Wednesday, 31 October 2012


Half term week means no courses, and no courses means that Susie hasn't got a clue what day it routine has gone all skewif.

 Haven't been sleeping well.

 Nightmares haunting me.

 Bit overwhelmed about bits and bobs.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

I should be doing this.

I should be doing that.

Things hanging over me. Unfinished tasks.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

Starting this.

Forgetting that.

You cant do this. You'd be rubbish at that.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

Mind running away.

Images spiralling.


Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.


But I dont even have a job.

Feel guilty.




Monday, 29 October 2012

a ripping time




My fingers roughly pulled at the fabric, eager to see each piece fall away.

Tearing, ripping, breaking.

It might have only been one jumper, but each thread of cotton was stitched together with the bitter voices of the black dog. Voices that have been filling my head for far too long.

Who knew that one grey hoody could hold so many dark memories?

It was there when I was in hospital.

It was there when I took too many pills.

It was there when I hated myself.

It was there when I scratched my arms until they bled.

It was there when I did anything to numb the pain.

A grey hoody that became my invisibility cloak. When I wanted to disappear, that's what I wore. Nobody could see me, I didn't have to look at myself anymore.

And now its gone.

Shredded and ripped at the bottom of my bin.

I delighted in every cut those scissors made, knowing that I would never ever want to wear that grey hoody again.

Hurrah for that!


Saturday, 27 October 2012

look after each other and yourself

My anxiety hasn't been great the past few days, and I'm not really sure why. Think tiredness may be something to do with it. Very frustrating. It comes out of no-where and suddenly you're standing in Tesco with your hands and legs shaking like an old lady who's lost their zimmer frame.

Shaking Susie. That's my new name. I could do Elvis-like dance moves with my knees knocking and get paid to be a female impersonator. I bet there aren't many of those....

Anyway, my little nephew Joshua has told me that everything is going to be OK because Jesus is always here to look after me. Love theology from a three year old.

 Mr B is taking me to my favourite restaurant tonight, well I use the term restaurant fairly loosely as its a Harvester, but I just cant resist the salad bar and fried chicken. Not that I actually fill my bowl with salad, mine mainly consists of bacon bits, sweetcorn and croutons. Super tasty. We were going to have a night on the razzle dazzle but Mr B thought it would be better for me to take it steady and have a slightly quieter night. He's very thoughtful like that, Mr B looks after me, and I like it.

Sometimes when I feel a bit better I get so excited that I kind of overcook my goose (one of Mama Pigs phrases) and then I end up feeling worse. Its really irritating. But I just have to learn to pace myself.

Heres a snap of me and Joshua that I took this week as we went stomping in the muddy field. I'd forgotten how glorious it felt to get super muddy and sing silly songs........



Friday, 26 October 2012

the cost of keeping warm....

Apparently theres a cold snap on the way, so I've been preparing myself by searching for a new winter woolly. I've been keeping my eyes open for something warm and snuggledy, as it appears most of my jumpers are going a bit bobbly and threadbare. Think those darn moths have been enjoying a feast over the summer, and somehow I didn't quite realise. The trouble is, most warm jumpers are slightly out of my price range, so I've been ferreting around in the charity shops instead.

I've always been a big fan of charity shops, you can pick up some absolute gems. What does irritate me though, is when you see a top from Primark being sold for double the price, that's just bad business. Or the charity shops that have caught onto the the 'retro' trend, and so treble the price of anything that looks at least 5 years old. I think that's a bit cheeky. I mean, I know they have to make money, but also know-one is going to buy it if its a million squillion pounds when they could get a new version in Primark for tuppence.

Anyway, rant over, because today I did find myself a lovely cosy cardigan for the bargain price of £6. And its 50% wool, which means super warm but not super itchy. I took it up to the till and the lady looked at me with a slightly strange expression...

"You do realise this is a mans cardigan don't you??"

So apparently all I need to complete my look is a flat cap and a pipe...


Wednesday, 24 October 2012

little bits

Ahhh (that's a big sigh, not a scream) at last I'm sat back at the computer typing away. I seem to be so busy at the moment and finding time to stop and blog has been nearer the bottom of my list. But today its jumped up, overtaken all the boring tasks (like washing my socks, oh so dull) and has reached the top. Hurrah.

There also seems to have been quite a few HURRAHS in my life the past few days....

I've started a new course, discovered info about another writing course, met some ace people, been told  that a great art class I'm part of has got some funding to continue, AND (probably most importantly) I've found my old Winnie-the-Pooh books which I thought I had lost forever. Pooh and Piglet are once again part of my life.

Its really rather exciting.

Although....I still haven't been to the gym for 7 weeks!!! Naughty naughty Susie. I must go. I really must....

Its surprising how busy my life can be even though I don't work. I know people who do work won't believe me, but I will just stick my tongue out at you and say "BOOraaa!" Cuz unlike a 'normal' (hate that word but can't think of another) person, everyday tasks still take up twice the amount of mental energy for me. It is getting easier though. Practise makes perfect.

I was talking to my sister yesterday about the past 2 years, and its strange because for me, some of my darkest times have just blurred together. She told me how pretty much all I used to do was sleep, knit, and watch films. I don't really remember that, I only remember the darkness. And being really cold all the time...Living in my grey hoody, with my pink blanket wrapped over me.... Urgh, such a yukky time. Don't ever want to go back there....

I'm kind of touching on little bits of things today but I feel like I could write more if I could concentrate a bit better.

I do apologise. I think my brain is hungry and  marmite crumpets are calling....


Monday, 22 October 2012

Lucky, blessed

I often find looking in my dictionary or thesaurus useful, but today they have both failed me.  Not because I was looking for the reason why diet coke tastes so delicious.... but because I was looking for some good quality, top notch definitions.

However, I am not satisfied with the answers that they provided me with. They didn't express the meaning in the way in which I experience the words. So basically, I am right, and they are wrong. Oxford English Dictionary who? The Susie Piggott English Dictionary has been commissioned .

Now I bet you're wondering which words I was investigating? I'm sure you're on the edge of the seat, as this is such a gripping read. Well I shall keep you in suspense no longer, the words were lucky and blessed.

Blessed to have family.
Lucky to have love.
Blessed to have friends.
Lucky to have laughs.
Blessed to get hugs.
Lucky to enjoy them.
Blessed to be a sister, a daughter.
Lucky to be an aunt.
Blessed to see the light again.
Lucky to be out of the dark.

My definitions.


Friday, 19 October 2012

send me on my way

I'm almost ready to embark on my journey to Oxford. Fun, friends, and a cow-free thai green curry await me. I can't wait.

Just wish I didnt have to get the blasted train.

Also hoping that my stupid hands will stop shaking. They have been behaving recently, but for some odd reason today I cant hold anything without the fear of possibly dropping it. So as long as I keep away from red wine and antique china, I should be fine....


P.S heres a little song for the journey....pretty cool lyrics and truely awesome dance moves ;)

Thursday, 18 October 2012

How are you today?

Um yes. So. I have a cough. Splutter splutter. And a cold. Snot snot. But enough about my revolting bodily functions.

How are you today?

In my life BBD (before black dog) my answer to that question was always, "FINE!"  In a very shrill kind of 'dont you dare ask me any more questions'  way. I can even see my uncomfortable expression too, wearing my mask of a forced tight smile. Yuk. I won't be going there again. No thank you.

But its so hard isn't it? When you have pretended that you're OK for so long, you think if you tell the truth you'll look weak, or even more of a failure.

I can tell you now, that's not true.


If you're not fine, please don't say that you are.

I know how scary it is to say that you feel numb, confused, paranoid, insecure, stuck in a black hole, consumed with suicidal thoughts. But I also know how much better my life has been since I took off my mask and told the truth.

You might scream, you might cry, you might say nothing. You might say, "I feel fucking shit actually". And if its the local postman asking how you're doing, you may give them a slight shock on their morning round, but I promise its better to let it out. You just might not get your letters for a little while....Ha. I jest of course!

Lets rid our conversations of, "I'm OK" and "Fine thanks" or "Not bad" or even worse, "Alright".
Oh how dull.

Let us embrace some new

"I've just taken my first anti-depressants so I'm feeling like I might throw up any minute" or

"I'm really anxious about today's meeting and I can't stop farting" or

"Well, I feel OK now because I just counted to 17, 3 times after locking the back door" or

"I'm so scared, can you stay in the house with me this evening"

"I just ate something other than marmite on toast for the first time in 3 days, I'm so pleased with myself!

(By the way, I havent just randomly made these up, they are all answers that I could of given in the past 2 years.)

So let us all take a challenge, next time someone asks you how you're feeling, tell the truth. Whether it be good or bad, just let it out. One things for certain, there will definitely be some interesting conversations out there.


Wednesday, 17 October 2012

wasted wednesday?

I've achieved nothing today. Zilch. Zero. Not even a little bit.

Not good.

Feel guilty.

But I have felt knackered after yesterday.

And I've got the snuffles.


Ah well. These things happen I guess.... Tomorow is a new day.

I was forced out of my pit this afternoon due to a lack of diet coke in the house, so at least I've had a walk....



Monday, 15 October 2012

love, hope

More photos for you tonight folks....if you haven't seen them already, here are some (pretty bad quality, I had to take the first with the camera held in my mouth...) pictures of my new 'love' tattoo to match with its partner 'hope'.

You might like them, you might hate them, you might thing I'm a fruit loop, either way, I don't really care. Because one things for sure, you can't argue with the sentiment.

Two tiny words that can have such extraordinary meanings.



Love, hope.

Tomorrow I'm attending a funeral for a dear family friend. Louise was so special, so loved, and has been taken away from this world far too early. She had been unwell with cancer for the past 18 months, and I was completely humbled when my Mum told me that she read my blog. I had no idea. Sorry, I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. But Louise never moaned, never complained, she had such courage. Mum said she found my blog encouraging, knowing that she wasn't the only person having a rough time. And I think that's what we all need reminding of. We're not alone with our troubles. Many of us are struggling with mental illness, physical illness, stress, anxiety, bereavement, relationship strains...whatever it is, you're not the only one....

Just remember, love, hope. Love, hope.

Sunday, 14 October 2012


The nights are drawing in.

The smell of roast potatoes waft up the stairs.

Leaves are falling. Frosts are coming.

Autumn has arrived.

Bright sunlight and a fresh wind on your face.

Chilly ears.

Lets get the boots out. And our warm winter cardigans.

Cosy up.

Nest in.

The winter is coming. But the light wont disappear.

It will shine through the darkness.

Brighter than ever.


Friday, 12 October 2012

jibber jabber

An evening of wine drinking, gossipping, nail painting and delish snacks await me. I love being a girl.

This week seems to have been pretty long by all accounts....not really sure why....I don't think they added an extra day. Maybe its just because Monday seems like ages time ago. Hmm. The complexities of time never cease to amaze me....Ha. I felt very scientific writing that sentence.

I've been working on a new painting this week, its another of the spiral wire doodle things. In bluey colours this time, and a lot bigger. I would say its better too, but I probably would be lying.

Oh I seem to be wittering in a rather non-sensical way tonight.

Obviously the wine is calling....


Thursday, 11 October 2012

sleep tight

To whoever invented the snooze button, I would like to hug and poke you in the eye simultaneously. I love your invention, but it really is the curse of my morning routine.

I set my alarm for 7:32am (one of my weird OCD things, I cant set an alarm for a 00 time or a time ending in an odd number) this morning, and I didn't get out of bed till 7:58am. Whoops. Considering the snooze goes off at 4 minute intervals, I managed to fall back into the deepest of slumbers each time. Oh sleepy time, I can never seem to get enough of you.

I think I have been blessed (or cursed) with the gift of being able to sleep anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Trains, planes, cars, buses, kitchen floors, bathroom floors, fields and forests, all can be temporarily adapted into Susie's sleeping area.

Which reminds me, I think its time for bed.


Tuesday, 9 October 2012

another day

Some days don't turn out exactly how you imagine them to.

You might step in a puddle, miss your bus or drop your last salt and vinegar chipstick on the floor. Equally, you could find 10p in an old coat, a butterfly might land on your shoulder and for once your hair might just behave itself.

Either way, I have learnt that the tables seem to keep on turning. A bad day could be followed by a great day. A funny day could be followed by a miserable day. You just don't know. And I must admit I still find that uncertainty rather irritating. But this is the nature of depression and the black dog.

However, at one point all my days just merged into one disgusting numbing dark blob, so things have most definitly improved...


Monday, 8 October 2012

time to change

Rightyho, lets get typing.

I have been preoccupied by painting and also by doing secret things.

Exciting secret things that I dont want to write about just yet because they may not blossom, they are just at the beginning. We shall see. But the main thing is, I am being PROACTIVE (ha I hate that word, its so dull but I can't think of anything else suitable...!)

Also this week is World Mental Health Week, (or day, depending which website you're on!) If you google it or go on the MIND website you can find about stuff happening in your area.

If you're local to Bath/Bristol then tomorrow from 11am-4pm at the Guildhall in Bath there is going to be all kinds of stalls and cool people giving information and advice out. I've heard rumours about art and yoga too which sound exciting. Anyway, I'm going to get myself down there and generally give everyone a big thumbs up and tell them what top bananas they are for raising the awareness of mental health.

Lets keep kicking that black dog right in the snout.


Sunday, 7 October 2012

love love love

 It had completely slipped my mind until tonight to write a little more about my new tattoo...

For those who have seen it or remember reading it, last year I got the word 'hope' tattooed on my wrist. It is a word that has got me through my darkest hours. A word that I never wanted to forget. I've said it a thousand times before, but hope can often hide, but always be found.

And so, a year after I attempted to take my own life, I wanted another positive mantra inscribed onto my wrist.

When I look back over the past year my mind is blown away with how far I've come. I literally can't believe what I've been able to achieve. I know I may not be back at work yet, but I've jumped over some massive hurdles (such a cliche I know, but stick with it..!)

 And probably most importantly, I've come back. Susie has come back. I never thought that would happen! Lets all jump on the table and do a little dance! 

Therefore, when deciding on a particular word for my tattoo, my brain was having a bit of a dilemma. Should I have strength? Or should I have love?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, and because its 10pm on a Sunday night and my bed is calling, I decided on love.

To remind myself that I am loved. To remember that I've finally begun to love myself again.

And to know that love isn't flowers and cards and big smushy stuff. Its a hug. Its a journey. Its a tissue (or snot rag in my case.) Its standing by your side. Its acceptance. Its telling you things you don't want to hear. Its not wanting to change you. Its forever. 


Thursday, 4 October 2012

Football tackling depression

Just a quick one tonight....

I was listening to Radio 2 earlier (yes I'm old...) It appears that Stoke City FC are becoming the first premier league club to actively address depression and the psychological welfare of their players. Quite shocked that this isn't done already. But anyway, there is going to be more about it on BBC breakfast tomorrow morning so I will try and set my alarm....

The sports chap on the radio then went on to have a chinwag with Leon Mckenzie, who's had his own battle with depression.

Anybody who raises the awareness of this horrible illness gets a massive thumbs up and a pat on the back from me.

Below is a link for an article with Leon interesting read, and yet again more proof that anyone can suffer from mental health problems.


Wednesday, 3 October 2012

mostly about pigs....

Yesterday I was temporarily paralysed, hence the lack of blogging. And it wasn't the pain from my new tattoo that was hindering me, but instead I had a giant swollen gland in my neck. Its been making me feel quite beaky, so I've had a quiet few days pottering around.

Anyway, that's all my boring news out of the way, and now I can start to write about super scintillating  stuff....

Such as, how I choked on my coco-pops this morning as I found out that a man in America was eaten by his herd of pigs....Honestly, I can't believe its true. Pigs are very friendly, and if he was a 70 year old man then he probably wouldn't be very tasty. He'd be all wrinkly and crusty. Mind you, if he hadn't been feeding his pigs properly then who can blame them. They must of been starving marvin. Click the link below if you want to find out more about this odd story. The highlight for me is knowing that the pigs didn't want to eat the old mans dentures. Obviously that part of him wasn't quite as delectable...!

Its just another testimony reminding us that life never stays the same.

Just when we start to lean back, relax and get used to something (like feeding the pigs), something or someone can come along and change your world. It might be only briefly, or it might be more a ravenous human-eating pig jumping out and biting your head off.

In the past I have been petrified of change.

But now I'm slowly becoming less scared, more excited, and I think, more adaptable.


Monday, 1 October 2012

yesterday,today and tomorrow

Written on Sunday before computer freaked out and shut the web page down...

Even though I got up at 7:30am this morning (a most unnatural hour for me to experience) I'm not allowed to moan about how tired I am...because Mr B ran the half marathon in Bristol...and apparently, its pretty tiring....

Don't think I'll be entering myself into that anytime soon...I would most definitely collapse and be the one chain smoking and stopping to grab a tasty burger half way round. Ha.

Written today whilst I'm sitting here, writing this...

A good day.

A great day.

A day full of painting naked people, laughing at Mr B negotiating his way around the countryside (not his natural habitat) and eating lots of fajita goodness. Oh and some crazy dancing thrown in for good measure too.

Unfortunately the black dog came sniffing around me last night, he was barking so loudly it made me feel quite wonky....I hate that blasted mutt.

Eventually managed to kick his mangey smelly arse away from me though. KAPOW. Black dog was karate chopped by the master of imaginary martial arts Sooz.

Oh I mustn't forget its tattoo time tomorrow!! Super excited about my new inky print. Had a few deliberations about which word to have on my other wrist, and which way round etc...but I've finally decided and I can't wait. Hope they give me a lolly again like they did last year. Loved that chuba chubs.....