Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Stormy waters

Absolutely wiped out today.
Don’t think an 8am physio appointment really helped.

I am not a morning person.

No idea how I used to get up at 7am every day. 8am is pretty much my earliest these days.
Yet so many people have to do the early morning thing! I commend you. I salute you. ‘Cuz I’m utterly hopeless. I end up spending all afternoon fighting against my eyelids closing.

Had a creative art session today which will progress towards us making some sort of sculptures. I love working in 3D, you can be so messy and really connect to your work.
However, the theme which we’re working on is ‘identity’ and it triggered some difficult stuff for me this morning.

I’d had quite a tough, full-on counselling session last week, which had bought up the theme of identity, and how I see myself.
I’m not going to lie, its not pleasant stuff folks.

And so to be challenged again in the same area, just made my heart sink.
I don’t like thinking about identity. I don’t like thinking about who I am. Because, quite frankly, I end up feeling utterly crap and just want to stab myself in the eye. So I avoid it, I try not to dwell on my inner self.

My mind feels already programmed to dislike my personality, and that bitter poison runs through my veins, infecting each part of me.
I know it sounds weird, but I often think that’s why if I’m having a bad black dog day I’ll often be really cold, or have a headache, or stomach ache. Its like the poisonous depression has been running through the whole of my body, dragging each part down with it.

So, you can see why I don’t like pondering on this identity stuff. It just seems to bring up a wave of self-destruction. But I guess, I just have to ride the wave. Get through this threatening stormy darkness and wait for the clouds to disappear.



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