Saturday, 30 April 2011

my scary tooth and other tales....

Lots of stuff whizzing round my little head this evening...

Here's a list for you...

1. I'm thinking that I'm so bored,fed up, frustrated with my own thoughts...

Do you ever have that feeling when you go on a really long train journey and you've forgotten your ipod and you don't have a book and you have no signal on your phone. Its just you and your thoughts. For 3 hours. All the people around you are enjoying music, snacks, fantastic conversation. And you are bored out of your mind. It raining outside so you can't even check out the scenery. You think about striking up a conversation with someone around you but everyone seems to be avoiding your eye. They look kind of smug. They know you need a distraction. Their ipod has full battery. And they're enjoying today's paper and heat magazine. Greedy bastards. You sit and stare at them willing them to finish the paper, just so you can have something else to think about (even though you've been reading it over their shoulder for the past half hour.) And just when they finish the last page, they get off the train. Typical! There isn't even any attractive people for you to ogle at. Just more boringly normal average passengers. Urgh.

And so you finally have to succumb to the fact that it really is just you and your thoughts for the next few hours...Alternatively you can go to sleep, hurrah.

Anyway that's how I feel. Except my train journey is never ending and I have no idea where its going...!

2. One of my front teeth feels weird. I have a reoccurring nightmares about all my teeth falling out. Its so freakishly scary. I cant stop thinking about it! I don't even want to touch it just in case I push too hard and it falls out.

3. This list may be shorter than I had anticipated.


Friday, 29 April 2011

A right royal distraction

It was good to have a distraction today. And I don't think you can get a distraction that's any bigger than a Royal Wedding....

Whenever I visit a new country, after a couple of days, I nearly always wish I was that nationality. That doesn't sound like it makes sense... Not very well written.... What I mean is, when I was in Ireland I wished I was Irish, when I'm in France I want to be French, just so I can talk all sexy and cool. When I was in America I became so immersed in the culture I would start singing Star Spangled Banner and referred to the toilet as the bathroom....trrrruee story...!

Wherever I am, I always have nationality envy. I always see other countries as being so much more interesting than ours, so much more exciting. Britain just seems so sensible. Our language is sensible, our shoes are sensible (well not mine personally) and our weather is boringly sensible. Not that I'm hoping for a tornado tonight. Its just never really hot. Or really cold. And Britain is pretty small. Titchy really. We don't have deserts. Or rainforest's. Or huge mountains. Everything is pretty average. Pretty normal. And compared to other nationalities I think we are averagely boringly sensible.


Today was an exception to my rule. Today I was pretty pleased to be British. Yes I waved my flag. Yes I was drinking champers at 11am on a Friday. Hurrah. I also somehow ended up wearing a hideous 1980's wedding dress complete with veil, to add to the sheer momentous occasion. And I was proud to be British. Today we were the nation that ever other country envied (apart from Princess Beatrice and Eugine, oh heaven help their dress sense, someone send them a stylist please!) We weren't just averagely boringly sensible. We were exciting. Oh yes we were... And apart from all that...I have actually met the Queen herself (not a lookalike and not just the waxwork at Madame Tussads....the real live breathing, handbag clutching, crown wearing Queenie..!) I have curtsied to HRH Queen Liz and touched the royal hand (and she also grasped mine too, lucky her..)

And now I have had my fill. Enough wedding talk for today. I have run out of wit. I am sleepy yet restless (again...urgh so frustrating...)


Thursday, 28 April 2011


Very thankful that I had a lovely visitor and a walk today, because this day seems to have gone on forever. So long. I can't stop clock watching. I'm not even waiting for anything to happen! Irritating. Irksome. Frustrating. I've been awake since 5 this morning (apart from a little mid morning nap) and I can't believe I have an entire evening to get through before I can crawl into bed again.

So tired. So restless. I want to run around the garden and scream and shout but at the same time I just want to lay down in the grass and sleep forever. My mind is constantly whirring. I tried to do some organising/tidying earlier, thought it may help get rid of some of my restlessness. It didn't. I just felt overwhelmed.

I just feel like I'm existing. Not living. Just surviving.

Totally useless. A waste.

A totally useless waste


Wednesday, 27 April 2011


Hmm. What to write. What to write.

Nothing maybe.

What day is it?

I have no idea.


Wrapped in a blanket, covered in goosebumps.


Was tempted to buy a million grey cardigans today. But instead went for bright pink and orange (not together, and not in cardigan form, just for clarification...) When I go shopping I just want to buy trackies and hoodies and comfy stuff. And I want it all to be grey. So I battled with myself. Resisted the urge. Well, I did buy one grey t-shirt...But its dark grey, and it has white writing on it. And it fits. And it will be very useful. And it was a bargain. So really, I think I can make an exception to the grey rule.

Humph. Boring myself now.

I wish my foot would stop tapping. Argh.


Tuesday, 26 April 2011

A trip down memory lane

Ooooo I'm scared. Have just uploaded some very old and very amusing photos onto facebook. Some of them are 10 years old now....Back in the days of hanging out at the park...going to too many parties...and generally having a blaady good time. I have just texted a couple of lovely ladies to pre-warn them, and got a reply saying "Why why why?" To which I replied, "Because I love a trip down memory lane..."

Ahh! Yikes. I look hideous. We all look hideous. But you know, its kind of funny.

I mean I still have my nose stud, but I used to wear a ring in my nose! What was that about? And the hugely baggy jeans that kept falling down flashing my pants to everyone. And the giant DC or Etnies trainers, that were also constantly flopping off my feet because it was too uncool to have them laced up. Oh yeah. Not forgetting the rucksack (I always lusted after an Eastpak bag but never got my wish..) which you had to wear on both shoulders. Then was the slightly strange hairstyles...boys tended to go for lots of gel, and spikes. Girls, well, speaking purely for myself, my hair was just a little bit wild really. I loved having these kind of messy Princess Layla style buns. I'm not sure I really pulled it off. And then was the jewellery. I vividly remember it all always taking me twice as long as anyone else to get ready for P.E because of the amount of bracelets I wore. Seriously, I don't know how they didn't weigh me down. Practically speaking I'm sure they held me back. But I loved them, and I would not desist!

And I really shouldn't forget the hoodies. God bless the hoodies. Man, I had so many. They were never the right size of course. Oh no. That was not the look. They had to be over sized. Considering I'm quite a little lady (164 cm to be precise...) I always always used to buy size large. I was swamped in fabric. I was wearing jeans that you could probably fit another person down, and a jumper that also you could probably fit another person in...! I remember my personal favourite had the slogan 'I must not chase boys' written on it about 20 times. Ah. The wit. I still have it actually. And it still comes down to my knees.

Will finish this after tea xxxxx

Had my tea. Cant think of anything else to write really... Had a bad headache all day and feel so knackered and drained. Also worrying that maybe I think too much about the past instead of realising whats going on in the present. Urgh. Nah. Don't want to slip down that slope...

Just remember, laugh and enjoy Sooz.....


Monday, 25 April 2011

Sitting comfortably? Now you're not...!

Having trouble finding exactly the right words tonight. There is something pressing on my mind that I know I need to write about. And I know needs talking about. But its tricky. Its awkward. Its uncomfortable. It makes me sound nuts. However, this blog has been a part of my recovery, a small step in my progress and I need this to be part of it too....

So I will quit messing around. Wittering on. And just get to the point....


Its a word that is rarely spoken. As I said  a couple of weeks ago there are certain words that become more scary because we say them less. Medical people like the term 'at risk' or 'in danger'. Whatever the words are, they are a part of my mind, a part of my illness that I get so tired of.

Even with my medication increases, my ongoing counselling, my little steps of progress that I know I have made, those suicidal thoughts never go away. They may take a little nap, a rest, a mini-break away, but I know they will come back. It is a battle. An ongoing fight. I have become so used to them, they have been a part of my mind now for longer than I want to realise. And I know that talking about it might make people feel a little odd, or they might think I'm crazy or something, but really, I don't care. I want other people to know that they are not alone. That you can get help. That its OK. That these thoughts are part of an illness. It is not your normal rational well part of your mind. Its poorly. The messages have got muddled up. Things that seem entirely logical and reasonable, and the only answer, actually probably aren't.

Last night I was chatting to my lovely sister and I kind of mentioned off the cuff that I still have suicidal thoughts, plans....etc etc. She is a very wise old bird and the most wonderful sister, and asked whether I had told the rentals recently how I'd been feeling. To which I admitted that I hadn't. Yes I had a conversation with them back in February, and they knew about the suicidal stuff then. But I kind of didn't want to mention it again. I felt like I had been doing so well. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me.

However, it was with her encouragement and hand holding that I went downstairs and updated them. I had to ask my sister several times why I had to tell them. And she explained to me it not only for my own safety, but also so I was giving them the whole and honest picture of how I was feeling.

I didn't want to make a drama or a big deal out of it. It is what it is. I hope a day will come when it will pass. But I can't really imagine that right now. I definitely have parts of days when I don't think about it. Which is progress indeed.

So that's it really for tonight. All this has been buzzing around in my head all day, it feels like such a release to write it down. Or type it out..whatever!

Big love

Sunday, 24 April 2011

I may have.......

Just been dancing around the kitchen. Wahey. The tune of choice...... good old JLO. I'm not ashamed to admit this song makes me shake my booty. YES! Back it up like a tonka truck.....(seriously what is a tonka truck? Possibly the most catchy/confusing lyric ever..)London to Ibiza....Vegas to Afrikkkaaa.....

I may have consumed a couple of glasses of the sparkly stuff...

And I may have lost twice at croquet.....

And I may have been forced by my nephew to wear bunny ears all afternoon....

And I may have had a minor panic attack this morning....but I also may have managed to take control, lay on my bedroom floor, listen to some relaxing music and take things real slow........


Saturday, 23 April 2011

'Allo Vera

Just sitting here and thinking about how maybe there are a few advantages to hot sunny weather....As I have been so anti-sunshine recently....

The first (and actually the main one really) is that when the sun is shining it is suddenly acceptable to lie down all afternoon and nap. Yes. This is my kind of thinking... I like it. Bring on the napping. Love my sunbed. And it makes me think why couldn't of just got it out in the cold weather? These past couple of months I have been missing a trick. Yes I would of had to wear about twenty million layers, plus blankets. But I would be outside, and it would be deemed acceptable...wouldn't it? Hmm maybe not. I think I'm forgetting about the word sun in sunbed. Ah well. I'm sure the another genius idea is waiting round the corner for me....

And now I have managed to completely distract myself and I cant remember any other advantages to sunny weather.


Oh wait... Yes. I remember. Smells. That's what else I like about this weather. The smells it creates. Because after being in the garden all afternoon I've  covered myself in Aloe. And the smell just takes me back to America.

Straight away I'm back in Virginia, the first weekend of my 3 month trip when I horrendously burnt my knees. Oh the shame. And my little bottle of aftersun just wasn't going to cut the mustard. I needed something cooling and healing asap. So a lovely person whisked me away to Target (translation, kind of like Wilkinson's, but bigger, more exciting and they have a popcorn cafe thing, wow) and pointed me in the right direction.

What was this mysterious lotion called Aloe I wondered. The only Aloe I'd ever heard of was something to make my washing powder smell nice. And of course the funny little 'allo vera' bird off the telly.

Anyway my point is....I was hooked. Aloe and me have been best buds ever since. I love the bright fluorescent green colour. I love the way it looks like jelly. I love how smooth and cool it makes my skin. I love the smell. And most importantly, I love the memories.

All that from a bottle of moisturiser.

Weird? Yes. Random? Completely. But excellent work that I'm finding something to distract myself from black dog? Yes indeedy!


Friday, 22 April 2011

I'll think of a title later

is it too early to write today's entry?

this day has gone on forever.

I woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning again last night and I was wide awake. Not even a little bit sleepy. Eyes were a-popping. Toes were a-tapping. Mind was a-spinning. Had a polo and read some of my book.

So I de-camped my duvet to my bedroom floor this morning and accidentally caught up on some sleep whilst listening to some hardcore dance music at maximum volume. I thought it would keep my peepers open. Turns out..nothing can stop me from napping!

Why can't I sleep at night and be awake in the day? Yesterday I fell asleep whilst sitting at my desk...Curses.

Feeling restless..anxious...a little bit dog won't bugger off today


Thursday, 21 April 2011

Twisting my melon man

Had to write this down quickly before the hilarity of it all faded away.... crazy 2 year old nephew Joshua is here at the moment. And one of his favourite past-times that I can fully participate in is dancing. He loves marching around the living room, spinning in a circle, and generally flinging himself all over the shop. His usual taste of music is Balamory, the Smurfs, wheels on the bus kind of jazz....but today I decided to introduce him to something new. Something different. Something altogether more refined...

I was very kindly given a truly mind blowing album at the weekend from my lovely girl friends, 100 hits of the 90's. Words cannot express just how fabulous the music is. Gina G, MN8, Cleopatra, Mark Morrison,to name just a few musical genius's (genie-i.. hmm not sure)....Anyway... also the Happy Mondays singing Step On. To which little Joshua has become very fond of. And I have accidentally on purpose taught him the words. So all day he has been saying "You're twisting my melon mannnnn!!"

Oh its so funny.

I think he would be an instant YouTube hit... (may explore this....)

All through mouthfuls of bolognase at dinner he kept on looking at me and saying, "Yourrtwistingmmmeymelonnman" (whilst covering me in tomato)

He also does a great impression of Austin Powers, which again, I accidentally on purpose taught him. He can't stop saying, "Grooovy babyyyyy!"

And I can't stop laughing at him. Which makes him do it more....Making me laugh more...

Which is excellent news. Although my family are probably cursing themselves for leaving him alone with me...Whilst being slightly worried about what cool Auntie Susie might teach him next......


Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Sexy yellow jumpers

Just had mild anxiety overload as we were going to be eating tea outside. I still find eating such an effort. And at the moment lovely sis is here and crazy Joshua. So the house is a bit more nutty than usual. Overwhelmed with the urge to tidy and clean 24/7. Trying to resist. But anyway I didn't know we were having tea outside, so I started...poked around with my food. But it was too much. I needed my seat. My seat in the kitchen that no-one else is allowed to sit at. Ha. I gravitated back to my safe place, and finished most of my meal. It sounds such ridiculous behaviour when I sit down and write about it! I think I probably would have been OK to eat outside on a whim if I had decided it. Or if I was prepared in advance. Or if I hadn't had such a busy/noisy/Joshua filled craziness afternoon. Its about those small steps. And remembering my limits. Protecting myself and being in control...although I know I cant do that forever..yikes...

Very frustrating...! Cleaned the kitchen after tea though, which felt satisfying. And lowered the anxieties levels. Bonus.

Second day running that the bikini has made an appearance. In England. In the garden. In April. Wow. Shocking behaviour. And I went in the paddling pool. Wowzas. I still haven't opened my blinds in my room though, I've not gone all out embracing the sunshine yet. But a definite improvement.

Got quite a lot of thoughts buzzing around my head....

Oh no wait... blog momentarily interrupted because my darling dog has crapped on the carpet. Classic.


P.S went for a walk this afternoon...this was on repeat on my ipod...  simon and garfunkel, sound of silence..... (loving the sexy yellow jumpers...)

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

boring myself..yuk

Just been trying to finish a painting I started yesterday. Its all gone wrong though and I don't like it. Very tempted to pour white paint all over and throw it away. Ooo that would be satisfying.

Tired. Yawn. Itchy eyes.

Woke up at 3 am last night with my light on and without having brushed my teeth or taken my make up off. Little bit gross. And very disorientating. Especially as I always have to wear an eye mask at night to block out the light. I really must of been cream crackered. Not really sure why I'm writing that....Maybe because it was a first. To fall asleep with the light on. Oh wow this is so boring what am I talking about...?

Thought writing might help me tonight. But its not.

Need space. Need air. Need a break.



Monday, 18 April 2011

18th April 2011

So maybe the unmentionable will get a mention...tried to keep this day on the down low, but hey ho its nearly over now... (still confused? Erm how can I put this.... its a b kind of a day...apparently.)

Another year gone, wasted, failed.


Another year I have survived.

Another year I have fought through.

The date has arrived that I couldn't imagine reaching.

Maybe its not about what you have achieved. Maybe its about the journey you are on, and the person you will become.

This time last year I had a boyfriend, was contemplating marriage, and I was working full time. I thought everything was sorted. I considered my boxes ticked. And I was awaiting the happiness drug to kick in. But it didn't. Because deep down, scratching away at the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. A nagging feeling. A constant itch. A big knot that you can never get out of your hair. A pimple that just keeps getting bigger no matter how much cover-up you use on it. I felt like I should be happy. That the pieces to my jigsaw should be complete. Even though if I really opened my eyes, I could see a massive big hole missing in the middle.

I had completely lost myself. So many mixed messages had been poured over me. Drowned me. Trying to mould me into something else. Something un-Susie like. And I didn't have the strength to resist. The black dog had taken up residence. I had to break out, and I had to get help. I was so tired of being consumed by feelings of failure and suicide.

When I look back on the particularly on the last year some of my erratic behaviour suddenly makes sense. I was so paranoid, so confused, so frustrated with myself, it was a relief to get a medical diagnosis.

And so again Susie is wittering away...repeating herself...without really knowing what her point is...

I think I just want to remember that life never stays the same. Its not as constant as we sometimes think. It flows like the sea, rising and falling with the waves. When darkness is never-ending, all consuming, you cant even imagine or contemplate that a little chink of light will break through.

But it does.

And it will.

I am living proof.

Like many other people who have also seen a glimmer.

I'm often so frustrated with my progress and so angry with myself, but really, when I sit back and think about the things I can do now compared to 3 months ago, I have taken some huge whopping great giant steps...

  1. I went to Wales
  2. I sat and had dinner with my family every night whilst we were away
  3. I rode a horse
  4. I cooked Christmas dinner (how on earth, I have no idea, drug induced state maybe?!)
  5. I have found coping mechanisms, writing, painting, walking, running, spinning, knitting
  6. I have rediscovered buses
  7. I went to London!
  8. On the train!
  9. And the tube!
  10. I am writing this list, which is a bit of a miracle in itself to be honest
  11. I have been left on my own, and I was OK
  12. I have busted some crazy dance moves with my nephew
  13. I have laughed (sometimes uncontrollably)
  14. I have got out of bed
  15. I have put different clothes on when all I want to wear is my pyjamas and pink dressing gown
And yes now the black dog is woofing at me and saying, " But you still cant do still cant do that...ha ha ha ha you failure. You're rubbish. People do these things every day, whats so special about you? Why should you get a pat on the back?"

Well actually black dog, I'm not asking for a pat on the back. I don't want a well done. I'm here. I'm not acting anymore. This is it. This is me.


Sunday, 17 April 2011


Diet coke and oreos. God bless the clever people that invented them, crafted them, and put them in my cupboard.

My mind is full of an unmentionable day. But its kind of difficult to write about it because I've decided that its unmentionable and it is going to be ignored. I think I'm kind of kicking myself in the arse by even writing that its unmentionable. Because then I have made the unmentionable mentionable. As this blog is supposed to be a direct link to the crazy workings of my mind, I feel like I have to mention the unmentionable. Confused? Good.

Don't mention it...


Last night

Well if three lovely ladies hadn't stopped me, then this would have been written at approximate midnight last night. And thank goodness they did.....Because I think it would of gone something like this....

ooooerrr cant see the screen properly. have to keep one eye closed in orderrr totne tipe. i mean tyyyowpe. wow i look like a pirate. oooops sooo manyb speelling mistalekdmss. maybve i shoujolnt be wreiting this. tryin g hard not to spill wine on computer. it has takenm me half an hour to write this muchh. i'm going to stop. whooops. whereds my phone? oh nooo did i locjk the front dooor? love fran. love laura. love ruth. so funny. facemasks hilariouss. raccially inappropritate. did we win taboo? Yes! paper snowa ghost! oh dear. ha ha ha. the enddd. xxxxx

Lesson learnt...remember that your medication has been increased and drinking copious amounts will result in headache. ouch. you're only a little person Susie. Whoops.

Totally worth it though... and  black dog was under control. hurrah


Friday, 15 April 2011

Lemon chicken and excitement

Just eaten a whole plate of lemon chicken. Not really sure how healthy that is. Can I count the lemon sauce as one of my five a day? The good news is that I'm eating more...the bad news is I'm such a fussy little lady that I'm only munching on  the things I like....(but who really goes around eating things they hate? hmm this point I could make a list of all the food I think tastes like feet but really, in retrospect I don't think it would be terribly interesting, and would result in a feeling of nausea, both for me, and you...) I'm sat here with a feeling of excitement surrounding me. It doesn't happen very often. Actually I cant really remember the last time I felt this excited. Mind you, I cant really remember what happened yesterday so that's not really substantial evidence.....But this is definitely a time for excitement. And hope. Yes indeed because this afternoon my favourite couple in the whole world (apart from Kermie and Miss Piggy) popped in to see me and not only that but this evening I have my three lovely bestest girls coming to see me for the weekend.....hurrah! A little bit of a milestone I think.

The cupboard is stocked....the wine is chilled (well it will be when I put it in the fridge...)...the trashy magazines are ready and are my hundreds of nail polishes and interesting new facemasks (chocolate fudge detox anyone?)...

I cant wait......


(p.s I want to say that this feels like a bit of normality in my crazy life...but that would be completely wrong considering how nuts the girls are! hahaha) big love xxxxxxx

Thursday, 14 April 2011

ouch headache





ipod on...

sunnies on...


don't get overwhelmed Susie...


you did it... excellent work

mmm diet coke...

anxiety overdrive this week...

tick tick ticking things off your list though...

nap on the sofa...



clean clean clean...then

dust dust dust...


nap on the carpet...

headache back...

feel a little sick...

run later...


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Thank you

Here are some vital statistics for you...

Since 1st February 2011  this blog has had 5851 pageviews.

I have written 70 blog posts.

Yesterday the blog had 83 pageviews.

My profile has had 298 views.

In terms of who is reading this accross the world...

5250 UK pageviews
189 USA pageviews
111 CANADA pageviews
55 THAILAND pageviews
30 NEW ZEALAND pageviews
23 FRANCE pageviews
123 PORTUGAL pageviews
21 AUSTRALIA pageviews
9 DENMARK pageviews
7 IRELAND pageviews
6 HUNGARY pageviews

Now maths has never been my strong point. Most of the time was spent chatting, leaning back on chairs, throwing rubbish down peoples trousers (don't ask, but when I think about it now, very mean) and generally procrastinating. But I think with my little calculator next to me I have worked out that 83.5 (I don't want to disregard that extra 0.5..) people view my blog every day. Which is quite a lot. More than I realised. So a round of applause to all. Go on, give yourself a pat on the back. Because quite honestly, you deserve it for sticking with this wittering load of dribble for the past couple of months.

And more than that, you have stuck by me. Which is something that can't really be expressed in words.... to try and tell you all how much your support and friendship means to me. I wouldn't be here without you. You have given me hope, laughter, tasty snacks, surprises in the post, hugs, phone calls, texts, emails and love. I'm not really sure why you crazy cats!

People I haven't spoken to for ages have popped up and given me a boost. People that I have known for ages, have been by my side, every single tiny step of the way, and I owe you everything. People I haven't even met have made me smile. I know I sound even more cheesy than yesterday but on this shitty journey of depression I have discovered what real love is, and what true friendship is. Its not just having a laugh together, or telling someone you love them, that's super duper easy. Its about making choices, going out of your way for someone. Acting in a way that shows you love them. Being there when things are horrible, scary, and out of control and not judging. Listening, understanding, and accepting.

When I first started writing this I said that 1 in 4 people will suffer from some sort of depression in their lifetime. I don't think I realised the true impact of that statistic. Its massive. Huge. I feel so privileged that people have been able to share their stories with me, and its made a real difference. Knowing that you're not the only one out there, that you're not going mad, that its OK, and at some point things will change and you will get better. I also should probably apologise if I still haven't written back to you, no other excuse other than it takes quite a lot of energy and I promise I will...honestly.

So a massive THANK YOU, a huge shout out to one and all for sticking by me and giving me HOPE


Tuesday, 12 April 2011

contains cheese (unsuitable for those on dairy-free diet)

Just been having a look at tattoo designs. Excitement.... Defo 100% think I'm probably going to go for it...hmm. We shall see. The plan is to have the word 'Hope' written on my right hand wrist. I'm thinking fairly small, just kind of about an inch long. But I don't know exactly where on my wrist to have it. I'm not having it on the scary veiny bony bit because I cant even touch that bit of my arm, so it needs to be a little further up. Not too high though. Because if I hate it, I want to be able to hide it. Equally the whole point in having it is so I can see it all the time, so I don't want it on the complete underside of my wrist. Then I've got to think about what font to have it written in...Because theres only like a thousand million out there. Shouldn't take me too long...pah! Ooo decisions. Tricky. Not a fan of decisions. But these are all positive so I guess its OK.  Advice/suggestions welcome....

Its kind of funny (not funny hilarious, funny weird..) because I never thought I would want a tattoo. Firstly because I have a ridiculously low pain threshold. I don't even like it if someone else brushes my hair it hurts so much! Ouch. And I'm not the biggest fan of needles either. And I always thought if I did have one it would be in a secret little place, that wasn't exposed all the time. Like my rib or inside my ear. Ha. No that's a joke. I just realised when I wrote that it sounded a little bit like I would have a tattoo on my bum or something. Which I wouldn't. Because lets be honest with this new skirt, my bum is exposed all the time... Oh dear..making myself laugh but not making any sense now...!

Anyway...I'm just so scared that I will forget that hope is out there. I don't want to forget. But when black dog takes over and you're consumed by darkness, hope sounds like an alien concept. So I thought I could either write it all over my bedroom wall or have it tattooed on my wrist. And as I hope I'm going to continue getting better and spend less time in my room, the wrist seemed like a sensible option...
Its back to that classic Susie Mantra...

Hope can often hide but always be found.

How cheesy am I being today? Yuk making myself feel a little bit sick to be honest....Must go before I start spouting out more cheesiness....(and I'm allergic to dairy, you'd think I'd know better...!)


Monday, 11 April 2011

Au revoir shoes

Well. What can I say. Can words possibly explain such a sad and devastating experience such as this...

I had to return the shoes.

That's right, the super sexy gorgeous I love you Susie shoes. I only wore them round the house one night and they gave me a huge blister on my stubby little toe. I would swear and curse and them, but they were just too beautiful. I did however swear and curse at my little fat hooves. I hate my feet. grrr. So it was with sadness and regret that we parted ways. I thought about keeping them and maybe housing them in a little glass box just so I could admire them and maybe stroke them once in a while. But no, it would be too much temptation. Back they went. Bye bye shoes.

The day the super sexy gorgeous I love you Susie shoes and I met, I did however, make another purchase. And this one I have held onto. Not only that, I have actually worn it several times. Wahey.

Now the item in question is a denim skirt from Zara. Cuteness. Classic. Comfy yet cool. Yet the only slight problem is that because I either live in trackies or jeans, I just feel a little exposed. And I cant help feeling that my arse is permanently on show. So I have to keep checking that I'm not flashing my pants to the world. Which frankly, becomes a little tiring. I'm hoping I will come to terms with the shortness of the skirt soon, and maybe it just feels short because I haven't worn one for ages. Or maybe I'm just getting old and grannyish...nooooo!

The last 3 days I have worn the same jeans, and my favourite comforting grey zippie hoodie thing (which my Mum wants to burn...) But today I actually wore my new little skirt, put some slap on my face (still using the eyedew dazzling eye drops, well recommended) and attempted to tame my crazy hair. Success. And it actually managed to ease the blow of saying Au revoir to those beautiful super sexy gorgeous I love you Susie shoes......


Sunday, 10 April 2011

I will hold on hope

Rediscovered this song today. I listened to it loads in February, not so much last month. But I put it on again today, and the words just seem to say it all....

The Cave, Mumford and Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again


Saturday, 9 April 2011

Self inflicted laughter

The computer just deleted my two paragraphs of blogging. ARRRRGH. why why why... I hate computers...this has literally happened like a million times. GGGGGGGGRRRRR. rage.
Right...back to what I was jabbering on about......

I've had a crappy couple of days. Black dog wont bugger off. My doctor increased my medication on Monday, but it doesn't seem to be working really.

Still not a fan of the sunshine. Well that's putting it  mild really. And actually I'm freezing. I've got 2 jumpers on and my winter cosy slippers and I'm still cold. Haven't opened the blinds in my bedroom all day. Don't want to see the world.

Hmm ironic... I just rewrote one of those paragraphs...and have proceeded to delete it.

Whats the point, lets stop writing.

Urgh this is seriously not helping tonight. Come on Susie try and think of something that will make you chuckle, just for a second.....

Oh we go.....

I was in the little old red car earlier, loving the fact that its so retro and still has a tape player....(Does anyone else have one? Actually we have one in our car and four in our house....maybe we're just ultimate retro, or does that equate to old fashioned?) Anyway I discovered a great cassette. In fact its the first album I ever owned. I got it for Christmas in 1992, when I was a little cheeky munchkin aged 6. What fantastic musical taste I had at such an early age. Don't ask me where on earth I found out about this band. But I specifically remember asking my confused Grandma for it for Christmas. An album that still gets me dancing round my bedroom doing lots of crazy dance moves and singing at the top of my voice.

Yeah it might be a little cheesy. But I love them. You cant beat a bit of Phil Collins with the indestructible Genesis!

And this song was my favourite.... Invisible touch....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

And now I am going to crap all over the lyrics.....with love and affection of course. Because after all, no matter how weird the lyrics are..its a blaady brilliant song!

Well I've been waiting, waiting here so long (why why are you still waiting? She must be something special)
But thinking nothing, nothing could go wrong (don't speak too soon), ooh now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
(greedy bitch)
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her.

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah (literally I never could hear what he was singing on this bit, I always used to be like 'aninvissshibletochyaaa')She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart (ouch that must of been painful)
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
(again more pain, Phil is getting ripped to pieces here)

Well I don't really know her, I only know her name (slightly creepy, does she know who you are Phil, does she?!)
But she crawls under your skin, you're never quite the same, (this line always seemed so literal in my mind, and so gross, and again, painful) and now I know
She's got something you just can't trust
It's something mysterious
(or creepy, but maybe mysterious sounds less mean..)
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah (is she completely invisible I wonder at this point...or is it just her touch?)
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart (ooo more pain)
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah (hmm I think it must just be her touch that's invisible...Hang on a minute...all touches are invisible...aren't they...?)
It takes control and slowly tears you apart. (is she doing this finger by finger?)

She don't like losing, to her it's still a game (I'm sure she's winning Phil)
And though she will mess up your life, (but you're still willing to go ahead with this?)
You'll want her just the same, (Yes yes you are, that answers my question then) and now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
(but you obviously don't you go girlfriend!)
And now it seems I've fallen, fallen for her. (aka... under...the......thumb)

Oh Susie. Well done. You managed to make yourself laugh


Friday, 8 April 2011

Susie Scrooge

Been staring out of my bedroom for the last hour trying to figure out whats going on in my head today. So I thought I may as well start blogging, and maybe some answers will be found...(probably not, but worth a try, and the view of the builders opposite was losing its appeal plus I think I may have been scaring them slightly!)

I guess I'm just feeling so frustrated and so fed up of being this cursed black dog and the anxiety. I feel like I'm in this horrible limbo land. Not part of the real world. Just in some weird little illness bubble. And I hate it! I miss so much stuff. Normal things that I never thought would bother me. Sometimes I feel like I've just disappeared off the face of the earth. Most of the time I wish I could.

This season changing thing is really getting on my nerves too. I feel like such a scrooge but I'm really not a fan of all this life erupting all over the place. Daffodils, baby things, green leaves, birds chirp chirp chirping all flippin day long, seriously doing my head in. My mind is dark, and no amount of sunshine or cheeriness is going to change that. Bring back winter please. I think its just another reminder that time is ticking, summer is coming, everyone else's lives are moving on, and I'm here. Stuck somewhere, existing.

Oh dear,I sound like such a moaning minnie. But that's another annoying thing. You know if you have the flu or a cut on your arm or something? I am usually little miss dramatic and have no problem with feeling extremely sorry for myself and soaking up as much sympathy as possible. I cant do that with this depression stuff. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel annoyed. I never think, 'Oh poor me, this is a really shitty thing to got through' I'm much more likely to think 'Susie, this is your own fault, you've brought this on yourself'. And much as I know in my logical mind that depression and anxiety are an illness, that's why I'm on medication, somehow those facts just don't seem to stay in that little brain of mine. I should probably go upstairs and read some of my mantras.

This is one long lot of moaning and negativity tonight....

Ah well


Thursday, 7 April 2011


early morning...


coco pops...


eating a little more these days....



sat in the hot sun...not bothered about the brightness...just like not being cold for once...


tip tap tip tap

foot won't stop moving



lets chop chop chop...



hate all clothes....

hate hair.....

for gods sake susie its only the local...get a grip woman...!

oh who the hell cares...


Wednesday, 6 April 2011

I can't think of a title (again)

Argh just ripped my nail and now its bleeding so trying my best not to get blood all over the keyboard. Nuts.

My nails look officially awful at the mo. Over the past couple of months I have got quite into painting them, a little bit of pleasure gained by looking at an exciting colour... But now they are so weak, feeble and insanely brittle! I cant really see the point in doing them now. They will just look like little girls nails when they first discover nail polish and its all messy and their fingers are tiny. I don't want to go there again. Gross.

Sleepy Sooz again this evening. Had mass clear out of bedroom this morning. Thought I was getting rid of 6 years of crap...more like 24 years...! The thing that's really annoying is that you think, why on earth did I hold onto this ragged old friendship bracelet circa 1994? It should of been in the bin years ago! Found a couple of gems...particularly my old homework diaries..although I think more letter writing and boy fancying was jotted down rather than schoolwork...

Left to my own devices I would of had an afternoon of curling up in a ball. But Mama persuaded me to get some fresh air...And then something slightly amusing happened. Been trying to write it but it just doesn't seem as funny anymore. I'm tired. I need to lie down. Ugh. Yuk. Bugger off black dog.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Short and sweet

After my epic essay last night. I think today's blog is going to be short and sweet (just like me...haha..)

Feeling pretty sleepy. But restless too. Its such an annoying combination. Went for my third run of the week last night. Wowzas. Yes I may only go for 6 mins 28 seconds. But that's 6 more minutes than I used to! So defo going to do that again tonight. May even go a little further. Ooo that would be a challenge. 6 mins and 35 seconds...!

Managed to sneak into a very empty cinema this afternoon. Its can often make my anxiety worse....that feeling that I'm stuck in there and can't get out, and will interrupt everyone if I get up. But I think there were only about 5 other people in the screen. No strange/smelly/noisy people sitting next to me or near was all good. I even managed to stash my blanket in my bag so I could wrap myself up all cosy and warm....And the real bonus was that Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell seriously took my mind off everything for 2 hours. That's an accomplishment that can only be achieved by great acting (and gorgeously hot bodies....!)


Monday, 4 April 2011


Today's blog was written (well scribbled) at about 1 in the morning last night. I'm not sure if it makes any sense...but just had to get it out of my brain and onto

I spoke to a friend last night. After a while he said,

"When I read your blog earlier today it was as if you were standing on the edge of a cliff. But speaking to you now, you seem OK. Back to normal Sooz. Its as if you have two different parts of you."

My instant reaction was to say it feels good to have a break from my crazy brain! And a distraction from the darkness that had surrounded me all day. And he makes me laugh (although as he so rightly pointed out, I'm mostly laughing at him, not with him....)

But when I considered things for a little while longer I said,

"Well, I don't want to burden you with all my crap or make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes turning my illness into a comedy routine is the easiest answer."

And that is by no means any reflection on him as a friend. So many people have been so great at listening to me and most importantly not freaking out when I tell them about my strange little ways. This kind of guilt that I have, this worry I'm going to burden people has somehow been created in my mind. Its strange because, its like a switch has been flipped the wrong way in my brain. Or alternatively, have experiences in my past with friends/relationships/family made this behaviour somehow more prominent. I defo don't have an answer.....I just think its interesting to consider!


The more I began thinking about my depression comedy routine, the more I realised I'm not as open as I would like to think I am. Have I just found another mask to hide behind? Or is this mask a positive one? It certainly makes me more comfortable and it makes others at ease too. And if you can't laugh at yourself then basically you're buggered!

A lot of people have said how brave I am for writing this blog. But I'm really not! I'm just writing, and theres nothing brave about that. Yes, I try and be as honest as possible, but there are still some things I don't talk about.

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. Over the past 6 months I have probably become more honest with myself than I have in my whole life....Blimey I wasn't just fooling myself, but everyone else around me. It was so tiring! Trying to convince everyone that I was OK, that I was happy, that I was sorted. Turns out....I'm a big fat liar! And its such a huge mask to be rid of when you've been playing the part for so long. It was defo a negative mask. Fa shiizzzz.!

Everyday we all put different masks on. But the importance lies as to whether the mask becomes super glued to your face, or can you take it off, change it, mix it up, show all the different interesting sides to your character. I'm thinking superglue is not a good look.

Now all this might possibly be a load of bollocks, and if anyone has read this far, give yourself a pat on the back...because I'm not sure...but I might just be on to something....Its not black and white. Like so many things in life, theres a whole lot of grey.

So I promise I have nearly finished but I just have one more little point that has been buzzing in my head. Its about words. And how there are some words that people don't like saying, and defo don't like hearing. Its like in Harry Potter when everyone calls Voldemort 'he who must not be named'. It actually increases people's fear. So I'm just going to bounce around a few little words right now. They need to be said. And they need to be heard.

mental health




panic attacks



self harm



at risk





Understanding can never be wholly achieved.
But awareness?
And making these words less scary, less taboo?
That's what I really want.



Sunday, 3 April 2011


no energy.


huge black dog.

nothing left, nothing there.

failure....just one word that's ingrained a thousand times over in my mind.


Saturday, 2 April 2011

No wit, just sleep

Never a big fan of Saturdays. Although the baggies won today which is quite remarkable... they seem to be following yesterdays theme of Christmas miracles.

Feel so tired today. My dad popped into my bedroom at about 11 and he found me curled up on my floor, with a blanket over my head. Ha. I was trying to resist getting back into bed. So decided to make my own little nest on the floor. It was quite comfy. And I love nesting up, snuggley blanket thrown over my head is always a winner.

I have a few witty stories up my sleeve that I could share...KFC... fruit salad.... short skirts...going for a shoes+blisters....(seriously when I read this tomorrow I will be thinking what a random combination and those strange little stories may of vanished..) but at this moment in time...I'm not feeling very funny and I'm willing to take that risk!


Friday, 1 April 2011

Christmas miracles

So much stuff in my head tonight.... And here's the real Christmas miracle (don't ask me why its a Christmas themed miracle, I just think it has a nice little ring to it!ha)...pretty much all of it is exciting! Wahhoowooooo!

The first Christmas miracle is that in almost 4 months I have been left on my own for the evening. Now I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to most people. But its a huge whopping great sign for me that's shouting PROGRESS! PROGRESS! And its kind of unbelievable to be honest. I'm at home, on my own, and I feel OK. I never ever thought I would get to this point. I know that writing all this down so honestly might freak people out or think its weird but I am past the point of caring....

I have my strongbow, and my telly viewing for the night, and I'm not freaking out. The black dog is here (he never completely disappears) but he hasn't taken over my whole being, he's just kind of nipping at my ankles. And I can cope with that.

Yes. I really don't want to forget this. And even if the black dog takes over tomorrow or the next day, or even later on this evening, I can remember that at 8 o'clock on Friday 1st April, I was home alone, and I'm not going to do anything silly..........or dangerous....or both........!

Wow that feels so amazing to write down. Its like I've found a little nugget of strength combined with a mouthful of medicine.

My counsellor and I talked yesterday about the Phoenix rising from the ashes, and that has really stayed in my mind as such a powerful image. I don't want to forget that either. Maybe I'll try and paint it....hmmm...

The other slightly exciting thing that happened today was that I bought some shoes. Ahhh shoes. My one true love. And true love lasts a lifetime! Ha. Anyway back to these shoes. That I love. Wow so gorgeous. Killer heels, with a platform, taupe, covered in little studs on the heel. Oh and a bargain. Slightly uncomfortable but who the hell cares. The real dilemma was thinking about when the bloody hell am I ever going to wear them. I don't go out. My life is pretty limited at the moment, as black dog and anxiety kind of have the control on everything. So I considered, should I get them, have them sit in my wardrobe and be a reminder to me of everything I cant do. Or should I get them, wear them round the house and try and aim to wear them out of the house one day (not sure when...I'm just staying vague on this one...!) With a little persuasion and a lot of strutting, I got them. Hurrah. And my little feet are looking pretty super sexy stylish right now.

Hurrah again!