It's good to write it down

Beautiful sunshine and sunsets this today.

Had a lovely couple of days seeing friends, so today I had a quiet chilled time in the sunshine, getting lost in a book.

(Oh btw if you hadn't already guessed I'm trying out new fonts haha.)

And I also still haven't gotten into the habit of blogging every day, I'm still building it into my routine.

I know its good for me, a time dedicated for contemplation and reflection. To laugh at my daily discombobulations, and to remember that this is a time of transition.

That it won't last forever.

Impermanence, is a very helpful word and I hold onto it.

It reminds me that the light isn't lost, that things will change.

That the right job is out there for me.

That today is a gift,  search for the joy in it (even if its a packet of strawberry laces, or singing the Indigo Girls at the top of you voice, or basking in the sunshine and imagining your back in Thailand), and tomorrow will come.

 

Back to blogging

Well that was a longer hiatus than I had intended. 

Almost 5 years.

A lot has happened.

I've changed.

The world has changed.

But some things remain the same.

I still love marmite, diet coke and fizzy strawberry laces (not mixed together, I'm not that mad.)

My favourite colour will be pink until the day I die.

And there is nothing better than the feeling of your bare feet on the earth, in the grass, sand, amongst the waves, grounding your self back into nature, toe by toe.

So why am I blogging again, and will I keep it up this time?

Not sure on the answer to the second part of the question I've posed myself, but I think I will keep it up, mainly because I need to write, and its a good habit for me. 

Which leads me to answer the first part of my question, why am I blogging again, why oh why because I am a scrappy little vagabond who needs to keep her brain active. 

I have so many thoughts, so much stuff in my head (mostly fluff and nonsense) its hard to make sense of it all. But writing helps. It always helps. 

And this job hunting malarky, I tell you what, its not easy. Its a marathon. In fact I feel like I'm back in the dreaded days of cross country running at school in the freezing cold, wearing nothing but a flimsy tshirt and blue gym knickers (so gross), getting a stitch and wishing I was back in my warm cosy bed.

I always wish I was back in my warm cosy bed haha.

Taking redundancy and a sabbatical has been the best thing I've ever done, and I wouldn't change it. That's something I need to remember. 

I know that job searching was always going to be something of a rollercoaster ride, I just need to make sure I'm strapped in. Ha. That was corny but I liked it. And what I mean is continuing to do all the things that I'm currently doing to keep my depression and anxiety manageable.

Thing like making sure I have time in nature, painting, writing, listening to comedy, watching old films, spending time with people who value and love me and making sure I don't turn into a bearded old hermit. 

The black dog barks so loudly, and I'm using all my strength to keeping him in his kennel. Its going to be a challenging few weeks coming up, but I know I can do it. I have to keep fighting. I have fought so long to find myself again I'm not going to let that filthy mutt have his way. I will find the right job and laugh in his face and do a little jig 😍

2 years and counting

Its been over 2 years since I last wrote an entry.
And quite a lot has changed.
Firstly, I'm no longer Susie Burborough.
Susie Piggott is back.
But this is not the time nor the place to discuss these things. 
Suffice to say, I'm me again.
Secondly,  I'm zooming around with an actual career now, which is rather exciting.
And thirdly, I now live in a little flat in Bristol.

So why have I suddenly started writing again?

Well, even if no-one reads this, I need to get back to the things that help my wonky brain.

And writing was always one of those things.

Over the past year I have been in survival mode.

And I've survived.

But now is the time to think and reflect about my life and what it means to be 32, divorced, and living with depression. Because I'm not really sure.

And I don't expect to find all the answers through writing. I just know it helps.

I also think its important for anyone who used to read this to know that although on the outside I might look like I've got my shit together, I'm still living with depression.

Yes its no-where near as bad as it used to be, but its still a battle that I undertake on a daily basis. Not that I'm looking for sympathy or anything like that. Merely that if you're struggling too, I want to remind you to hold onto hope. Because sometimes, that's all we've got x

Mind vs Body

Just checked my blog stats and absolutely amazed that although I'm not writing on here regularly, people are still reading, thank you! 

I hope you've been able to decipher my ramblings and maybe even find a little comfort.

Last night I didn't sleep (which is always rather irritating) but it was especially irritating last night as my brain was spiraling into the most horrible of circles.

Before I divulge what was going through my brain, I should give you the current back story; that I have been trying/failing, to lose weight and get fit. At the weekend I weighed myself and I have gained 2 stone in 2 years, which was something of a shock and I pretty much fell off the scales.

Anyway, the conversation I was having with myself in bed went something like this....

Susie 1: "Right, I need to stop messing around and just go on another diet and get a personal trainer and become superwoman."

Susie 2: "When would you ever have time to do any exercise? You're constantly knackered Also you don't like feeling out of breath as it reminds you of having a panic attack."

Susie 1: "Just do it. You have fat legs and your clothes don't fit."

Susie 2: "It takes all my energy to look after my brain and keep that healthy. I don't think I have room in my head to keep my body healthy as well, its too much!"

Susie 1: "You've forgotten that exercise will help your depression. Get it sorted!"

Susie 2: "Honestly I'm too tired, I need to concentrate on looking after my mind."

Susie 1: "But if you lost weight then you would feel better about your body."

Susie 2: "Nah, don't think so, no matter what I weigh I would still hate the way I look."

And so the debate continues. 

I think keeping my mind healthy is the most important, but keeping active would also help my mind. I just need to stop myself getting obsessed with it all.

Which is what I'm already doing.

When I haven't even done anything.

Classic Sooz!

A balance between the mind and body would be perfect.

But perfection is pretty impossible to achieve.

Especially when you're a perfectionist...........!

x

Living with depression

Good afternoon one and all.

It has, once again, been rather a while since I have blogged, but I have had a few things turning round in my little brain recently, so I thought it was about time I started typing.

I've been reflecting on the past 5 years of my life and thinking how dramatically things have changed. 

It led me to think about how things have changed with my depression, and how although I am so much better now, the black dog still refuses to leave my side completely.

I guess I want to try and explain how I manage life now. How I live with my depression.

Firstly, I've had to accept that depression and anxiety will always be part of my life. I will never be rid of them for ever. I've also had to accept that its likely that I will have to stay on my medication long term. I know that I need the medication to level out my brain (or whatever the scientific term is.) Its not been a magical pill that has solved everything, but just as a diabetic need insulin to survive, I need my anti-depressants.

I never imagined that I would be able to work full time again, yet now I am in a job I love working 40 hours a week. Madness really.

But I have to put certain things in place to make sure that I don't get burnt out and frazzled. (Because when I'm over-tired, the black dog just loves to bark in my ear.)

For example, in the week, I would love to go out after work, catch up with friends and do other bits and bobs of socialising. However, I can't. It would just be too much for me. After spending all day talking to customers and putting all my mental energy into work, the evenings are specifically reserved for being a zombie. Lying on the sofa and zoning out. Its annoying, and rather frustrating, but its just the way it has to be right now.

I haven't had a full time job for over 5 years and I'm still adjusting to balancing things out.

So friends and family, please don't be offended by my lack of communication in the week. Its not that I don't think about you, or want to talk to you or see you. Its just my brain can only take so much. And at the end of the day my brain tank is full to bursting and I can't process anything else.

When I'm in this zombie like state in the evening its very tempting to reach for a refreshing glass of wine...But I have to try and stop myself. Its so easy to get into the routine of drinking in the week, but its just not good for my brain. I have to try and find other ways of relaxing.

Which leads me to colouring....I think I have mentioned this before but over the past few months I have discovered colouring books and they are just super duper. A great way to chill me out and focus my energy on something mindless and comforting.

I'm also still knitting away and my new addiction is Wordcrack on the ipad. (I'm beginning to sound like a Grandma I know.)

Having a routine also helps me manage my anxiety levels. Even when I was really poorly I tried to have a routine within the week. I find it reassuring and grounding. Although sometimes I become so reliant on my routine I freak out when things don't go as I expect. Something that I'm working on to improve...

I also want to try and bring some sort of exercise into my routine....I have done a spot of hula hooping in the living room but that's about as far as things have got...

I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. I think the difference now compared to a few years ago is that knowledge that a bad day will pass. Or even if its a bad week, at some point that will pass too. And that's what I have to hold on to. When things were really bad 5 years ago, I couldn't give myself that reassurance as it just felt like I was sinking into an eternal darkness.

As always, I'm not sure if I really have a point or conclusion. Perhaps I'm wondering how people perceive me, whether they think from the outside I look like things are all tickety-boo. When actually each day is still a battle for me. I have to keep praying for the strength to get through each day. And maybe that will never change. I couldn't do it on my own. And not without the big J.C.

xxx

A few more changes...

So it would seem that whilst I was writing my last blog, without knowing it, I must have been having some special sixth sense powers (maybe now is the time to play the lottery.) I was writing about change, and who would have guessed (not moi), but my life was about to change even more....


Phewy its rather exhausting.

But exciting.

And a little bit scary.

Rather like the first day of school, when you're worried that your skirt might get tucked in your knickers or you'll call your teacher 'Mum'.

I was quite tempted to get my stationary supply organised and buy a new pencil case, but I didn't want to look too much of a keen bean. (And I wasn't sure where you even buy a pencil case now to be honest...)

I guess its just all proof, once again, of how things can change in your life that your mind could never even imagine (and I've got a pretty good imagination!) I mean, I never thought I would work again, and yet I've had a part time job for the past 18 months. Then I thought I would never work full time again, and here I am, working full time. Not that your life should be measured on these things. No no. Not at all. But its still pretty incredible.

Anywho. Enough about that.


Oh no, hang on, I forgot my other point.

I realize there is rather a lot of political stuff flying around at the moment, what with the general election coming up and everything. So I won't bombard you with politics too much. However, a comment was uttered last week in the televised debate that I wanted to highlight. When talking about the NHS Mr Clegg expressed a hope and belief that the mental health department should be given as much funding and support as physical health.

And I just wanted to say hurrah! Well said! And all six leaders should have given him a pat on the back! 

This is where change is most definitely needed. We need to stop the stigma surrounding mental health, and be the change :)

xxx

Changing

Oh gosh, has it really been almost a month since my last post? Must try harder. However, my life has been rather taken over with things like painting walls and packing boxes....

As I walked up the road this evening, I began to think about change. I'm about to embark on a change in my life, a very nice and lovely exciting change, but whilst some change can feel positive, I do think its also important to address some of the other issues that change can bring up.

Am I making sense?

Possibly not.

But I shall continue nevertheless.

Let me give you an example, someone I know is planning to move out of the house they've lived in for the past 30 years. This person (who shall remain nameless, although some readers may know said person) has been incredibly brave and positive as she goes through this huge change. She has told me how lucky she is to have such a supportive family to help her through this change and she knows that its the right decision. 

I told her just how courageous I thought she was for making this decision. However, although its great to be positive, if some days she woke up and felt a little sad or unsettled about the approaching change, she should embrace that too.

The important point being not to repress any feelings that you have, or not feel guilty about having them. To understand that even positive change can bring about restless or anxious feelings.

And it would seem that its not just me, or the unnamed person above who is going through change at the moment, because of course change is happening all the time.

Our life on earth is fluid, it never stays still, things are always changing. 

Sometimes change can come creeping up on us, gradually poking its head round the corner. Alternatively, our lives can change in an instant, sometimes shocking us to the core.

Whichever change you may be going through, I think the critical point is recognizing all the many elements of that the change can bring.

On the other hand, you may be reading this and thinking "What is this girl wittering on about, my life hasn't changed at all!"

Let me tell you this my friend, change will come to you,  as it comes to all of us. Three years ago I didn't imagine my life would ever change, but it has. Just like the hopeful snowdrops that battle through the winter to remind us that a change of season is on its way, so will your life.

xxx

Meercat in residence

So I'm a few days late in terms of wishing you all a happy new year...whoops.

Happy belated new year?!

Nah it doesnt really work does it.

Nevermind.

You've probably had enough new year wishes by now anyway. Especially when they come from your TV (which I think is so rude, when you think about it, really think about it, commercials are just so impolite.)

I particularly hate the adverts that love shouting "New year, NEW YOU!!" Followed by promoting the latest in plastic surgery/weight loss/ laser eye surgery/new flashy car/ disgusting sofa from DFS. Yuk. That stuff really does make me feel a little bit sick in my mouth.

Christmas and new year is never my best time, but I managed to survive, and even have a little bit of fun on the way.

However, my anxiety levels have peaked over the last month. Which resulted in my heart palpations being so bad in the middle of the night I thought I was having a heart attack and was going to die.

Sounds a tad dramatic I know, and I can kind of see the funny side now, (the funny side being that I’m a relatively healthy 28 yr old, and therefore unlikely to have a heart attack.) 

But still, it wasn’t that amusing at the time.

I think that a culmination of things have led to my anxiety spiralling out of control recently. I’ve got a lot going on in my little brain, and I seem to be worrying about everything.

 Also, although most people like to be out of their routine during the festive period, I find it really difficult. Which is both daft and annoying because I love having time off, but I hate not being in my routine, so my brain gets all confused.

There have been many occasions recently when I just havent known how I'm going to get through each day. When all I've wanted to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep. 

I feel so weak and tired. But my brain wont stop turning. I'm like a small little anxious meercat who keeps scampering around in circles, looking up every second, double checking things, and generally going slightly crazy.

Haha that image is kind of making me chuckle now, oh I am somewhat ridiculous.

Right, I'm now going to try and shed my meercat persona at a dance class....it may help...or I may get anxious about forgetting how to dance.....!

xxx

7 tips for surviving Christmas

In my last blog I had the idea of writing down a few of my tips to survive the festive season.... so lets see if I can come up with anything....

Take each day at a time, don't think about tomorrow.

This is one of my mantras that I try and say to myself all year round, but it seems to come in particularly useful at Christmas.

For example, if I let me brain spiral, I would begin to worry about work tomorrow, about cooking the Christmas dinner, and generally how on earth I'm going to get through the next week without smacking someone round the head with a Christmas cracker.

However, I have to build a wall in my mind, a huge blockade to stop those thoughts. Thinking about the next few days is detrimental to my mood, so I just have to fight against it, keep building the wall, and just get through each day at a time.

Try not to keep checking Facebook every five minutes.

This tip is equally tricky, especially if you're anything like me and you love being nosy and seeing what everyone else is getting up to.

But seeing peoples posts about what a wonderful time they're having isn't always going to make you feel marvelous. In fact, it will probably make you feel rather shitty. That is, if you feel a little bit shitty in the first place. If that makes sense. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against people posting about all the lovely things that they might be doing over the festive season, I just think its worth protecting yourself if your brain is feeling a little wonky.

And it leads me on to my next point....

Remember that other people are struggling too.

I touched on this in my last blog, but I must mention it again as its pretty darn important.

Don't forget that you're not the only one struggling with the festive season. There are hundreds of other people out there finding it hard, for a multitude of reasons. Even the people that seem like they are having a super duper time, may actually be screaming inside. You just never know.

Why not get in touch with someone else you know who is having a tough time? Give them a text and you can bitch about Christmas together. A good old moan always makes you feel a little better.


I probably shouldn't say this but....Take advantage of the fact that Christmas is the only time of year when its acceptable to drink alcohol any time of day, every day.

Obvs I'm not encouraging mass drinking, and alcohol shouldn't be relied upon in any way (believe me, I know) but having the odd cheeky drink may just relax you slightly.

Have a nap. Go for a walk. Take some time just for you.

We all need to have space, and at Christmas I think its even more important. 

Napping is also a very acceptable activity to do at Christmas. As is going for a walk....I would use the , "Oh I'm so full from all the turkey, I need some fresh air" excuse. Pop your headphones in and stomp round the block for half an hour.

Ask older relatives to tell you about Christmas during the war.

This is mainly a distraction technique to pass the time, as they will probably talk for hours telling you how things were so much simpler in 'their day'. However, it should also prove interesting and you might just learn a thing or two. 

Hit someone on the head with a Christmas cracker if they tell you to cheer up or count your blessings.

Not only will it teach them a lesson, it will also make you feel much better.

xxx

Fill in the blanks

I've noticed lately that I have a few new readers (hello to you!) So I thought it might be fitting to provide you with some very important (or not quite so important) information about moi.

Or...

I'm bored/fed of being coughing/thought it would be mildly amusing to steal Heat magazines celeb back page feature, 'fill in the blanks'.

This morning I woke up... had a coughing fit for half an hour, and then fell back to sleep.

The last time I got drunk... was a few weeks ago, but I wasn't really drunk. Just tipsy drunk. The last time I was drunk drunk was at a wedding in the summer. Too. Much. Rose.

The funniest text I ever received... was probably from my friend Fran. She's a pretty funny lady.

I'm not very good at... exercise. It makes me feel sick just thinking about going to the gym. Yuk.

I keep having dreams about... My gorgeous old dog Bella, she died 3 years ago but visits me in my dreams a couple of times a week. We have cuddles and run across a beach together.

When I look in the mirror, I see... a bland face that looks like a digestive biscuit.

One thing I've never admitted to anyone is... I enjoy listening to the travel reports on BBC2. I like to visualize a map of Britain in my head and think whether I've been to the places they mention. Actually, I did tell Mr B this once and he thought it was a little bit weird.

My worst habit is... smoking, amongst many many other things.

I mostly smell of... my lovely new Liz Earle perfume that I won in a Bridal competition, it smells like springtime. 

If I could eat one food for the rest of my life... it would have to be marmite on toast. I'm not that fussed about food, so I could definitely do this challenge!

My best friend thinks that I'm... a little bit of a fruitloop. 

The least 'me' song on one of my playlists is... non existent. My music taste is so eclectic and varied I cant think of anything on my ipod that isn't 'me'. 

The last thing that I Googled was... P L Travers. I watched 'Saving Mr Banks' yesterday, and I wanted to see how much of the film was true.

Well that was fun.
What next?
Maybe I'll go and listen to the travel report whilst eating some marmite on toast for tea....
xxx

Its all codswallop

Joy of joys, once again I have been struck down with the lurgy. (Insert hacking cough and snot here.)

I wont bore you with the details, but the most annoying thing of all is that I couldnt go and visit my sister and my gorgeous nephews this weekend. 

Massive sad panda face.

It got me to thinking about when a couple of years ago, when I was in hermit mode. I hardly went out  of the house, and so I didnt get any colds or lurgy like illnesses. 

Although my brain was pretty poorly.

But because I didnt have much contact with actual real life humans, I didnt get contaminated with all their nasty germs.

 And now my brain is doing lots better, I'm out and about once again (hurrah for that.) My nose and  body just seem to be the place where all the germs like to come and visit. (My nostrils are pretty large, maybe thats the reason...)

Anyway.... enough snot stories.

How are we all finding the run up to Christmas?

Do you feel bombarded with cheerfulness at every turn? Do you think everyone else is going to have the perfect Christmas apart from you?

Well, if so, do not fear, for you are not alone.

Christmas is never my best time of year, I would quite like to hibernate for the majority of December (and wake up for a festive mulled wine or something.) Just the fact that I find it difficult makes me feel guilty. 

But knowing that I'm not the only person who finds it difficult makes me feel a little bit better about it. If that makes sense. 

Sure, people might be boasting on facebook about getting all their shopping done, how amazing their turkey cooking skills are, but I reckon, if you just scratch under the surface, they've got their own struggles and battles to fight too.

Do not believe all the codswallop that clogs up your newsfeed.

Perhaps I should make a list of my top tips for surviving christmas... that could be interesting...

But for now, I will make the most of feeling yukky, and climb into my bed for some well earned sleep. (Oooo maybe my wish has inadvertently come true, and its time for my hibernation!)

xxx

Spin the wheel

Today has been a wonky brain day.

I could feel the greyness slowly creeping over me in the night, and as soon as I woke up I knew the black dog would be barking loudly.

I have battled through, resisting the urge to curl up in bed and go to sleep (although that will be happening soonish.)

Sometimes I think that my brain has one of those wheel of fortune spinners, it goes, click click click, deciding whether to land on 'bad depression day' or 'good depression day'. 

 At one point, my brain couldnt even spin the wheel, it was just stuck on bad, bad, baddest, worst.

Each day is a random spin, which can often be rather tricky. Particuarly as I like to plan things, get organised, and when I have a bad day, plans can just get thrown out of the window. Its frustrating.

Frustrating for me.

Frustrating for others.

Frustrating for you having to read this!

Pah.

Ha!

Anyway...

Tomorrow is a new day.

Thats what I have to hold on to.

(And the fact that I can have nice long lie in... HURRAH!)

xxx

P.S if you havent already heard it, check out my radio interview

https://soundcloud.com/susanna-piggott/radio-interview-at-bbc-bristol?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=twitter

Time to tune in

The place I would most like to be right now is snuggled up in my cosy bed....oh that old trusty friend is beckoning to me again...

But I must endeavor to resist and instead tell you all of some exciting news...(unless I have already told you, in which case, you will just have to get excited for the second time today...)

Tomorrow morning (10:10am to be precise) I will be on BBC radio Bristol having a little chinwag with Dr Phil Hammond about this very blog.

Fancy that.

If you want to tune in and hear my funny old voice then either tune into 94.9 fm if you're local or click on this link, and you should be able to listen online.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radiobristol

I'm trying to jot a few things down just incase my brain decides to shut down and forget everything...(how embarrassing would that be?!)

As unlikely as this is, I wanted to make sure now (incase I have a sudden bout of amnesia) that I say a big thank you to each and every one of you for reading this strange little blog of mine.

Its been almost four years now since I started writing (yes really, four, how scary is that?!) And your support and encouragement has kept me going through the darkest times.

I never imagined that this would be such a long running chapter of my life, but as ever, I'm overwhelmingly grateful to you all for continuing to follow this.

I can only hope that it has brought you some understanding, comfort, support, and maybe even the odd giggle. 

Oh and of course not forgetting my fav all time word/theme/obsession...that in some small way it has brought you HOPE.

Keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow!

xxx

Hold on to hope

Last night Mr B read me a blogpost I had written about 3 years ago. He wanted to remind of how far I can come. 

Hearing those words made me think about about all the little things that have helped in my recovery. It also made me wonder what would I say to my 25 year old self, drowning in the darkness. Would that girl listen to me? Or would she ignore me? Would she even believe me?

I know there are many people out there who are struggling with the black dog. The black dog tells you that you will never get better, that no-one cares, that there is no point in trying. But I want to tell you that the black dog is lying. His voice is strong, loud, and all consuming, but he's not telling you the truth.

In any kind of recovery, whether it be physical or mental, there is the age old saying that 'time is the greatest healer'. But when you have been struggling for so long, you cannot begin to imagine that this might be true. It seems like a cheesy line from a film, or a book, some kind of fantasy that doesnt sit anywhere in your own reality.

I never believed that time was a healer. I dismissed it as a fantasy. 

However, looking back over the past 4 years, I can say that time has been a healer. The many days, months and years that have gone by, have all contributed to my recovery. It didnt seem like it at the time. It seemed like an endless stretch of days full of numbing pain, but gradually, little by little, things changed, and the wounds in my mind began to heal.

Some people are against taking medication, I'm not one of them, but I remember the time when I was so fed up with my anti-depressants not working, that I began to lose my faith in them too.

When it comes to medication, I think the important thing to remember is that there are so many different kinds of anti-depressants, and it is your doctors job to find the right one for you. It took my doctors and psychiatrists over 12 months to find the right drug for me, and I had got to a point when I had nothing to lose. I said to myself, "well I may as well give it a try, whats the worst that can happen." I had to force myself to take a chance, a leap of faith, and luckily, it worked. 

I think it was in the film Shawshank Redemption when Red says to Andy Dufrane, "Hope is a dangerous thing." Well Red, you are wrong my friend. Oh so wrong. For hope is the only thing. 

Hope keeps us afloat. It keeps us from sinking into the darkness. 

Without hope I would not be here.

Hope is the light inside our soul that begs us to keep living.

Hope tells us not to give up.

Hope is tomorrow.

Hope is the voice in your head that can shout louder than the black dog, you just have to tune in.

Hope allows us to believe. 

Please hold on.

Hope.

xxx

Don't forget, anticipate, defend.

Note to self: When you are physically unwell, your mental health often seems to follow the same path.

Why do I never remember this?

I dont know if this is the same for everyone or maybe its just me, but whenever I get some kind of disgusting virus, it seems to be the prime time for the black dog to pounce.

I've been poorly for almost a week now, and quite frankly, I am a more than a little bit fed up with it. Well, I should  say I do feel a tiny bit more human like today, but anyway, I had to miss a party on Saturday which was incredibly irksome.

Mr B had been a legendary nurse, putting up with my snotty snot rags and my gross hacking cough. And I will of course be recommending him for the Queens new years honours list (defo think he's got a chance of an MBE this year.)

And so, I've basically lost my thread entirely now....

Oh yes I remember.....

When I'm physically ill, it gives me too much time to think about things. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I over-think things anyway. So basically, its a double whammy over-thinking about things nightmare. Lets just say the phrase 'over thinking about things again'. I feel the more I write it, the more you will understand the spiralling confusion that happens in my brain.

(NB that paragraph was meant to confuse you. I'm not just shit at writing. Honestly.)

The black dog seems to sense that my defenses are down, that I dont have the usual things to distract me. 

I've been lying in my bed, trying to get well, yet my brain starts worrying, which turns to gettting anxious, and then turns into paranoia and feeling guilty.

Friday and Saturday were my first days off ill in over year, and I felt almost as sick with guilt for not being there as I did being actually unwell. Which is ridiuclous. I was ill, there was nothing I could do about it, these things happen, and there was no way I could work, but the black dog loves to pile guilt onto me, and I'm powerless to do anything.

HOWEVER, I am finally starting to feel a little better. Take that black dog. In your FACE. 

I just need to remember that next time I'm suffering physically, the black dog is more likely to come sniffing around. So I can be ready to punch him in the face. Or roll over and go back to sleep. Either option would work really.

xxx

Forever

Once again the world has shifted.

Its tilted.

Changed.

And I cant write this blog without mentioning why.

Last week a friend of mine passed away.

She was young. She was beautiful. She always made me laugh. She was Rach.

And now I have to say was.




When anybody passes away its always distressing, but when someone so young leaves this world, I just cant get my head around it. It was only last year that my school friend Luke also tragically passed away. 

I wasn't best friends with either Luke or Rach, but they both touched my life in ways that I cant really begin to explain.

Perhaps that's what I find so hard to comprehend,  that neither will ever know the positive impact they made on the lives of so many people.

 Yet all I can do is pray for her family, pray for those closest to her, and hold on to my belief that she is in a better place. Whilst remembering that she will forever live on in the hearts and memories of so many people...

The past few days I've been spending with my bestie pal Laura, which have been really special.

 But today every dark and depressing feeling and thought seems to have crept up on me. 

It seems that the only thing to keep the black dog away is to keep on making pom poms (in an ever so slightly obsessive way.) And continue to watch episodes of Greys Anatomy. (Much easier to find comfort in imaginary drama, than to face the thoughts in my own head.)

I keep on writing words and deleting them now. My head is rather mushed up and unsure what to say... But I like this song, the words seem to fit, so lets listen to this instead...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQi8wEHMm5Y

xxxx

anXiOuS

My mind is once again spiraling out of control, and I've found myself drawn towards my blog, in the hope of easing some of my anxiety.

I have various little tips and tricks that can help with my anxiety....

Trying not to think too much about the future (a toughie but a goody.)

Keeping my hands busy when trying to relax (knitting, loom bands, or even just playing good old fashioned solitaire.)

Writing things down (because I get anxious that I'm forgetting all the VERY IMPORTANT things I need to do.)

However, despite having these little tricks up my sleeve, that do help me from day to day, over the past few weeks my anxiety doesnt seem to be improving. 

Even as I write this, I can hear the voices of people saying to me, "Moving house is the most stressful thing you will ever do, you're not the only one."  Or, "Every bride feels anxious before their wedding, its completley normal." 

Much as these words are meant to reassure me and ease my state of anxiety, they just dont. Because actually, what I want is a magic wand to change my brain and make me a really totally chilled out person. Yes. Yes I do. 

I want to be like, "Dude, I'm moving house, but its so cool, I dont care if the walls aren't painted, its like whatever man. Lets just all chill out."

I really dont want to feel sick 90% of the time anymore either. Its not very fun. (And before you think it, no I'm not pregnant!) I either hold my anxiety in my stomach or my neck and jaw. The physical symptoms of anxiety love to make an apperance, and so I either feel like vomiting 24/7, or I have a permanent headache. Oh and my hands are stupidly shaky at the moment. Rather glad I'm not a waitress actually. That would be BAD.

I also have huge problems making very simple decisions. Such as, what meals shall I cook this week? This dilemma probably took me over an hour earlier. I sat with my pen, my paper and dithered around all over the place. I even went on food websites (that was a first,  but to be honest, it confused me even more.) And I still havent decided what to buy from the supermarket. Oh well. Maybe I should just throw together all the ingredients together from my cupboard and invent something new. That could have interesting results.

Anyway for now I'm going to go and have another fag. Yes yes, I know I shouldnt, but really, who would want to deprive an anxious wreck of a girl of her nicotine fix?? That would be a disaster! 

xxxxx

We must talk. We must change.

After a lovely relaxing week away, I thought I would be full of energy at work today. I had visions of myself bouncing around and everything. However, I seem to feel just as tired as before I went away....yawn.

How did that happen? (Answers on a postcard please.) 

Anyway..highlights of last week included...

• Feeding a giraffe (yeah, my hand was covered in gooey giraffe slobber, but I didn't care!)
• Seeing a baby elephant (I wanted to take it home but Mr B wouldn't let me.)
• Facing my fears and riding a big scary ride called the BLACK FLY (I have to write it in capitals so you can grasp just how scary it was.)
• Taking Mr B horse riding, and enjoying a lovely hack over the countryside together.

From these highlights you may think that we've been on a safari, or perhaps to Florida or some such exotic place, but no, we went to sunny Shropshire. And it was great. We also managed to spend some time with our extended families which was lots of fun.

Bit of a change of topic now, which hopefully wont be too controversial (just to keep you on your toes.)

Although I didn't get very much phone signal whilst away, I did hear the shocking news of Robin Williams' death.

My facebook news feed and twitter account were suddenly full of articles concerning suicide and mental health. 

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I didn't read any of them. (So really, I am making something of a contradiction in writing this, I do apologise.)

I feel like I should have.

But its just too hard. 

Because it takes me back to that place. To that day.

....................................................

I'm so glad that people have been able to share articles concerning mental health, and that through the tragedy of Williams' death, perhaps others may be helped.

However, I want it to be known, to be remembered and realised, that every suicide is a tragedy.

It is not just the celebrated and awarded souls that are secretly tormented. Its also the people around you.

 One in four of you.

The guy in the office who finds it difficult to talk to others.

The girl at the bus stop with her sleeves covering the cuts she's been making on her arms.

Every suicide is one too many.

Every suicide is a tragedy.

Every suicide is an illness.

We must talk.

We must change.

xxx

Mantra time

I hate it when writers use cliched phrases, but I am just about to use one, so please forgive me....

The last few weeks have been something of a roller-coaster ride. (Oh I really do hate that cliche, but my brain is struggling to find another suitable phrase.)

There have been amazing ups.....Getting the keys to our new house, YIPPEE! And also spending time with my sister, bro in law and nephew (playing on the slippy side was such fun.)

But there have also been quite a lot of days when I've just been fighting to get through each hour.

Its like waking up in the morning and being surrounded by heavy dense fog. Its everywhere, you cant get away from it. All you can do is  desperately try and find your way out of it. 

You logically know that the fog will eventually disappear, but when you're surrounded by it, you feel lost. You have to keep telling yourself to reach out for things that will help you find your way back into the light. 

Those things might be listening to a certain song, going for a walk, texting a friend, telling someone your brain has gone a bit wonky, or maybe even just giving yourself a little bit of space.

Before I started working again, I used to have several mantras that would help me through those foggy days. 

Last week I realized that I hadn't looked at them for a long time, and so I decided to write some new ones.

Here are a few of them.....

Don't worry about tomorrow.

Concentrate on today.

You are valued.

Look after YOU.

Let any negativity wash over you.

It might seem silly, a bit daft and maybe cheesy, but I've found them a really helpful tool. And maybe you will too....

xxx

Barking mad?

Well, I am currently lying on the floor as I type this. Reason being, my coccyx is still rather bruised, and I feel just cant seem to get comfy!

Anyway, just thought you should all know that...

Its also actually not that comfortable to type like this.

Hmm which is the lesser of the two evils, sore elbows or bruised bum? Tricky, very tricky.

Anyway (again, cant think of another word, my thesaurus seems to have disappeared tonight) I'm struggling with a few things at the mo, so thought I should get some of my thoughts on here and try to make sense of them....

The last few months have been pretty crazy, lots of fun and exciting things happening, which is lovely, but I've also been working extra hours at the salon, so I kind of feel overwhelmed. Yes, overwhelmed would be the right word.

I'm so mentally drained at the end of my week that on my days off, I'm a zombie who cant function.

I'm constantly fighting the black dog, and its exhausting.

I'm so terrified of sinking into the blackness, but there is nowhere to run to.

I think that's why I'm making so many flipping loom bands. Sounds silly, but those little elastic bands somehow seem to help my anxiety!

A lady at work today was asking me if I enjoyed being a hairdresser, and once I corrected her, and briefly filled her in on my life story (lucky thing), she told me that I still had so much time ahead of me to do whatever I wanted.

She was kind, thoughtful, and just lovely. But I couldn't help but feel that I had disappointed her. That I had somehow let her down. 

Which sounds ridiculous. 

And I don't even know her, so imagine how much I feel like I've let down and disappointed my friends and family.

Urgh.

The 'well' part of my brain tells me that I haven't wasted my twenties, and that good things have come out of my depression. That depression is an illness, that I take tablets for every day, and I will never be in exactly the same blackness again.

But the black dog tells me that I have wasted my university education, that I should have a proper 'career' by now, that I've failed by not doing so, and that I have made a mess of my life.

It gets even more confusing when I cant remember big chunks of the last 5 years, hell, I'm just going to call them the lost years.
The black dog tells me that I'm weak. Not capable. A loser. Nothing.

The black dog also tells me that I'm selfish and shouldn't even be writing this when there are real problems in the world.

I really want to hit the black dog.

Bastard.

xxx