Having trouble finding exactly the right words tonight. There is something pressing on my mind that I know I need to write about. And I know needs talking about. But its tricky. Its awkward. Its uncomfortable. It makes me sound nuts. However, this blog has been a part of my recovery, a small step in my progress and I need this to be part of it too....
So I will quit messing around. Wittering on. And just get to the point....
Its a word that is rarely spoken. As I said a couple of weeks ago there are certain words that become more scary because we say them less. Medical people like the term 'at risk' or 'in danger'. Whatever the words are, they are a part of my mind, a part of my illness that I get so tired of.
Even with my medication increases, my ongoing counselling, my little steps of progress that I know I have made, those suicidal thoughts never go away. They may take a little nap, a rest, a mini-break away, but I know they will come back. It is a battle. An ongoing fight. I have become so used to them, they have been a part of my mind now for longer than I want to realise. And I know that talking about it might make people feel a little odd, or they might think I'm crazy or something, but really, I don't care. I want other people to know that they are not alone. That you can get help. That its OK. That these thoughts are part of an illness. It is not your normal rational well part of your mind. Its poorly. The messages have got muddled up. Things that seem entirely logical and reasonable, and the only answer, actually probably aren't.
Last night I was chatting to my lovely sister and I kind of mentioned off the cuff that I still have suicidal thoughts, plans....etc etc. She is a very wise old bird and the most wonderful sister, and asked whether I had told the rentals recently how I'd been feeling. To which I admitted that I hadn't. Yes I had a conversation with them back in February, and they knew about the suicidal stuff then. But I kind of didn't want to mention it again. I felt like I had been doing so well. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me.
However, it was with her encouragement and hand holding that I went downstairs and updated them. I had to ask my sister several times why I had to tell them. And she explained to me it not only for my own safety, but also so I was giving them the whole and honest picture of how I was feeling.
I didn't want to make a drama or a big deal out of it. It is what it is. I hope a day will come when it will pass. But I can't really imagine that right now. I definitely have parts of days when I don't think about it. Which is progress indeed.
So that's it really for tonight. All this has been buzzing around in my head all day, it feels like such a release to write it down. Or type it out..whatever!