Friday, 30 December 2011

some fun and normality

Well, considering I went out last night, I am feeling surprisingly chipper today. I think I might be getting wise in my old age. Or maybe I've just had too many bad hangovers. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that I was a reasonably sensible old girl, and stopped drinking alcoholic beverages at midnight. I am headache free! Wahoo!

It was lovely getting out and about last night. My life almost felt normal for once.

I did feel pretty nervous before hand though. Knowing your going to be seeing old friends, who are going to ask the inevitable 'how are you' questions, just fills me with dread. Its so silly really, and my mind just spirals out of control into paranoia-land. Which is a pretty scary place. I don't advise visiting paranoia-land. If you ever get anywhere near the boundary, please turn around and run away quickly. Don't even think about stepping over the edge, you will forever regret it.  (Excellent advice, that I shouldn't just be dishing out, but that I should be taking myself....)

I was worrying for nothing of course. I had some good chinwags with people, and I didn't feel too shitty. I just have to concentrate on not comparing myself with others. And keeping the black dog as far away from me as possible.

I think I might be a little bit stronger than I realise...

xxx

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

dates and mystery

Killer of a headache, so probably not the best idea to be sat at the computer....

Ouch.

Although I have annoyingly not listened to my body and just wasted the past hour being nosey on the Internet. Its a dangerous habit. Whoops. I must control the gossip inside me...but its so hard! I love a bit of gossip. Not that I have any...Well, I might have some...But I really shouldn't say anything....I could just say a small bit of it....Maybe...

No..I won't..! My lips are sealed.

Ooh that was a good waste of a paragraph. Had you all on the edge of your seats for a minute. But in hindsight, I'm going to keep my mouth shut After all, a girl has to keep a few cards close to her chest. Sometimes I think that my life is like an open book, well, open blog really. So I need to keep some bits of my life mysterious.

I will say this....I am getting excited about a date in my diary. Not an actual date that you eat. Because I really hate dried fruit, its disgusting, so why would I put one in my diary?! Yuk.  But a date that's slowly but surely creeping nearer towards me (imagine if the dried fruit was doing that.. freaky..) So the fact that its nearly January, just makes that date seem a little closer.

Ha, this entry seems like a bit of a confusing oddball.

But that's OK.

That's just me!

xxx

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

off on a jolly

The midlands is calling me...

The place where people speak properly and I actually feel like I belong...(no offence Brizzle, I do like you, but its never going to be a lasting love affair...)

Up the M5 I travel tonight, to the wonderful town of Stourbridge, before heading over to the most Royal of towns, Leamington Spa. Yay!

So many happy memories, and I can't wait to see my lovely friends.

I must admit, packing has been rather stressful. So tricky trying to decide what to wear 4 days in advance, especially for someone who hates making decisions....and has a rather large collection of clothes...and shoes....and bags...

Anyway, that's all over now, I can just relax and try not to panic that I've forgotten something important....like....my knickers? Nope, defo packed them. Toothbrush, check. Teddy, whoops didn't mean to admit that I still travel with one of those...Hmm still racking my brain....fingers crossed!

xxx

Monday, 26 December 2011

don't let go

Absolutely exhausted.

I threw myself into yesterday as much as I possibly could, and now I'm finding it hard to move. In fact, I've barely made it out of my bed today. Whoops. Although I think I'm allowed this one whole day in bed, as a Christmas treat. A reward for making it through yesterday in one piece.

Just about anyway.

Well, no broken bones, I think its just my brain that's turned to jelly, but I'm hoping its nothing too permanent.

Not really sure how I managed to cook Christmas dinner for 7. But weirdly, it kept me fairly sane and distracted from everything else.

And now I'm sat here faffing around on you tube, listening to a tune that I'd forgotten about. I probably have written about it before, but never mind. Any song that has my name in it, is always a hit with me...(except for the Yogi bear and Susie bear song, so rude!) But the lyrics in this song really hit me straight between the eyes, and I need that sometimes. They're words that resonate so strongly with me, and I hope others can hear them too.

Don't let go.
Never give up.




xxx

Saturday, 24 December 2011

roads, signs and a marathon of thoughts

Far too much stuff running through my brain. I can't seem to grab onto one particular thought or feeling.

Its as if I'm stood watching the London Marathon runners go past. Zoom zoom zoom they race past faster than you can ever imagine. You see them coming up in the distance, little specs on the horizon and in a flash, suddenly they're gone. You're standing waiting to spot a friend, and you're craning your neck, standing on tip toes, trying to analyse the hundreds of people running past you. Have you missed them? You begin to panic, I need to see them, I want to spot them! Is it too late to catch a glimpse? You have to keep your fingers crossed, and now you really need a wee, so you have to keep your legs crossed too.  But you can't chance leaving, just in case you miss them. And if luck is with you, you'll spot them. They were looking for you, you were looking for them. You shout, scream, and cheer, before the moment quickly passes.

That's how my mind feels right now. I have a hundred thoughts and feeling racing through my brain, and I'm desperately searching and hoping to find the one called hope. Hope and love, and maybe a bit of Christmas cheer. Its just that in my depressed brain, the runners at the front are called hopelessness, worthless, darkness, despair, envy, failure. And they're the ones that take over the race. They block everything else out and tell me that the world would be so much better off without Susie Piggott.

 I have to keep believing that there are a few stragglers at the back of the race. The runners that never give up, despite having the toughest race. Bringing up the rear, persistently trying to wipe away the darkness. Perhaps they carry with them a little nugget of laughter... or at the very least a shitty joke from a cracker...!


xxx

P.S this song just seems to fit perfectly......thanks to Andy for sending it to me x

Friday, 23 December 2011

bahhh

Experiencing some pretty weird mood swings today.

One minute I'm laughing at myself. The next, I just don't seem very funny anymore...

Desperately searching for an adrenaline rush. Which could be quite dangerous....Especially as my pal Andy suggested skydiving.

 I'm so tempted to get another tattoo, but it would be ridiculous to get one just to experience the high that comes with it.

Does anyone have any adrenaline fuelled suggestions? (Anything that doesn't involve potentially slicing off a limb most welcome...)

Had to get out of the house today. Much as I love my family, I don't want to spend every minute with them over Christmas..... Which makes me feel even more like a moody miserable Grinch.

Oh nuts.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next 4 days.

x

Thursday, 22 December 2011

trying to get through

Been a little bit of a strange non existent day today.

I've just had to take a deep breath and get through it.

Surprise surprise I can't wait to get back into my bed again...

Urghhhhhhh.

x

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Superheros

Today I transformed into my alter ego and mega superhero Super Auntie Susie.

She donned her cape and grabbed her magic bag of tricks and swept her nephew along for a visit to see the jolly bearded fellow known as Santa.

She may not wear my pants over her trousers, but when the time is right, Super Auntie Susie can still perform some superhuman tricks. Getting up at 8am is just one of them. And pushing a ridiculously heavy buggy is another. When she transforms into Super Auntie Susie her muscles suddenly expand and she is able to lift small children as if they were as light as a feather. She has the patience of a saint and she can last a whole morning without a cigarette. Superheros just don't need fags.

However, the trouble with superheros  is they just don't stick around long enough. After a couple of hours, they have to take off their cape and relinquish their powers. They have to be a normal human being again.

And normal human beings aren't very good at fighting off black dog.

This one isn't anyway.

xxx

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

rubbishness

Black dog has got hold of me today.

I can't function properly.

Communication is limited.

Body is exhausted.

Mind is all muddled up.

All I can think about is going to sleep.

Oh its going to feel good.

Urgh hate writing when I'm feeling this low. I worry people must think I'm such a moaning miserable bitch. Hmm. Actually, maybe there is some truth in that. Oh I don't know.

Going to force myself to eat something. Black dog always takes away my appetite and I really don't want to turn into a boney twiglet again. Yuk.

xxx

Monday, 19 December 2011

bagaholic

Huge yawn.

MASSIVE YAWN.

Oh.

So.

Tired.

Getting up at 8am really doesn't agree with me.

But getting an unexpected tax rebate really does agree with me! Woohoo. Hurraah! I kind of feel like I've won a magic prize or something. £130 for Susie, thank you mr taxman, I like you a lot. In fact I like you so much that to commemorate this special event I have bought a new handbag in your honour.

And its beautiful, I like to stroke it.

My handbag and I are going to be very happy together.

A good day

xxx

Sunday, 18 December 2011

a mini bit of God stuff

When I tell people what my Dad does for a job, the next question is usually, "Are you really religious then?" And I never know what that actually means. What does 'really religious' mean? If it means going to church every week, then no, I'm not really religious. Or if it means reading the bible everyday, then, again, I would have to say no. I am not a devout person, and I don't pretend to be. What I can say is that throughout my life I have often felt far away from God, yet I have never doubted his existence.

Its not something I talk about much. Probably because I still haven't got my head around it all, and I also hate it when people shove their beliefs down other peoples throats. Yuk. But....saying that, this article popped into my life a few days ago, and whether or not you believe in any kind of Godly existence, it seems fitting.

The pressures of the outside world seem even more magnified at this time of year. It can be exhausting striving for perfection, when you feel so imperfect on the inside. And if you're not entirely sure whether God can be there to take a little of the weight off your shoulders at this time of year, then remember there are family and friends who can. They love you. Just as you are, messy, imperfect, ill, depressed, whatever. They don't care. They love you anyway.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has spoken on BBC Radio 2’s Pause for Thought programme to reassure listeners that however imperfect or ‘messy’ their Christmasses may be, God will still be there for them.
Thursday 15th December 2011

You know how every year you say, 'This year I'm going to get Christmas sorted out. I'll have the cards written by December the first and I'll work our properly what we can afford and do the presents in time, and I'll know exactly how many people are coming for meals and when, and...'all the rest of it. Lurking somewhere in our minds is the idea of the Perfect Christmas (probably with snow, only not the kind that closes down airports and messes up our travel plans).

And every year, mysteriously, all our plans seem to evaporate and it's the usual mess, with all the last minute panic. There'll be a good few people concerned just now about what they can afford for a start.

Yet it's odd in a way, this business of Perfect Christmasses. The story of the first Christmas is the story of a series of completely unplanned, messy events – a surprise pregnancy, an unexpected journey that's got to be made, a complete muddle over the hotel accommodation when you get there...Not exactly a perfect holiday.

But it tells us something really vital. We try to plan all this stuff and stay in charge, and too often (especially with advertisers singing in our ears the whole time) we think that unless we can cook the perfect dinner, plan the perfect wedding, organise the perfect Christmas, we somehow don't really count or we can't hold our heads up.

But in the complete mess of the first Christmas, God says, 'Don't worry – I'm not going to wait until you've got everything sorted out perfectly before I get involved with you. I'm already there for you in the middle of it all, and if you just let yourself lean on me a bit instead of trying to make yourself and everything around you perfect by your own efforts, everyone will feel a little more of my love flowing'.

I'm never sure whether to wish anyone a peaceful Christmas, because it hardly ever is. But I can wish you joy in the midst of the mess, and every blessing from the God of ordinary, untidy, surprising things.

xxx

Saturday, 17 December 2011

i heart bristol

Big up to Daddy P, who managed to get me out of the house this afternoon.

Of course I failed to get myself organised in time for yoga, and spent all morning underneath my duvet. It really is the best hiding place...so warm...so cosy... total bliss...

It was always going to be a difficult day, but the delights of  Fopp and walking across the floating harbour managed to keep the black dog at bay...

The light down at the waterfront in Bristol is always interesting. There's something about dusk, and the way the glass buildings reflect off one another and with the water... I love it. Its always moving and changing. You get these huge big industrial cranes, lined up ready for work, but now they're almost redundant. Some people would call them ugly. But to me, they're beautiful. Strong and silent grey figures that remind me of a time when things looked and sounded completely different. The smell of steam whispers across the water from someones boat. And I wish I could spend all day watching and drifting with the tide.

xxx

Friday, 16 December 2011

world of the strange

Oh for goodness sake you stupid computer. Why don't you cut me some slack and stock being such a knob!

Ah. That felt good. Release the angry beast in two short sentences instead of shoving my head through the computer screen. Much more appropriate. And not as destructive. Or painful.

Right, where was I....

Oh yes, I have been faffing around in a most annoying fashion. I can't really settle down, feel really restless. Having a headache that feels as if someone is constantly jabbing me in the head with a sharp stick isn't helping either. The fact that its a year ago today since I was signed off work  is bringing down my mood. Its a date that I don't want to remember. An anniversary I don't want to keep.

Dates like that are always irritating, and never fail to bring me down. But I think this one tops the list. Another reminder of my failings. Urgh. Another reminder of the marathon that I've still got to complete. Yuk. I don't think I've got the energy, I really don't. I'm only a little person. With tiny legs, and not much stamina. I can't take it any more. To think about next year, and realising that things probably wont have changed much again is so depressing. Disheartening. And makes me wonder what on earth the point is in my strange little existence.

25, living at home with parents. Trying desperately to keep busy. Knitting scarves, hats and baby blankets. Having to sit in the same chair every time I eat, and chop up my food into silly small pieces. Unable to plan things, or be around a big group of people. Failing to give up smoking because its the only way I can relax. Sleeping for 12 hours every day. Cleaning and organising obsessively when I feel like I need to try and control something in my life. Painting pictures that get shoved under my bed. Writing stories that I never finish. Missing people that might not be missing me. Walking in the fields as every season changes around me. Days turn into weeks, turn into months.

Sometimes I can't believe this is what my life has turned into. Totally bizarre.

xxx

Thursday, 15 December 2011

NHS mental health service...jokers?

A laughably disappointing meeting with the psychiatrist today.

I could feel upset...but mostly I'm just angry.

Emotionally drained.

xxx

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

keep fighting

Trying my best not to freak about my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

 But its hard.

I don't want to be brushed aside, or ignored. I want to be listened to and understood. If I had a lump on my arm or something, the doctors would do every test possible to get the right diagnosis. So why does it feel different when it comes to mental health? After 4 psychiatrists in 6 months, this doctor shouldn't just flick through my notes and top up my medication, surely he should start from the beginning. He should check and double check his facts. I don't mind going over the same questions again and again, I just want to be sure that nothing has been overlooked.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm not sure. I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that there is something more to my illness.

Ugh yuk. I really don't want to go tomorrow! Anyone want to swop with me? I can clean, type, do washing, be a personal slave for a day? What other skills can I offer....Oooo I can do all your Christmas shopping? I haven't got much to offer actually. Bugger.

Oh dear, I'm still wishing this month away. Its bringing up some horrible memories. And sometimes I feel so frustrated that not a lot has changed in my life. That's until I remember what I've overcome. I have fought this illness, I have battled it every day, I've tried to take my own life, but, somehow I'm still here. I've clung onto hope in the darkest moments, and I'm reminded by that everyday on my arm.

I hope others can keep fighting too. We can't let this black dog win. We deserve to be well again. Free from depression, free from our fears/

I have an amazing friend who reads this, but doesn't click on the links when I put songs on (very naughty I know....he he!) She is struggling so much with different things, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I don't want her to give up. I want her to keep fighting too. So, for her, and again for me, here are the lyrics of two songs that are a great big injection full of hope.....

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) Josh Groban
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Wonderful, Gary Go

The person that you were has died
You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life - into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition’s gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don’t know what you wanna do
Cause what you want does not want you
If what you want does not want you
And you’ve got no pull to pull you through

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful"

If what you’ve lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don’t stop to let it pass you by
You’ve gotta look yourself in the eye

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”

Cause we are all miracles
wrapped up in chemicals
We are incredible
Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
Oh we are

Say “I am”
Say “I am”
Say “I am wonderful”
Oh you are

Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
wrapped up, yeah we’re wrapped up
Oh we are wonderful


xxx

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

must go and get ready

Its never the best idea to write this when in a rush.

So...

I'm not going to!

Ha.

What a hoot...

xxx

(actually I just made myself giggle...which is either worrying or good news...or both...!)

Monday, 12 December 2011

Top tips

Susie's top tips for controlling anxiety......(in times of stress, planning, shopping and other stuff...)

I'm making this list mainly for myself as I don't want to forget them, but maybe someone else will find it helpful too!

1. Don't put pressure on yourself. Get rid of it. Its unhelpful and a pain in the arse.

2. Have a plan A, but most importantly have a plan B. You could go wild and have a plan C too. Why not. Remember that you always have options, ways out, exit routes, etc. And of course, you don't have to stick to any of the plans at all, you can leave it till tomorrow, or the next day, whenever!

3. Make a list. Always a good one. Maybe make two. Manageable lists of course. Don't write down everything you have to do for the next month, yuk. Far too overwhelming. Start small. And if you're memory is as bad as mine, a list is very reassuring. Stops me worrying that I've forgotten something.

4. Talk to someone. You might be getting your knickers in a twist for something that seems silly, but I bet its not. Sharing the load is a great plan. And often clever people have lovely suggestions to help you.

5. When out in busy places, stick the ipod on. Keep a relaxing playlist all ready and waiting to soothe your brain cells. Air, Zero 7, and classical tunes always help me.

6. Have a break. Have a kitkat. Or a sausage roll. Take time out, have some space, and recharge your batteries. I always carry a snack in my bag for such times.

7. I also always carry a little something to hold in my paw when my anxiety is bad. Its a technique that I find so useful. It could be a stone, or I used to have a shell that I liked, then it was rosary beads, and now its a tiny glass pig. Just holding it, rubbing it, putting my energy into something else, instead of my anxiety, works wonders.

8. In the age of technology, my phone is a god send. When I'm feeling anxious and uncomfortable, I can have a bit of a text, a browse on the Internet, and know one would know whats going through my head. Its pretty obvious I guess, but makes a huge difference to me.

9. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just concentrate on getting through today.

There might be a few more that pop into my head later... (a list of 10 really would sound better..) But for now I feel quite pleased that over the past year I've been able to teach myself these coping strategies. Of course, sometimes it all goes completely out of the window, and a panic attack will pounce on me out of nowhere! It feels like progress though, and that's got to be good.

xxx

Sunday, 11 December 2011

all i want for christmas

Been sitting here feeling pretty rotten, and once again wishing that it wasn't December. I think everyones festive period would be a lot brighter without my sour old face dragging them down. I don't want to inflict my illness on others. I wish I could wrap myself in brown paper and post myself across the globe. Wake up somewhere sunny, and be satisfied that for the next month I wouldn't be able to ruin anybodys Christmas.

But maybe that sounds self centred. Maybe I should realise that whether I'm here or not doesn't really make much difference to anyone.

I don't know.

I'm confused.

What I do know is that after seeing this video on the news, something clicked in my head (and it made me giggle too...!)




 I'm sure lots of people have seen it, but it was posted by the crew of HMS Ocean, who were away for 7 months...instead of 7 weeks!  They're now back home with their families for the next month...just in time for Christmas. A heartwarming tale. And one that's made me think. What do I want for Christmas? Or maybe not just for Christmas, but in life. What do I want?

Presents? Hugs? Festive goodwill?

All good things. But none of those are at the top of my list.

I count myself as lucky, I know I have family and friends who love me, and I certainly couldn't ask for more from them.

But someone who wants me for Christmas? Perhaps that's a small secret wish that I'd like too....Although something that I've pretty much realised isn't going to happen for me...so that can't be at the top of the list.

So, all I want for Christmas?

I want me.

And maybe that sounds selfish, but after this year, its all I can hope for.

I want Susie back.

Healthy me.

No more depression.

No more anxiety.

Just me.

Susie.

xxx

Saturday, 10 December 2011

listen to your body

One of the most IRRITATING things about being unwell, is having to listen to your body. To know when to rest, and to take time out, but also know when you should push yourself, and get out of your comfort zone.

Its not been the best of weeks, and I think having this nasty cold virus hasn't helped my brain. Its an easy gateway for the black dog to creep in.

I really wanted to go away this weekend, but I've had to be a sensible girl and admit that actually, I'm not strong enough to go. I hate making those kind of decisions!

Curses.

This is just going to be another tiny entry because when I was going to bed last night I had an idea for a story. It wont go away so I must go and write it down before I forget about it! I'm quite excited actually, its going to be a little story for my nephew Joshua....involving gardens, a bit of magic and several fussy pheasants...

Intrigued? Me too...!

xxx

Thursday, 8 December 2011

sinking

A pointless entry wittering on about the same old stuff.

A pointless day full of the same questions.

A pointless year when nothing has changed.

A pointless life.

x

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

i wish



This is where I would like to be today, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.....

Lying in the sand, feeling the sun hot on my skin, and hearing the inviting waves coming onto the shore.

So if anyone has a genie in a lamp knocking around, or perhaps a fairy godmother in need of some work (although I guess it is Panto season and they might be a bit busy...) please send them my way. Even a magic wand would be worth a try....

And quite frankly, for today, I think that says it all....!

xxx

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

lets dance

Smashed the 20,000 hits target today! Many thanks everyone :-)

I've had some lovely messages of encouragement over the last few days. And they really have made a difference. Just to know that I'm not the only one out there suffering is a huge reassurance. Its so humbling to realise that people are sending positive vibes my way, I don't really deserve them, but I'm massively grateful. Thank you.

I managed to get my arse out of the house today and do something mildly productive. Felt quite proud of myself for once. Especially as I surfaced before 9am, for me that's truly impressive.

This afternoon another gem of a song popped on the radio and I couldn't help but dance wildly round my bedroom. It brought back memories of VK apples, crazy dance moves, losing all my friends in the union, and seeing lots of random sheep everywhere. And if you didn't go to Loughborough Uni on a Wednesday night then you may not quite understand, but I'm pretty sure you will have experienced something similar....

So turn up the volume, wave your arms in the air, stamp your feet, but most importantly, wiggle that bum.....!

xxx

Monday, 5 December 2011

fast forward me please

If just one lovely person out there in cyber land had a couple of tips on how to survive the next month, I would be eternally grateful.

Christmas seems to be coming at me from every angle at the moment, and I just can't cope with it. Every time I turn on the TV, I'm bombarded by a million adverts promising the best presents, the fattest turkey, and a dozen plastic faces sporting wide toothed grins. Who are obviously enjoying the most amazing Christmas ever.

As soon as I step into a shop I can immediately hear the dreaded Christmas tunes making the usual rounds. Someone change the record please. I really don't think I can cope with 3 more weeks of Noddy Holder screaming, "Its Chrisssstmaas...!" My ears are bleeding.

And as for people posting on facebook about Christmas, well, that's another story. But I really don't need to know that you've just seen the Coca-Cola advert, its been around for 10 years, I think its an established fact that you will see it some time over the next month.

Oh dear. I really am a miserable bitch tonight. Apologies.

I just don't think I've got the strength to survive this month.

I want to go to bed, fall asleep and wake up again in January.

It doesn't happen very often but I've just burst into tears as I'm sat here....I think its time to stop typing...

x

Sunday, 4 December 2011

darkness

Feeling particularly useless this evening.

 My brain feels frazzled, and my body is empty.

I hate feeling like this.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

A never ending dark tunnel.

Lost.

Trapped.

It seems so much worse because I think I should be on a high, as I've had a few days with my lovely friends.

All weekend the black dog has been biting at my ankles. I've had to kick him away, give my self little bits of space, and try and use my mantras to control him.

But now, I have lost all control.

I just want to change everything.

Change my life.

Change this situation.

Change me.

Hate this.

Hate me.

Hate hate hate.

x

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Trying to stay strong

Ooo I'm writing this on a fancy pants iPad and I haven't really got my head around it yet.....so apologies for the many typo errors etc....

I'm currently in Manchester and I've had a fabulous afternoon with my girlfriends at cloud 23. The only trouble is I'm losing my voice and sound like some sort of husky old lady...the smoking habit is probabably not really helping.whoops

Trying my best to keep the black dog at bay....it's so hard though...*bigsigh*

Perhaps another glass of wine and a sausage roll?

Oh go on then.....

Xxx

Thursday, 1 December 2011

stay away black dog!

There really is something special about having a stroll and popping your ipod on shuffle. Especially when a gem like this pops up.....


Quite simply, I couldn't ask for more.

Who needs to buy a new album every week when theres classic tunes like this hiding away?

Although now I have a very strong urge to get straight onto amazon and by the film. As a little one watching Robin Hood I was always puzzled by how Little John was rather large, but had a tiny hat, yet Robin Hood was small, and had a huge hat. What a conundrum. Its those kind of problems that keep me awake at night....

And now I just can't seem to stop whistleing that tune....! Oh well. Its probably in your head too now...

Today has been really rather productive. I've managed to jump over a few difficult hurdles. I actually sat down and finished my proposal for the art gallery, and posted it too. Still can't quite believe I've done that to be honest. And even if it doesnt go through (which it probably won't) I want to try and hold onto the fact that I tested the waters, and at least attempted it. Its a bit of a Christmas miracle.

There won't be much blogging activity over the next few days as I'm going to be riding the rail up to Manchester tomorrow...(insert huge excitement and large whooping noise here please..!) Oh its just going to be acefantastic.

Afternoon tea with the girls at Cloud 21 or 23...I can't remember...but I do know I've got a new dress...(another story, but shopping with a huge self image problem does have its difficulties..)Anyway, although Laura and I don't actually drink tea, I have a sneaky feeling there might be a glass of something sparkly around instead. Teeheehee.

Just hope the black dog stays in his kennel. He is not welcome in Manchester!


xxx