattooed on my left wrist. To remind me that I'm stronger than I realise. To help me keep fighting this battle against depression. To remember what I've gone through in the past 2 years. That I'm still here. I'm alive.

And that strength hasn't just come from within me.

Its come from you.

Its come from my family.

Its come from my friends.

Its come from a Being greater than I can even imagine.

And throughout my journey, each person has helped to build me up, made me a little stronger.

I wouldn't be here without you.

Thank you


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