This time last year....

One of the perks of blogging is that you can scroll through your own archive of entries and see what you were up to this time last year.....

Reading through last November is like going for a ride on a rollercoaster. I'm up, I'm down, screaming one minute, laughing the next. How exhausting. And how grateful I am not to be on such a scary ride anymore. I never did like theme parks anyway, I was always the one waiting and holding everyones bags.

Its also interesting rereading some entries and thinking to myself, "Hmm, that's actually a good little bit of writing there Sooz..." I can't say I've experienced that feeling for a long time and I rather like it.

I can't remember whether I've mentioned it, but I've decided to have another few sessions of counselling over the next coming months. It kind of seemed the right time, because I know I'm making progress, but there are still things I don't like doing, or refuse to do.....and definitely some demons of the black dog variety that creep into my mind....I need to get rid of those. Or at least get them to shut up at the appropriate time.

Anyway, here's an exert from last November, which is both encouraging for me and I hope will be for other people too....


...Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish...

xxx