Sunday, 30 October 2011

grumpy chops

I want to believe something good about myself.

But that bastard black dog won't let me.

Urgh.

x

Saturday, 29 October 2011

sleepy times

Saddened to hear the news that the legend himself Mr Jimmie Saville has passed away. One of my most favourite programmes as a little munchkin was "Jim'll fix it' for you and you and you and  babaBAAA"...good times. I always wanted one of those shiny medals.

My cousin once wrote in asking if the 5 of us cousins could be the Famous Five for the day. Unfortunatly Jimmie never quite made our wish come true. But that didnt stop us from still living out our dream. Although Nina and I always got the duff parts, like Timmy the dog, or a tree or something. Ah well. Life goes on.

Feeling pretty much cream crackered, knackered and exhausted after a morning of jumble jumble everywhere.

Luckily my 2 year old nephew was a great help at being a "Shokpeeper" at the "jungle sale" (his words, obviously, not mine....!

Bedtime?

Oh go on then...

xxx

Friday, 28 October 2011

jumble jumble everywhere

Little bit shaky this evening. Just had my tea and started juggling with the houmous, luckily none of it ended up on the floor. Phew.

After a few weeks of organising, the jumble sale has finally arrived. Tomorrow morning I will have my selling hat on and my fingers crossed that people turn up! Its been a good distraction for me...But I must admit I'm a wee bit nervous about it all too. I think I will probably have to keep sneaking out for breaks. Hopefully Kim won't find me cowering in the corner, hiding from all crazy crowds.

 Deep breath Sooz.

 Don't put any pressure on yourself.

You're not letting people down if you find it all overwhelming.

When Kim and I were sorting through the jumble, we found some absolute classics. Frayed old ladies bra anyone? Or perhaps a rusty paint covered radio? But fear not, we weeded out the crap (well, most of it..)

Ahh! I'm going to stop thinking about tomorrow. My mind is racing and I can feel my body getting more and more panicky.

What shall I think about instead?

Hum.

Erm.

I know, I'll play a good song, and try and muster up a bit of confidence...

Big sigh.

Here we go...again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a28s_wyqkyc&feature=artistrec

I can do this...can't I?

xx

p.s my lovely friend Louisa took this photo on Wednesday....I haven't seen a rainbow for so long...and it was just another little reminder that hope can always be found..sometimes in the most unexpected places...!

xx

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

kindred spirits

Kindred spirits.

I like that phrase.

It makes me feel all warm and cosy.

It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables (if you haven't read or watched the videos, shame on you...although I doubt many of the male species have entered into the world of Avonlea...)

Its a phrase that gives me hope.

It makes me feel connected.

I like feeling connected.

And I like the feeling of liking feeling connected.

Ha! Bet that confused you...

A spirit, in my mind, is something invisible, a link, or a chain that can go anywhere, its superhuman. Its indestructible. You cannot harm or break it. It will never die. And it will never change.

Kindred spirits.

It reminds me that I'm not alone.

And I will say HURRAH to that!

xxx

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

She dreamed

Utterly fed up of having  non stop rubbish black dog days.

Urgh.

It feels like if I have 1 day that is a bit better then I am punished by having 4 completely stinking sodding days without the light.

(Metaphorically speaking of course, my house does have electricity, and  the lights are on, I'm not sat here using candles...)

I've tried to get out of the house. I've tried distracting myself. I've kept myself busy. I've even tried to dance around the living room with my nephew.

But to no avail. Nothing is working.

Which makes me wonder, whats the point of trying? Maybe I should just conserve that energy, and do what my brain and body really crave, which is, of course, my bed.

My lovely, beautiful, warm and cosy bed.

The only place I can curl into a ball, make myself a little nest, and wish the world away. Where I can imagine that the last year hasn't really happened, its all been one long nightmare, and I can wake up, fresh, shiny and new. No blemishes, no scars, no more tears.

I can disappear in my bed. Pretend that Susie Piggott doesn't really exist. That I have vanished, and I don't ever have to come back. That I can sleep forever if I want to, and I never have to wake up.

I'm safe in my bed. I'm safe when I'm asleep (well...apart from the nightmares....but we'll forget about that for now...)

Closing my eyes, and hugging my legs tightly to me, I try and train my brain to take me to my beach. Where I can walk alone across the sand and see the sun dipping down into the ocean. My toes are tickled by the seaweed in the rockpools and I watch the crabs scuttling between the rocks. I can feel the breeze against my face, soft and warm. Digging my hands into the sand, I look around me, just to check no-one else is around. And then I run, as quick as I can to the inviting waves, and let the sea wash over me.


"Paradise by Coldplay"

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of  paradise
paradise
paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied

And dreamed of  paradise
 paradise
 paradise


She dreamed of paradise
paradise
paradise

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be  paradise
 paradise
This could be  paradise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ZWlDks0nQ

xxxx
 

Monday, 24 October 2011

My keyboard talks to me

Just spent half an hour writing tonights entry...

Then decided I hated it and my writing was completley gross and utterly awful.

So I said "Helllooo Mr Delete button......tap tap tap!"

And Mr Delete button said, "Well done old girl, that blog really does stink, use me as often as you like!"

Ooo curses.

Curses. Curses!

xxx

Sunday, 23 October 2011

a few words

frustrated

angry

hate being controlled

tired

dont try and control me

fight

fight

frustrated

empty

darkness

hate

loathe

fight

fight

fed up

x

Saturday, 22 October 2011

I heart America

Ooo just had a bonfire in the garden with my dad. Love bonfires. Not that I'm pyromaniac or anything. I just get quite excited about burning things... (Yeah, that's probably what a pyromaniac would say too, oh well...!)

I love the smokey, woody smell, and the colourful dancing flames. The way the fire has a mind of its own, cracking and spitting sparks. Jumping around like its having a wail of  time. And its so warm. Toasty in fact. Anything that warms me up has to get my vote.

When I was doing Camp America three years ago, I spent a considerable amount of time sat round a camp fire. Lighting the fire became one of my favourite tasks first thing in the morning. When no-one else was around, and I could enjoy a moment of quiet. Ah bliss. Not that it lasted long! Ha. And it wasn't much fun with wet wood either, when I would spend most of the time cursing the flipping thing and flapping around with a plate.

In the evenings we would often make s'mores. Which are melted marshmallows sandwiched between gram crackers and chocolate. Quite delish and utterly fattening. (I don't think I spelt gram crackers the right way. I think you spell in graham. Maybe?) Hmm its not really important. But I used to like calling them Graham crackers anyway.

Ooo I have a craving for those Graham boys now.

And a craving for America.

Somebody take me back please...

xxx

Friday, 21 October 2011

frustrated sooz

RIDICULOUSLY distracted.

So probably not the best time to try and write this.

Well, I'm here now, so I guess its worth a little try.

Yoga again tomorrow. Yes! It will be my 3rd session, hurrah! Last week was quite a lot harder than the first week, but I did enjoy the warrior pose. And there was this weird bit at the beginning when you had to stick you finger up your nose or something. No, hang on, that's not right... I mean you had to cover your nose with your finger...Hmm, I'm not entirely sure to be honest, I got quite confused in the brain.

Especially when the woman says breathe out, and I'm usually breathing in at that point. She also kept on going on about getting your navel to your spine. Excuse me, what?? Literally I think she must have no bones in her body, or she's speaking a special yoga language. I need to learn this yoga language.

I think I'm just excited about doing my monkey pose again...

I'm really trying to push myself at the moment, continuing to give myself challenges each day.

Its flippin exhausting though.

And I'm not sleeping well which doesn't help.

 My nightmares are refusing to budge. Even when I wake up, they stay with me all day. Theres no point trying to tell someone or explain them because they just sound silly when I say them out loud. Sometimes I wake up shaking, or even crying (that's a bit embarrassing actually, didn't mean to admit that...) Floods and tsunamis are the most reoccurring. Or being attacked and chased. Or people close to me dying. The other horrible one is when I have a panic attack in my dream and then I wake up and I'm still having one.

 Horrible and nasty stuff. Sometimes I feel like a little kid because I don't want to go to sleep, I feel so scared of what tricks my mind is going to play on me. And you're all alone at nighttime too, which isn't the best. Well, I guess most people have someone to cuddle, but I don't, which is ok, but sometimes we all need a cuddle. I used to have my darling pooch Bella, but now she's gone. I miss her.

I miss my Grandpa too. In fact I could write a list of all the people I miss, a lot, a lot, a lot.

Oh I dont know why I start typing these things sometimes, I just make myself feel worse.

ARGH I really really don't like my brain. In fact I flippin HATE it.

I was sat on the step yesterday trying to find one thing I liked about myself. Shall I tell you what I came up with? My tattoo. My flipping tattoo. Which isnt even part of me, its an addition!!

ARGHARGHHHHHHHH

CURSES CURSES CURSES

I AM SO FRUSTRATED OF FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

my worms are all muggled up

I'm a little bit muddled up and all over the place tonight.

Its the kind of evening when I'm most likely to put toothpaste on my face instead of moisturiser or maybe spill diet coke on the newly cleaned carpet. But fingers crossed, I will try and avert disaster.
I shall probably contain myself to the comfort of my bedroom, which pretty much looks like a bomb site anyway so I don't really think I could make it much worse...!

I had a bad case of cabin fever today and just HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Despite being skint, I played the 'if I had a £1000 game' and picked out a few luxuries in Harvey Nichols. I quite like pretending to have a wallet full of dosh, I become my alter ego Lady Susanna, and quietly whisper, "But darling, when I was in Paris last month, it was all about red at fashion week, not burgundy.." Perhaps the fact that I'm wandering around on my own talking to myself slightly puts off the sales assistants from approaching me. Ah well, I'm in my imaginary world, and I don't care.

Am I a little bit sad?

Quite possibly yes...!

xxx

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

500 days of summer

Check out this clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw

Its from the film 500 days of summer. Which is a kind of OK film. Middle of the road. Good bits and bad bits. I think I quite like it. Maybe I need to watch it again as I seem to be a little undecided...!

Anyway, I want to start my day like that. I want to have a spring in my step. A bounce in my boots. A smile on my face. I want to feel happy. I want to see fireworks, and dance down the street. I want to wear a stupidly silly grin. I want to feel all warm inside (and having the central heating on doesn't count.) And, unlike the guy in the film, I know that I'm not going to get that from just one person. His surge of happiness quickly evaporates, like his girlfriend.

I'm not really sure if I'm making sense. Because I know that seeing certain people makes me happy, and hopefully one day (in a magical dreamland with all my fingers crossed) I might be with someone who makes me happy. But, its like, I've realised that its a lot more complicated than that. I need to be happy with ME first.

Bloody hell its taking a flipping long time isn't it??

I'm not even mildly pleased with myself yet. Let alone happy.

CURSES.

I just despise myself. And I can't get away from that.

x

Monday, 17 October 2011

Merci

 
 
 
Still find it so bizarre that people are continuing to read this. Especially when I'm having a run of bad days, feeling totally shit and useless. I get to the computer and think, "Urgh. Nothing positive to say tonight. AGAIN." Which can get a little bit frustrating.
 
So its really nice to check out my blog stats, and be reminded that you gorgeous people out there in cyber land are still routing for me to survive and beat this illness.
 
At least I think you are. I hope you are. You may just be laughing at the slightly strange situations I get myself into. Or giggling at the odd ways my brain works. I'm guessing maybe a little bit of both.
 
 Giggling is good, laughing is better, and nearly wetting yourself and not being able to breath because something is so HILARIOUS is priceless. Not that I've been in that situation for a while. Maybe I should put on some Alan Partridge. That usually cracks me up a treat. 
 
Anyway, just decided to share my blogging stats for the last 17 days, and say a huge big THANK YOU to everyone, all of you (even you gross person picking your nose...ewwww...)
 
United Kingdom
 pageviews 1,057
United States pageviews
 91
Germany
 pageviews 22
Thailand pageviews
22
Australia pageviews
18
France
 pageviews 14
Russia pageviews
9
Canada
 pageviews 2
Egypt
 pageviews2
India pageviews
2
Also I have some readers in Singapore, Denmark, and another country that I cant remember the name of, but it sounded quite exotic!
Hello and thank you to you too!

xxx

Sunday, 16 October 2011

black dog is a menace

I've been in a strange mood today... (well, stranger than usual..)

Can't really settle into anything.

Restless.

I just feel rubbish really.

Bloody black dog.

ARGH.

x

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Elizabeth Town

Well, seeing Harry from McFly dancing with his shirt off certainly perked up my Saturday night!

Hehe.

Oh dear, I think I might be turning into a Strictly addict.

Ah well. There's worse things I could have cravings for...

Anyway.......

Yesterday I watched one of my favourite films, Elizabeth Town. If you havent seen it, please do so immediatly.

And seeing as I havent been too cheesy for a while, I've decided tonight is the night to open up a bit of gorgonzola .

I've attached a clip from the final scene of the film. The quality is utterly awful, but stick with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQYgSO_aqiw&feature=related

It might be stating the blatently obvious.

But I need that.

I need things to remind me my life is worth living.

To nudge me in the right direction.

And most importantly its reminded me that I have chosen LIFE

xxx

Friday, 14 October 2011

knit knit knit

I'm in the middle of a frenzied knitting session.

Wool everywhere.

I keep on finding it in my hair actually, which really isn't a good look.

My new 'collection' (haha that makes it sound really professional, when in actual fact, my sewing is appalling) includes varied colours and sizes of baby/ children's hats.

Varied in size because I'm not a perfectionist.

Varied in colour because I was kindly donated lots of wool, which are quite random.

Bright and bold is an understatement. Two of the hats are a dazzling fluro orange, and so would suit a little raver baby perhaps. 

I'm helping to organise a jumble sale in a couple of weeks, so thought people might possibly be enticed to buy my crazy baby hats.

Which is a chance for me to plug this amazing event actually (Kim will be proud of me)...

Saturday 29th October 10am-1pm
Blagdon Village Club
All proceeds going to Children's Hospice Southwest.

Its going to be immense. I'll probably do a little bit more chatting about it nearer the time, but you really should make a space in your diary. Jumble is massive. Enough said.

Anyway its been quite good for me to have a little project and something to focus on, so I'm quite thankful for that.

In the time that I've spent off work my knitting hasn't really improved all that much, but it is a very good way of de-stressing's ones mind. I can highly recommend it.

xxx

Thursday, 13 October 2011

petite blogging

I would like to write a witty entry today. Describing an amusing incident perhaps. Jolly good japes and laughs all round.

Unfortunately I'm feeling as low as a....as a.....(desperately trying to think of a fitting simile here...) as low as a submarine? They're pretty low aren't they. Well in terms of underwater measurements at least.

x

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

the voice of Lady Susanna

One is tired yet restless.

What a ghastly combination.

One is feeling particulary shitty today.

Its really rather beastly.

x

(And one has been reading and watching far too many period dramas....)

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

challenging to try something different

Feeling pretty darned stuffed right now.

I need my expandable trousers!

I guess its good that I have definitely got my appetite back nowadays. Although I'm probably still not eating the most healthy food.

Ah well!

Speaking of trousers, I have set myself a clothing challenge over the last few weeks. I don't always stick to it, but I'm really trying to wear a different item of clothing each day. Whether its a top, or maybe jewellery, or even shoes. It sounds a bit simple and silly, but its a desperate attempt to tear myself away from my beloved grey hoody.

That grey hoody has been worn to death. I have certainly got my moneys worth. Its comfy, and the world just doesn't seem as scary when I wear it, (maybe I should write to GAP and thank them, that's some magic they have woven into their fabrics...)

But despite that, I know I look like death in it, and I have a wardrobe stuffed full of lovely stuff, that I should try and maximise. I actually went through it the other day and got quite excited about my winter woollies. I said to my Mum, "I don't remember wearing any of these last year." To which she replied, "That's because you lived in your flippin hoody and trackie bottoms!" Hmm. Yes. Well. I can't argue with that. The lady does speak some truth.

And despite the fact it takes monumental effort, I do feel a little brighter once I have finally decided on wearing something other than the grey hoody. It doesn't always work, but just the process is a distraction. Just thinking about the possibility of changing it makes it more likely to happen.

My counsellor said that last week actually. Sounds quite an obvious statement but I had never really thought about it. She was encouraging me and said, even when I just think about doing something (like going out of the house, meeting someone new, trying a yoga class, or reinventing myself as a burlesque dancer....ha just kidding...) I am much more likely to do it, than if I hadn't thought about it.

Does that make sense?

Or is it a case of no shit Sherlock?

Maybe it is, and perhaps it is obvious, but I find it quite helpful.

And I like helpful.

xx

Monday, 10 October 2011

Eeyore

A grey day.

Struggling to find any light or colour today.

My head aches, my brain hurts, my body feels totally wiped out and I feel utterly worthless and rubbish.

Whoa, that was a long sentence.

Black dog just wont budge today.

Its sometimes so hard coming to write this when I feel like a miserable old cow. Actually, not old. I'm only 25. But I am definitely a miserable cow. I have something of an Eeyore like quality about me today. I loved Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh books. He's such a misunderstood character. All he wants is a little bit of space to eat his thistles, I can relate to that, (the space part, not the thistle eating part.)

x

Sunday, 9 October 2011

On the plus side

Just spent half an hour shouting at the computer.

RAGE.

Somehow my facebook and twitter accounts have become disconnected.

ANNOYING.

Why can't technology just be nice to me for a change?

IRRITATING.

The accounts still won't link.

CURSES.

On the plus side, I'm feeling quite warm and cosy. Well, my body is freezing despite wearing a million layers of clothes, but I have this nice Sunday evening winter feeling. Something about the smell of a roast dinner and the prospect of watching Downton Abbey whilst wrapped up in my blanket next to the fire. Its quite a comforting thought.

I know a lot of people don't really like the winter. And I do hate being cold. But I just love nesting in. Like a little hedgehog, because in my head, hedgehogs have cosy cute winter houses and drink hot chocolate and wear knitted scarves. They eat crumpets for tea and watch the antiques road show, and have autumn leaves for wallpaper. They also enjoy baking christmas cakes and catching up on all their correspondance with their hedgehog relations. What a lovely life. Better than eating cat food and getting stuck in a bramble bush, dont you think?

xxx

Saturday, 8 October 2011

The flying cobra

Woopdewoop, I achieved something today!

Yup, that's right, I'm going to give myself a little pat on the back.

Pat pat pat.

There we go, that was satisfying.

After contemplating the art of yoga throughout the week, I actually went to the class.

And, not only that, I quite enjoyed it.

It was Hatha Yoga, which is focused more on relaxation and distressing the mind. Perfect for  stressed out little Susie!

There were only about 8 people in the class as well, so I didn't have to whack anyone with my mat to get a place at the back. We were all very spaced out and serene.

I was also a big fan of all the relaxation bits, as it meant I could close my eyes and drift oft into dreamland. My quiet little happy place. I often go there when I'm feeling particularly down or anxious. I've created a beautiful beach in my mind, no-one else is around, its just me, and a few puffins, and crabs that I can sometimes find in the rock pools. Sounds a bit strange I know. But my mind really can magic up a piece of heaven, and this yoga malarkey just made it even easier to get there, bonus!

Some of the different positions made me smile too. I think I'll become a fan of the monkey and the flying cobra. Oh and not forgetting the downward dog too of course.

Maybe this all sounds a little daft. Most people go to exercise classes everyday, without any fuss or commotion. Although if you do go every day, I really do think you deserve a pat on the back too, that's dedication for you. But for me, just thinking about going to yoga was an achievement, and the fact that I've done it and I want to go again, is quite unbelievable really.

That's the thing about the black dog. He makes you think you're not capable of doing anything. That you will fail, and so its not even worth trying.

Well, up yours black dog, I did it!

Moooohahhaaha! (That's me laughing in the face of depression, just incase you thought I had turned into a cow...)


xxx

Thursday, 6 October 2011

hopes and dreams

hope (hopes, hoping, hoped)  :

want or expect to have a wish to have or do something or for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely
          
confident desire a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen

likelihood of success a chance that something desireable will happen or be possible

wish or desire something that somebody wants to have or do or wants to happen or be true

source of success somebody or something that seems likely to bring success or relief

trust a feeling of trust (archaic Old English)

dream:

imaginings while asleep a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places and events

waking imaginings a series of images, usually pleasant ones, that pass through the mind of somebody who is awake

something hoped for something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances

idle hope an idea or hope that is impractical or unlikely ever to be realized

vague state a state of inattention owing to preoccupation with thoughts or fantasies

something beautiful somebody or something that seems particuarly good looking or wonderful


Bloomsbury, London, Concise English Dictionary, 2001

 My meeting went really well with my new doctor today. Its great to have some good news.

And strangely it led me to dust off my giant dictionary and have a little investigate. Because she asked me what my hopes and dreams were. Two words that I like a lot. Good job really as I have one of them tattooed on my arm. But I don't always like the words used together. They seem a bit scary next to each other.

When I was a little girl I had so many hopes and dreams. They were sometimes quite basic (I wanted a dog and a red car when I grew up), and others were slightly more wild (I wanted to walk on the moon.) I was also a little bit obsessed with the Queen, and desperate to meet her. I was absoloutly convinved that she had a gold bathroom, complete with a gold toilet and everything. I'm not entirely sure where this fascination came from, or why it was her bathroom that really gripped my imagination, but I was only 6!

Two years ago, that particular childhood dream actually happened. I won't bore everyone with the story, but  its an example of something that I never believed would come true. Quite a random and crazy example, but surely thats what all the best dreams are like?!

And so, after todays appointment I got out my notebook and started to scribble some hopes and dreams for my future. I still cant believe I actually did it to be honest, I must have just eaten a happy pill or something. Despite being ever so tempted to rip up the list. I'm going to keep it. I need to remind myself that just because I've written them down doesn't mean I'm a failure if I don't achieve them. They are only fanciful ideas. But  a good way to start.

xxx

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Nothing there

Got an appointment with my another new psychiatrist tomorrow. Yikes.

I'm more than a little bit nervous.

And I've already got ridiculous dry mouth and having to drink buckets of water.

Parched.

If anybody fancies a day in the life of Susie Piggott, please let me know, I'm very happy to swop!

I would quite like to write more tonight...

But the problem is, I've got nothing to say.

Nothing new, nothing different, nothing worth saying.

Same old same.

And it seems my wit has deserted me and my brain hurts.

Bad combination.

xx

Monday, 3 October 2011

Seasons of love

Just deleted all of tonight's blog...

I wasn't making much sense.

So instead, I'll just pop a little link on here that was given to me a while back.

And say thank you Mr Melia...

xxx

2 days later I finally realise and add the link......what a donut!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8iTeDl_Wug

Sunday, 2 October 2011

2nd of October, really?

A little bit of a confusing day...

Is it Summer? Or Autumn?

Flippin heck I wish the weather would make up its mind.

My Grandma (aka the weather girl) assures me its going to snow this month.

Ahem. Grandma, I think you may be wrong. Its 25 degrees outside and I'm wearing shorts! And I was in my bikini on the beach on Thursday. In England. Its all very strange.

For me, September and October will always make me feel like going out and buying a new pencil case. The start of a new term, a new year. Even though I've been out of school for 7 years, and graduated university 4 years ago, I still want to sharpen my pencils and stock up on stationary.

I loved school and uni. I really miss writing essays and learning new stuff. I know that makes me a huge geek, but I am very jealous of all those still studying away and making up their packed lunches. (Especially if you've got a Capri Sun and a Babybell in there, always made my school day a little brighter...)

And so, this kind of sinking feeling that often follows me around like a bad smell just won't budge this weekend. I can't help but be reminded of the fact that nothing has really changed in my life, and another year has gone by without me achieving anything.

Comparing myself to others is one of my major hang ups, but my mind is uncontrollably obsessed with it! The black dog makes it impossible not to get hung up on all the great and wondrous things my peers are doing. It wont let me just be happy for others, but instead reminds me of what a useless failure I am.

Will that ever stop??

One of the things about writing a blog that's a bit annoying is how much I repeat myself! How many times do I write the same old paragraphs, over and over again... I also get really paranoid that people might think I'm just doing it for attention, or that I'm searching for someone to come along and give me a confidence boost. If you do think that. Then you're wrong. Very wrong.I know, that ultimately, it is only through the right medication, through counselling, and perhaps a whole lot of time, that I will hopefully get better. So, just for the record, I needed to put that out there...And obviously, the amazing love and support from friends and family (and even people I don't know) help a massive amount too!

Hmm went off track a little bit there....Where was I? Oh yes..I remember...

Even when I was younger I always wished I had a talent, something that I knew I was good at. A gift that I loved doing, and that could help others with and even maybe earn a living out of.

I can't imagine ever finding that.

But I really really really (that's three really's for you) hope I will be able to find that gift one day. Even if its just being a person who is great at making a cup of tea (although, as I don't drink tea, I doubt I will ever perfect that art) or maybe giving great hugs. Thats a good one actually. I could work on that.

Hugs for everyone!

Start the queue please....

xx

Saturday, 1 October 2011

susie scrooge rules the roost

Urgh.

Being back from holiday has reminded me just how much I hate Saturday nights!

Especially when the sun is shining and everyone is enjoying a BBQ and a beer with friends.

Curses.

Double curses.

Triple curses!

And yes, I know I'm being a grumpy old scrooge bag.

But I feel shitty and lonely and quite frankly, I'm fed up of feeling like this.

ARGH.

xx