Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Fun in the sun

A few things I learnt on holiday....

1. Sardine pate is quite tasty.

2. Cold carrots and garlic are an excellent combination.

3. Dutch people are crazy, tall, and have the loudest laughs in the world.

4. Getting free shots because you're a girl isn't necessarily always a good thing.

5. Doing the splits into the pool by accident and smacking your bum on the concrete hurts. A lot.

6. Eating cereal out of a cup makes breakfast a lot more fun.

7.  Swimming in the sea is possibly the best feeling in the world, and makes me feel like a child again.

8. Flying isn't as scary if you imagine you're in a fake simulator machine instead of a real plane.

9. I can pack a suitcase in 30 minutes. Possibly a world record, and definitely a personal best.

10. 7 days in Portugal isn't enough....I need more!!



Monday, 23 July 2012


Must stay calm and keep singing with Cliff.....haha xx

p.s no blog for a week now!

Sunday, 22 July 2012

dont be scared susie

Heart pounding.

Legs twitching.

Stomach knotting.

Lungs breathing (too much)

Mind spinning.

Chain smoking.

Impending airport and flight experience less than 24 hours away.


Saturday, 21 July 2012


Apologies for not blogging yesterday, I can't think of a good excuse, or even remember what I was doing that distracted me from writing.

Ah well, my short term memory has never been that fantastic, so not going to worry about it.

But today, well today has been lovely, and memorable. Dare I even say that I'm on a little bit of a high? Because I don't want to jinx it, and undoubtedly a low is followed by a high....

I also don't want to blow my own trumpet (if I had one that is,) but I'm kind of proud of myself. I feel like I'm surviving pretty darn well on my own, I'm getting out there, I'm facing my fears and I'm repeatedly kicking the black dog right in the schnoz.

Also, when the unexpected inevitably comes and gives you a bit of a shock now and again, which it did today, I'm still standing, and I feel strong enough to cope with it.

This is good news.

Lets all do a funny dance and wiggle our pants


Thursday, 19 July 2012

totally chilled out man

Today I did a little drugs experiment. On the advice of my doctor of course.

Because of my airport anxiety that will drive me crazy on Monday, she has prescribed me some sort of relaxation tablet to make me chill out.

She did suggest Valium, but after last years experience I told her to keep that drug well away from me. Its heaven and hell embalmed in tablet form, and I don't want to start pulling my hair out again. No thanks. I quite like my hair this year.

Anyway, so my doctor suggested that I try out the drug before Monday, just incase of possible effects etc. As always, I was not allowed to operate heavy machinery (too bad, I was thinking about getting out the hedge cutters...) or drive (again, I did consider getting out Dads tractor to mow the lawn, but the idea had to be squashed...) And the doctor suggested I just had a quiet day.

So I followed her words of wisdom and slept for the whole afternoon. Whoops!

Think that means the drugs work then.

They also made me feel fairly relaxed and a bit tispy as if I'd been on the wine this morning. Which was kind of weird. But luckily I had booked myself in for another wax, and it was a lot less painful! Haha.


Wednesday, 18 July 2012

susie and food, its a weird combination

I have just single handidly (spelling?) decided what to have for dinner, cooked it, and eaten it.

All of it!

Not only that, but, the meal was full of vegetables! I think I may have actually eaten 5 of my 5 a day. Who knows when that last happened!

And, also, it wasn't just one of my 'safe' meals. I actually branched out and tried something new. Thai green soupy thing to be specific.

I'm really rather proud of myself.

Mock me if you must, but these small hurdles are kind of important in my journey.

Decision making is always hard for me, but when it comes to food its sometimes just impossible. Black dog just cant help but creep in at those moments and take a massive bite out of my brain. Bastard.

I have certain foods that are 'safe'. By safe I mean, I know I like them, I know I will be able to finish whats on my plate, and I wont be overwhelmed by them. My safe foods are honey or marmite sandwiches (obviously not together...), pasta and sauce, coco pops, crumpets, crisps, chips, chicken nuggets...and that's pretty much it. There are other things but I don't want to bore myself (or you.)

I don't just eat these safe foods 7 days a week, but they're like my little back ups. Always there for me when I need to fill my tum. If I'm having a bad day then eating is more of a struggle for me, so a safe food is a safe choice.

Perhaps some of it is about control.

Probably quite a lot of it is about control to be honest.

I still have to sit in a certain place, use particular cutlery that knowone else has, and I still cut up all my food before I eat it. But I think a lot of people are like that. One of my friends was teasing me the other day and said I ate like a 3 year old. It was pretty funny actually.

But I just hate feeling overwhelmed, and so by taking choices out of the equation, it makes my brain a lot happier.

So I think I've done well to make a break from the cycle for a change. And I know I really need to eat more vegetables and fruit. Its a start anyway.

Apologies if this doesnt make sense, I think I'm just a little delerious after kicking the black dog in the chops.


Tuesday, 17 July 2012


I've done nothing of value or productivity today.

Lazy Sooz.

Oh no wait, I did spend 3 hours in the hairdressers, and walked out feeling kind of fabulous.

It was quite nice.

But in terms of holiday organisation, I haven't achieved much. Or anything really.

Why am I even writing this at 11pm at night when I'm in the strangest mood??

I don't know.

Its probably not the best idea.

Oh and I've just remembered someone is coming to decorate the kitchen at 8:30 tomorrow morning.


Just what I want. An early wake up call and a strange man in my kitchen. Urgh.


Monday, 16 July 2012

repetitive conversations driving me crazy

Whilst its great that I'm getting out and about on a more regular basis now, I can't seem to avoid a certain conversation, and quite frankly, its doing my head in.

And this is how it seems to go.......

New person/old acquaintance I haven't seen for a while: "So Susie, what is it you do then?"

Me: "Well, its a bit of  long story but I'm off work at the moment."

Acquaintance: "Oh really, why's that?"

Me: (inwardly sighing) "Erm well, like I said, its a long story but I haven't been very well..."

Acquaintance then looks me up and down to check that I haven't got any body parts missing or a suspicious looking infectious rash. When they can't spot anything they begin to look confused.

Acquaintance: "Sorry to hear that, whats been the matter?"

Me: (wishing the floor would swallow me up so I could avoid this conversation) "I've had depression and anxiety."

Acquaintance: "Oh right...(looks uncomfortable) so what are you going to do next then? Are you looking for a job? What would you like to do?"



Sunday, 15 July 2012

where i go

So just for clarification, I don't put photos up of my work because I think they're good. I just put them up as a record of my day, because they often speak louder than words. Also people kept on pestering me, so I decided to oblige. But I don't want people to look at them and think OMG SHE IS TOTALLY CRAP WHY THE HELL IS SHE SHOWING US. Like, I know they're rubbish, I haven't got a deluded ego or something. Have I made my point? Yes, I think so....!

Anyway this painting is of the sea and the sand seen from an aerial perspective.

Its the beach that I go to in my mind when I relax and meditate. It has taken a long time to perfect this relaxation technique, and I was only able to learn it through counselling and yoga. But its been such a lifeline to me, especially as I'm such a visual person.

So this is where I go, where the sand is golden orange, and the waves tickle my toes, colours dancing in the sunlight.


Saturday, 14 July 2012

just 23 words

A pain in my belly and a niggle in my brain.

Still living in last nights dream.

Trying to stay in control.



Friday, 13 July 2012

top tip for friday

Anyone else been building up excess angst and frustration?

Here's my top tip for you...

Take an hour out of your day and pop down to your local driving range.

It helps if you've been given some vague instructions else you will end up not hitting the ball and feeling even more frustrated. (I speak from experience....)

But in the hope that you have been taught how to hit the ball, get yourself about 50 of them, and smack them to your hearts content.

Hit hit hit.

Whack whack whack.

And feel the tension fading out from your shoulders.

Release those beasts and smash some balls.

Go crazy and imagine people you dislike have turned into golf balls.

Or think about all the things in your life that piss you off.

Its a simple little tip, but it does really help me.

Equally, chopping a tree down has the same effect but is a tad more destructive. And I quite like trees. If I chopped one down every time I felt like this, Saltford would now be a  tree free desert land, which would be bad.


Thursday, 12 July 2012


I've forgotten where the light switch is again.

I can't stop wandering around in circles, tripping over the same obstacles.

I'm fighting against the darkness but its pressing upon me. It seems stronger than the light.

Why can't I stop these repetitive self doubting thoughts? Why am I so consumed by them?

I feel small and insignificant. Invisible and worthless.

I just want to change EVERYTHING about myself.

EVERYTHING about the way I look and EVERYTHING about my brain and EVERYTHING that makes me Susie stupid Piggott. Yuk.


Sorry for being like this, just can't help it, its just me.


Wednesday, 11 July 2012

just another wednesday night dilemma

Tum te tum. What to write about tonight. I'm not sure. My mind is a little bit all over the place. And my feet are tap tap tapping. And I keep thinking about the dregs of white wine left in the fridge and how good they'd taste sitting outside in the sunshine. Mm.

Distraction would be a good word to use here.

But earlier today I did manage to concentrate for a few hours and bought some holiday essentials. Firstly a new bikini (bright pink and super cute) and then a hat.... Which I'm finding a bit controversial.

Its a kind of straw trilby with a flower on. And I've never been a fan of trilby's. I always think people look like dinner ladies or butchers. So it may go back. A butcher/dinner lady is not the style I want to be channelling in Portugal. I want to go for more of the effortlessly cool and stylish theme. Also not sure if it will fit in my suitcase...which then means I'd have to wear it on the plane...Which would make me look very English and touristy, again, not a look I want to be investing in.

Obviously I haven't been thinking about this too much at all.

Oh no.

I'm not vain.

Not at all...

Oh and my other holiday essential? A sedative from the doctor to get me through the traumatic airport and flying experience, eeeeeek!


Tuesday, 10 July 2012

wheres the light gone?

Just another Tuesday night in July, wrapped up in my furry winter boots and woollen cardigan.


I have had enough!

13 days until I feel the warmth of the sun roasting my skin in glorious Portugal.... it cannot come soon enough!

Moan over.


I have begun my packing list (already) and tomorrow I'm going bikini shopping. Although, in all honesty it will probably be too flipping cold, and the last thing I'll want to do is take my clothes off in a freezing changing room.

Ooo whoops. I'm complaining again. So unlike me. Ha.

What I should be thinking about is the fact that I'm actually well enough to go on this holiday.

Wouldn't of managed it last year.


But my brain is feeling wonky and distorted today. I'm tired and a bit paranoid. Kind of flapping my arms in the dark looking for the light switch.


Monday, 9 July 2012

irritating art class

Had the most annoying creative block at life drawing this morning.

I just couldn't do anything right.

I started four different drawings and proceeded to rip each one up and chuck them in the bin.


So frustrating.

Nothing was flowing properly.

There was some sort of disconnection, but I'm not sure what needs reconnecting.

All I know is that at the end of the class I was ready to stab myself in the eye with my paintbrush!


Sunday, 8 July 2012

'Don't call me crazy!'

Dedicated to all those who suffer from mental health problems and have to deal with the stigma attached with their illness.....

Sing it loud, and sing it proud people!!

Its time to change....

 'Don't call me crazy'

To be sung to the tune of 'Call me maybe' by Carly Rae Jepsen

Lyrics by me (Susie Piggott!)

So I've not been very well.
You ask me, I'll always tell,
I tried so hard but I fell,
But now I'm on my way.

My brain had turned into mush,
I didn't look very lush,
My hair resembled a bush,
But now I'm on my way.

My mind was jumpin',
5 drugs, endorphins pumpin',
Spaced out, I was bumpin',
But now I'm on my way.

Hey, I just met you,
And this won't faze me,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Its hard to look right,
at me, maybe?
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Hey, I just met you,
And this won't faze me,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Who cares what they say?
I'm just one lady,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

It's time for this life to change,
For my brain to rearrange,
I'm not fallin' from this ledge,
Cuz now I'm on my way.

My mind was jumpin',
5 drugs, endorphins pumpin',
Spaced out, I was bumpin',
But now I'm on my way.

Hey, I just met you,
And this won't faze me,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Its hard to look right,
at me, maybe?
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Hey, I just met you,
And this won't faze me,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!

Who cares what they say?
I'm just one lady,
But here's my main point,
Don't call me crazy!


Saturday, 7 July 2012

shuffle, then repeat.

I've been thinking about repetition.

Repetition of words, people, conversations, feelings, the way we react to certain situations.

Do we really learn our lessons?

Or are programmed to repeat the same patterns of behaviour over and over again?

I strive to change things about myself so much, but in some areas of my life I think certain ways of thinking have been ingrained too deeply.

My reactions and emotions are constantly repeated in certain situations, no matter how much I try and change them.

Or maybe I don't want to change them.

On the surface I can see the negative effect they have, but would changing them be even worse?

At least I know where I am with my repetitive behaviour.

Its predictable.


Well, maybe not always.

I need to think on this further....


Friday, 6 July 2012

you're not alone

How good is it when a song pops on your ipod or the radio, and it seems to suit your mood perfectly?

I LOVE having these magical musical moments.

Its just ace.

Top banana.

Its like your ipod has somehow channelled itself into your brain.

Clever ipod.

So here is a little song that seems to be helping me at the moment....and if you ignore some of the slightly stalkerish romantic words, the main theme of the song just seems to fit....

Cuz I really think everyone needs reminding....well I always do.....YOU ARE NOT ALONE.... the black dog LOVES to trick you and tell you that you are, but he is WRONG.


Thursday, 5 July 2012

fly me to the moon (or portugal)

For anyone who didn't quite hear me shouting about it last night....I'll fill you in....

I booked a holiday!!


Excitement and anxiety mixed together in a big ball of craziness.

17 days until take off....where a sunbed and beach in Portugal await me (and hopefully a large glass of wine...)

I haven't been away for about 2 years, so I really think I deserve this little break. And I definitely need the sunshine.

Its a MASSIVE step for me. Would never have been able to do this last year.

Its not going to be the easiest journey though, seeing as I hate flying, airports, confined spaces and being anywhere I can't smoke or knit (how mean, you can't take knitting needles on a plane!)

Oh well, its going to be a fun journey for my travel pal Cat!

Lucky gal!

I really am the worst travelling companion. I have to be at the airport about 3 hours before take off. I cant sit still. I jump around at every announcment. Its like I've got ants in my pants. Or tics in my knics.

I have to check my bag a MILLION times, and I pretty much don't relax until I have reached my destination and I'm zonked out on my bed.

Luckily we're flying at night, so I think I'll just have a sneaky sleeping tablet. Then Cat will just have to scrape me off the airport floor, as I stumble through customs in a zombie like state.

Oh crap just noticed the time. I need to eat tea.

Coco pops?

I think so!


Tuesday, 3 July 2012

black dog 0 susie 1

I feel I need to divulge a few secrets... as I have jumped over a couple of hurdles in the past four days, and I'm almost a little bit proud of myself.....


On Saturday it was the end of an era celebration party thing for the shop that I used to work for. The shop has now closed down, and so a big shin dig was planned in Bath. I'd been thinking about the possibility of going for a while, but so many negative thoughts and scary things were holding me back. However, I knew that if I went, I would be able to finally go into Bath without worrying about bumping into people. I had this sneaky suspicion that it would give me closure too....but there was so much at risk.

What if no-one spoke to me?

What if people said horrible things to me?

What if I had a panic attack in the middle of the pub and generally collapsed into a heap?

These thoughts were all consuming, and I was frightened.

Sounds silly.

But I was.

Anyway, I decided not to put any pressure on myself, and if I was feeling OK, I'd make an appearance. I tried to concentrate on all the lovely people that I knew would be there, instead of focusing on the negative. I attempted to get things into perspective, and control my over active imagination.

As Saturday evening approached, I decided to go. Maybe I copped out a little bit, as I had to take someone with me for a bit of moral support..but I figure its better to reach out and ask for help instead of suffering in silence. I'm done with that!

Walking up the stairs to the party I could feel my palms sweating, and my legs had typically turned to jelly. My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking.

But as soon as I opened the door, I heard a shriek of "Susie!" and my friend Annie flung her arms around me. "Its so good to see you!" she smiled, and I knew it was going to be OK.

 I tentatively walked further into the room, and I was surprised to be greeted by more and more friendly faces and hugs. It was lovely.

I couldn't believe that people were pleased to see me and made the effort to come and catch up with me. After spending so much time away from them, I guess I'd just presumed they'd forgotten about me.

Depression is the ultimate illness for making you feel invisible. You are not able to get out and see people because you feel so low, and also the depression convinces you that you're not worth seeing. That nobody would ever want to hang out with you. That you are invisible, and definitely don't deserve to be visible in any shape or form.

On Saturday I was able to push out those demons.

Its possible that those horrible demons will come back, but at least I know that I fought them on Saturday. Which means I can do it again. And that gives me strength. And hope.

In fact, I was able to push them out again today as I managed for the first time in 18months to get the bus into Bath on my own and meet a good friend for coffee.

Perhaps a small achievement for some.

But I feel like I'm kicking ass right now!!!


Sunday, 1 July 2012

quick bloggage

Well, after last nights dilemma fiasco, I can happily report that I eventually made a decision, stuck to it, and was surprisingly pleased with the result.


I do seem to have the tendancy to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to decisions.

But its very easy to get things out of proportion in my brain. And I seem to slip into bad habits very quickly....naughty Sooz.

Anyway, this is just a tiny bloggage because I need to make myself some dins before the cup final begins, and I'm also very chilly and need another jumper. Brrr. Almost tempted to put the heating on??

Which, on a side note, reminds me to moan about how deathly awful this weather is. Where has summer gone? I've had enough rain now thanks very much. I'm over it. I want to have some sunshine again please!