Saturday, 31 August 2013

Craving a lemon yellow mind

I quite fancied a lie in this morning.

Snoozy time on a Saturday would have been lovely jubly.

However, my irksome brain has been buzzing around for the past hour, and refusing to let me sleep.

A brain full of thoughts, memories, conversations, faces, colours, pain.

Parts of dreams intertwining with reality, leaving me muddled and confused.

If only such a thing existed that we could pick and choose the events we remember.

I think I saw a film once where they did that. 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. I'm not sure it worked out terribly well for them though.

Maybe I should watch it again.

I do love that title though.

'Eternal
sunshine
of
the
spotless
mind.'

It seems very yellow. Lemon yellow.

Very bright, clear, fresh and clean, no mess or mistakes.

Ah but now the other side of my brain is telling me if we didn't have negative memories, it wouldn't make us who we are today. Hmm. Debatable.

Oh its far too early in the morning to be having these conversations with myself.

Me thinks I need to chill my little brain out and go and eat some coco pops.

xxx


Wednesday, 28 August 2013

In the name of Love.

People get enraged and het up about many different things.

Things that get my goat up are as follows: discrimination of any kind, inequality, narrow minded people, and politicians.

So to hear people getting passionate about culling badgers kind of makes me a little bit sad, when the world is full of much more important issues.

I was listening to a radio interview today with several badger culling protesters, and I almost ended up throwing my radio across the room.

I just wanted to shout, "Surely there are more important things to argue about!" (Sorry badgers.)

I am neither in favour or against badger culling, I just believe in the giant scheme of life, there are so many more serious issues we should feel inspired about.

Especially today, when its the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King making his famous 'I have a dream' speech.

A man who planted a seed of hope into a nation, and the world.

A man who gives me goosebumps every time I listen to his speeches.

Now you might be thinking, whats all this got to do with depression? And I'm about to tell you dear friend. Well kind of anyway.

I haven't had the best few days. Black dog has been biting at my heels, and I've felt so exhausted. Life has been so insansely busy recently, and I'm drained.

I've got work tomorrow, and I know I need to keep going, but all I want to do is hide under my duvet forever. I couldn't face going to my dance class tonight, as I just don't want to speak to anyone. Sometimes I have to retreat to advance. If that makes sense.

Anyway, listening to Martin Luther King, and writing all this down, has made me feel just a little bit better.

So that's the point.

Ok?

Good.

Now have a listen to this.






xxx

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Little Miss Messy

Currently surrounded by:

  • 1 poundland plastic bag
  • 2 smelly hoodys
  • An old school sewing box
  • Half a packet of fags
  • 20 tubes of paint
  • 10 pieces of paper covered wire
  • 5 balls of multi-coloured wool
  • 1,00000 odd socks
  • 1 old diet coke bottle
  • A sky high pile of paperwork
  • And a cuddly toy.

How have I let my room get so messy?!

Tomorrow is definitely operation clean up.

Unless I decide to have a nap for the afternoon instead, which is what I did today.

A messy room can often mean a messy mind, and I have been feeling rather yuk today. I had an intense counselling session this morning, which has left my brain drowning in a sea of memories.

Looking forward to closing my eyes and thinking of nothing. (Although even this is unrealistic as I'll probably have crazy nightmares tonight.) Curses.

xxxx

Monday, 26 August 2013

No last chance Susie

A really good film has just started on BBC2, 'Last Chance Harvey.'

Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman.

Its a lovely little tale of two ordinary folk, who have the normal kind of complicated messed up existence, that we all share. Their lives collide, and well, I wont tell you the rest, you should just watch it.

But whenever I do watch it, the title of the film always makes me feel a bit sad inside.

Nobody wants to run out of chances.

Its rather dispiriting and depressing to think we only get  a limited number of chances in life.

And a last chance, well, that makes me feel even more hopeless.

Perhaps I'm dreamer, but I like to try and believe that we have an infinite number of chances.

That if we mess things up, we can mop up the spillage, and start again.

The pressure of knowing that it was our last chance, surely would be enough to ruin everything anyway. Better to keep on telling ourselves that we can always start over tomorrow.

Just like the wise words of Anne (of the Green Gables variety), "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

Its not a last chance, just another chance.

Yes.

Mmmhmm.

I think I'm making sense...

xxx

Friday, 23 August 2013

The need to daydream


Still tired.

Still moaning (just a little bit).

Still waking myself up (and others) with my persistent teeth grinding at night.

My mind is so full of stuff tonight, I almost don't know where to start. (Hence the moaning, its my way of distracting myself.)

So many different things happening around me, it makes my eyes squint and my brain hurt.

I haven't been sleeping well this week, as I think everything has just been whirring around in my brain. Churning and swirling like a washing machine stuck on the same cycle.

 
 
Listening to this track whilst imagining myself on an empty beach, with waves tickling my toes, is just about keeping me grounded.

xxx

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Midweek yawn

Its been a little bit of a crazy week so far, so haven't had much time to scribble on here.

Anyway, I'm here now.

Hello, hello to you all.

I spent this morning scouring the shops of Bristol for an outfit to wear to a wedding next week.

Now, I usually LOVE shopping, its one of my top 10 favourite things to do. But shopping when you have a tight budget? That is not so fun.

In fact its stressful, disheartening, and altogether irksome.

Everything I like is double the amount I've myself allowed to spend, and then the things that are in my budget just look truly terrible on me.

I did try and explain this to Mama P earlier, but as soon as she heard the word 'budget' she was totally confused. Her eyes glazed over as if she had heard this foreign word many years ago, but had never really understood the meaning. (I inherited my economising habits from Daddy P.)

However, a last ditch attempt in a shop that rhymes with Trymark (I don't like to endorse the shop, hence my full proof code...) saved the day.

I just need to slather myself in fake tan and the outfit will be complete.

And tomorrow I'll be back in the salon, sweeping and shampooing (not at the same time of course.)

Tired just thinking about it actually.

Yawn.

xxx


Sunday, 18 August 2013

Pledge it

Plagued by a few wonky brain black dog days at the moment.

Refusing to answer the question, "Why are you feeling like that?"

Because searching for an answer isn't necessarily going to make me feel any better.

Yes, I'm tired which never helps.

Yes ,there is quite a lot of change going on in my life at the moment, which I always find difficult.

But also, there is no logical rhyme or reason.

A low mood can just come and bite me on the bum for no particular reason.

And sometimes, the black dog just comes barking even when you should be feeling on top of the world.

Which actually, makes you feel even worse.

I know the grey veil will eventually lift, but living with it manipulating my outlook on life really is a bugger.

Right, moan over.

I know I repeat myself on here a lot. So much in fact, that its sometimes one of the main reasons why I think about stopping writing. BUTTTTT (that's a big but, in case you were wondering) if there is just one other person tonight who reads this, and thinks, "I'm glad I'm not the only one with depression." Then writing it down makes a lot more sense.

And I've pledged to continue writing this, which means I cant exactly unpledge myself.

 
 

 
 
Click on the link above to write your own pledge....
 
 
xxx


Saturday, 17 August 2013

Unanswerable questions


Aha. I have found the scrappy bit of paper that I scribbled down my thoughts onto.

The next couple of paragraphs were written on Thursday night, and don't make a lot of sense. However, still important to get them logged on here I think.

So I just received an email about my on-going counselling and whether it will continue, and for how long etc.

A reasonable and ordinary email ...

...that seems to have raised a horrible feeling from deep inside me.

How long do I continue counselling?

Can I cope without it?

Unanswerable questions that have made my head hurt and go a bit funny. (But not in a ha ha kind of way...)

I have heard quite a few of these phrases recently:

"Susie I'm so proud of you."

"You've shown such strength, well done."

These words, although well intended, don't sink in. They wash over me and instead of making me feel good, they weigh heavy on my mind.

I'm so frightened. So frightened I'll become seriously unwell again.

But, its more than that, I'm so scared that if I become worse, I will be letting everyone down.

That I will no longer be strong and allow people to be proud of me. I'll be letting them down. I'll be a failure once again.

Although logically speaking I know this is untrue, as I know I cannot control my depression, perhaps this is the most frightening thing of all.

Why should people be proud of me?

If someone recovers from a virus, or a broken bone, do they get such praise?

Because I haven't really done anything outstanding, or shown any particular strength.

Yes, I've decided not to let this depression kill me, but how do I know I will be to do this again in the future?

And really, the main thing that has enabled me to recover is quite simply, time.

The infinite abyss of time.

A factor I have no control or strength over.

So you cant really be proud of that can you?

xxx

Friday, 16 August 2013

A little absent minded

I had fully intended to write a lengthy blog today.

I had even written it all out last night, when I wasn't able to get near a computer, and I was feeling a bit wonky.

However, my good intentions have all crumbled.

Mainly because I got in from work and curled up on my sofa and slept for over an hour. Whoops.

I did set an alarm, but managed to get the time wrong, as I forgot my clock is a 24 hour one.

Oh I'm a fool.

I also seem to have lost the piece of paper I scribbled on last night.

And now I have to zip out of the house, hopefully I won't forget where I'm going....

xxx

Monday, 12 August 2013

Rises and falls

Cut elbow.

Grazed knee.

Bruised boob.

These are just a few of the injuries I picked up this afternoon on my first cycling lesson.

Not that I can't cycle you understand. Although judging by the pain I'm in right now, I'm kind of doubting my abilities.

I just wanted to gain a little more confidence on the road, and generally learn what on earth I'm supposed to do on those dreaded roundabout things.

Other than the injuries (which were completely self inflicted, I misjudged a curb) all went very well, and I might even get back on the road tomorrow.

Last night I slept for about 12 hours, which was absolutely splendid. I did have some weird dreams though. Well, I always have weird dreams, but the two I vividly remember were particularly strange.

The first was my most heavenly dream as I dreamt I found a gorgeous puppy in my wardrobe, and we became great friends. Mr B couldn't even object to it as I told him the dog was homeless and waiting for me amongst my shoes, so it had to be fate. And he couldn't argue with that. I called the pup Thomas (Tommy for short) and we had lots of cuddles and fun.

Of course this all means how much I miss my old pooch Bella and how much I really want/need another dog.

Sigh.

Big sigh.

If only Mr B and Daddy Pig would agree to it.

Maybe I should sneak a puppy in the house and hide it in my wardrobe. Hmm. Interesting.

Anyway, the second dream was a nightmare,, involving tsunamis, fires, tornado's and explosions. I was super scared. Don't want to think about it really, so I should probably stop writing about it.

Not sure of the meaning of that one anyway.

Hmm.

xxx

Sunday, 11 August 2013

massive YAWN

After the 3rd and final chicken weekend of the year, I'm more than a little bit tired.

In fact I think my eyeballs are on the verge of just sliding out of their sockets and cosying up in bed.

Twas a fun weekend though.

Just need to spend a bit of time gaining my strength back.

That sounds like I've been on some kind of boot camp or something, which I haven't.

And I know everyone gets tired. I just find busyness and lots of people particularly exhausting.

But that kind of makes me sound like an introverted old crabby pants, which I'm not.

Oh dear, writing this when I'm tired is never the best is it? I always end of wittering and not making much sense.

But I do think that tiredness generally (I'm not just talking about today) does make you feel rubbish in all kinds of ways.

Some people get headaches, or catch colds, or just keep on falling over all the time. (Yes, the last one is my own example.)

 My depression always feels worse when I'm tired. I become much more paranoid, I convince myself that everyone hates me and I seem to worry 10 times more. Tiredness and the black dog seem to like each other I think. They like to gang up together.

So you need to be prepared to give them a good slap.

Eg. Don't feel bad or guilty for having a small nap, put on a comforting film/tv programme (corrie catch up for me tonight), and stop worrying about tomorrow.

xxxxxx







Wednesday, 7 August 2013

DOD

If my Grandpa were here, he would look out of the window and say, "Its a DOD!"

Which means, 'a DULL OLD DAY'.

You know the kind I mean, grey sky, heavy clouds, and an uninspiring list of things to do today... like washing, ironing ... cleaning the toilet.

Oh the thrill of it all.

I also think Wednesdays often seem to be DOD's. Its a kind of a grey looking word, always has been.

Been trying to have a quiet few days as got a busy day tomorrow and a hectic weekend. But cant seem to shake off this numbness that has been following me around.

Had a difficult counselling session on Monday, and the stuff it stirred up seems to have generated a few nights worth of bad dreams.

A grey curtain has been pulled across my eyes.

Lets see what we can do to shift it....

xxx

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Have you heard the news?

Well, here I am on a rainy Sunday evening, surrounded by a whole pile of mess.

Again.

Itching to tidy the place up, but my body is a little tired after my cycling adventure this afternoon.

Yes, that's right, I did some exercise today. Voluntarily as well. Wowzers.

And, I should probably add, that I quite enjoyed it. Especially as it involved the company of Mr B, with a rest stop that served diet coke and chocolate brownies.

Bonus.

I think its also about time that I should fill you all in on a secret that I've been keeping up my sleeve this week...

I've started working again!

That's right, after 2 and a half long years, I've got myself a little part time job. I had a trial on Thursday, which went splendidly.

The job is at my local hairdressers, and I'm kind of a general assistant, washing hair, making tea, all that kind of jazz.

Its all happened rather suddenly, but after my trial day on Thursday, I believe its the right thing for me. The girls who work there are so friendly and helpful, and I hope it will be the right place for me to just gain a bit of confidence. To gradually get me back into the working world. Which after 2 and a half years, seems like a pretty overwhelming and scary place.

But, its a step in the right direction. And I think, as always, focusing on the small steps I take each day is the right way to think about it all. Because as soon as I start thinking about the big picture of MY LIFE, I get totally freaked out and want to hide under my duvet forever.

As its a part time job, it also means I can continue with my art and all that wonderful creative stuff which is so important to me.

So, there we go, that's the big news. Should of been on the front cover of every newspaper, I know, but I decided that the exclusive interview should go to you. My wonderful readers, because without your support and encouragement, I wouldn't be here at all....As always, THANK YOU xxx