Its as if I'm stood watching the London Marathon runners go past. Zoom zoom zoom they race past faster than you can ever imagine. You see them coming up in the distance, little specs on the horizon and in a flash, suddenly they're gone. You're standing waiting to spot a friend, and you're craning your neck, standing on tip toes, trying to analyse the hundreds of people running past you. Have you missed them? You begin to panic, I need to see them, I want to spot them! Is it too late to catch a glimpse? You have to keep your fingers crossed, and now you really need a wee, so you have to keep your legs crossed too. But you can't chance leaving, just in case you miss them. And if luck is with you, you'll spot them. They were looking for you, you were looking for them. You shout, scream, and cheer, before the moment quickly passes.
That's how my mind feels right now. I have a hundred thoughts and feeling racing through my brain, and I'm desperately searching and hoping to find the one called hope. Hope and love, and maybe a bit of Christmas cheer. Its just that in my depressed brain, the runners at the front are called hopelessness, worthless, darkness, despair, envy, failure. And they're the ones that take over the race. They block everything else out and tell me that the world would be so much better off without Susie Piggott.
I have to keep believing that there are a few stragglers at the back of the race. The runners that never give up, despite having the toughest race. Bringing up the rear, persistently trying to wipe away the darkness. Perhaps they carry with them a little nugget of laughter... or at the very least a shitty joke from a cracker...!
xxx
P.S this song just seems to fit perfectly......thanks to Andy for sending it to me x
Sorry things are so shit Susie, I know how it feels to truly believe that the world would be a better place without you in it. I've found myself stuck in that dungeon of thought many times and know that there's little anyone can say that will make you feel any different. I hope that you can talk to your family, mine were and are invaluable in times like that.
ReplyDeleteWhat astonishes me from reading your blog is how well you are doing. You have set up a blog, you seem to make a real effort to leave the house, these things took me years. You're doing amazing things and all the while you're having to live with a truly horrible malady.
I'm not speaking to you from that magic place called "recovery" (nowhere near it!) but I can tell you that five years down the line from my breakdown, life is not nearly as hard as it was in the early years. I hope that you can enjoy at least some fleeting moments of the holidays(not sure I will to be honest!) and that 2012 will be a better year than 2011.
If you ever want to talk or exchange some depression moans, please feel free to email me (i think you have my address.) And don't feel under any obligation to read my novel while you're feeling crap, the last thing I want is for it to trigger any negative thoughts.
Merry Christmas,
Michael Richmond (Author of Sisyphusa)