Practically speaking depression and anxiety are a nightmare. You are immobilised mentally, emotionally, and physically. And its so frustrating. I haven't been able to work for 2 months now, and I miss it. I miss feeling normal. I miss doing normal everyday tasks.
I know that I have improved in small ways, but it still feels like such a long road ahead of me. It feels like a miracle just to be able to have a goal. 2 months ago I wouldn't of seen the point in having a goal. And to be honest I'm just keeping it in the back of my head, and remembering small steps, small steps.
Today I had counselling, which left me cream crackered as per usual. But always so helpful. I'm so lucky to have a counsellor who really understands me, and can see what is important to me. It makes a massive difference. I need to focus on challenging my negative thoughts, and questioning them. I often feel like things in my life, or my mind are out of control, and I need to remember that this is a perception, and not reality. Its so difficult! Especially with the nature of my illness. I often feel like that its my own fault for having depression and anxiety. That I have made myself like this. I need to remember that this is the illness talking!
That is seriously a lot of remembering to do.....phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it....Which is why I write everything down...Clever hey!
My counsellor has also encouraged me to write my own mantras. They have to be statements that I write myself and mean something to me. I read them every day, sometimes once, sometimes every hour! Now this sounds super cheesy, but it really does help. The aim is that at some point down the road I won't have to sit down and read them, but they will become the confident inner voice in my mind that I need to rediscover and trust.
When I feel surrounded by darkness, I have a list of things to do. Again it was my counsellor who encouraged me to have this list written down, and for it to be accessible. Because when you're in the darkness, there doesn't seem any point in doing anything. So I text or ring someone, use my visualisation/relaxation breathing techniques, go for a walk, and then read my mantras.
Here is one:
Hope can often hide,
But always be found.
And on that note,
Until tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxx
P.S When finishing my blog why do I always have the urge to go back and delete everything....must....resist....delete...button.......arggh!
I sometimes look back at my almost eight years of ramblings and wonder why I didn't hit delete at the time. The trick is to remember you can refer back and change your mind. It is only a snapshot of how you felt/what you thought at a particular moment in time.
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