Thursday, 28 July 2011

Tears

 Not really sure where to start today.

I'm super tired but there is quite a lot going on in my brain.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he has put me on some new drugs. And a little bit of Valium to get me through the next few weeks.

Feeling a little bit of an emotional wreck. After 6 months of not crying, now I can't seem to stop the tears from spurting out of my eyeballs. I think I might be creating a small flood here in Saltford. And its those really big weepy hiccupy tears. I remember when I was little and I used to fall over (which was quite a lot, permanent scabs on my knees...) the pain was always so unbearable. Probably the shock too. I would be crying, and kind of gasping for breath, and shaking a little bit too, clinging onto my Mama. Well, fast forward twenty years, and I seem to be reliving these tearful situations. The only difference being is the pain just seems to be even more savage. The wounds have gone deeper. And I just can't believe that they will ever heal. That I will ever heal. I honestly can't imagine ever being rid of this illness. Its like a curse. The curse of the black dog (and other tales..) hmmm that sounds like a title of a book...!

I'm also constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up at any second. My stomach is in such a tight knot. I know I hold so much tension in my tummy. When I start to cry, it bubbles up from my stomach, and I almost feel like I'm throwing up. How gross is that? Hope you're not eating whilst reading this....Apologies if you are tucking into something tasty....! Ryvita and pitta bread are my only dietary requirements at present. When I feel sick all the time, I really don't want to eat, but I know I have to force something down that little throat of mine.

x

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