Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Skirting round the edges

Super anxious about tomorrow.

And I wish I could write about what I'm anxious about, but I'm also anxious in case it doesn't work out, so need to keep it on the down low.

So really, there's not much point in writing this, apart from the fact that it stops me from biting all my finger nails off.


When your mind is consumed with bad memories and associations from the past, its so hard to cast them aside and think about the future.

But, if I'm going to move forward, I know I've got to shut the past out. Stop it from haunting me.

Anyway, I've got an hour of wiggling and bum shaking at dance tonight, so hoping it will take my mind of it!


Monday, 29 July 2013

Monday catch up

Feel a little guilty for not updating the old blog for the past few days, but things have been kind of manic.

Here are a few highlights...

  • Mr B and I have booked our first holiday together. Wahoo! Roll on September and the Costa Brava. Just as long as the doctor prescribes me a sedative for the journey, all will be well.

  • I have a new (well, second hand) sofa in my bedroom and no longer a bed. Ooo get me with my fancy upstairs living room. (I now sleep in the spare room.)

  • On Sunday I battled my way through the crowds of the Bristol Harbour Festival. I very nearly cried. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. But, I did it. With the help of Mr B of course. Slightly concerned I may have done some permanent damage to his hand due to me squeezing it so tightly. Whoops.

  • I got caught in what can only be described as a British Hurricane today. A tidal wave of hailstones bore down on me. It was rather scary. Especially when I thought the wind might whip me up and kidnap me forever.

  • I've been taking some big steps. Not literally you understand, my legs haven't grown or anything. However, I'm afraid, dear reader, that I'm keeping them a secret for now...just incases.

Friday, 26 July 2013

60,000 hits and counting!


This little old blog of mine has now had over 60,000 hits.

Thank you so much for continuing to read this crap!

I've had some lovely messages of encouragement recently, which have been perfectly timed, as I do sometimes wonder why I still write this.

But you beautiful people are obviously still reading, and that makes it all worthwhile.

Plus, the benefit of being able to write all my deepest darkest thoughts to a global audience cannot be underestimated.

It helps me to remember that I'm not the only one out there struggling with depression. Because, of course, the nature of the black dog makes you think you're alone and a massive loser.

Anyway, I must be off, a glass of wine and cigarette have my name on them.


Thursday, 25 July 2013

High road and low roads

The black dog has been making me feel particularly rubbish today. Worthless and useless are two words that seem to be playing on repeat, on my internal CD player.

A useless failure.

I knew the black dog had been waiting for me, and today he took his opportunity to pounce. Alone, tired, and a little bit vulnerable, that's always the perfect time for the black dog to get me. Bastard.

But after having a good old chat/moan to Mr B, he told me this:

"How you feel is not who you are."

Wise words Mr B.

Wise words.

I just get so incredibly FRUSTRATED with my brain.

Why oh why do I find life so overwhelmingly difficult?

Some people seem to coast along on the beautiful sunlit highroad, whilst I trip, stumble and fall along the stony overgrown path.

"I'll take the high road, and you take the low road, and I'll be in Scotland before you!"

Was that the song I used to sing as a little girl? When my Dad had helped me climb to the top of a wall and I carefully skipped along, loving being higher than anyone else.

But maybe the high road isn't always the best.

Yes, you might get to Scotland before me, but actually, I'm not that bothered about going.


(Super impressed that I have made myself laugh, whilst making a deep and meaningful connection to a random old song that just seemed to pop in my head...)


Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Trying to unwind

Having problems getting my words out tonight.

After a busy few weeks I think my brain is frazzled, so perhaps that explains it.

I always find it really difficult to unwind after I've had something exciting or busy happen. Or in this case both!

My mind is a bit slow and dopey, rather like Pooh Bear's brain might feel I think.  Full of fluff.

But my body is all springy and restless, a little bit like Tigger. Although I'm not really bouncing anywhere, more of a twitchy bouncy jumpy thing.

Oh I do paint a favourable impression of myself I know.


Feel guilty the minute I sit down to relax, but already bored of the mindless list of tasks that I need to do this week.

Probably scheduling some time for a creative painting session might be a good plan.



Sunday, 21 July 2013

For those of you who are interested, or anyone who fanices reliving the laughter and the tears, here is my speech from yesterday!

"Good afternoon everyone! You’ll be glad to know that mine is almost the last of the speeches. So if you haven’t already, do feel free to have a little nap.

I've decided not to tell any embarrassing stories about Laura because, quite frankly, I’d probably be embarrassing myself too, as I seem to be involved in quite a few of them…So you can stop worrying Laura.

I feel so privileged to be standing here today as maid of honour. Thank you so much for asking me! It really has been an honour, not just to be part of your special day, but also to be part of all the planning…

Laura has many wonderful qualities, and being super organised is one of them. I’m sure you all agree that Laura has done an absolutely spectacular job organising today, remembering all the little details that have made it so special. In the past, we often referred to as our very own ‘Monica’ from Friends. I can remember an occasion when we were teenagers, messing around in her room, when Laura became rather furious when someone put a pen back in the wrong pen pot. Oh the sacrilege.

I don’t think Laura has ever quite forgiven that poor person, as they don’t appear to be here today….So do watch where you’re putting the pens Joe!

I have known Joe and Laura for almost 15 years now.

Joe and I were in the same class at school, and I clearly remember his stylish side parting, and his attachment to his tracksuit bottoms.

The first time I met Laura was at netball practise… Being the new girl, I was immediately asked which position I played. “Wing attack.” I answered nervously. Several voices then shouted at me furiously, “Laura plays Wing attack!!”

 I never played netball again.

 And I wouldn’t imagine at that point, that the scary blonde girl that looked like Rachel Stevens, would become my best friend.

Neither would I guess that she would end up marrying the geeky guy from my class with that weird hairstyle.

I once asked Laura how she knew that Joe was ‘the one’. I vividly remember her answer. She said to me, “He’s my best friend.”

 Well, at first I was rather put out! How dare Joe swoop in and take away my friend. But then she continued, “If I could only speak to one person in the world for the rest of my life, I would pick Joe.”

Well, I guess someone had to pick him, and I thought, it might as well be Laura.

 It was then that I really began to understand that these two had something special going on. A relationship based on friendship, that blossomed into love.

And so Joe, I just want you always to remember that you have got the most amazing friend in Laura.

I would be lost without her, and I know you would too. Quite literally, as you still can’t navigate your way around Manchester.

Laura, I’m so thankful for your unfailing friendship and support.

You have been my rock, and I cannot imagine how I would have got through the past few years without you.

You are so generous, understanding, thoughtful, kind and honest. In fact your brutal honesty has saved me from many fashion disasters!

Whilst I was writing this, I came across a few perfect quotes.

The first is this, “Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.”

The second comes from one of my favourite poem by EE Cummings.

“I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.”

May you and Joe forever be in each other’s hearts, minds and souls.

So please let us all raise a glass to love, friendship, and family."











Friday, 19 July 2013

I want to thank you

Well, its less than 24 hours now until Laura becomes Mrs Ingleby, and I still can't believe that this is all really happening! It feels like a dream.

Days and hours are rushing past me, and I can't contain my excitement!

Earlier, I was thinking about what has happened in my life in the last few years. I don't want to sound to morbid, but I was remembering back to that dark day in September 2011, when I tried to end my life....And now, now things are so much brighter.

I'm so thankful that I'm still here.

Blessed and grateful to be alive.

Honoured that I can be Laura's maid of honour.

Amazed that my friends and family have supported me throughout it all.

That I've found the strength and courage to keep on fighting the black dog.

So this is a thank you, to each and every one of you for believing in me.

Tomorrow will again rush past me like a dream, and I certainly won't have time to type. I'll be caught up in the warmth of friendship, family, love and laughter.

I couldn't think of a place I'd rather be.


Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Shup up black dog

Mind whirring.
Black dog barking.
I need to get some sleep.
Don't forget that.
Remember this.
Mind spinning.
I need to get some sleep.
Black dog barking.
"You're a failure."
"You can't do this."
Shut up black dog.
Leave me alone.
I can do this.
Step by step.
I need to get some sleep.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Keep calm

Feeling slightly anxious as I think about my week ahead....

Two more days of the computer course and then a train journey up to Warwick for the final preparations for Laura's wedding.

Its going to be a little bit of a crazy week.

Lots of early starts too, which are never my favourite thing.

Must try and get myself into bed early each night.

My mind is full of lists, things to remember, and other silly things that I'm worrying about. (I wont bore you with those.)

Trying to focus my mind on just taking one day at a time. As well as with thinking about all the enjoyment I will be having at the end of the week, helping Laura prepare for her special day.

Oh its gonna be fun.

Just need to keep calm. Stay focused, and enjoy each memory making moment.


Thursday, 11 July 2013

Weeping Willow

The noise and the heat of the city was getting too much.

Bodies everywhere.

So much noise.

4 days of manic courses, computers, people and training, and I need some space.

So look for me underneath the willow tree.

I Have A Need For Solitude, music and lyrics by Mary Chapin Carpenter
I have a need
For solitude
I'll never be
Safe in crowded rooms
I like the sound
Of silence coming on
I come around
When everyone has gone

I have a need
For cool, verdant spaces
Beneath the trees
Secret empty places
Nobody knows
So no one will intrude
I have a need
For solitude

 But you can find me, when the light is changing
At that time of day when there's
Little day remaining
You can find me where I've been waiting
Waiting here for you

I never was
The pretty girl in school
I never was
Fast, tough and cool
All I was
All my life it seems
Was hard to love
Harder now to keep

But you can find me, when the light is changing
At that time of day when there's
Little day remaining

I have a need
For solitude
I'll never be
Safe in crowded rooms
I like the sound
Of silence coming on
I come around when all the rest have gone...

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

20 second interview

Blog : Hot?

Me : Yes.

Blog : Sweaty?

Me : A little bit.

Blog: Tired?

Me : Definitely.

Blog: Brain buzzing?

Me: Of course!

Blog: Still smiling?

Me: Just about.

Blog: Proud of what you did today?

Me: Oh don't push it.


Sunday, 7 July 2013

High fives all round

I cant possibly write tonight's blog without mentioning a certain historical British win....



Well done Andy Murray!


You made me dance around the living room like a maniac. High five to you my friend.

But despite basking in his glory, as well as the fabulous weather, I have struggled to relax this weekend. And if anyone had seen me yesterday afternoon they would probably come to the conclusion that I had a few ants in my pants.

Which, for the record, I can confirm that I didn't. I was just a bit antsy. (Antsy. Get it. Ho ho.)

The BT Internet saga rolls on, and they are sending an engineer out tomorrow.
I don't know why its wound me up so much, but it really has sent my anxiety levels sky rocketing, which is irritating.

Also working on my CV at my employability course on Friday probably didn't help matters. I got myself in a right old fluster trying to think of my 'skills and qualities'. Yuksville. I hate that kind of stuff. My mind goes blank, and I cant think of a single skill or quality I possess.

Oh well.

It must be said that Mr B has done a stupendous job of calming me down, so massive high fives to him too.

Tomorrow is a another day. And maybe there will be less ants around.


Thursday, 4 July 2013

New experiences

After spending another 45 minutes of my life on the phone to BT, we now have our landline working.

However, we still do not have any Internet.

Never mind.

Take a deep breath Susie.

Try not to get too wound up about it….(a flurry of curse words are on the tip of my tongue, but I shall restrain myself.)

What else have I been doing with my time today...Hmm...

Oh yes, I have started a new course. It has the rather uninspiring and vague title of 'Employability and Personal Development' but I'm not holding that against them.

By 'them' I mean the nice people that are running it.

For free.

Which is very nice indeed.

So I felt like I was back in school again today. Except for the fact that I didn't have to go down to the bottom of a field to have a fag break. I could smoke freely and didn't have to worry about seeing a teacher scurrying over to tell me off.

The other ten people in the class are the usual range of misfits and oddballs that you'd expect on this kind of course (I do include myself under that banner, so I'm not being mean.) They seem like a friendly bunch though, and I have already made two friends.

The first was Damien, a serious biker and metal head from Poland. He wants to start his own business or something. He has got a very long beard that I would quite like to snip off. But I shall have to resist.

My second friend is called Abdula. He has the biggest grin in the world, and I really like his accent. He's from Sudan, and wants to learn how to drive a forklift truck. I want to talk to him again tomorrow because I'm nosey and I have a feeling he has lots of interesting stories to tell.

Early start again so I must rest

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Anxiety triggers

OK so maybe watching Andy Murray in the quarter finals isn’t great for my anxiety levels. He’s losing 2 sets down and I’m hiding behind my pillow as I cant take the pressure!

Having our broadband and land line not work for the past 24 hours hasn’t been good for my anxiety levels either. BT have been utterly unhelpful and made me want to throw custard pies in their faces.
Apparently it should be working again by Friday.

Yes that’s right. Friday.

When I reported the fault on TUESDAY.


Angry Sooz.
I’m not very good at coping with change thats out of my control. It tends to make my brain go a little crazy and I feel all ruffled up.

So I’m back using the Internet in Daddy Pigs office. Which is working. (Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this…)

But that makes me even more confused, why is it working in the office and not the house.

I don’t know. I just want them to sort it out!
In other news, my creative block has finally ended and I have completed a new painting.

Its kind of like a black hole, tunnelly thing.
I will take some snaps and put them up.
Being able to paint again felt amazing. I felt surrounded by a calming energy that I was releasing onto the canvas.


So maybe I should stop watching the tennis and worrying about the internet, and go and throw some more paint around...


Monday, 1 July 2013


Firstly, before I forget, let me give you the link below.
For anyone who didn't get to listen to my Dad on Pause for Thought on Friday, click away and have a listen. He's brilliant. Not that I'm biased or anything.

Secondly, I would like to make a formal complaint to the Wimbledon Tennis Club. You are a continual distraction from my very important list of things to do, and its just not good enough. There's 6 more days of tennis and I've got far more urgent things to be getting on with, yet you keep on drawing me in with your gripping matches. Its shocking really.

What else.

I should have a third point, but I don't think I can find it right now.

Life has been a little crazy lately, and so it was utterly delightful to have a relaxing weekend. I didn't really worry or get anxious about anything. Which is pretty unheard of. Although Mr B informs me that my teeth grinding at night is pretty unbearable. Any other teeth grinders out there? I'm utterly unaware that I do it. But sometimes in the day my jaw often hurts, and I'm guessing that's the reason why...

'Studies have shown that almost 70% of sleep bruxism cases are a result of stress or anxiety that affects people subconsciously while they are asleep.' Source, NHS website.

Not all web related health research is helpful, but the NHS website is rather good I think.  Rather enlightening that teeth grinding seems to be linked to anxiety. It also informs me that headaches are one of the symptoms. And I do suffer a lot from pesky headaches.

Hmm interesting.