Skulking and sulking

Today I have spent a considerable amount of time skulking, and sulking, around.

I do like that word skulking.

Although actually participating in a skulk, is rather disagreeable.

The skulking started early, as I didn't sleep well, and was haunted by various kinds of nightmares. I pretty much wanted to hide away from the world again.

However, the full blown sulking, which then turned into skulking, exploded when the post arrived.

I shall save myself (and you too, dear reader) from describing the events that followed.

I don't mean to sound mysterious, I just don't want to get my knickers in a twist again.

And not just a 'simple to untie' knickers in a twist...

More like, the gnarled up elastic in the knickers made a massive messy knot, which then got twisted round one leg hole, and then the other, culminating in a tangled up pile of knickers that you may as well throw in the bin.

Anger, frustration, and a large dose of anxiety were the emotions that followed. Which then of course resulted in the skulking. And sulking.

Now I feel like I have used the word skulking umpteen times, and should probably stop.

Final skulk.

Last sulk.

Well, tomorrow is a new day. (Honestly, it really is. I checked my calendar and everything.) I'll be at work. Where I can neither skulk or sulk, so probably for the best that its all out of my system today.

xxx

Round in circles I go again.

Spent the majority of today hiding in my room, under my duvet. Had a lovely weekend...but now I'm just feeling all bleugh.

Sick of being like this.

My mind is spiralling about the future...What am I ever going to do with my life...Nothing of consequence.

Envy is a deadly sin, and boy don't I know it.

"I wish I could be like them..."

"I want my life to be like that..."

Honestly, I think that is one of the worst things about Facebook. Its great for keeping in touch with people, but its also a constant reminder of all the fantastic things people are doing with their lives, whilst I'm just faffing around.

I know I moan about this a lot. I'm sorry.

You may think I'm being a bit hard on myself. Or you may agree and feel the same.

Its so tough.

I hate feeling envious.

It makes my skin crawl, yet I cant seem to stop it.

We live in a society where 'what you do' (job wise) represents who you are. And I really struggle with that.

I know so many wonderful friends and family that are making a difference in the world, and I wish, I wish I could be like that.

They are the saints and achievers that are making the world go round, and compared to them, I'm a failure.

xxx

Looking for the 'off' switch

Not feeling top banana tonight, so I'm trying to chill my little brain out and take things easy.

Tiredness and busyness makes the black dog bark louder.

Doubts and negative thoughts creep into my head. Yuk yuk.

I would quite like to turn my brain off and stop thinking about things. Please.

So I'm hoping a bit of knitting and a hot bath will drown the black dog out.

Not that I'm going to be knitting in the bath.

That would be quite tricky.

And maybe a tad dangerous too.

But drowning the black dog in the bath sounds like a fabulous idea.

(N.B no animals have been harmed in the writing of this blog. The black dog metaphorically represents the beast that is depression. Just thought I should make that clear for any new readers....)

xxx

Keep calm, and have a nap?

Oh is it Tuesday already?!

Time seems to be flying away from me at the moment. Phewy.

On Sunday I got back from a lovely weekend away with the girlies in London town, which was muchos fun.

However, the hour and a half delay on my train wasn't so fun. In fact, it made me swear to never get on a train again. Which perhaps is a slight over dramatic fib, but it did rather send my anxiety levels through the roof.

And now I have my cheeky monkey nephew and sister staying for the week. With is also muchos fun.

I just need a little bit more sleepy time.

Yawn. 

MASSIVE yawn.

I think I have already had approximately 5 glasses of diet coke today, just to keep me awake.

In fact, not really sure why I'm writing this when I could be having a nap.

Ooo nap.

That does sound tempting.

But I have so many things to do, lists, and more lists, reminders, emails, jobs, plus all those little niggly things in my head that I still haven't done.

 Oh and I need to tidy my room. It kind of looks like I've been robbed and the burgalars sifted through all my stuff and realised it was too shitty to steal. Ha.

Must keep calm.

Juggling too much perhaps.

One day at a time.

xxxx

1,2,3,4

One word...

London.

Two words...

Best friends.

Three words...

I'm super excited.

Four words...

I really hate packing.

xxx

A moment in time

I am fully, one hundred and ten per cent, obsessed with this song.

It kind of makes me want to run through a field of corn and collapse laughing into a heap.

Or.

Maybe even run a marathon.

And I hate running.

Thus proving the strength of my devotion for this song.

It also gets me thinking about those words 'a moment in time'.

There are certain things about the future that I have to completely block out of my mind.

I get scared and anxious, and worry that I will get really poorly again. Its a paralysing fear, which is why I try not to think about it. Simples really. Or not really, because sometimes I am faced with thoughts and decisions that lead me back to the anxious fear inside.

ANYWAY.

I don't want to think about that.

I want to concentrate on now.

This moment in time.

Which is how I try to live my life.

I try and focus on the power of this moment.

Its a gift.

A gift that I once wanted to throw away.

But not now.

Of course I do look to the future, but I try and think about fun and exciting things, not the crazy anxious doubts and questions in my head.

Hmm not sure if I'm really making sense so I shall stop now and let you enjoy the song....

xxxx

Pictures of my mind

Mr B and I are in the middle of cooking a roast dinner (he's Sioux chef, I'm Head chef), but I have a few minutes to spare...

It seems that I'm struggling to write my blog on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday. The reason being 'cuz I'm absolutely knackeroonied from working in the salon.

I know I'm only working part time, so I'm not going to moan, as most people work a full week. But when you've been not working for over 2 years, its very physically and mentally tiring going back into the world of work.

More mentally than physically tiring actually. Especially as people tend to tell you their deepest darkest secrets whilst you're washing their hair. Which makes me go home and worry about them. Silly really. I need to stop myself.

Anyway Mr B got me out of the house last night and we enjoyed a few pints in Bath. It was lovely jubly.

Although I did miss Strictly.

Oh dear. I think I'm becoming middle aged by saying things like that.

Whilst I remember, for anyone who hasn't seen it, here is my latest work.

Its called 'Seascape' and has taken me about 3 months to complete. I  have always been fascinated with the sea, and this painting was inspired by some beautiful waves down in Devon.

 

 

I have always found calm and peace when I am near the sea. It draws me in, and I find comfort in the soft rhythm of the waves. However, the sea also petrifies me. It is a constant theme in my nightmares, as I often dream I'm on a beach as a tsunami hits.

 

 

So these are contrasting layers, one of tranquillity, the other of fear, is what I've tried to convey in this painting. The sea is the unknown, a place full of  mystery and secrets.

 

 

I could bore you with more arty talk, but I shall refrain. And instead let you know that I will soon be creating a website to show my paintings off a little better :)

 

 

xxxx



Messy head

My brain is somewhat frazzled this morning.

Yesterday was painful and full of sadness, as I attended the funeral of a dear friend from the village.

Cant write any more about that now, as I'll probably end up sobbing all over my laptop...

Oh I've got a horrible headache today. Yuk.

I think its a result of the tension I was holding yesterday. And I forgot to wear my mouth guard last night so I was probably grinding my toothypegs loads too.

Just feel like I'm keeping my head above the water, trying to stay afloat. Arms and legs flailing against the tide, surrounded by terrifying waves.

My mind is so muddled.

The state of my bedroom is usually a good reflection of how things are in my mind.

Quite simply, its a mess....!

xxxx

A few things

A few things to point out on Sunday 6th October...

Chew valley lake is absolutely beautiful. Nothing like a walk in the sunshine and breathing in some of that lovely English fresh air. See below for proof.

'500 miles'  is my new favourite song. Ever. (I watched 'Sunshine on Leith' last night, muchos fun.)

Car dancing is my new favourite form of dancing. Mr B's bemused looks whilst I rave away are pretty priceless.

Check out http://www.creativityworks.org.uk/ for all things fun and arty in the South West. And massive thanks to them for sharing my blog on their website.

The 64,000 hits mark has been smashed. Give yourself a hug from me. More thanks to you my dear readers.

The nights may be drawing in, but no need to be glum, as the seasons change, so does the TV programming. Bring on cosy nights in by the fire watching Strictly and Downton.

xxxx

The end of an era

 

 

I'd like to take a moment, a quiet moment, to pause, reflect, and say goodbye to my little pink phone.

 

We've  had a great 3 years together, but now the time has come for us to go our separate ways.

 

We've been mocked, laughed at, almost thrown out of the window, but we got through it together.

 

We stayed strong.

 

We knew, deep down, that everyone was just jealous of your cuteness.

 

Nobody believed you had the internet, some even suggested you used dial-up, but you logged on every day, and you were marvellous.

 

Your reflective surface has saved me from many embarrassing bogies up my nose, and basil in my teeth.

 

In awkward social situations, I've been able to whip you out of my bag, you've been my conversation saviour. Immediately I'd hear the compliments and questions flood from in all sides.

 

Well, not always compliments, you have divided a nation. Loved and hated equally, some friends wanted to kidnap you, others threatened to drown you in their pint of beer.

 

I want you to know, that I'm not replacing you. You could never be replaced. Its just that you're a little bit broken, and I've got to roll with the techno times. Apparently its all about touch screens and 4G now, whatever that is.

 

Don't worry, you're not going to be transported to a recycle centre. I wouldn't dream of trading you in for a tenner. Oh no. You will be kept safe, snuggled up in bubble wrap, and in years to come, I'm sure you will carry some antique value...or maybe just some comedy value...

 

 

xxx