Saturday, 17 August 2013
Aha. I have found the scrappy bit of paper that I scribbled down my thoughts onto.
The next couple of paragraphs were written on Thursday night, and don't make a lot of sense. However, still important to get them logged on here I think.
So I just received an email about my on-going counselling and whether it will continue, and for how long etc.
A reasonable and ordinary email ...
...that seems to have raised a horrible feeling from deep inside me.
How long do I continue counselling?
Can I cope without it?
Unanswerable questions that have made my head hurt and go a bit funny. (But not in a ha ha kind of way...)
I have heard quite a few of these phrases recently:
"Susie I'm so proud of you."
"You've shown such strength, well done."
These words, although well intended, don't sink in. They wash over me and instead of making me feel good, they weigh heavy on my mind.
I'm so frightened. So frightened I'll become seriously unwell again.
But, its more than that, I'm so scared that if I become worse, I will be letting everyone down.
That I will no longer be strong and allow people to be proud of me. I'll be letting them down. I'll be a failure once again.
Although logically speaking I know this is untrue, as I know I cannot control my depression, perhaps this is the most frightening thing of all.
Why should people be proud of me?
If someone recovers from a virus, or a broken bone, do they get such praise?
Because I haven't really done anything outstanding, or shown any particular strength.
Yes, I've decided not to let this depression kill me, but how do I know I will be to do this again in the future?
And really, the main thing that has enabled me to recover is quite simply, time.
The infinite abyss of time.
A factor I have no control or strength over.
So you cant really be proud of that can you?