Friday, 15 March 2013

Uncomfortable consequences

Just enjoyed a mini jamming session with Daddy Pig. He was rocking out on the guitar, I dusted off the cobwebs from my flute, and attempted to blast out a tune. I must admit, it was rather fun and reminded me of my musical days gone by....

Anyway, enough reminiscing, because there is something particular on my mind.

I had a counselling session this afternoon, which was much needed, as I'm still trying to digest everything that happened last week.

The word that I keep repeating is, 'overwhelmed'. Because, quite frankly, I cant think of another word, and I don't have a pocket thesaurus on me.

The spotlight was certainly shining brightly on me last week, and it felt really strange. I didn't expect such a positive reaction. I wasn't a star who had come out onto the stage to dazzle the audience. I felt like someone who had been pushed onto the stage to find the spotlights blinding, turning my face into a wrinkled frown.

I was uncomfortable. I wasn't used to the attention. I don't feel like I deserved it. I cant really believe that people actually came and saw my work. Its just surreal. I can't connect to why people made such an effort for me. I'm so thankful, overwhelmingly (there I go again) grateful. However, try as I might, I cant get rid of this uncomfortable feeling.

I strive for perfection in so many areas of my life. I give myself unrealistic targets, that are completely unachievable. I know I'm not perfect, but I still feel like a failure for not getting there. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect daughter, sister, auntie, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance even. Its crazy really, but I just cant seem to stop myself.

I channelled so much energy into the exhibition, I worked tirelessly on my paintings and on the publicity. But I didn't really expect my part in it all to be success. I was striving for perfection again, but I was expecting to fail. So now, somehow, getting so much positive feedback and encouragement, just seems unreal. Like a dream.

I want to enjoy the success of last week, I think thats what I should be doing. But there is a big black wall stopping me from doing that. A part of my brain just wont let me...


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