Sunday, 31 July 2011

Trapped

So tired.

I got out of bed at lunchtime.

Pretended not to sleep on the sofa this afternoon. But failed.

And now I feel like its bedtime again.

Actually, I did manage to drag my arse out of the house to go for a walk round the fields. A tiny achievement in another repetitive, unchanging day. Where my brain is overflowing with disgust, hatred and disappointment.  My body feels numb.

Days drag on and on. Nothing changes.

Black dog has trapped me.

x

Saturday, 30 July 2011

A glimmer of hope

Sometimes, somebody just pops into your head. And you have to text them, ring them, email them, or even send them a bit of snail mail.

And sometimes, you realise that when you have sent this tiny message, that it was the best thing that you have done with your day.That you have bought a little bit of hope into someone elses life.

It makes you feel like the universe is working with you, and not against you. That a higher power above has somehow prompted you to send that message and make a tiny little difference into somebody elses life.

Maybe I'm wittering. But as I was sitting in the garden with my Mama this evening, I started thinking about my next door neighbour. So I sent her a little message. And she came round, we had some wine, we chatted and most importantly we were there for one another. Everyone has their own struggles and difficulties, and that text message seemed like a prompt to bring a glimmer of hope into her life, as well as my own.

Because actually, as much as black dog likes to shout at me every day....And cheesy as it sounds...I really don't think we are alone. At least, I really hope we're not alone.

xxx

Friday, 29 July 2011

Love and other drugs

Just finished watching the film Love and Other Drugs. I think Rafael Nadal has finally got some competition, and Jake Gyllenhaal could possibly be the new love of my life. We'll have to see. I think I need to see Jake in a few more films. I don't remember him being particularly attractive in Donnie Darko, great film, but a little scary for my sensitive brain cells.

Anyway, theres this scene  when Maggie (Anne Hathaway) asks Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal) if he can list 4 good things about himself. He is more than a little stumped. And it got me thinking. How many people can list 4 good things about themselves?? Can you?? I can easily think of 4 bad things about myself....

1. Impatient
2. Selfish
3. Unable to achieve anything, aka, a big fat failure
4. Jealous

But 4 good things.....I may be here for a while but I'm really really going to try...

1. I have a rather large shoe collection that I'm always happy to lend people (does that count? Probably not, because not many people can actually borrow my shoes cuz I have tiny feet. Although, I do also have an equally large handbag collection which I lend out frequently...)
2. I can make quite a tasty pasta sauce (I know its the easiest meal in the world, but I'm clutching at straws here...)
3. I would say I'm very honest, but actually, I can be quite sneaky and tell little lies. So I really don't think that counts either.
4. ??? Idiotic list. Lets just leave it at 3? Even though none of them really count...!

Nah. I can't think of anything else. I give up. That was a stupid idea to even attempt that challenge.

I think its time for another ryvita.

x

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Tears

 Not really sure where to start today.

I'm super tired but there is quite a lot going on in my brain.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he has put me on some new drugs. And a little bit of Valium to get me through the next few weeks.

Feeling a little bit of an emotional wreck. After 6 months of not crying, now I can't seem to stop the tears from spurting out of my eyeballs. I think I might be creating a small flood here in Saltford. And its those really big weepy hiccupy tears. I remember when I was little and I used to fall over (which was quite a lot, permanent scabs on my knees...) the pain was always so unbearable. Probably the shock too. I would be crying, and kind of gasping for breath, and shaking a little bit too, clinging onto my Mama. Well, fast forward twenty years, and I seem to be reliving these tearful situations. The only difference being is the pain just seems to be even more savage. The wounds have gone deeper. And I just can't believe that they will ever heal. That I will ever heal. I honestly can't imagine ever being rid of this illness. Its like a curse. The curse of the black dog (and other tales..) hmmm that sounds like a title of a book...!

I'm also constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up at any second. My stomach is in such a tight knot. I know I hold so much tension in my tummy. When I start to cry, it bubbles up from my stomach, and I almost feel like I'm throwing up. How gross is that? Hope you're not eating whilst reading this....Apologies if you are tucking into something tasty....! Ryvita and pitta bread are my only dietary requirements at present. When I feel sick all the time, I really don't want to eat, but I know I have to force something down that little throat of mine.

x

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

It started with Hercules

Watch this.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCteeZTrjE

Its from one of my favourite films Hercules....

Watch out for the plump singer and her tiny little feet. She looks super fun. I would quite like to be her friend.

My cousin Nina calls me Hobbit Hooves because my feet are a little wide (not because they are hairy...!) and I call her Hurkfeet/and or Arrowfeet. Due to the sharpness and arrow like quality that they posses....Its kind of a long story...I'm not sure if I'm explaining it that well...But I know what I mean, and most importantly so does she...!

Anyway.......I've had another shit bad black dog day. I feel horrible.

My head hurts, my brain hurts, I feel sick, I want to disappear, I've got no energy, I can't concentrate, and  I just cant see the point in anything anymore...(makes a change hey?!)

...But I know that if Nina were here next to me we would make each other giggle, have cuddles and watch Hercules together. Or Beauty and the Beast. Or the Goonies. Also we would probably find some tasty little snacks to nibble on too. And she would remind me of all the funny things that have happened when the two of us have joined forces through the years...So I'm really going to try and focus my brain cells on that tonight, and maybe, just maybe...watch Hercules too....

I probably wont to be honest.....but I can imagine it would be a good idea if I did...Being in bed is the most likely thing I'll be doing tonight.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow........fingers crossed, this time I wont have a 1 in 10,000 allergic reaction to the new medication. I would like the drugs and my body to work in perfect harmony with one another and generally make me better.

 Please.

I don't want to be stuck in this hellish limbo anymore.

I can't take it.

I can't even write properly anymore. My concentration has gone all squiffy and I just want to delete all this again. Because, once more, I don't think I'm making any sense.

I hate being all muddled up.

Its very confusing.

x

Monday, 25 July 2011

Its not really working tonight

This is the third time I've started writing tonight's blog.

And each time the delete button has taken complete control.

OK.

Right.

Concentration face is here and ready to go.

Trouble is, black dog seems to have complete control too.

Actually, I think the delete button and black dog might be co-conspirators.

x

Sunday, 24 July 2011

sunday night with Sooz

Still no word on who sent me the exciting FunFax package in the post. Would someone like to enlighten me? Or am I really going to have to get my super spy hat on and track you down........?

I certainly haven't got my writers hat on. Not that I'm sure I ever have had that hat on. Maybe a small writers headscarf. But probably not a full blown Panama (which I imagine is what all proper writers wear when they are having serious intellectual thoughts.)

I don't think I have my funny hat on either. Again, I don't really think I ever have had a funny hat. Perhaps a slightly odd looking fascinator thingy that you buy once for someones wedding because you're having a fashion emergency and you never wear it again, because actually, it doesn't really suit you.

Wow. Long sentence. See, I knew I had left my writers headscarf somewhere. Possibly in bed. That seems to be where I am spending the majority of my time at the moment. This whole change over in medication situation really seems to be hitting me hard. All I can do is wait. Wait for the doctor to get the medicine right. Wait for my body not to have a stupid allergic reaction. And wait for the drugs to actually kick in.

That is quite a lot of waiting.
And I am a very impatient person.
Which is just another problem to add to the list...

Curses.

xxx

Saturday, 23 July 2011

teeny tiny blog

Susie's word of the day...


SELF CARE


OK maybe that's two words but you get the general idea....

x

Friday, 22 July 2011

Blurgh (thats what my face looks like whilst I'm typing this)

Not much blog writing done this week.

Now its time to have a little catch up.

Sometimes writing really helps me feel a bit better. It can be such a good release to get all my muddled up thoughts onto paper. But this week has been such a roller coaster, I haven't really known where to start. Also, the Internet has been broken for a few days....Which, for me, has probably been a good thing. Not really for my Dad though, who works at home and was having to do all his emails on his little phone with his thumbs that are probably a bit too big....(Insert tiny giggle here.)

Humm. I still don't really know where to start. I would quite like to make this bit of writing a bit hopeful, but I'm in a horrible place with black dog and he seems to be blocking everything else out.

My mind is consumed with hatred for myself. Disgust. I'm so tired. Exhausted. I haven't got the energy to fight this raging illness anymore. I would quite like to disappear.

Some amazing people continue to reach out to me, channelling through their own strength and I'm desperately trying to cling onto some part of that. But I just feel like I'm side of a cliff, I've already fallen off, and there is just a tiny little weedy bit of plant that is just about taking my weight. This all sounds a little bit Indiana Jones. And in my mind, it kind of is. After all, I've always been a big fan of his hat. Although very scared of the films. Especially the bit with the monkey brains. Eeek.

I am sounding like a broken record that is constantly on repeat and you just cant make it stop.
Somebody make it stop.
I would like to be turned off now.

x

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

1 in 10,000 thats me

Today was saved by Mrs Kim Crawfurd. Excellent work lovely lady.

Because, quite frankly (I like that phrase, I probably say it too much) it didn't start well...Since I have increased the dose of my new medication on Saturday I started to notice these little blisters on my hands. And then on my feet. On my tongue. And down the back of my throat. Ouch. Oh and a few on my wrists too. Attractive? Not really (although, for the record they are blisters and not warts.  Yes, just wanted to make that crystal clear...) Itchy? Yes. Sore and painful? Yes. A few more ouch's. Ouch ouch ouch. Anyway, after speaking to my special psychiatrist doctor man on the phone, it turns out this is a rare side effect of the drugs, that affects 1 in 10,000 people.....just my luck.

So a few days off all medication before trying something new! Wow. How exciting. (Does sarcasm work on blogs? I know sometimes it doesn't work in text messages and people get offended by my kooky off beat comedy and general wit...)

God, I really am talking a load of dribble tonight.

I should probably stop. Because I get a bit paranoid when I talk too much. Mrs Kim can vouch for this. I kept on worrying that I was overloading her with my verbal diarrhoea this afternoon. She assures me not though....

I'm a little tired and feel a bit funny now.

I really should stop typing.

Also its hurting my blistered fingers on the wretched keyboard.

So I defo will stop now.

xxx

Monday, 18 July 2011

Agent Piggott is on the case

Another difficult, horrible, gut wrenching, black dog, anxiety overload filled day.

Argh!!

When is this new medication going to kick in? I really would like to know the answer please. If only I had a magic 8 ball...I really think the answer just might be in there....

But the one very exciting thing that did bring a smile to my face was a package that landed on my doorstep....Its all very intriguing...I have no idea who its from! Its been packaged in America, but the postmark is from Germany, so I am totally confused. Whats even more exciting is what the package contained...a Funfax spy manual! Yes!! My childhood dreams of becoming a spy may finally be coming true...And so it must be someone who read my blog about my love of Funfaxes and how much I wish I still had mine...!(Yes what a great spy I am to work that great big clue out..!) Thank you so much lovely and thoughtful person. Please tell me who you are! Otherwise I will have to use some of my new spy skills and track you down.

It really was the best thing about my day.
So not just a little thank you. Its a BIG thank you.

xxx

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Hope can often hide but always be found

I don't know what to do with myself.

I have had an afternoon cat nap for 2 hours underneath a very cosy blanket. And now attempting to watch a mindless chick flick to distract me from this stupidly annoyingly frustrating illness that I HATE SO MUCH!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I am so tired of fighting this depression.

Patience has never been one of my strong points. Actually, a bit of an understatement, I am such an inpatient lady! Oh dear. Urgh.

For now though.....maybe a little bit of a cheesy song to take my mind of things...

To make me hope that things will change...

I have to hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uoC-YTQy8&feature=related Regina Spektor, 'The Call'.

I have to hope that I will come back.

x

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Oh nuts

So, I'm off the Valium. And onto the wine. Which is why I seem to be making quite a few spelling mistakes. Good old spell checker is helping me out though. Good times.

Pretty sleepy.

Whats new.

But my dearest darling sister is 40, oh no, wait, I mean 30. Shit, she's gonna kill me for writing that. Yes definitely 30, but seriously she doesn't look a day over 18. In fact, she looks exactly the same. Bloody gorgeous.

Yes. Gorgeous girl Sarah-Belle.

That's the end of today's blog, because its quite likely I may hit my head on the typewriter (oh no, that's not what its called is it? I mean, ermmm ooo something to do with a piano. Oh yes! Keyboard!)

I need my bed.....................

x

Friday, 15 July 2011

Friday night date with...the hoover...wahey!

Just been cleaning around the house like a maniac.

Love cleaning when I'm feeling anxious.

Very satisfying.

I seem to be saying that word a lot recently.

Satisfying.

Good word work. Well not really, as someone with a degree in English, I really should be able to think of another word. But then again, I have never professed to be a walking thesaurus..

I have a whole lot of nervous/anxious energy that I'm not really sure what to do with. Hence the cleaning.

I think I might go and have a little date with my skipping rope...

x

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Urrrrrghhhh YUK

About 4 years ago I went to Dublin for a week with the lovely Miss Charlotte Thompson.

On the last day, I woke up, with quite literally, the worst hangover of my life. I couldn't move, my head was about to explode, I couldn't stop throwing up, I felt like I was going to pass out any second. I'm sure some of you have been there...and if you haven't...I really don't advise it...although the night before really was a whole lot of fun...

Anyway, as we had one day left in the wondrous city, we really felt like we should make the most of it.

Charlotte was feeling pretty bright and breezy and hopped out early to see some sights, probably the sight of my hangover face was making her feel a little queasy too.

When I finally dragged my arse out of bed, I met her in a park where I instantly collapsed and professed I could move no longer...(not that I'm dramatic or anything...) Through sheer will and a little bit of strength Char managed to coax me down Grafton Street, whilst I was holding onto her for dear life....But the nausea wouldn't leave me. Every step I took down that crowded street I felt like I was going to throw up into some  tourist's lunchbox. But I managed to hold it back...for about 10 minutes...

I could take the pain no longer, last nights cider, wine and vodka combination wanted to come back into the world and say hello to the streets of Dublin. And so it was, that at the side of some posh street whilst passers by looked on appallingly, I spewed my guts out. All over the pavement. And possibly a little bit on my shoe (or someone elses...)

Now why am I writing about this minging tale, this hangover from hell?

Because today, like most days, I feel like that horrible, disgusting vomit that I left on the street.
That's me.

I can't stop feeling like that puddle of sick, something people want to avoid, want to look away from, want to stay away from, something that is disintegrating into nothingness.
That's me.

x

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Said it all...and Patience

I'm going to let the loves of my life, the kings of pop, do the talking for me tonight. That's Take That by the way, the most wondrous band in all the world.

Two songs by them, that some people may think are about love and relationships. But for me, they're not about that at all. The songs seem to put into words a lot of how I'm feeling right now. About my battle, my war against depression. And how I feel like an empty, broken shell.

Also the videos for both songs seem to hold some sort of significance for me. Especially in the first video. The masks, pretending to be something else, acting a part, pretending to be happy. And then stripping back that mask, underneath the layers, the truth, your inner self, can finally be revealed.

The second video also holds strong visual links for me. Walking through a wilderness. Lost in the darkness, unsure about where to go next, struggling through the unknown.

Have a listen...have a read...I've highlighted in bold the words that really stand out to my little brain...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ideJmOH2z4Y


Said It All lyricsSongwriters: Barlow, Gary; Donald, Howard; Orange, Jason; Owen, Mark; Robson, Steve;
 When the tears fall away,
And there's no conversation.
There's nothing left to break,
That's not already broken.

You're staring into space,
And every inch of silence.
Been standing here for days,And days.

Said it all,
Nothing to say at all,
Nothing to say that matters,
Haven't we heard enough?

Said it all,
Nothing to say at all,
Nothing to say that matters,
Doesn't matter, anymore.
In the sudden light of day,
No weight of expectation.
The hurt begins to fade,
As you find a new direction.
Been talking here for days,
And days, and days.

Said it all,
Nothing to say at all,
Nothing to say that matters,
Doesn't matter, anymore.

All of the miles of words we've spoken
All of the lines that got away,
Didn't we take the time to say them all?

All of the miles of words we've spoken,
All of the lines that got away,
Didn't we take the time to say them all?

Said it all,
Nothing to say at all,
Nothing to say that matters,
Haven't we heard enough?

Said it all,
Nothing to say at all,
Nothing to say that matters.
Haven't we said it all.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=273eSvOwpKk&feature=relmfu

Patience lyrics
Just have a little patience,I'm still hurting from a love I lost.
I'm feeling your frustration,
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

'Cause I,
Need time,
My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again.I know you wanna be my salvation,
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong,
Believe me I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I,
Need time,
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience.

'Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard,

 But I have to believe.

Just have a little patience.


Have a little patience.
My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I’m still healing,
Just try and have a little patience.

© EMI MUSIC PUB. LTD.;

xxx

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Suggestions (kind of) welcome

Restless.

But tired.

Not really sure what to do with myself.

I've tried walking, painting, writing, sleeping.

And tapping. I seem to be doing a lot of tapping.

So please, all suggestions welcome.

Although, judging by the kind of mood I'm in, they will be instantly discarded.

Worth a try?

Nah, I wouldn't bother either.

x

Monday, 11 July 2011

I wish

 Today, like many days, I wish I was by the sea.

And this song seems to suit my mood  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--wy8QmLlM8 (Morcheeba, The Sea...)

I want to walk on the beach. Collect shells. Watch the waves for hours on end. Look at the neverending skyline. Watch the sunlight dance on the water.

Maybe I should plan some sort of getaway. Although it needs to be stress free and cheap. I am a poor pauper at the moment. And I hate planning. So maybe a spur of the moment thing. If only I had a magic carpet.........or a magic lamp. Either would work.

For now, maybe I should content myself with going to stare at the pond like puddle in the field.

Yeah....totally gonna have the same relaxing effect on me....

xx

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Where has all the mystery gone?

Does anyone ever stop and think how weird the Internet it?

I mean really weird. Not just a little bit weird. Before facebook, twitter, blogging, texting, what was life like? I mean, I remember. I'm not that absent minded. But it was definitely different. Remember when the first mobiles came out. I had this huge Motorola with a little aeriel and everything. I miss that bad boy. Wish I'd kept it, probably be worth something now... Everyone always used to say to me, why are you writing everything in capitals, stop shouting! And the truth was, I just didn't know which button to press to change it..whoops. You always put on the end of your messages TB or txt bk. I'm not really sure why... I might start doing that to people to freak them out. My Dad is still a big fan of abbreviating everything in his texts. To the point when often, it takes me about 10 minutes to decipher what he is on about...

I think before facebook there was an air of mystery surrounding everyone. And I kind of miss that. I miss the mystery.

I am about as mysterious as a plot in Diagnosis Murder.

Especially now with this blogging shenanigan that I seem to have gotten myself into.

 We can find out where are friends (and frenemies...) are at a click of a button. Where are they living? Are they married, engaged, single, have they got kids? Where are they working? What do they look like? Are they still gorgeous/not so gorgeous/fat/thin/old/young? So much information at our fingertips its a bit overwhelming.

I think I have a bit of a love hate relationship with the Internet to be honest. I love being able to contact people so easily, and especially with this blog, its been such a lifeline for me. But I also am cursed with the rather large matter of comparing myself to everyone out there.

For example....profile pictures on facebook. I believe the devil invented this conundrum. I am never satisfied with any photo I put up. My eyes either look too oversized, my face is too moonlike, or my legs look fat, or my smile is crooked, or my hair is crazy or most generally, I just look like a twat...the list goes on.... (probably safe to say I have a few image issues that I need to deal with...) The point is....I don't think there is one photo I like of myself that I think I look vaguely OK. And that is irritating. Especially as everyone else looks so flippin beautiful and fun out there on the Internet waves.

Not really sure what point I'm trying to make here.......I think I may have got a little distracted and gone onto a tangent....Hmmm...

Time for another dose of Valium I think....!

xxx

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Short but not very sweet

I am struggling to see the point.

In today.

Yesterday.

And tomorrow.

I'm so tired of fighting this battle.

I don't want to sound too morbid....But hang on, wait a second, I am suffering from depression.. And tonight, no matter how hard I try, I can't even think of anything witty to say.

Usually looking in the mirror at my insanely wide eyes and giant moonface brings a slight giggle from somewhere. But mostly, today, I just want to vanish.

x

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

A little rant

I really haven't got anything to write about today.

I'm a little bored.

Bored of my life, bored of feeling like shit, bored of this never ending depression.

So, I figure, instead of moaning about my life... I may as well think of all the things that bore me most in the world instead....Actually changed my mind, this is now going to be a list of things I hate most in the world. Much more satisfying...

1. People that look amazing in photos all the time. Even without make-up on. Grrrr.

2. That new kindle thing. The advert actually makes me feel physically sick. Get a real book!

3. Hearing people on the radio who ring up for a 'shout out'. Urgh. I really don't care about your life and the song that made you fall in love whilst you're hoovering your house.

4. Ignorance. Generally. Read a newspaper. Get an opinion. Make up your mind based on facts not just shitty journalism.

5. David Cameron

6. George Osbourne

7. Liars (see above for examples of this...)...liar liar your pants are on fire

8. When you have an itch and you just cant scratch it

9. Rats...(again, see above for example..)

10. Snooker...I really don't see the point in that game.

11. Moody bus drivers

12. When you're sat on a long train journey and your ipod battery dies. Argh!

13. Not being able to get warm, even when you are wearing a million layers and sat on a radiator

14. Equally, when you're boiling hot, and can't cool down, even when you're just in your birthday suit

15. An irritating song gets in your head, and it just wont leave you alone, something like...."Agadoo doo doo push pineapple shake a tree...."

16. Lolly pop sticks...(the wooden ones. Scare the beejesus out of me, especially when mean people find it funny to chase you round the park with them..)

17. Orange sweets. Get them away from me.

18. Technology. Its always got a vendetta against me. So I will stop pretending to like it just so the computer doesn't crash on me. I really hate you computer. With a passion.

19. Spots...Pimples. Whatever. Why won't they ever just piss off. I'm 25 not 15 and I have had enough to last me a lifetime.

20. Lists that people make of everything they hate. Oh shit, wait a second....

xxx

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Brain is full. This entry isn't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIEOZCcaXzE

 This song is making me dance around the room (well, dance in my chair...) It reminds me of nights out with Fran, Laura and Ruth. Jumping around and generally being the crazy girls that we are together...I miss that. I miss you....xxx

So much stuff in my head tonight. I just don't think I can be bothered to write it all out...This Valium is seriously making me even more sleepy than usual. Didn't think that was possible, but apparently, it is!

I cried for the second time in 7 months today...

A breakthrough?

Who knows.
xxx

Monday, 4 July 2011

Oh knickers

I'm kind of losing track of the days at the moment. I think its Tuesday. But it might be Sunday, or Monday come to think of it. But to be perfectly honest, who really cares...! Unless you have days of the week underwear and then you might get a bit muddled or very organised. Do people actually have those? I wonder...maybe they are an urban myth..And why do people wear them? Is it to remember what day it is? So everytime you look at your bum you can say, oh yes, it is Tuesday, how could I forget. Or is it to get the feeling of slight rebellion by wearing Friday's knickers on Monday, or something crazy like that. Who knows. Again, who cares? I'm just a little intrigued and maybe a tiny bit fascinated.....Either way, I would never want the day of the week emblazoned across my bum thank you very much......

Have I really been wittering on about knickers for a whole paragraph?

Oh lordy.

One of my blog followers recommended this tune to me yesterday... And I can't stop listening to it...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okqm0yRxxDE&feature=relmfu It is totally addictive. The video is very cheeky. But the song is amazing, especially when you play it really really LOUD and close your eyes a little bit.

I'm a bit spaced out today.

Spaced out and stuck.

Stuck in limbo land.

xxx

Sunday, 3 July 2011

pill popping

Lots of sleeping time today...And yet, strangely, I'm still a very tired little lady. Yawn.

First day without anti-depressants before my changeover to the new medication. But fear not, I have been prescribed with some Valium to get me through the week... I'm not allowed to operate heavy machinery (no hoovering), my driving skills could be impaired (as I don't have a licence, it can't really get any worse), I'm not allowed to drink alcohol (detox time, bugger), and I may feel drowsy (whats new?)

That's the advice according to the booklet in the packet anyway. Also, apparently I need to make sure I don't get addicted to them. How can you possibly make sure you don't get addicted to something?? Its not like I might start taking them with the intention of becoming addicted. Silly piece of paper that makes no sense!

xxx

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Clapham

Blogging is back.

I have the Internet.

And a brain full of stories.

Some of them funny....and not many of them interesting....(what an incentive for you to keep reading....!)

I'm back at the ranch in the west country. My week away is over.

 And I am now referring to it as my week in Clapham. Not London. Because apart from an evening in Balham and an afternoon ind Wandsworth....(both within walking distance...) I failed to venture out of Clapham. All the grand ideas for visiting galleries and spinning in the Turbine hall never happened...

To be truthful, I just wasn't well enough. Just being somewhere different was a challenge in itself so I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it....

There have been some definite distraction techniques used this week...Nadal, of course being the number 1 distraction...(I think I might just be a little bit addicted.....)

Oh and what other distractions have there been....

Pitta bread and houmus. That has been the staple food choice this week. Yum. And wine...defo wine has featured this week...And cider. Oh dear. Probably much too much of both...

A whole lot of staring out of the window has also been done. Especially at the slightly odd older gentleman neighbour who I've discovered is particularly partial to sunbathing in his speedos at 9am in the morning. I say sunbathing...actually, even when it was cloudy he seemed to be out there. Top off, belly out, loud and proud. I must admit I admired his sense of confidence...and nothing else...!

People have been fun distractions this week. Well, I say people, that sounds a little impersonal. So lets go for friends instead. Who have looked after me, made me laugh, and generally speaking, have made the whole trip worthwhile.

Particular hilarity was found with Charlie and Ben...(seriously guys, if you ever need a housekeeper can I have first refusal? Genuine pleasure was gained from hoovering with Henry, folding Ben's pants and cooking you both dinner...)

Julia and Fish....Shells on noses, prawns on fingers...We were the life and soul of that bar..(mainly because it was empty at 3 in the afternoon...) Also massive laughs when asked if we were celebrating the end of our A Level exams..Ha! I don't even use antiwrinkle cream! It must just be the look of complete innocence and naivety on all 3 of our faces....Defo...

Hmmm who else has made me giggle this week?

Oh yes, the gorgeous Miss Bradley of course. How could I forget your lovely smile. And your overgrown garden. A trip to the jungle, it was very exciting!

And now I feel like this entry is turning into a bit of a who's who in Clapham. But its not. And genuinely, when I've had an awfully massive, head splitting, mental, huge big black dog day..people can make a difference. When all that's going through my brain is, "Whats the point...You're not worth anything"...etc etc general shit depression stuff... Then its people that have managed to make me smile. Although this goes against my theory of having to rescue and rely on yourself...Hmmm. Walking contradiction? I think I might just be! But I know what I mean....Even if no-one else does.

Some things about this week have been shitty and scary. But I've got through them. And the hardest things I've got through on my own. I've found some little nuggets of hope to cling on to. And I'm still here.

So maybe it is a combination. Ultimately you have to rescue yourself, but other people can make the journey a little smoother. A bit more interesting. And hopefully a bit more hilarious too....

Which reminds me of my random Thursday evening...When I suddenly found myself having a mini Lufbra reunion (well tiny really, all of 3 people...) drinking vodka and playing charades until 2am in  the morning...If only I had filmed Trigs rendition of Billy Elliot. Those pirouette's and balletic stretching exercises were nothing short of comedy genius...Partly due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed...but mainly because of his general macho persona that was suddenly consumed by all things balletic...Could of been a YouTube phenomenon...!

xxx