Well, I'm back in Somerset, and it stinks.
The farmer has done something to the fields and despite the fact that I've closed all of the windows, the smell of horse shit is still creeping through the walls.
Had my appointment with my new psychiatrist today. Felt like a waste of time. Both for me and for him. I used to come out of those meetings feeling a little bit hopeful. But today, its just another reminder that nothing has changed.
Yes, if I look at things logically, I can see that I have made little bits of progress. But in other ways, my mind feels completely unaltered.
He asked me when I last felt really happy. After a few minutes of head scratching, I realised it was when I was 18. That's 7 years ago. 7 years. Flippin heck. Which is a bloody long time ago. And despite a 3 month respite 3 years ago when I was in America, things have just continued to get worse.
There is nothing more than I want to be well again. To be able to move out, have a job, have a life. But realistically how is that ever going to happen? I have no self confidence. I'm not good at anything. How am I ever going to reach any of those normal goals? People continually tell me that I will get better and things will change. But I just don't believe it. Its like trying to believe that I will climb Mount Everest or that Father Christmas is alive and kicking in the north pole. Nice dreams to have. Dreams that will never come true.
Everyday I fight, and push, just trying to survive. I must have said this a million times, but it is a never ending battle. A battle in which I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. The lines have become blurred and altered. Shifted somehow. Its exhausting.
Take me out of here.