Absolutely wiped out today.
Bleurgh.
Don’t think an 8am physio appointment
really helped. I am not a morning person.
No idea how I used to get up at 7am every
day. 8am is pretty much my earliest these days.
Yet so many people have to do the early morning
thing! I commend you. I salute you. ‘Cuz I’m utterly hopeless. I end up
spending all afternoon fighting against my eyelids closing.
Yawn.
Had a creative art session today which will
progress towards us making some sort of sculptures. I love working in 3D, you
can be so messy and really connect to your work.
However, the theme which we’re working on
is ‘identity’ and it triggered some difficult stuff for me this morning.
I’d had quite a tough, full-on counselling
session last week, which had bought up the theme of identity, and how I see
myself.
I’m not going to lie, its not pleasant
stuff folks.
And so to be challenged again in the same
area, just made my heart sink.
I don’t like thinking about identity. I
don’t like thinking about who I am. Because, quite frankly, I end up feeling
utterly crap and just want to stab myself in the eye. So I avoid it, I try not
to dwell on my inner self.
My mind feels already programmed to dislike
my personality, and that bitter poison runs through my veins, infecting each
part of me.
I know it sounds weird, but I often think
that’s why if I’m having a bad black dog day I’ll often be really cold, or have
a headache, or stomach ache. Its like the poisonous depression has been running
through the whole of my body, dragging each part down with it.
So, you can see why I don’t like pondering
on this identity stuff. It just seems to bring up a wave of self-destruction. But
I guess, I just have to ride the wave. Get through this threatening stormy
darkness and wait for the clouds to disappear.
xxx
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