Monday, 30 December 2013

My year in review?

Just like last year, Facebook is telling me to 'see my 20 biggest moments in my 2013 review'. To which, once again, I say, no thank you Mr Facebook. I will do my own, so please don't offer again. And also, for the record, I don't like the use of your word 'biggest', its very strange.

Right, let me think....

Oh also, these are memories from two thousand and thirteen, not twenty thirteen. Just wanted to get that record straight too.

Laura's hen do. Liverpool. Butler in the Buff. Epic.

The Ingleby's wedding. Ha. I do like calling them the Ingleby's, although Laura will forever be Laura Prescott in my heart. What a superduperfantastic wedding. Loved being Maid of Honour. Wish I could do it all again. Definitely in my top ten favourite days of my all time.

The Alexander's wedding. Another fun filled weekend of love and laughter. And once again, I loved being a bridesmaid. Actually made me think I should bring out a new book, 'how to be a top banana bridesmaid'.

Going on my holibobs with Mr B. Our first proper grown up holiday together, may there be many moreeeeeee.....

Selling some of my paintings! Whoop! Never thought that would ever happen. Not forgetting the fantastic Tiny Monuments exhibition in March, what a privilege to be part of that. 

I even feel like I can kind of call myself an artist now. Oh and I finally set up my website too, if you haven't seen it yet.

Hearing Daddy Pig on Radio 2 at Glasto, oh such a very proud daughter.

Getting a job...Yes I never really thought I would be able to get myself a job, but somehow I did. I now know all about neutralising perms and how to mix bleach.

What else have I done this year?

I'm not too sure.

Well, I guess I have carried on writing this blog! Almost 3 years now since I've started it, and I'm still wittering away. Perhaps not very coherently, but I guess that doesn't matter too much...(it does really, but I'm just trying to convince myself.)

2013 has also brought sadness. The world is now without two equally amazing men, Jim Gynn and Luke Richards.

There are no words that can follow that sentence, so lets just pause.


And now if I can close my eyes, and think of 2013, what do I see?

A beach.
Embrace me.

My battle with depression and anxiety continues daily. I am still on my medication, and continue with my counselling. Some days are full of light, but other days are covered in darkness. I keep fighting to find the light. I have overcome massive hurdles this year, some quite miraculous.

I couldn't keep up my fight against the black dog without the love and support from my family, Mr B, and my friends. And also from you, my lovely readers. I am eternally grateful to all of you.

There is also another light that continues to guide me and give me strength. One who renews my hope, when the darkness surrounds and numbs me. I hold onto this and I'm so thankful for it.

Tomorrow I will be in London with my party hat on, hence the earlyish new years blog!

I wont wish you all a happy new year, instead I will wish that 2014 brings you hope, light and love xxxx 

Friday, 27 December 2013

Hold onto light.

Tis the season to forget what day it is.

But I know I have work tomorrow, so I reckon its Saturday.

I'm feeling pretty washed out and tired, its been as crazy a week as expected. But good fun too. Mama Pig pretending to be a spider in charades was a definite highlight. As was some super presents from Mr B. I really don't deserve that top banana of a boyfriend.

I've found some things particularly tough this week, but I don't want to grumble and sound ungrateful. The main thing I need to remember is that I've battled through things and I'm still here.

Going to midnight mass with Daddy Pig helped give me the chance to reflect and meditate, I'm so glad I went. Mr B and I also went for a walk today across the fields, and it felt lovely to be outside in the glorious space of nature. No-one else was even around, just us two, it was bliss. Although I did almost slip in the mud which would have been nothing short of a disaster darling. (Apologies for my awful impression of Craig Revel Horwood.)

I have been thinking of all the different Christmas's (that's a lots of s's, not sure my grammar is quite right...) that people are experiencing this year... Particularly the lovely Richards family, who haven't got their beloved Luke with them.

My nephew was listening to Rule the World by Take That on Xmas day and I couldn't stop my tears from falling. The song was played at Lukes funeral, and I guess it will always make me think of him now, along with quite a few other songs...


So bright.

Light in a world of darkness.

I guess that's what we have to hold onto.


Tuesday, 24 December 2013

A battle, a journey, a calling.

A battle.

A journey.

A battle.
A journey.
A calling.

Wishing you all peace and hope this Christmas time xxx

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Block it out

Gosh darn-it, I cant seem to keep track of the days at the moment. The weeks just seem to be flying past me in some sort of dizzy Christmas blur.

I've been spending my time working... and what else, I cant even remember. Oh I went Christmas shopping too. And consumed a few glasses of the old wine. But honestly, not really sure what else I've done. My mind has been very forgetful lately.

My eyes are so tired tonight I can barely keep them open...yawn. Early to bed me thinks.

Before I do that though, I've been thinking a lot about how this time of year is difficult for so many people.

You might be unwell.

In mind or in body.

You might be away from your family.

Or perhaps you don't have a family.

You might be missing a loved one who has passed away.

Your heart might be broken.

You might have lost your job.

Or you might be lost yourself.

I know I find it tough, and sometimes I think I'm the only one who struggles to find Christmas cheer. But I'm not.

I know many people find it hard, yet all the bright colours, dreadful Christmas music and general festival stuff bamboozles us and it can feel like a slap in the face.

Especially Michael Buble, he is the absolute worst for bamboozling.

I am rather tired, and so perhaps not making the most sense in the world. I just want to bring a tiny particle of hope and light, to those who are sitting in the darkness. I want them to know that things won't stay the same. That they are not alone in the darkness.

 Just take things day by day. Block out the Christmas trash, and remember that Christmas should be a time of peace and hope. Two small words that might just help get us through this crazy

Sunday, 15 December 2013


An exhausting few days...

A 5:30am start on Friday, followed by four hours on the train to Brighton for Lukes funeral.

It was a paradox of beauty and tragedy. A credit to the vibrant life he lived, but oh so devastatingly heart-breaking. I don't think I've ever cried so much in one afternoon.

The world seems to have shifted. Tilted, and changed.

Yesterday I had work, and then my Christmas party, which again, just seemed to be a strange thing to be doing after the events of Friday. But of course, as is customary, I consumed a large amount of alcohol...

Everything just feels so temporary, so small and fragile. Or perhaps I'm describing myself.

Christmas is everywhere I turn and I'm overwhelmed by it. I haven't made plans, or done my shopping, I've been totally rubbish about seeing friends. I cant seem to screw my head on properly. I told Mr B that I would quite like to hibernate for the next 2 weeks, but he didn't seem as convinced by the idea as I was. Super jealous of hedgehogs right now.

I really should go to bed now, but I will just leave you with this song...A Green Day classic that forever reminds me of my wonderful friends. It was played at Lukes funeral too, and has taken on an even deeper significance now...

Good riddance, (the time of your life) by Green Day
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why

It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf
Of good health and good time

Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial

For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Another place.

Just got time to do a little bit of blogging before I pop out and see Mr B for the evening.

 Yesterday and today I cancelled all my plans, as I have work tomorrow, and then Luke's funeral on Friday.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed by life at the moment, so trying to be as kind to my mind as possible.

The black dog always likes to bark when you're at your most vulnerable...So I'm trying my best to shut him up. I know he's nipping at my toes recently as I've been a lot more paranoid than normal. A sure sign that he has decided to take up residence in my brain for a while. Bastard.

I started off the day with the intention of cleaning my times...However, after a while an image in my brain began to niggle, so I decided not to ignore it, and got out my trusty paints and brushes.

It felt good to get immersed in painting again. It shuts everything else out of my mind, and I love that. I become totally engrossed, and somehow take myself into a different place. A calmer, more colourful place.

Ooh I think I can hear Mr B's car outside, so I must dash....


Tuesday, 10 December 2013

For you

A few weeks ago I received a phone call from Laura telling me that one of our friends was seriously ill and didn't have long to live.

I have spent the past three weeks thinking and praying for my friend daily.

Hoping that the doctors had got it wrong.

Praying that he would pull through and the cancer would disappear.

But that didn't happen. My hopes and prayers for a miracle ended on Friday 6th December.

Its still so hard to get my head around this horrible tragedy. Everything I think and say seems like a cliché, but I promise its not.

There is absolutely no doubt about it, Luke was a top banana.

He was one of the funniest guys around, a sarcastic comment never far from his lips.

Is it 13 years I've known him....or maybe more...I'm not sure, but my life is intertwined with so many memories of Luke, too many to even think about really. Its overwhelming.

Luke gave great hugs, he was always one of the taller boys at school, and I particularly liked getting a hug from Luke and snuggling under his armpit.

I've shared many crazy drunken nights out with Luke...I just wish I had a slightly clearer memory of them...some of them are kind of hazy...But I reckon Luke would probably say the same!

However, I do remember his never-ending kindness,  he would always be the one to get me some water if I was a little too drunk, or lend one of the girls his coat if we were freezing our bums off in the queue.

I think what I admired most about Luke was the way he felt so comfortable in his own skin. He never conformed, never cared about what people thought or  worried about trying to fit in, he was just Luke. And I loved that about him.

I'm sat here listening to a mix tape (well, CD) that I made and sent for Luke last week...

Music is such a powerful memory grabber isn't it?

It rips you from your computer and suddenly you're sitting in the Trinity common room in 2003... change track... and you're at an infamous Richards' house party... change track... and we're jumping around like maniacs in a club in Manchester....

I know I'm probably not making much sense.My head is just all over the place trying to make sense of it all. But I guess maybe it will never make sense. I know I'm not making sense as I have just said sense about 100 times in one paragraph. I just cant believe that I'm not going to see Luke's mad, beautiful, cheeky smile again.

Trinity reunion 5years ago. Crazy times.
My fav photo of Luke and I.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Another Thursday

Just got in from a busy day at work....

Now I have super sleepy eyes and an alarmingly aching back.



Time to chill my brain and zone out in front of some awful TV.

'I'm a celeb' should fill that quota I think.

A television show that's so bad its good, well, almost.

It needs minimal amount of concentration anyhow.


Cant be bothered to cook myself anything for tea, so I reckon its going to be the classic bowl of cereal for me. Possibly my second most favourite meal of all time.



Sunday, 1 December 2013

Moving too fast

Sat in bed writing this, which, lets face it, is my favourite place to be.

Had a lovely weekend relaxing with Mr B and some friends...Now trying to get my head round what's happening this week...

I've got quite a few busy weeks coming up, which makes me ever so slightly anxious, and also a little bit forgetful.

Time seems to be whizzing past me rather quickly again, and I often feel like I'm playing a big game of catch up...

Almost getting there, but just not quite. Its frustrating.


Such is life.

And the ominous big 'C' is looming up ahead of me, which frankly, I'm just trying not to think about.

Although that seems to be quite hard as every time I switch on the telly I'm reminded of it. Or go into a shop. Or have a meal at a restaurant.

The Italian place I went for lunch today was playing Christmas music, which even though it is the 1st of December, still seems far too early.

Mr B calls me the Grinch, but you know what, I quite like the Grinch. He's a misunderstood character in my book, so you know, I don't really mind. And he has some pretty snazzy footwear, which I would quite like to borrow. Although I'm not sure I could pull them off as well as he does....