Friday, 31 January 2014

Foody food

'Lalala tralala dolala!' 

This a happy little song I'm singing because I have a nice full tummy from eating dairy free carbonara.

That I made myself.

Yeh.

That's right.

Go me.

I mean, its not a HUGE achievement. But, I don't really, generally speaking, enjoy eating that much.

Does that sound weird?

Probably.

I just find eating food is sometimes more of a chore than a pleasure.

Which is why I usually try and gobble my food down quickly so the chore is ended.

Strange I know.

I particularly don't like going out for dinner with people that I don't really know that well.

That is a stressful situation.

Choosing something from the MASSIVE menu.

Changing my mind 20 times before ultimately going for my 'safe option'.

Waiting for it to arrive.

Eating.

Worrying that the people I don't know are thinking I eat my food strangely.

Waiting for someone to CLEAR MY PLATE AWAY.

Worrying that the waiter lied and my dinner did have dairy in it and I'm going to explode.

Susie does not enjoy the experience.

Its even more anxiety inducing because you know you're supposed to be enjoying it and you're not...and then you feel guilty...and silly...oh and then you just spiral into the unknown depths of your crazy brain...!

Which is why I'm a boring Brian and only go to restaurants that I've been to before, with people that I already know.

Its a lot more fun!

xxx

Monday, 27 January 2014

Black dog in disguise

Regular readers will know that I often refer to my depression as the 'black dog'.

I think it was that wise old boy Winston Churchill, who first described his depression in this way, and there is also a brilliant book by Matthew Johnstone, which also uses this metaphor.

Any who, I have now discovered that the black dog likes to disguise himself. He is not just a black dog, but he can turn into a mouldy old rat too.

Confused?

Let me explain.

I came back from work on Saturday tired and worn out. My feet were aching, my back was aching, my brain was aching, you get the picture. But those things felt insignificant compared to the mangled and torn up creature inside of me.

It was as if a mouldy old rat had got right inside of my body, and was poisoning me.

I felt horrible inside.

Disgusting.

I wanted to scream and shout.

Scratch. Punish.

Bury myself in my bed and not come out again.

I could feel the creature cruelly manipulating each part of my body and my mind.

There was no logical reason for it. Yes, I was tired, but I had a relaxing evening with Mr B to look forward to, and the rest of the weekend.

Then I remembered that this was how the black dog liked to work. It liked to take over my mind when I was tired, trick me into submission, and dominate my world.

That's when I realised that the mouldy old rat must be the black dog in disguise. He'd just found a new way to get inside of me.

And once I had recognised what it was, I didn't feel quite so disgusting. I told Mr B too, and although most people would have thought I'm bonkers, he listened and understood.

Slowly, the mouldy old rat became smaller and I became bigger.

He turned up again today, but at least now I know who he is, I can get my rat trap out. Ha!

xxx






Sunday, 26 January 2014

A special moment

Oh nuts, has it really been almost a week since I last blogged?

Where does the time go?

I have no idea.

I think it disappears into a Narnia-like different time zone or something.

Hey ho.

I'm still here. Just yawning a bit.....(as per usual....)

Today has been a day for family. And a chance to catch up and see people who I haven't seen for a long time.

A very long time. 

Such a long time that in fact that I cant even remember when I last saw them.(Another Narnia-like time situation I think.)

Its been lovely seeing family.

Just lovely.

I feel so blessed to be part of such a large family.

Relations who have sent me emails, letters, messages and cards over the past few years when I have been at my very worst.

Little thoughts and messages that have meant so much to me.

I got to see my Grandpa Piggott today, and although he didn't remember who I was straight away, (he's quite a poorly chap nowadays) he did recognise me by the end of the visit declaring;

"My Granddaughter Susie!"

A special moment.

xxx





Monday, 20 January 2014

Black dog or Susie.

I've just been reading through some of my blog posts from this time last year.

And do you know what, I think some of them are kind of funny.

Not hilarious, not ROFL-ing (or whatever the abbreviation it is that the cool kids use), but sometimes witty and weird.

Its strange reading them back, because I forget that its me who has written the entry. Very absent minded of me I know, but it is confusing.

I think to myself: "Oooo hehe haha! This person is a good writer. What a wit they are. Ooo and they explained that well, I feel like that sometimes too."

But then I quickly remember: "Oh no, shit that's me writing, so there must be some sort of massive mistake in my brain because actually I cant write anything and I'm not funny and my grammar is awful, just like this really long sentence."

I do tend to argue with myself on a fairly regular basis...its an ongoing battle.  This is just another example of when I'm not entirely sure what's real and what's not real.

True or untrue.

Fact or fiction.

Real or imaginary.

Awake or dreaming.

Black dog or Susie.

xxx

Friday, 17 January 2014

Round in riddles

Almost at the end of a long and slightly crazy week.

My brain feels like it has been stretched beyond its capabilities, and I must admit I enjoyed resting it this afternoon.

Not that stretching my brain is a bad thing.

In fact, its all part of a lovely, fun, and exciting process. But combined with equal levels of stress.

Am I talking in riddles?

I do apologise.

And I don't mean to. Its just that although this blog is a way of expressing what is going on in my head, I don't always want to go into the fine details...

Does that make sense?

I do hope so.

I also have a bad habit of not wanting to write about things happening in my life until they are set in stone. Its a weird thing. A daft habit really. I just don't like looking (or feeling) like a plonker.

Which is unlikely.

But I am known to be plonker-like. Or get over-excited. Or paranoid.

So, I shall just try and rest my brain and take things one day at a time. Which is what I usually try and do anyway (I just like to remind myself...)

Oh I really am going round in circles tonight.

Time for another sit down I think...which tonight will be in the Bird (its a pub, I'm not getting in a birds nest or anything...) I may even treat myself to a glass of vino. Yes. YES. Good plan Susie.

xxx

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

The giant claws of primark.

I'm currently relaxing on my comfy little sofa, as I'm rather tired tonight.

I ventured into Primark today, and got myself into something of a fluster, hence the exhaustion.

It was a simple task I had to perform today, take a jumper back and exchange it for something else.

But I wasn't just dealing with any old shop, it was Primark, and I should have realised that I would get caught in its giant claws.

Four floors of bargains galore.

Its overwhelming.

I had £7 to spend, and I just couldn't seem to decide what on earth I wanted.

Would a £2 printed dress be a good idea? Or would I see hundreds of other 20-something girls in the same outfit?

Then there were the £5 dungarees, which were very enticing, and I've always hankered after another pair. 

 It must have been when I was about 7 years old and had 3 pairs and pretty much lived in them.

They're so 90's and I can never resist a bit of 90's fash. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy them for at least another 6 months, so after a dither, they were put to one side.

Soon I was bombarded with the jewellery, dozens of snazzy necklaces and bracelets that could potentially break after one week, but would look good in the process...

The sale section in this department was particularly treacherous for decision making. Would a £2.50 necklace with the word 'Amaze' on it look good, or was it on the verge of tacky? I opted for tacky, and walked quickly away (not before picking up a rather dazzling gold chunky necklace.)

When I had almost given up hope and thought I would spend my remaining money on facewipes (boring), my eyes homed onto a gem of a shirt. Spotty and blue, and in the sale too. Fab. Time to get out of the hell hole.

Children were screaming. Shoppers were everywhere and garments were being dragged across the floor.

And worst of all, I was having a hot flush.

Stripping off my layers, I waited patiently at the 'customer service' till  for approximately 20 million hours, and managed to exchange my items.

I had no snacks in my bag, no water left in my bottle, and absolutely no more energy.

Primark, I don't think I will be gracing you with my flustering, dithering, sweaty presence for quite a while.

xxx

Sunday, 12 January 2014

100 happy days

Two days ago I signed up for a pretty ridiculous challenge. Its called 100 happy days, and the task is to find something happy in each day for the next 100. (Pretty explanatory really, but I still felt the need to explain. Apologies.) 

Almost laughable that I'm even trying this to be honest. A girl who suffers from depression. How far will I get? Day 7 perhaps?

Or am I out to prove the point that although I do suffer from depression, I can still experience those magical moments of happiness. That actually clinging onto those memories can help me battle through each day.

I have my good friend Charlotte to thank for this challenge, she popped it on her Facebook, and I thought, why not. Lets try something different. Lets be spontaneous. Lets prove something...

I do like a challenge, and when I do commit to something (it doesn't happen very often) I do like to give it my all. Or as someone from the Apprentice would say, "I'll give you 110% every time Lord Sugar, I wont let you down."

Yeh. I hate those clich├ęs too.

I may let myself down, but I guess that's less scary than Lord Sugar.

I have to take a photo of these happy moments, thank goodness for my snazzy new phone. Don't think the cute old square one would be up to this challenge.

If you want to join this crazy new craze then go to http://100happydays.com/ .

One of my favourite things about the website is that it specifies that this is NOT a competition. That in fact, if you try and be the 'happiest', you've already kind of forgotten the point of the challenge.

Even on my darkest days, I do try and find something to take me closer to the light. To appreciate the little things in life that make the world a better place. And it helps.

I could never have done this challenge 2 years ago, but maybe now I can. Lets see shall we. For updates, visit my twitter @susiepiggott or Facebook page. Some moments may even give me some writing material for this here blog. You never know.

Here's what I've come up with so far.....
Wearing my Ugg boots and not getting them wet!

Polishing off my dairy free pizza.


Smiling with Mr B.




Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Wreck it

If you ever have a spare £10 (which doesn't happen very often especially not in January as everyone is skint...) but if you do have it, then go and buy 'Wreck this journal' by Keri Smith.

I promise it will be worth it.

And I don't make promises very often.

If you are a secret (or perhaps not so secret) perfectionist, then you will be challenged daily by the weird and wonderful tasks the journal sets you.

Firstly, I had to crack the spine.

Ouch.

(The spine of the book, not my own spine, because that would be really painful, and quite difficult to manage on my own.)

Then I had to write with my left hand, with my mouth, and finally upside down.

I have been instructed to doodle over the top of the cover, the title, the instructions and the copyright page. As well as to fold down the corners of my favourite pages.

Eeek!! I can't do this yet, I haven't reached that point of careless abandonment.

However, I have stuck a photo in of myself that I disliked and then defaced it. That was very satisfying. And I do look rather amusing with a beard and devil horns.

I've also been told to add my own page numbers, so of course I have numbered the pages randomly, but only with even numbers (I HATE odd numbers.)

Later, I might take the journal into the shower with me. If I'm feeling crazy.

Or I might eat some coloured sweets and lick a page. (The journal calls it tongue painting.)

Oh golly I just tore a page out and crumpled it up. The I un-crumpled it and thought, "What a waste of paper." Then I crumpled it up again! This journal plays havoc with your mind you know.

I kind of want to have the best wrecked journal ever. So I need to become perfect at wrecking it. Which defeats the point of just wrecking it for the sake of wrecking it.

Am I thinking too much about this?

Possibly.

Time to tie the journal with a piece of string and drag it through the rain (page 2462).

xxx



Monday, 6 January 2014

Limbo

Well hello to you first blog entry of 2014. I have finally got round to writing you.

January is here again, which means we are being bombarded by the usual new year resolution stuff. What a load of crap that is. You wont find any of that on here, let me tell you that now.

I just don't see the point of them!

I mean if there is something you really want to do or change in your life, just do it for goodness sake. Why wait until the 1st of January?

Also hate the way that January makes you feel like you should be re-evaluating things in your life. What are you going to do this year? Where are you going with your career? Blah blah blah. I am trying my best to ignore all this, as for me, its a slippery slope into the darkness.

Instead, I'm just going to try and see January as a step closer to spring. And that cant be a bad thing now can it.

Although I don't feel very spring like today. In fact I feel pretty yuk. I think I'm fighting off a virus as I have been feeling super dizzy and faint. Which has led me to sleep for 12 hours, and spend the remainder of the day on snuggled up on the sofa.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night too, and my brain seems to be still caught up in them. I cant seem to bring myself into the daylight today. Sometimes my dreams are so real I feel like they become part of my waking life, although I know that sounds ridiculous. The images and emotions from my dreams just wont leave me alone.

Which seems to place me into a weird limbo state. I'm caught somewhere between the real world and my dream world. Neither connected properly to either of them.

Perhaps a dose of Coronation Street will bring me back down to earth....

xxxx