Tuesday, 30 August 2011

I can't

Couldn't decide whether to write my blog tonight......  I feel like every time I sit at the computer and start typing away I'm just in moan overload mood.

But my pal Mr Barnes, encouraged me, saying, it might feel better to get things off my chest....And most importantly, that I'll be having a moan for everyone, not just me....!

Quite a satisfying statement I feel.

Good work Mr Barnes.....(Your knighthood is in the post :-p )

Didn't crawl out of my bed until 3pm today.


I would like to disappear.

I want to disappear.

I can't fight this black dog anymore.


Sunday, 28 August 2011

turn my brain off please

A million things in my mind.
I don't even know where to start.
But I feel like I'm going a little crazy (even more than usual...)

I would very much like to turn off my overloaded brain.
All suggestions welcome.

I wonder if making a list might help? Or it might just make me feel worse?



Saturday, 27 August 2011

Half baked

This week, I have been taught the lesson that life never stays the same.

Its constantly changing.

An unpredictable storm.

Obvious statement?


But something that I often forget.

And perhaps it can be the worst of circumstances that forces me to remember. Yet, strangely, it can also be the best of circumstances too.

I'm not really sure if this makes sense. It sounds like I'm trying to be all deep and meaningful. Ha.

But I'm not. Promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye...!

I guess its just my half baked attempt at trying to make sense of this crazy world.

And a half baked attempt is better than nothing?


Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Dedicated to Bella xxx

Rest in peace my darling dog, and best friend forever, Bella.
For 13 and a half years, we have looked after one another.
And now, I know you're sleeping peacefully.
Nested up in your favourite bed with teddy.
I'm so scared of living without you.
I miss you so much.

Some people might see this song as a love song. And it is, but maybe not in the way they think. Because most love isn't the romantic sort. It doesn't come dressed up in hearts and roses and cheesy stuff. Its long lasting, its tough, but its forever. Love doesn't just have to between boyfriends and girlfriends, families, and old friends. It can be with pets too. An unconditional, unquestioning, never ending love and bond that will never fade.


"By Your Side" Sade

you think i'd leave your side baby,
you know me better than that.
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees,
i wouldn't do that.
i'll tell you you're right when you want,
and if only you could see into me.
oh, when you're cold,
i'll be there,
hold you tight, to me.

when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in.
i will show you, you're so much better than you know.
when you're lost, and you're alone, and you cant get back again.
i will find you, darling, and i will bring you home.

and if you want to cry,
i am here to dry your eyes.
and in no time,
you'll be fine.

you think i'd leave your side baby,
you know me better than that.
you think id leave you down when you're down on your knees,
i wouldn't do that.
i'll tell you you're right when you want,
and if only, you could see into me.

oh, when you're cold,
i'll be there,
hold you tight, to me.
when you're low,
i'll be there,
by your side, baby.

oh, when you're cold,
i'll be there,
hold you tight, to me.
oh, when you're low,
i'll be there,
by your side, baby.


Tuesday, 23 August 2011


My brain seems to be extra full of worries this week.

Combined with my general anxiety and depression, I feel like I am juggling a lot of balls in the air.

And I can't even juggle.

Which just makes everything more confusing.

And I keep on forgetting things, then remembering them, and then getting worried all over again.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

And dream about...

HarryPotterHarryHarryPotter....Dumbledore! (you will understand if you watch this humorous little skit....)



Monday, 22 August 2011



I have neglected my blog for quite a few days now.

But fear not.

I am still alive and typing away.

I also have quite a large red mark on my arm as I have to keep pinching myself.

You see, a very special friend of mine is visiting from the states, and I still can't quite believe that after 3 years apart, we have been reunited.

I also cant quite believe how much I have achieved over the past few days.

Although I'm somehow still managing to feel like a failure.

And constantly racked with guilt.


Had a few bits of scary news today, luckily I managed to sneak in an emergency Valium. Phew. I'd been saving it up and now I'm a little spaced out....

But that's OK...

I think.

So many conflicting emotions going on. I think I should stop thinking about them, because the more I think, the more confused I feel.

Think  think think.

I need to stop thinking!


Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Who's that girl?

In an attempt to boost my self confidence and feel a little bit more shiny and new, I have spent the day indulging my vanity.

I am now a lovely shade of golden brown....

My nails are all sparkly...

But most importantly, I have nice hair! Ooo!

I was absolutely convinced that it wouldn't make me feel any better. Turns out, I was wrong. Many thanks to the most fabulous and generous lady who donated the funds for the haircut.....

Yes, it may all be a bit superficial. But for the first time in flippin ages I actually feel like I can go out in public without thrusting a paper bag over my head.

Which is probably quite good....as tomorrow I am embarking on an adventure...

An adventure which begins at an airport, a great big hug, possibly a few tears, and lots of love...


Tuesday, 16 August 2011


Massive headache.


I would quite like to go to bed now please.

But I have a funny feeling its probably too early?


P.S  Bella is eating more, hurrah. Thanks for positive dog related vibes. However, I seem to have come out in sympathy and now its me who doesn't really want to eat...

Monday, 15 August 2011

will I mostly today making be sense no?

Some days I really don't have a lot to say.

Today is one of those days.

Actually, the truth is, I do have quite a lot to say.

I'm just too sleepy.

And black dog has taken over.


Yes, me too.


Sunday, 14 August 2011

Fragmented Sooz


am tired.


a little overwhelmed.


kind of anxious.




I feel

a bit



Saturday, 13 August 2011

Dog lovers will understand....

I was just about to write this blog pleading with everyone to send positive vibes towards Bella, my cute little Schnauzer. She hasn't been eating for the past couple of days and as she is a very old lady (94 in dog years). To say that my mind has been going into overdrive with worry is probably a little bit of an understatement....! Thankfully she has just nibbled a few tiny bites of her dinner.....

However, I don't usually ask for many favours, and if you don't ask, you don't get...And people will probably think I'm crazy for asking....But please send positive nourishment and general well being thoughts towards my little hound!

It does sound dramatic....but Bella is a lifeline for me.......I think I probably need her more than she needs me really....But right now she needs YOU! (And she promises to give you a really good cuddle in return...)

I have quite a long list of anxieties at the moment. I have to keep writing them down otherwise I feel like my brain is going to explode.

Next week is going to start with several days of hell....(big scary forms to fill in, dentist appointment, doctors appointment, counselling, and now probably the vets too....)

Hopefully though my luck will change come Thursday.....as I'm going to meet my gorgeous friend Kat. I haven't seen her for 3 years and she has never been to England (she's from America.)

So that will be my little slice of heaven.

10 days of Kat and Sooz.


Its the only thing keeping me going at the moment.


Friday, 12 August 2011

Help, honesty and cheese

Just been sitting in the garden having a little Beatles jam on the old ipod.  And then this song came on......



And it made my brain cells stop and ponder. What if last November, I had never gone to the doctors? What if I had been too scared, too worried, that I couldn't ask for help? I knew something was wrong, but I wasn't exactly sure what. Maybe I should have gone to the doctors 3 months previously. Who knows. But the thing is, I was worried, and I was scared. I kind of knew that I would be opening a big horrible can of worms. And that once they had been released, there would be no going back.

So this entry may be full of cheese tonight. But I think I'm past the point of caring....!

Because if just one person reads this and it triggers something in their head. Or makes them think of a friend or relation who might be struggling. Then its worth me writing, and forfeiting the cheese.

We can't survive on our own.

I've learnt that.

We need to be honest.

I've learnt that too.

 And not just with ourselves (which is sometimes the hardest...!) But also with the people around us.

Someone out there does want to help you.

And someone out there needs your help.


Thursday, 11 August 2011

Back to 2001?!

The more I think about it, the more it seems like everyone around me is growing up and I'm becoming  more like a child.....(And yes I realise that I have overused the word 'more' but I am tired and I can't think of anything else....)

Everyone seems to be getting married, having babies, stepping up the next rung on their career ladder, buying a bigger car, investing in a house.............Generally being a grown up.

And yet, I seem to be regressing. Going back 10 years to my 15 year old self........

Here are a few examples....

1. I am listening to Green Day...a lot....possibly too much...

2. I have temporarily abandoned my handbags in favour of a rucksack (shocking but true, although of course it does have a pretty pattern on it...)

3. Also I seem to be spending a lot of time wearing my red converse....whereas, my usual mid twenties self would always be seen in something a lot more high fashion and a lot more uncomfortable!

4. Oh yeah....I'm living at home...with my parents.......

5. Who I have to rely on.......a lot.

6. I'm constantly skint....!

7. I've started smoking.........again.....another bad habit picked up mid teens......

8. I still can't drive!

9. After a week of vegan food I'm almost considering being a vegetarian again...

10. A few days ago I wore my hair in pigtails..........ahhhh!!!

Oh dear, everything is so topsy turvy in the world of Susie.

I have never wanted to grow up.

So maybe these crutches aren't so bad.

But I just can't help comparing myself to everyone else.

And thinking........

I have failed.

I am a failure.


Wednesday, 10 August 2011

In technical terms, Susie is right.



Yes I have got a degree in English, and perhaps technically these two words can't be found in the Oxford English Dictionary.

But as these are the only words I can find to express my state of mind without wittering on for ten pages in a state of nonsensical distress. Blurgggggggggghhhhhhhh and yukkkkkk are just going to have to cut the mustard tonight.

End of discussion.


Tuesday, 9 August 2011

heyhey mr postman

Oh I am such a big fan of snail mail, thank you Miss Thompson...

"When it rains, look for rainbows,
When it's dark, look for stars"


Monday, 8 August 2011

big fat failure

I've just realised that I've been off work now for almost 8 months.

8 months.

Why don't I feel better?

Why am I such a failure that I can't even getting better?

I'm weak.

So exhausted.

And I'm so bloody tired of moaning like an old woman who has a big bunion on her foot.

But instead I have a big bunion in my brain that refuses to go away!



Sunday, 7 August 2011

Strange body anxiety bits

Just spent the past 2 hours watching Midsummer Murders. Oh god. I'm in trouble. I think I'm taking this whole guilty pleasures thing to a whole new level.

Annoyingly, it was strangely engrossing though. And a little bit scary. Not the killing/ murder bits but there was a Punch and Judy show! Eeek!!! Freaks the beeeeejeus out of me.

I've got one of those horrible unquenchable thirsts today. I think I've probably drunk about 20 glasses of water. But still, I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert, absolutely parched. Sometimes it can actually be one of my slightly strange body anxiety things. A bit like the shaking hands or tapping leg. I get a dry mouth too. Weird. And especially annoying when you have to keep on going for a wee every 10 minutes.

Too much information? I'm just glad I'm not on a train. I flatly refuse to use those toilets. So I would have to choose between an incredible thirst, with my tongue hanging out like a dog, panting away, or drinking loads of water and doing the 'I need a wee dance'....(Everyone has one right? Its not just me? you kind of hop between your feet, wiggle around a bit and tell everyone to STOP TALKING ABOUT WATERFALLS....)


Saturday, 6 August 2011

I don't understand....

Black dog in control of Sooz today.

But....thank god for Coronation Street....and that fancy pants thing on the telly which means I can watch last nights episodes today. Wowzas.

I'm a bit jealous of this invention that Steve and Liz have on their telly. Why don't I have it?

...Probably because my TV has a video. Which does still play videos (I can't stop buying them from charity shops, so many 10p bargains...) And I think all this is ace and retro but actually after 7 years of owning it I still haven't worked out how to record programmes...Oh dear.

Technology and Sooz don't mix.


Friday, 5 August 2011

First night in Nailsea

Settling into my new pad for the week...

A can of Strongbow, stretching out on a deck chair and listening to some Johnny Cash = excellent relaxation technique.

Its also an excellent falling asleep technique too.....But as I am typing, its clearly apparent that I am awake. Well, half awake at least. Or half asleep....(Its funny how you never say half awake isn't it? Always half asleep. Hmmmm...)

Its been a pretty tiring day. Maybe not physically tiring. I haven't trekked up a mountain or anything. But mentally tiring. My brain feels like its been on a treadmill all day. And one of those scary ones that gets faster and faster and the gradient get higher and higher. But I think I may have found the turn off button now.

Well, I'm certainly trying to look for it...


Thursday, 4 August 2011


Anxiety is a little eeeeeeeeeky at this moment in time. (Eeeeeeeeeeeeky roughly translates to my hands being a bit shaky, stomach in a knot, having to remember to BREATHE deeply instead of lots of tiny wasp breaths which generally make me feel worse.)

Don't really know what to do with myself.

Going away tomorrow for a change of scenery so trying to pack up all my bits and bobs in manageable stages. I can't really seem to settle into it though. My mind is having trouble concentrating and keeps wandering off into a bad black place.....which I'm very much trying to avoid...

Bella is coming with me on my trip which will be good. After all, dogs need a break too. She probably needs a break from me to be honest.... But that's not going to happen.... she will forever be my cuddle monster, no matter how hard she trys to run away from me......

Ah what to do. What to do.

I really wish my leg would STOP TAPPING.

I've already been for a really long walk and I'm too tired for another.
Maybe some skipping rope action?
Hmmm but I've just had my dinner, so probably not a great idea...I don't really want to see lemon chicken in reverse.


Wednesday, 3 August 2011

A little bit of laughter

When you're suffering from an illness, whether its a mental illness or something physical, lots of lovely people always like to make suggestions as to what make you feel better. It might be certain films, music, activities, or exercise. And I must say, I'm a big fan of these suggestions...because anything is worth a try!

I may have mentioned  that I live in a little village in Somerset. Its very quintessentially English, full of cute cottages, lots of elderly folk, and most importantly a large selection of pubs..... 

Now, every month or so we get a parish magazine through the door. Its full of the village news (well, I'm not really sure if I can officially use that term actually) and also lists the various groups and clubs in the village. All sorts of stuff goes on down in the village hall....Swing dancing, the wine circle, the walking club, the history society, belly dancing, pilates, scrabble club (I actually quite fancy this one just to try and put as many rude words down as I can think of against some unsuspecting OAP...) whist club, and of course the WI.

I often think that maybe it might be good for my depressed brain to try one of these clubs out...and after seeing this report of the latest WI's meeting, I think I'm going to have to make a visit...

The speaker at our June meeting was Sydney Smith* who gave a very entertaining talk on the history of the bank notes and the Bank of England. During which, samples were passed around from different era's for members to see.

At our July meeting, our speaker was Miriam Wilson* from the local lingerie shop in Bristol. Miriam was assisted by her sister who modelled the underwear which she described was for 'real women'. She showed the different types of bras and how to get the correct fit and how to put them on correctly. It was a very interesting and amusing evening.

*names have been changed....

Actually, I don't think I need to go to the meeting, just reading the round up is enough for me, I feel better already...........

Oh I do love to laugh....

Cant wait to see what happens next month....Will it be the story of the safety pin? Followed by the history of the Karma Sutra...?

I'll keep you posted....!


Tuesday, 2 August 2011

By the seaside

Right. I am getting very distracted. I feel like I must type something before I get distracted again. Damn facebook. It sucks me in!

Went on a little trip to Weston super Mare today. Very exciting. And so good to be by the sea. Well, kind of sea/ Bristol channel. Once I'd pushed my way through the hoards of Grannies and screaming children, I decided it would be a really good idea to have a little paddle.

Half an hour later....I eventually made it through the muddy sand puddles and let the brown water lap round my toes. I have to admit, it didn't have quite the effect that I was hoping for. My imagination had been running away with and I was hoping for some Mediterranean blue sea, all shimmery and beautiful. Ah well, this was England after all. But just to have space and be by the water really made a difference to my day.


Monday, 1 August 2011

Guilty pleasures

We all have guilty pleasures.... Secret habits that we would rather not share with the world....(But I'm kind of over that now with this blog writing thing...!)

I often feel very self indulgent about my guilty pleasures...and some of them are new discoveries that just make my day feel a little less black...So I thought I would just make a list to remind myself of my own guilty pleasures, so that when I'm having a particularly rough day, I can sneak a peak at the list and relish in a bit of pleasure.....and try not to feel too guilty...and maybe, just maybe they might help someone else too....

1. Coronation Street......After watching an omnibus one Saturday morning I am now well and truly hooked. Its not just a soap. Its a comedy series too. Although I'm usually laughing at them and not with them...

2. Homes from Hell/ Help my house is falling down.... These people just make me feel better that I don't own a house...and that its not falling down...cruel but true!

3. Jeremy Kyle...OK, so maybe quite a few of my guilty pleasures are on the TV...But these crazy people again just make me feel a little better about my life....And its also a little bit of comedy gold.

4. Plucking my eyebrows....Maybe its not a guilty pleasure, as its a general necessity, but its just SO satisfying (N.B over plucking will result in a permanent surprised expression, not recommended..)

5. Having an emergency cigarette....(I don't generally recommend this either, but when needs must..)

6. Oooo making and eating a jelly. Quick, easy, and super tasty. Raspberry is the best.

7. Ripping a piece of paper over and over again until its in tiny tiny pieces. Equally scribbling all over something you've written with a big black marker. Weird. But satisfying. Not really sure how guilty that one is either actually. Unless its someone else's paper...

8. Listening to an ultimate cheesy ballad and singing your heart out. No matter how out of tune you are. Who the hell cares. No one is listening! I recommend....good old Celine.

9. Dancing to a crazily upbeat poptastic song when you would quite like to poke out the singers eyeballs. Don't. Dance instead. Imagine you're on stage. Thousands of fans screaming your name and admiring your amazingly awful dance moves.... Oh if I only had a PVC red catsuit like Britney, that really would take the guilty pleasure to a new level....

10. Have a glass of wine. Or a can of strongbow. Its not really guilty. But it sure tastes good after a crappy day.