Monday, 13 October 2014

Don't forget, anticipate, defend.

Note to self: When you are physically unwell, your mental health often seems to follow the same path.

Why do I never remember this?

I dont know if this is the same for everyone or maybe its just me, but whenever I get some kind of disgusting virus, it seems to be the prime time for the black dog to pounce.

I've been poorly for almost a week now, and quite frankly, I am a more than a little bit fed up with it. Well, I should  say I do feel a tiny bit more human like today, but anyway, I had to miss a party on Saturday which was incredibly irksome.

Mr B had been a legendary nurse, putting up with my snotty snot rags and my gross hacking cough. And I will of course be recommending him for the Queens new years honours list (defo think he's got a chance of an MBE this year.)

And so, I've basically lost my thread entirely now....

Oh yes I remember.....

When I'm physically ill, it gives me too much time to think about things. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I over-think things anyway. So basically, its a double whammy over-thinking about things nightmare. Lets just say the phrase 'over thinking about things again'. I feel the more I write it, the more you will understand the spiralling confusion that happens in my brain.

(NB that paragraph was meant to confuse you. I'm not just shit at writing. Honestly.)

The black dog seems to sense that my defenses are down, that I dont have the usual things to distract me. 

I've been lying in my bed, trying to get well, yet my brain starts worrying, which turns to gettting anxious, and then turns into paranoia and feeling guilty.

Friday and Saturday were my first days off ill in over year, and I felt almost as sick with guilt for not being there as I did being actually unwell. Which is ridiuclous. I was ill, there was nothing I could do about it, these things happen, and there was no way I could work, but the black dog loves to pile guilt onto me, and I'm powerless to do anything.

HOWEVER, I am finally starting to feel a little better. Take that black dog. In your FACE

I just need to remember that next time I'm suffering physically, the black dog is more likely to come sniffing around. So I can be ready to punch him in the face. Or roll over and go back to sleep. Either option would work really.


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